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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]NP here.

OP, ignore all of the posters who are shaming you.  You've done nothing wrong.  Feelings are feelings.  It isn't like you are seeking out opportunities to be alone with this other guy.

You have expressed your needs to your husband, and for now, he doesn't see a problem and seems unwilling to address it.

Personally, the best course of action is just to let things sit for a while.  While you shouldn't seek out opportunities to be alone with the guy, I disagree with PPs.  I don't think you should avoid him.  If it is an infatuation, avoiding him, resisting the feelings will actually only make them grow.

The best course of action is to make sure you only see the guy in group situations.  That will help keep you out of situations in which you might be tempted to do something you'll regret later.

Let yourself fantasize a little bit.  It's actually okay to do that.  And letting yourself do that may help these feelings to actually kind of dissipate over time as you get bored with that specific fantasy.

Meanwhile, don't take any actual action either way.  Don't do anything with the crush guy.  But also, back off a bit with your husband.  He isn't hearing you, even though you are clearly telling him your needs are not being met.  Let him see that you aren't going to beg him to give you the connection you need in a relationship.  In my experience, the way men operate is that they don't make changes unless and until they feel there will be consequences.  It's a shame because, honestly, in many cases, women let men know things are going downhill or that they feel neglected or whatever.  Men don't think it's a big deal and ignore it until it can't be fixed, until the disconnection is so big that there's no filling the gap.

But part of that is because women try too hard to get men to hear them, notice them.  Men interpret that effort as meaning that the women are so needy, they won't leave.

Sadly, men respond more if you start making yourself unavailable to them.  Not just unavailable when they don't mind (like going out with friends when he wants to do something else anyhow), but unavailable when he does mind (like when he finally does want your affection, attention, etc.).

Then he'll get the clue, and you can have the conversation again about working on the marriage.

Meanwhile, don't be afraid of daydreaming or fantasy.  Just be disciplined when it comes to actual actions.

Your imagination, your feelings are your own.  Don't let anyone on DCUM tell you what you can and can't fantasize.  Just know your own boundaries about what situations may cause you to not have complete, rational control over your actions, and avoid those situations.[/quote]

It's only not a problem to you because she's a woman. You'd have a very different response if it was man.  Multiple people have said fantasy and crushes are normal, OP has moved beyond that into danger territory.[/quote]

Men do it ALL of the time.  In fact, I would bet cash money that 99 percent of married men have fantasized about a woman they know.  My response would be the same for a man.  And my advice was very clear to OP.  I told her not to seek out one on one time with the guy.  If they are having conversations about past relationships IN A GROUP, I don't see a problem.  But I was very clear that she should not pursue things with this guy, that he's a crush, but she needs to keep from putting herself in awkward situations.

Actions are what matter.  People can have fantasies.  They can talk to people in groups.  I don't see anything wrong even with talking to him about past relationships.  It's not like they're talking about sex.  I believe in monogamy.  But I think that policing thoughts, being harsh about fantasies, actually makes monogamy harder.  It's all about actions.  And the best way to get over a crush is to just to ride it out without acting on it.  But avoiding the guy is actually only going to make the crush stronger.  That was my point.

My other point was that this isn't about the crush or the guy.  It seems clear to me that she is having problems in her marriage, that she isn't getting any emotional connection from her husband.  And it sounds to me like she has raised the issue with him, but he isn't hearing her.  That's the real problem here -- not that OP talked to some guy about past relationships.

And my response would be exactly the same for a man who has raised with his wife that he's unhappy but only to be pooh-poohed by the wife.  No, I don't think OP should have an affair.  But I think you all are being too hard on her.  It's pretty clear to me that she is lonely in her marriage, and she has told her husband that, and he doesn't seem to care.[/quote]

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