I’m married and I have developed feelings for a friend

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:my story is a version of this story: I got a divorce. i think there is something about a woman nearing mid-life (or however anyone wants to define it) that you go, holy sh*t, do i need to sublimate my own happiness for the rest of my life for this ridiculous picture of what a woman's life should be? to take care of everyone else, all the time? when i've said over and over again to him what i need to meet basic emotional needs? it's so embarrassing and sad honestly that this is the same q our mothers asked themselves, but many of them didn't divorce. I don't think you need to die on the cross for an nuclear family. The op said this person is not meeting her needs, not emotionally, not in any substantive way. and she's asked, repeatedly. I think the q is: would you be OK with leaving him even if it didn't work out with this dude? Don't leave for someone else. Leave b/c you have to to be hole, and know that there are no promises about this new thing. can you be happy with being alone? Would it be ok to have your kids 1/2 time and not cook and clean and tend to everyone's needs, be everyone's boss, 100 percent of the time? But be in charge of your time, most of the time? That is ok, completely ok, if your answer is yes, being on your own would be better. Know that the next couple of years are going to be a complete shit show as you transition to that new space. but if you've spent time thinking about those questions, and you also get some therapy for yourself (not couples!) you may be able to see what you need for yourself. Or maybe you already know. Just don't put your eggs in this other person's basket.

A person who got divorced during her mid life crisis is not someone who should advise steering through the ups and downs of a long marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:my story is a version of this story: I got a divorce. i think there is something about a woman nearing mid-life (or however anyone wants to define it) that you go, holy sh*t, do i need to sublimate my own happiness for the rest of my life for this ridiculous picture of what a woman's life should be? to take care of everyone else, all the time? when i've said over and over again to him what i need to meet basic emotional needs? it's so embarrassing and sad honestly that this is the same q our mothers asked themselves, but many of them didn't divorce. I don't think you need to die on the cross for an nuclear family. The op said this person is not meeting her needs, not emotionally, not in any substantive way. and she's asked, repeatedly. I think the q is: would you be OK with leaving him even if it didn't work out with this dude? Don't leave for someone else. Leave b/c you have to to be hole, and know that there are no promises about this new thing. can you be happy with being alone? Would it be ok to have your kids 1/2 time and not cook and clean and tend to everyone's needs, be everyone's boss, 100 percent of the time? But be in charge of your time, most of the time? That is ok, completely ok, if your answer is yes, being on your own would be better. Know that the next couple of years are going to be a complete shit show as you transition to that new space. but if you've spent time thinking about those questions, and you also get some therapy for yourself (not couples!) you may be able to see what you need for yourself. Or maybe you already know. Just don't put your eggs in this other person's basket.

If you don't want a nuclear family, don't get married and have kids. If you don't want someone who is dependent on you don't get married and have kids. If you want to be me, myself, and I, going wherever the wind may carry, don't get married and have kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:First of all, this advice column with a therapist is really relevant to you:

https://www.theatlantic.com/family/archive/2020/02/should-i-leave-my-wife-another-woman/606202/

Also, been there. I have a really overwhelming crush on someone, and have done everything you did -- had graphic fantasies, imagined life with him, the whole bit. The connection escalated --we spent more and more time together, many hours of conversation. We don't text or communicate outside of when we see each other. It's been going on for about 2 years.

We have not had an affair. Both spouses know about the crushes. Everyone is trying to be a grown up about it.

COVID has really helped everyone re-connect with their spouses!

OP, you don't have to decide anything right now. DO NOT HAVE AN AFFAIR with this person. You don't want to do anything that will make you feel shame/guilt, to make you lose respect for yourself. You don't want to have to lie to your family -- it will destroy your soul.

And, you don't want to have an affair with someone in the middle of an infatuation, throw away your marriage, and then find out that your new guy is not actually the one for you. You need time to figure that out.

Same. Not sure what to do with these feelings - they just exist.

OMG you're very immature. You should never have married and had kids.

+1..

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:^ I forgot to add, there are single men who target married women. Not because of the chase or because they are going to fall in love with you - no - because they want a fuxk that they can walk away from.

Boom! Oh and if he's cool having rendezvous with a married woman, he' s not that great of a guy. Take those blinders off.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:my story is a version of this story: I got a divorce. i think there is something about a woman nearing mid-life (or however anyone wants to define it) that you go, holy sh*t, do i need to sublimate my own happiness for the rest of my life for this ridiculous picture of what a woman's life should be? to take care of everyone else, all the time? when i've said over and over again to him what i need to meet basic emotional needs? it's so embarrassing and sad honestly that this is the same q our mothers asked themselves, but many of them didn't divorce. I don't think you need to die on the cross for an nuclear family. The op said this person is not meeting her needs, not emotionally, not in any substantive way. and she's asked, repeatedly. I think the q is: would you be OK with leaving him even if it didn't work out with this dude? Don't leave for someone else. Leave b/c you have to to be hole, and know that there are no promises about this new thing. can you be happy with being alone? Would it be ok to have your kids 1/2 time and not cook and clean and tend to everyone's needs, be everyone's boss, 100 percent of the time? But be in charge of your time, most of the time? That is ok, completely ok, if your answer is yes, being on your own would be better. Know that the next couple of years are going to be a complete shit show as you transition to that new space. but if you've spent time thinking about those questions, and you also get some therapy for yourself (not couples!) you may be able to see what you need for yourself. Or maybe you already know. Just don't put your eggs in this other person's basket.

If you don't want a nuclear family, don't get married and have kids. If you don't want someone who is dependent on you don't get married and have kids. If you want to be me, myself, and I, going wherever the wind may carry, don't get married and have kids.[/quotues)

you don't have to accept being treated like sh*t. ever. like you and your feelings don't matter. but again, i don't think that some other person is going to solve your problems. my suggestion is ask yourself if you'd be happier outside of the marriage if this thing with this other person didn't work. if so, that's some real "actionable" knowledge that you should not feel ashamed for, and you can bring that to your current partner and be like, this is how i feel, how do you feel? and you shouldn't let weirdo internet forum nuclear family scolds make you feel like a failure. he failed the relationship too. hugs to you and what you are going thru. your feelings are important, you are important, your needs are not being met, and something needs to change. good luck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:First of all, this advice column with a therapist is really relevant to you:

https://www.theatlantic.com/family/archive/2020/02/should-i-leave-my-wife-another-woman/606202/

Also, been there. I have a really overwhelming crush on someone, and have done everything you did -- had graphic fantasies, imagined life with him, the whole bit. The connection escalated --we spent more and more time together, many hours of conversation. We don't text or communicate outside of when we see each other. It's been going on for about 2 years.

We have not had an affair. Both spouses know about the crushes. Everyone is trying to be a grown up about it.

COVID has really helped everyone re-connect with their spouses!

OP, you don't have to decide anything right now. DO NOT HAVE AN AFFAIR with this person. You don't want to do anything that will make you feel shame/guilt, to make you lose respect for yourself. You don't want to have to lie to your family -- it will destroy your soul.

And, you don't want to have an affair with someone in the middle of an infatuation, throw away your marriage, and then find out that your new guy is not actually the one for you. You need time to figure that out.

Same. Not sure what to do with these feelings - they just exist.

OMG you're very immature. You should never have married and had kids.

Immature would be acting on the PP’s feelings. Bringing that energy home is a great step.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:my story is a version of this story: I got a divorce. i think there is something about a woman nearing mid-life (or however anyone wants to define it) that you go, holy sh*t, do i need to sublimate my own happiness for the rest of my life for this ridiculous picture of what a woman's life should be? to take care of everyone else, all the time? when i've said over and over again to him what i need to meet basic emotional needs? it's so embarrassing and sad honestly that this is the same q our mothers asked themselves, but many of them didn't divorce. I don't think you need to die on the cross for an nuclear family. The op said this person is not meeting her needs, not emotionally, not in any substantive way. and she's asked, repeatedly. I think the q is: would you be OK with leaving him even if it didn't work out with this dude? Don't leave for someone else. Leave b/c you have to to be hole, and know that there are no promises about this new thing. can you be happy with being alone? Would it be ok to have your kids 1/2 time and not cook and clean and tend to everyone's needs, be everyone's boss, 100 percent of the time? But be in charge of your time, most of the time? That is ok, completely ok, if your answer is yes, being on your own would be better. Know that the next couple of years are going to be a complete shit show as you transition to that new space. but if you've spent time thinking about those questions, and you also get some therapy for yourself (not couples!) you may be able to see what you need for yourself. Or maybe you already know. Just don't put your eggs in this other person's basket.

If you don't want a nuclear family, don't get married and have kids. If you don't want someone who is dependent on you don't get married and have kids. If you want to be me, myself, and I, going wherever the wind may carry, don't get married and have kids.

Yep. I have so much respect for my 52 year old brother that did not succumb to parental expectations or societal expectations and stayed single. He has had many girlfriends and is very set in his ways. He would have made a horrible husband and father and recognized that.

I HATE all these people that settle to pop out a few kids and then want to run away from their life. Most never really had true love or looked at the long commitment of marriage/family, they were just following a script. Losers.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:my story is a version of this story: I got a divorce. i think there is something about a woman nearing mid-life (or however anyone wants to define it) that you go, holy sh*t, do i need to sublimate my own happiness for the rest of my life for this ridiculous picture of what a woman's life should be? to take care of everyone else, all the time? when i've said over and over again to him what i need to meet basic emotional needs? it's so embarrassing and sad honestly that this is the same q our mothers asked themselves, but many of them didn't divorce. I don't think you need to die on the cross for an nuclear family. The op said this person is not meeting her needs, not emotionally, not in any substantive way. and she's asked, repeatedly. I think the q is: would you be OK with leaving him even if it didn't work out with this dude? Don't leave for someone else. Leave b/c you have to to be hole, and know that there are no promises about this new thing. can you be happy with being alone? Would it be ok to have your kids 1/2 time and not cook and clean and tend to everyone's needs, be everyone's boss, 100 percent of the time? But be in charge of your time, most of the time? That is ok, completely ok, if your answer is yes, being on your own would be better. Know that the next couple of years are going to be a complete shit show as you transition to that new space. but if you've spent time thinking about those questions, and you also get some therapy for yourself (not couples!) you may be able to see what you need for yourself. Or maybe you already know. Just don't put your eggs in this other person's basket.

If you don't want a nuclear family, don't get married and have kids. If you don't want someone who is dependent on you don't get married and have kids. If you want to be me, myself, and I, going wherever the wind may carry, don't get married and have kids.[/quotues)

you don't have to accept being treated like sh*t. ever. like you and your feelings don't matter. but again, i don't think that some other person is going to solve your problems. my suggestion is ask yourself if you'd be happier outside of the marriage if this thing with this other person didn't work. if so, that's some real "actionable" knowledge that you should not feel ashamed for, and you can bring that to your current partner and be like, this is how i feel, how do you feel? and you shouldn't let weirdo internet forum nuclear family scolds make you feel like a failure. he failed the relationship too. hugs to you and what you are going thru. your feelings are important, you are important, your needs are not being met, and something needs to change. good luck.

There's a whole wide world between accepting being treated like shit and going of to chase butterflies, you know like work on the relationship.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:my story is a version of this story: I got a divorce. i think there is something about a woman nearing mid-life (or however anyone wants to define it) that you go, holy sh*t, do i need to sublimate my own happiness for the rest of my life for this ridiculous picture of what a woman's life should be? to take care of everyone else, all the time? when i've said over and over again to him what i need to meet basic emotional needs? it's so embarrassing and sad honestly that this is the same q our mothers asked themselves, but many of them didn't divorce. I don't think you need to die on the cross for an nuclear family. The op said this person is not meeting her needs, not emotionally, not in any substantive way. and she's asked, repeatedly. I think the q is: would you be OK with leaving him even if it didn't work out with this dude? Don't leave for someone else. Leave b/c you have to to be hole, and know that there are no promises about this new thing. can you be happy with being alone? Would it be ok to have your kids 1/2 time and not cook and clean and tend to everyone's needs, be everyone's boss, 100 percent of the time? But be in charge of your time, most of the time? That is ok, completely ok, if your answer is yes, being on your own would be better. Know that the next couple of years are going to be a complete shit show as you transition to that new space. but if you've spent time thinking about those questions, and you also get some therapy for yourself (not couples!) you may be able to see what you need for yourself. Or maybe you already know. Just don't put your eggs in this other person's basket.

If you don't want a nuclear family, don't get married and have kids. If you don't want someone who is dependent on you don't get married and have kids. If you want to be me, myself, and I, going wherever the wind may carry, don't get married and have kids.

Yep. I have so much respect for my 52 year old brother that did not succumb to parental expectations or societal expectations and stayed single. He has had many girlfriends and is very set in his ways. He would have made a horrible husband and father and recognized that.

I HATE all these people that settle to pop out a few kids and then want to run away from their life. Most never really had true love or looked at the long commitment of marriage/family, they were just following a script. Losers.

I have a lot o respect for people like your brother as well. It's onw thing to marry someone and that person becomes abusive so you leave. It's another thing to basically have a tantrum because you aren't getting butterflies everytime youl look at your SO after 16 years. Perhaps we fail people, sell them too much of a fairytale, maybe we should make it clear marriage is boring, it's grunt work most of the time, it's oatmeal everyday with a side of toast. you aren't going to like your partner every single second,, sometimes you'll think they're an idiot, and you really can't tolerate them for another second. Your kids will be annoying , messy, disrupt your sleep and sex life 95 % of the time. You'll have to work to spend a little time together, you won't be able to just drop everything like a pair of teenagers, and sometimes when you get a free moment you'll be too tired to do anything. Maybe this would be better than Hallmark stories, and telling people they can't be adults until they are married with children, or they aren't as valuable if they are single.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:First of all, this advice column with a therapist is really relevant to you:

https://www.theatlantic.com/family/archive/2020/02/should-i-leave-my-wife-another-woman/606202/

Also, been there. I have a really overwhelming crush on someone, and have done everything you did -- had graphic fantasies, imagined life with him, the whole bit. The connection escalated --we spent more and more time together, many hours of conversation. We don't text or communicate outside of when we see each other. It's been going on for about 2 years.

We have not had an affair. Both spouses know about the crushes. Everyone is trying to be a grown up about it.

COVID has really helped everyone re-connect with their spouses!

OP, you don't have to decide anything right now. DO NOT HAVE AN AFFAIR with this person. You don't want to do anything that will make you feel shame/guilt, to make you lose respect for yourself. You don't want to have to lie to your family -- it will destroy your soul.

And, you don't want to have an affair with someone in the middle of an infatuation, throw away your marriage, and then find out that your new guy is not actually the one for you. You need time to figure that out.

Same. Not sure what to do with these feelings - they just exist.

OMG you're very immature. You should never have married and had kids.

Immature would be acting on the PP’s feelings. Bringing that energy home is a great step.

I wonder how the spouses feel about these little crushes, who pp in her follow up post says she doesn't know where it will go teehee so cute

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:First of all, this advice column with a therapist is really relevant to you:

https://www.theatlantic.com/family/archive/2020/02/should-i-leave-my-wife-another-woman/606202/

Also, been there. I have a really overwhelming crush on someone, and have done everything you did -- had graphic fantasies, imagined life with him, the whole bit. The connection escalated --we spent more and more time together, many hours of conversation. We don't text or communicate outside of when we see each other. It's been going on for about 2 years.

We have not had an affair. Both spouses know about the crushes. Everyone is trying to be a grown up about it.

COVID has really helped everyone re-connect with their spouses!

OP, you don't have to decide anything right now. DO NOT HAVE AN AFFAIR with this person. You don't want to do anything that will make you feel shame/guilt, to make you lose respect for yourself. You don't want to have to lie to your family -- it will destroy your soul.

And, you don't want to have an affair with someone in the middle of an infatuation, throw away your marriage, and then find out that your new guy is not actually the one for you. You need time to figure that out.

Same. Not sure what to do with these feelings - they just exist.

OMG you're very immature. You should never have married and had kids.

Immature would be acting on the PP’s feelings. Bringing that energy home is a great step.

Nope. I'm pretty sure immature is spending time masturbating and fantasizing about someone when you're married to someone else and have kids. Not to mention its a monumental waste of time and energy.

[Anonymous]

6 pages of lambasting the OP who has not cheated on her husband. She didn't say the other guy is interested in her sexually. They've had conversations in group settings. Her husband's disinterest, dismissiveness, and narcissistic tendencies is concerning. Unless there's more that OP isn't saying, she's entitled to her feelings for the reasons she's stated.

You all judge and comment from a place of fear. You monopolize the relationship forums and as a result, men don't comment often. Their perspective from a husband's point of view could help, but they won't swim in toxic waters.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:First of all, this advice column with a therapist is really relevant to you:

https://www.theatlantic.com/family/archive/2020/02/should-i-leave-my-wife-another-woman/606202/

Also, been there. I have a really overwhelming crush on someone, and have done everything you did -- had graphic fantasies, imagined life with him, the whole bit. The connection escalated --we spent more and more time together, many hours of conversation. We don't text or communicate outside of when we see each other. It's been going on for about 2 years.

We have not had an affair. Both spouses know about the crushes. Everyone is trying to be a grown up about it.

COVID has really helped everyone re-connect with their spouses!

OP, you don't have to decide anything right now. DO NOT HAVE AN AFFAIR with this person. You don't want to do anything that will make you feel shame/guilt, to make you lose respect for yourself. You don't want to have to lie to your family -- it will destroy your soul.

And, you don't want to have an affair with someone in the middle of an infatuation, throw away your marriage, and then find out that your new guy is not actually the one for you. You need time to figure that out.

Same. Not sure what to do with these feelings - they just exist.

OMG you're very immature. You should never have married and had kids.

Immature would be acting on the PP’s feelings. Bringing that energy home is a great step.

Nope. I'm pretty sure immature is spending time masturbating and fantasizing about someone when you're married to someone else and have kids. Not to mention its a monumental waste of time and energy.

NP. You don’t think married people masturbate to anyone but their spouse?! Fantasizing about others or having feelings for someone every now and then is part of life. Do you think that married men and women should only ever think of their spouse when they are solo? LOL!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:6 pages of lambasting the OP who has not cheated on her husband. She didn't say the other guy is interested in her sexually. They've had conversations in group settings. Her husband's disinterest, dismissiveness, and narcissistic tendencies is concerning. Unless there's more that OP isn't saying, she's entitled to her feelings for the reasons she's stated.

You all judge and comment from a place of fear. You monopolize the relationship forums and as a result, men don't comment often. Their perspective from a husband's point of view could help, but they won't swim in toxic waters.

Sometimes people just know when someone isn’t really in love with them. Sorry. Not every marriage is a treasure worth saving, even for the kids.

[Anonymous]

OP- please please take my advice and stop all contact with thugs person.

The mind can play tricks on you...make you believe you have a real emotional connection for someone when really, you’re probably just a little bit bored and lonely and missing the excitement of romance now that marriage and kids have settled in to the daily monotony.

I have been where you are. I let myself fantasize after a “friend” told me he had fantasized about me for years (he’s also married). We kind of laughed about it. Both realized that we would never ever ever act on those feelings. And we didn’t physically. But we did have a few months of interaction that was too emotionally connected. I realized where my mind had taken me..a dangerous place. Thank God we didn’t cross a line physically but now I live with the guilt of emotional betrayal. And looking back... it wasn’t what I thought it was... it was a figment of my middle aged imagination; escapism.

I live with guilt daily. I hate myself for what I did.