Reply to Would you be ok with your SO having dinners with ex hisband/wife and the kids?

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Dinners once or twice a month with both parents and children sounds very reasonable and healthy I agree that there is no need for you to be included in those dinners as long as you’re included another significant life events.  I’m a stepmom and know how sensitive this stuff is, but it’s best for you to have a healthy boundary and allow the parents to be parents. This is not about you. You can have a strong relationship and still allow your partner to coparent.[/quote]

So would you be okay with your spouse pretending you don't exist for the kids?[/quote]

Not being invited to dinner with children and coparents twice a month does not equal pretending that she doesn’t exist. It sounded to me like 0P was saying that she perceived it that the ex-wife wants to pretend that she doesn’t exist because the ex-wife does not want her to come to family dinner. It seems to me to be completely reasonable to not include a girlfriend and a dinner with two parents and their children. They’re not a married couple and they’re not pretending to be a married couple. They’re simply allowing children to be alone with their parents Without the presence of outside people. I think it’s very fair to allow children time alone with both of their parents. The dad can still talk about his girlfriend occasionally and still make reference to her and eventually have the kids spend time with her, but that doesn’t have to be at these dinners. The dinners are just for the children to have time with the two of their parents together. It’s a very healthy thing.

I started dating my now husband when his daughter was a teenager. Until I started dating him he celebrated all of their birthdays together as a family. He had overnights with his daughter only every other weekend, but he spent every evening with her doing homework and making dinner before his ex-wife came home from her job which got out later than his. It was actually wonderful for them and it was especially important for his daughter to get undivided time with her dad on a consistent basis. Unfortunately once I got serious with my husband, his ex got more and more insecure and started pulling away I honestly was kind of threatened by how much time they spent together so I didn’t courage them to spend any more time together. When he spent his next birthday just with me rather than with his daughter and ex I was frankly relieved. I never encouraged him to have dinners with his daughter and ex again. And I deeply regret that now. It was selfish of me and I was extremely insecure. Of course my husband could’ve done what he wanted I wasn’t pressuring him not to see his ex, but I certainly didn’t encourage them to spend time together or say good things about it. 10 years later, I can see that my presence Really drove a wedge between her and her dad, even though I didn’t see it at the time. And even though it was largely due to her mothers pathological insecurity. I wish that I had been a stronger person and a bigger person and had encourage them to spend more time together.[/quote]

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