I’m married and I have developed feelings for a friend

[Anonymous]

^ she owes it to the kids to pull her head out of her ass and go into counseling with her spouse. She needs to try her hardest to see if they can get something back. When you fixate on a person outside of the marriage you attribute only good characteristics to them and poor one’s to your spouse. You convince yourself they are awful. You start picking fights and bring a jerk and then use your spouse’s rightful reaction to that as “See - this will never work. I tried” to justify getting d@ck from somebody who will never be a life partner. Great role model of marriage for your kids. Selfish.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:^ she owes it to the kids to pull her head out of her ass and go into counseling with her spouse. She needs to try her hardest to see if they can get something back. When you fixate on a person outside of the marriage you attribute only good characteristics to them and poor one’s to your spouse. You convince yourself they are awful. You start picking fights and bring a jerk and then use your spouse’s rightful reaction to that as “See - this will never work. I tried” to justify getting d@ck from somebody who will never be a life partner. Great role model of marriage for your kids. Selfish.

PP here. I agree she owes it to her kids. You bring them into the world, try to fix the broken marriage. That said, only OP knows whether she can really live this way.

Here's another perspective. I know of a religious couple that was married for 40 years. Did right by their kids. Well, the wife died suddenly of an illness. The husband found a new wife in less than a year of his first wife's passing. Turns out he's really found himself with his new wife, even his adult kids admit. They had no idea their father loved to travel so much. He's taken up new hobbies. He's more relaxed. He's smiling more than ever. Who knows. The new wife is only 5 years younger, so it's not like he found Anna Nicole Smith here. Too bad it took him decades to reach this point and enjoy life. He stuck with his marriage. His first wife, perhaps. Maybe her grew to love her like a sister.

Is that the better ending?

[Anonymous]

People are so self-entitled and selfish. They want 24/7 happiness and look outside instead of inside to try and get it. No one person will fix what’s broken inside. In a few years, your same shit will appear again. The newness will wear off.

It’s all unicorns and rainbows at the start of any new sexual relationship.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:People are so self-entitled and selfish. They want 24/7 happiness and look outside instead of inside to try and get it. No one person will fix what’s broken inside. In a few years, your same shit will appear again. The newness will wear off.

It’s all unicorns and rainbows at the start of any new sexual relationship.

Exactly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's normal for things to cool in a long-term relationship. It's normal to have crushes. I'm even willing to allow some escapism due to the stress of COVID and quarantine. It is not normal to fantasize the person you have a crush on as the stepparent to your children.

So OP.

You need to stop hanging out with this guy one on one . Period.

You need to find an alternative when you start your daydreaming, maybe it's an activity or maybe it's a phrase that snaps you back into reality.

You need to discuss your lack of emotional connection with your DH, the key here is you need to take responsibility for your part in this and not shift all the blame to him. Also, realize that any additional distance your feeling in the last few months may be due to giving your emotional energy to your crush.

^^ This!!
Good luck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:^ she owes it to the kids to pull her head out of her ass and go into counseling with her spouse. She needs to try her hardest to see if they can get something back. When you fixate on a person outside of the marriage you attribute only good characteristics to them and poor one’s to your spouse. You convince yourself they are awful. You start picking fights and bring a jerk and then use your spouse’s rightful reaction to that as “See - this will never work. I tried” to justify getting d@ck from somebody who will never be a life partner. Great role model of marriage for your kids. Selfish.

PP here. I agree she owes it to her kids. You bring them into the world, try to fix the broken marriage. That said, only OP knows whether she can really live this way.

Here's another perspective. I know of a religious couple that was married for 40 years. Did right by their kids. Well, the wife died suddenly of an illness. The husband found a new wife in less than a year of his first wife's passing. Turns out he's really found himself with his new wife, even his adult kids admit. They had no idea their father loved to travel so much. He's taken up new hobbies. He's more relaxed. He's smiling more than ever. Who knows. The new wife is only 5 years younger, so it's not like he found Anna Nicole Smith here. Too bad it took him decades to reach this point and enjoy life. He stuck with his marriage. His first wife, perhaps. Maybe her grew to love her like a sister.

Is that the better ending?

There's nothing bad about remaining committed to the person you married, and the mother of your children and not having an affair or getting divorced because you get some tingles in your genitals.

Short of their mom's living. Dad remaining faithful, and finding happiness after losing his wife is the better ending than blowing up their lives and putting the kids through a divorce and split custody. How much traveling do you think he'd be doing as a divorced dad with kids, unless for you it would be okay for him to be an absentee parent while he found himself traveling the globe.

There's more to life than the next thing that gets your genitals tingling. And if constant hormonal rushes or needing to be entertained 24/7 is what you need to be happy in your life, don't get married.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:^ she owes it to the kids to pull her head out of her ass and go into counseling with her spouse. She needs to try her hardest to see if they can get something back. When you fixate on a person outside of the marriage you attribute only good characteristics to them and poor one’s to your spouse. You convince yourself they are awful. You start picking fights and bring a jerk and then use your spouse’s rightful reaction to that as “See - this will never work. I tried” to justify getting d@ck from somebody who will never be a life partner. Great role model of marriage for your kids. Selfish.

PP here. I agree she owes it to her kids. You bring them into the world, try to fix the broken marriage. That said, only OP knows whether she can really live this way.

Here's another perspective. I know of a religious couple that was married for 40 years. Did right by their kids. Well, the wife died suddenly of an illness. The husband found a new wife in less than a year of his first wife's passing. Turns out he's really found himself with his new wife, even his adult kids admit. They had no idea their father loved to travel so much. He's taken up new hobbies. He's more relaxed. He's smiling more than ever. Who knows. The new wife is only 5 years younger, so it's not like he found Anna Nicole Smith here. Too bad it took him decades to reach this point and enjoy life. He stuck with his marriage. His first wife, perhaps. Maybe her grew to love her like a sister.

Is that the better ending?

To quote from another thread
Grow TF up. The whole "I'm soooo abstract and philosophical and deep because I don't want any responsibilities" is kinda cute when you're 25, but at 55 it's just sad.

The it's all relative, happy, happy, BS is tired. You want to follow every whim and breeze that blows your way that you feel a connection with , stay single, don't have kids simple as.

[Anonymous]

My mom is in a relationship after a wonderful 52 year marriage with my deceased father. They had an incredible marriage and loved deeply (almost embarrassing at times at home as a kid ).

The guy is a friend of my dads who also lost his wife and is very, very different than my dad. They are very happy.

My dad wanted her to move on and not be a hermit after he died.

I read people that had good marriages are MORE likely to find happiness after their spouse dies because of that great love experience.

My MIL had been single since her 30s and swore off men after her serial cheating alcoholic ex-husband. I know many people who come out of a bad marriage that will never consider marriage again.

So I think the dad that found love after his wife’s death speaks more to the first scenario.

[Anonymous]

So I was in your situation with a friend I had known 10+ years. I spent years fantasizing about being with him even before I was married, and it got worse as my marriage fell apart.

Eventually I divorced and a few months later started dating friend. Surprise, it wasn't as great as I thought it was. It's not bad, but it's definitely not all sunshine and rainbows.

I don't regret my divorce (things were really bad), I don't regret dating friend, but it's not like things were suddenly magical and perfect. We have issues, there's still conflict, and it's a relationship, so it's still work.

[Anonymous]

OP I agree with everyone who says its infatuation and you need to pull your head out of your ass.

If tomorrow you were struck with cancer or covid (badly) or something equally devastating - its your DH who would be looking after you and your kids, not this dude.

You need to grow up and fast. And I mean that in the nicest possible way.

[Anonymous]

^ I forgot to add, there are single men who target married women. Not because of the chase or because they are going to fall in love with you - no - because they want a fuxk that they can walk away from.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:^ I forgot to add, there are single men who target married women. Not because of the chase or because they are going to fall in love with you - no - because they want a fuxk that they can walk away from.

Yep

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:First of all, this advice column with a therapist is really relevant to you:

https://www.theatlantic.com/family/archive/2020/02/should-i-leave-my-wife-another-woman/606202/

Also, been there. I have a really overwhelming crush on someone, and have done everything you did -- had graphic fantasies, imagined life with him, the whole bit. The connection escalated --we spent more and more time together, many hours of conversation. We don't text or communicate outside of when we see each other. It's been going on for about 2 years.

We have not had an affair. Both spouses know about the crushes. Everyone is trying to be a grown up about it.

COVID has really helped everyone re-connect with their spouses!

OP, you don't have to decide anything right now. DO NOT HAVE AN AFFAIR with this person. You don't want to do anything that will make you feel shame/guilt, to make you lose respect for yourself. You don't want to have to lie to your family -- it will destroy your soul.

And, you don't want to have an affair with someone in the middle of an infatuation, throw away your marriage, and then find out that your new guy is not actually the one for you. You need time to figure that out.

Same. Not sure what to do with these feelings - they just exist.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:First of all, this advice column with a therapist is really relevant to you:

https://www.theatlantic.com/family/archive/2020/02/should-i-leave-my-wife-another-woman/606202/

Also, been there. I have a really overwhelming crush on someone, and have done everything you did -- had graphic fantasies, imagined life with him, the whole bit. The connection escalated --we spent more and more time together, many hours of conversation. We don't text or communicate outside of when we see each other. It's been going on for about 2 years.

We have not had an affair. Both spouses know about the crushes. Everyone is trying to be a grown up about it.

COVID has really helped everyone re-connect with their spouses!

OP, you don't have to decide anything right now. DO NOT HAVE AN AFFAIR with this person. You don't want to do anything that will make you feel shame/guilt, to make you lose respect for yourself. You don't want to have to lie to your family -- it will destroy your soul.

And, you don't want to have an affair with someone in the middle of an infatuation, throw away your marriage, and then find out that your new guy is not actually the one for you. You need time to figure that out.

Same. Not sure what to do with these feelings - they just exist.

OMG you're very immature. You should never have married and had kids.

[Anonymous]

my story is a version of this story: I got a divorce. i think there is something about a woman nearing mid-life (or however anyone wants to define it) that you go, holy sh*t, do i need to sublimate my own happiness for the rest of my life for this ridiculous picture of what a woman's life should be? to take care of everyone else, all the time? when i've said over and over again to him what i need to meet basic emotional needs? it's so embarrassing and sad honestly that this is the same q our mothers asked themselves, but many of them didn't divorce. I don't think you need to die on the cross for an nuclear family. The op said this person is not meeting her needs, not emotionally, not in any substantive way. and she's asked, repeatedly. I think the q is: would you be OK with leaving him even if it didn't work out with this dude? Don't leave for someone else. Leave b/c you have to to be hole, and know that there are no promises about this new thing. can you be happy with being alone? Would it be ok to have your kids 1/2 time and not cook and clean and tend to everyone's needs, be everyone's boss, 100 percent of the time? But be in charge of your time, most of the time? That is ok, completely ok, if your answer is yes, being on your own would be better. Know that the next couple of years are going to be a complete shit show as you transition to that new space. but if you've spent time thinking about those questions, and you also get some therapy for yourself (not couples!) you may be able to see what you need for yourself. Or maybe you already know. Just don't put your eggs in this other person's basket.