Would you be ok with your SO having dinners with ex hisband/wife and the kids?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Dinners once or twice a month with both parents and children sounds very reasonable and healthy I agree that there is no need for you to be included in those dinners as long as you’re included another significant life events. I’m a stepmom and know how sensitive this stuff is, but it’s best for you to have a healthy boundary and allow the parents to be parents. This is not about you. You can have a strong relationship and still allow your partner to coparent.

So would you be okay with your spouse pretending you don't exist for the kids?

This. The boyfriend has not once introduced his one year girlfriend to his family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous[b wrote:]I was the child in this situation. My parents' insistence on having dinners together was awkward and annoying. [/b] In no way did it make me think they were going to get back together, because even a short time was painfully awkward. I doubt the kids are fooled in any way. "Keep up appearances" of what, exactly? The kids can tell that their parents are divorced!

I agree that this means the dad isn't really serious about the OP. Not because the dinners are happening and she isn't invited (this is fine, and kids deserve time with their parents and no extra people). But because it's been a year and she hasn't met the kids at all. It seems like he doesn't want to change the family dynamic while the kids are still at home. And I think that's completely understandable. It's a big hassle to re-integrate everyone into a new family setup, just as they've settled down to a "new normal" post-divorce. I think parents have the right to date, but it isn't always worth the blowback if you aren't sufficiently enthusiastic about the relationship.

[Anonymous]

I would not have problems with the 2 exes and kids occasionally having a dinner. Honestly the 17 year old probably wants nothing to do with it.

The big problem is the boyfriend has not once introduced you to his family, not even for a couple of minutes walking out the door.

He treats you like you don't exist.

There are better quality men out there.

[Anonymous]

Many divorced families have a joint dinner once a week so everyone can get schedules and obligations straight for the next week -- who has practice, work, tests, projects, etc. when. It's particularly important if you're managing multiple kids with a variety of school and extra curricular obligations.

[Anonymous]

I’m about to get divorced and have children who are almost teenagers. I can think of several reasons why my STBX would do this. For years now he has spent very little time with our kids. As a result, they don’t feel very comfortable around him. They wouldn’t want to go to dinner with him without my going too. I’ve done everything I can to promote his having his own relationships with the kids, independent of me, but it’s like he and they speak different languages. He just accepts that they don’t want to do anything with him any more, and that allows him to justify not spending time with them. It’s a viscous cycle I’ve been unable to break. Also, one of our kids has special needs and poor emotional regulation. This child can be a lot to handle. I can see STBX delaying having a SO meet our kids as long as possible, due to not wanting to scare off SO. Finally, a big part of why we’re divorcing is that STBX wants life to be more fun and wants to party with younger people instead of acting like a middle-aged family man. I don’t think he would want to mix his “dad life” with his “fun life.” It would be a hell of a lot easier to blame his nasty ex than to tell the truth, which would make him look bad.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My DHs kids def knew they were divorced. We’d all have dinner sometimes for birthdays or other events. He mowed his es wife’s lawn and sometimes ended up eating dinner there with her and whatever kids where around. It was okay. He is NOT the nostalgic (as in sleep with the ex) type if that’s what you worry about.

I don’t think OP is worried about that. I think OP is upset because after a year, her boyfriend is still keeping her away from a big part of his life (his kids). As long as he isn’t integrating her into family gatherings, she knows he’s not thinking seriously of marrying her or anything like that.

Yes this is it. I thought we were moving, in one direction, and now it seems we're not. I want to be flexible as I know this is a sensitive thing for the kids, but I don't know where to set the line of being flexible or stupid.

Op this is good for the kids and has nothing to do with you. My parents divorced when I was 2. I still wanted a picture with just them on my wedding day, despite loving my very involved stepparents deeply.

Yeah because this is what OP is complaining about, not being included in a wedding picture.

I am just saying that even 25 years later it was still important for me to have a moment with my mom and dad. And I guess notable because in my family there were NEVER any family dinners, my parents didn't even speak to each other.

My point is that it doesn't matter how long its been, many kids are still going to appreciate seeing their parents together, even in a superficial sense.

I understand that OP is mad about feeling like she's not included. But my dad only introduced me to two women, one he proposed to and one he married. Some people take introducing their kids very seriously. I wouldn't assume that not being included in this is a death knell of the relationship, unless OP's needs aren't being met.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Dinners once or twice a month with both parents and children sounds very reasonable and healthy I agree that there is no need for you to be included in those dinners as long as you’re included another significant life events. I’m a stepmom and know how sensitive this stuff is, but it’s best for you to have a healthy boundary and allow the parents to be parents. This is not about you. You can have a strong relationship and still allow your partner to coparent.

So would you be okay with your spouse pretending you don't exist for the kids?

Not being invited to dinner with children and coparents twice a month does not equal pretending that she doesn’t exist. It sounded to me like 0P was saying that she perceived it that the ex-wife wants to pretend that she doesn’t exist because the ex-wife does not want her to come to family dinner. It seems to me to be completely reasonable to not include a girlfriend and a dinner with two parents and their children. They’re not a married couple and they’re not pretending to be a married couple. They’re simply allowing children to be alone with their parents Without the presence of outside people. I think it’s very fair to allow children time alone with both of their parents. The dad can still talk about his girlfriend occasionally and still make reference to her and eventually have the kids spend time with her, but that doesn’t have to be at these dinners. The dinners are just for the children to have time with the two of their parents together. It’s a very healthy thing.

I started dating my now husband when his daughter was a teenager. Until I started dating him he celebrated all of their birthdays together as a family. He had overnights with his daughter only every other weekend, but he spent every evening with her doing homework and making dinner before his ex-wife came home from her job which got out later than his. It was actually wonderful for them and it was especially important for his daughter to get undivided time with her dad on a consistent basis. Unfortunately once I got serious with my husband, his ex got more and more insecure and started pulling away I honestly was kind of threatened by how much time they spent together so I didn’t courage them to spend any more time together. When he spent his next birthday just with me rather than with his daughter and ex I was frankly relieved. I never encouraged him to have dinners with his daughter and ex again. And I deeply regret that now. It was selfish of me and I was extremely insecure. Of course my husband could’ve done what he wanted I wasn’t pressuring him not to see his ex, but I certainly didn’t encourage them to spend time together or say good things about it. 10 years later, I can see that my presence Really drove a wedge between her and her dad, even though I didn’t see it at the time. And even though it was largely due to her mothers pathological insecurity. I wish that I had been a stronger person and a bigger person and had encourage them to spend more time together.

[Anonymous]

As an ex-wife, the dinners are something the kid wants and I do them for the kid. I had a child with my ex, we both owe that kid some time as a family of three even though, for me, if I never saw my ex again that would be okay. I would really listen to the pp. If you have a lot of jealousy or ego, don't get into this relationship. If you do get into this relationship, do all you can to make sure your partner nurtures a strong bond with his child. I've definitely known divorced couples who maintained enmeshed, unhealthy relationships, but the occasional family dinner is not that.

[Anonymous]

I'm the ex-wife in this scenario and there is no way a serious gf should be left out of the dinner.

[Anonymous]

I am shocked at all of the animosity around parents spending time with their children post-divorce. Divorce without children, fine, never see your ex-spouse again, but divorce with children is a completely different ballgame. Divorced parents need to get along with their ex-spouse, regardless of what the new spouse/significant other thinks.

Family dinners are not a big deal, and no, significant others should not be invited. This is about the children and their parents.

[Anonymous]

No I think it’s fine.

Unless you are engaged or living together, you’re not family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm the ex-wife in this scenario and there is no way a serious gf should be left out of the dinner.

Seriously? I’m a stepmom and I would never expect to join my husband his ex and his daughter for their dinners. She gets to spend time with her parents without me. I respect that. There are all kinds of ways in which I’ve included in big family events and of course I get to spend time with her anytime she’s here at our house. But I would never presume to interfere with her time alone with her parents. It’s kind of like what one of the poster said above, about wanting a wedding photograph with just your parents. It doesn’t mean that you don’t love your stepparents. But it’s OK to want to speak to spend time with your parents without also spending time with their new spouses.

I feel similarly about feeling fine with my husband spending time with his mother. They have a relationship that separate from me. A woman gets to want to spend time with her son without having his wife there all the time. That doesn’t mean that she doesn’t except that he is married and that we are a family unit, it just means that they get to have a relationship without me there sometimes. And when she wanted to have a photo of just her and him at the wedding, that was fine with me too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Many divorced families have a joint dinner once a week so everyone can get schedules and obligations straight for the next week -- who has practice, work, tests, projects, etc. when. It's particularly important if you're managing multiple kids with a variety of school and extra curricular obligations.

Exactly. And nothing wrong with it!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am shocked at all of the animosity around parents spending time with their children post-divorce. Divorce without children, fine, never see your ex-spouse again, but divorce with children is a completely different ballgame. Divorced parents need to get along with their ex-spouse, regardless of what the new spouse/significant other thinks.

Family dinners are not a big deal, and no, significant others should not be invited. This is about the children and their parents.

Amen! People seem to have no idea what a divorce looks like when they are putting the kids first. It has nothing to do with the ex-spouses. It is all about the kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am shocked at all of the animosity around parents spending time with their children post-divorce. Divorce without children, fine, never see your ex-spouse again, but divorce with children is a completely different ballgame. Divorced parents need to get along with their ex-spouse, regardless of what the new spouse/significant other thinks.

Family dinners are not a big deal, and no, significant others should not be invited. This is about the children and their parents.

Amen! People seem to have no idea what a divorce looks like when they are putting the kids first. It has nothing to do with the ex-spouses. It is all about the kids.

Totally agree - kids of divorced parents would be so much better of if their parents had civil relationships and could gather as co-parents with their kids on a semi-regular basis.

OP, I think you are just too insecure to be in this relationship. Would you think about getting therapy to help you figure out why you are so needy and resent the time your boyfriend spends with his kids? It would be much more of a red flag about his character if he had a terrible relationship with his ex and didn't see his kids very much.