I’m married and I have developed feelings for a friend

[Anonymous]

Get over yourself! This is normal in a long marriage.

Turn yourself back towards your spouse. Go to marriage counseling. Spice up your relationship.

Kids and lives and stress do a number on a marriage. The strong that went in with love make it by DEALING, not turning to somebody else. Everything looks like roses and fresh and new. It will end a disaster.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I will lookup limerance and surviving infidelity.

In my conversations with this person I learned that he dated someone for 7 or 8 years who he wanted to marry, but she allegedly didn’t want to take that step because she said he works/ed too much. He brought that up on his own in those conversations, though I don’t remember precisely how it came up. Obviously that is his retelling and could be completely false or at least exaggerated in his own mind.

I have imagined him in the unavoidable longterm situations that have been suggested like farting, having an argument, working too much (see above), etc. That is how my brain went to the “stepparent” thing — I was trying to play out how tough long term situations would be if this actually went much further. I’ve tried to imagine how it would be if DH and I split up and how it would be trying to coparent the kids separately, etc. Of course I fully recognize it’s hard to really picture those things when you haven’t been in those situations.

1. You have no business to be discussing past relationships with this man none! That is so far over the line of inappropriate. You really and truly need to drop contact with this man , if you don't want to find yourself in an affair.

2. It's a red flag he dated someone for 7/8 years, and puts all the blame on her for the failures. He's a problem and a big one.

3. It's really not normal for you to daydream about divorcing your husband and coparenting with your crush.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I will lookup limerance and surviving infidelity.

In my conversations with this person I learned that he dated someone for 7 or 8 years who he wanted to marry, but she allegedly didn’t want to take that step because she said he works/ed too much. He brought that up on his own in those conversations, though I don’t remember precisely how it came up. Obviously that is his retelling and could be completely false or at least exaggerated in his own mind.

I have imagined him in the unavoidable longterm situations that have been suggested like farting, having an argument, working too much (see above), etc. That is how my brain went to the “stepparent” thing — I was trying to play out how tough long term situations would be if this actually went much further. I’ve tried to imagine how it would be if DH and I split up and how it would be trying to coparent the kids separately, etc. Of course I fully recognize it’s hard to really picture those things when you haven’t been in those situations.

Read the blogs and comments on 'betrayed wives clubs'. Awful. You would think nobody would cheat on their partner if they saw the absolute devastation it does to their spouse and kids.

SELFISH!!!!!!!

[Anonymous]

Thanks to PP who says I have expressed my needs. That is how I feel — that I have expressed these things to no avail. If DH didn’t want to go to therapy but wanted to discuss it further that would be one thing. But before developing feelings for this other person it just felt like something I would just have to deal with in my marriage. Having romantic feelings for someone else made me think that no, it’s not something I just have to live without. Obviously it is hard to disentangle the feelings I have about my relationship with DH from the feelings I have developed for this other person. I am hopeful that individual therapy will provide a place for talking about those things.

Also after a few weeks of looking I hired a sitter to come in some hours per day so that I can get more work done during the daytime and hope that opens up more time to spend moments with DH. I am trying.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Thanks to PP who says I have expressed my needs. That is how I feel — that I have expressed these things to no avail. If DH didn’t want to go to therapy but wanted to discuss it further that would be one thing. But before developing feelings for this other person it just felt like something I would just have to deal with in my marriage. Having romantic feelings for someone else made me think that no, it’s not something I just have to live without. Obviously it is hard to disentangle the feelings I have about my relationship with DH from the feelings I have developed for this other person. I am hopeful that individual therapy will provide a place for talking about those things.

Also after a few weeks of looking I hired a sitter to come in some hours per day so that I can get more work done during the daytime and hope that opens up more time to spend moments with DH. I am trying.

Just go have your affair. That's clearly what you want to do, and you can blame your DH for making you unhappy. You'll also get your wish of knowing first hand how your friend is as a stepdad.

I have warn you though your kids will probably hate him, and you.

[Anonymous]

Your friend is probably out of your league. What desirable man wants a divorced woman with children? Lmao at these unrealistic fantasies

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your friend is probably out of your league. What desirable man wants a divorced woman with children? Lmao at these unrealistic fantasies

They are always out of the league of the married other woman.

[Anonymous]

I agree with 9:35. Be easy on yourself, they’re just feelings. We’re in pandemic, we’ve been with our spouses and kids 24/7, it’s totally normal. You don’t need therapy for wanting to have sex with someone else! It’s part of the human experience for most people.

You can try to bring the energy of that crush back to your DH. While your crush lasts, it’s fine to imagine the other guy while you have sex with DH if that helps.

Again, you’ve got decades ahead of you and your marriage is going to go through lots of phases. You have nothing to feel guilty about for a crush.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I agree with 9:35. Be easy on yourself, they’re just feelings. We’re in pandemic, we’ve been with our spouses and kids 24/7, it’s totally normal. You don’t need therapy for wanting to have sex with someone else! It’s part of the human experience for most people.

You can try to bring the energy of that crush back to your DH. While your crush lasts, it’s fine to imagine the other guy while you have sex with DH if that helps.

Again, you’ve got decades ahead of you and your marriage is going to go through lots of phases. You have nothing to feel guilty about for a crush.

OP realize that after you have your affair, and come back her looking for advice on how to fix things, this poster and the others who are telling you your behavior is okay, will be shaming you for not getting ahead of the problem.

[Anonymous]

Question for the "it's just a crush, all married people fantasize crowd", do your crushes normally involve quizzing the object of your crush about their current, and past romantic life, and why their last relationship ended?

Maybe I'm strange by my fantasies are typically just that, in my head, thinking about how hot they are.

The only time in my life I quizzed someone I was attracted to about their romantic life was when I was trying to become their girlfriend.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I agree with 9:35. Be easy on yourself, they’re just feelings. We’re in pandemic, we’ve been with our spouses and kids 24/7, it’s totally normal. You don’t need therapy for wanting to have sex with someone else! It’s part of the human experience for most people.

You can try to bring the energy of that crush back to your DH. While your crush lasts, it’s fine to imagine the other guy while you have sex with DH if that helps.

Again, you’ve got decades ahead of you and your marriage is going to go through lots of phases. You have nothing to feel guilty about for a crush.

The therapy is not for the crush. The therapy would be for the communication problems she and DH have, and for what seems like OP's underlying anxiety.

[Anonymous]

What I did: I had an affair. Whoops?
What you should do: NOT have an affair. You need to change your behaviors to align with your DH's. Go to bed early, have sex, get up early and do the stuff you normally would do at night then.

[Anonymous]

get rid of your dh and go be with him. i don't know what the problem is.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's infatuation.

Don't do anything stupid or embarrassing. Your fantasies of him are just that fantasies, where you have built him up to be the perfect being, odds are really high he is nothing like that in a real life relationship.

I'm most disturbed that you are daydreaming about him as a stepparent, that's a bit over the line for me , and goes beyond harmless crush territory.

You need to start redirecting your thoughts and stop spending so much time on this fantasy of yours.

This. He doesn’t want to step-parent your kids, OP.
Just enjoy your fantasy and even imagine your DH is him and flirt with your DH the way you probably were with this guy! (Ask him questions and listen for the answer as though you are interested and wanting to learn from him, which is prob the way you were acting with the single guy) Dial it waaay back in your mind though, OP. He’d prob be up for a couple of nights of this and prob even thinks you’re attractive and interesting in a way that your husband has not paid attention to you in a while, but it’s another thing entirely to fantasize that he’s up for stepping into your messy life.

[Anonymous]

Do you work?


Let me tell you how it played out for my 2 friends that did the same (both SAHM)... their H found out, they got a lawyer, they had them kicked out of the house, they were given $3000K/month during the divorce proceedings and since he was in the family house they both were given visitation. Neither get alimony ... nor do they get child support since the H has primary custody.

10 years later, they both still live in apartments, neither has custody of their children but they get visitation pretty liberally because their H's are not a-holes and the kids are older.

For the 3 women that work... 2 found a house in a cheaper areas/townhouse. The H's still got most of the custody, one eventually split custody after about 4 years, the other gets every other weekend.

1 "worked it out" with her H but they are both just biding their time until the child leaves because he does not love or respect her and that is a hard house to live in. He will not leave.