Would you be ok with your SO having dinners with ex hisband/wife and the kids?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I divorced 3 years ago and have dinner once a week with exDH and DD. Sometimes one of us cooks, sometimes we go out, but we make it a point to have a family meal. I do not invite my significant other as this is DDs time with her parents.

I would never date someone that doesn’t understand that while I’m divorced, this is my DDs family and her parents get along.

Yes, we’re also one of those families that still does holidays together.

I think this is great.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I divorced 3 years ago and have dinner once a week with exDH and DD. Sometimes one of us cooks, sometimes we go out, but we make it a point to have a family meal. I do not invite my significant other as this is DDs time with her parents.

I would never date someone that doesn’t understand that while I’m divorced, this is my DDs family and her parents get along.

Yes, we’re also one of those families that still does holidays together.

+1000. It’s about the kids and their family. Those kids don’t want dad’s girlfriend interfering with their family time. It’s awkward and uncomfortable for them, and will make them feel like girlfriend is the priority.

I think often when childless people date parents, they think it’ll be one big, happy insta-family. The reality is the exact opposite - the kids want nothing to do with you, they’re always going to come first, and there will be tension and conflict. If you can’t handle it, don’t date people with kids.

IT makes you feel better to think this way. Your ex rejected you, and you want the kids to reject the new spouse as some sort of validation of you. That's not healthy that's not putting the kids first.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I divorced 3 years ago and have dinner once a week with exDH and DD. Sometimes one of us cooks, sometimes we go out, but we make it a point to have a family meal. I do not invite my significant other as this is DDs time with her parents.

I would never date someone that doesn’t understand that while I’m divorced, this is my DDs family and her parents get along.

Yes, we’re also one of those families that still does holidays together.

+1 and healthiest for the kid(s). Anyone dating the dad has to understand that. When it is time, ti will be time. But not getting in the middle of that is the right thing to do. The kids have enough to deal with.

Your DD is going to be in for a world of hurt when you and DH do get an SO. Ther'es getting along for the kids, and there's creating a lie, and this has nothing to do with putting the kids first.

I do have a SO who DD has met many times and gets along with. But he is not her father, and she deserves to have time with just her parents. There is no rude awakening, she knows we’re divorced. We just choose to put her first.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Dating over a year.

The appearance of nothing in their lives changing.

The kids know their parents have divorced, right?

You’ve posted twice and I’m already finding your passive-aggression tiresome.

I don't mean to have a tone. To be honest I'm not sure, if they know or not, I initially assumed that they did. I have not met the children yet. This is not a graduation or birthday dinner. This is something they have been doing, ex wife has made it clear that I will never need to attend dinners. Both don't want to upset kids. We had previously discussed me meeting his kids.

Ex doesn’t run the narrative one his love life if he doesn’t let her. I would seriously push back that if these are to continue besides big events you are to be invited. One by one. Giving him some time. Until he realizes it. And if not deal breaker. It’s not getting better if he can’t stNd up to her now.

Out new spouse.
I’m now married with kids with a similar situation in the past. Nipped that real quick. Post divorce maybe, but it’s been a year. They aren’t a family anymore sorry to break it to her. Kids always come first but that’s doesn’t mean dinners with Cordial and friendly yes. Give him time to understand and talk it out but it’s a dealbreaker if he cows to her over your feelings. He will never be able to have a real relationship with one foot in the past.

And here I though wicked stepmothers were only in fairy tales....

She's not wicked,a t least not from what she wrote. It's not healthy to pretend dad's new wife doesn't exist. We have to help kids deal with reality as painful as that reality may be. A wife or girlfriend who might ebcome a wife is not the same as dad's flavor of the week post divorce.

You projectiny your emotional issues on the kids ( pretending new wife doesn't exist, and won't have an impact in some way on your kids lives isn't healthy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I divorced 3 years ago and have dinner once a week with exDH and DD. Sometimes one of us cooks, sometimes we go out, but we make it a point to have a family meal. I do not invite my significant other as this is DDs time with her parents.

I would never date someone that doesn’t understand that while I’m divorced, this is my DDs family and her parents get along.

Yes, we’re also one of those families that still does holidays together.

+1 and healthiest for the kid(s). Anyone dating the dad has to understand that. When it is time, ti will be time. But not getting in the middle of that is the right thing to do. The kids have enough to deal with.

Your DD is going to be in for a world of hurt when you and DH do get an SO. Ther'es getting along for the kids, and there's creating a lie, and this has nothing to do with putting the kids first.

I do have a SO who DD has met many times and gets along with. But he is not her father, and she deserves to have time with just her parents. There is no rude awakening, she knows we’re divorced. We just choose to put her first.

He can still be her dad without pretending you and he are still a couple. She deserves to have time with her dad. She deserves to have her parents behave like decent people when they get together to celebrate things. She does not deserve a mom who wants to keep tabs on dad by pretending to have her best interest at heart.

[Anonymous]

Not enough info. Yes and no.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I divorced 3 years ago and have dinner once a week with exDH and DD. Sometimes one of us cooks, sometimes we go out, but we make it a point to have a family meal. I do not invite my significant other as this is DDs time with her parents.

I would never date someone that doesn’t understand that while I’m divorced, this is my DDs family and her parents get along.

Yes, we’re also one of those families that still does holidays together.

+1 and healthiest for the kid(s). Anyone dating the dad has to understand that. When it is time, ti will be time. But not getting in the middle of that is the right thing to do. The kids have enough to deal with.

Your DD is going to be in for a world of hurt when you and DH do get an SO. Ther'es getting along for the kids, and there's creating a lie, and this has nothing to do with putting the kids first.

I do have a SO who DD has met many times and gets along with. But he is not her father, and she deserves to have time with just her parents. There is no rude awakening, she knows we’re divorced. We just choose to put her first.

He can still be her dad without pretending you and he are still a couple. She deserves to have time with her dad. She deserves to have her parents behave like decent people when they get together to celebrate things. She does not deserve a mom who wants to keep tabs on dad by pretending to have her best interest at heart.

He is her father and she spends plenty of 1:1 time with him. We do not in any way pretend we are a couple, we act as her parents, which we are. Having dinner as a family - because again, we are her family - is in no way “keeping tabs on her dad”. It’s literally a few hours out of the week where we share a meal, nothing more.

I’d never date someone that wasn’t in good terms with their child’s other parent as I believe it shows significant selfishness and immaturity. Anyone should be able to get along for the sake of their children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Not enough info. Yes and no.

On the fence with what is right. I think the best thing for OP to do is to clarify what her boyfriend's intentions are and make sure they are on the same page. Do they both want marriage? Will they have more kids? If they are to move forward in a relationship leading to marriage how does he plan to facilitate a relationship between her and the kids? What will the family look like? What if any boundaries will he create with ex wife?

I'd be curious to know how things ended because ex's insistence that OP will never be apart of anything sends up red flags to me. It might be awkward and uncomfortable, but it's best when everyone exes, new spouses, work to get along and create a new family for the well-being of the kids I can see this being difficult if there was infidelity that led to the divorce.

[Anonymous]

I think I can see this working if it’s like once a month and no more. As long as you aren’t excluded once you’re married. I am married, but dinner with kids is like 99% about the kids. Dh and I don’t get a word in together. The kids talk nonstop and we learn about their days and what they like. Kids gain a lot from both their parents undivided attention.

If you don’t like it, don’t date someone with such a friendly relationship with their ex. My neighbors do it best. They rotate every other week. They bought houses on the same street. They spend the kids birthday together. And they have meetings together apart from their kid to coordinate her (discussions about how she’s doing in school, where to send her to camp, etc). And they have one dinner a month together. They are both ridiculously obsessed with their daughter. Even divorced they spend all their time on her. But I think it’s great. No kid should ever grow up thinking she’s less than completely loved.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I divorced 3 years ago and have dinner once a week with exDH and DD. Sometimes one of us cooks, sometimes we go out, but we make it a point to have a family meal. I do not invite my significant other as this is DDs time with her parents.

I would never date someone that doesn’t understand that while I’m divorced, this is my DDs family and her parents get along.

Yes, we’re also one of those families that still does holidays together.

I think this is great.

Yeah no

I wouldn’t be ok with that

And I wouldn’t do that with my ex as I think it would confuse my DS and make him think his parents might get back together

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think I can see this working if it’s like once a month and no more. As long as you aren’t excluded once you’re married. I am married, but dinner with kids is like 99% about the kids. Dh and I don’t get a word in together. The kids talk nonstop and we learn about their days and what they like. Kids gain a lot from both their parents undivided attention.

If you don’t like it, don’t date someone with such a friendly relationship with their ex. My neighbors do it best. They rotate every other week. They bought houses on the same street. They spend the kids birthday together. And they have meetings together apart from their kid to coordinate her (discussions about how she’s doing in school, where to send her to camp, etc). And they have one dinner a month together. They are both ridiculously obsessed with their daughter. Even divorced they spend all their time on her. But I think it’s great. No kid should ever grow up thinking she’s less than completely loved.

It seems like your neighbors should probably just get back together.

As for OP, I think after a year you need to have a serious talk with your boyfriend, Nothing wrong with exes being close for the kids, but I wouldn't be cool the pretending I didn't exist especially if we're talking marriage. IF you want to be married you need to meet the kids and they need to meet you before you commit to that. Dinners can be worked out for the comfort level of all above, some do just dad and kids, some do exes and kids, some do everybody exes, new spouses, kids, and half/step-siblings

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m divorced, and I won’t introduce any partners to my kids until we’ve been dating 2 years and have a wedding date set. It’s nothing personal, I don’t want people in and out of my kids’ lives.

I do think family dinners 1-2x a month are ideal. I would do it, but my ex likes to pick fights.

When someone has kids, the kids will always come first. Always. It’s difficult to find a partner who understands that (I dated a guy recently who suggested I give up custody and only see my kids in the summer so I could move for his career. Uh.....)

Think very carefully if this is something you want to get into. You’ll always be second in his life and his kids will probably want nothing to do with you. If you can’t accept that, move on.

I think that’s too far the other way. Introducing your kids to a guy after you’ve got a wedding planned is nearly as bad as introducing him too early. There’s a middle ground and that plan misses it.

It works for me. I’m not going to have guys disappearing out of my kids’ lives. If they want to be integrated into the family, they can propose.

To clarify, I don’t mean springing it on kids a month before the wedding. But I need the commitment of a set date. That’ll give us a few months or a year for everyone to meet and see if it’ll work out.

Your priorities are effed up. Your children should be your number #1 priority but it’s clear that you are your top priority. If you were so concerned with who was in your children’s lives, then you’d let them have a relationship with your SO before your march down the aisle. To wait until a date is set means you really don’t care what they think, you just expect they need a few months to deal.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m divorced, and I won’t introduce any partners to my kids until we’ve been dating 2 years and have a wedding date set. It’s nothing personal, I don’t want people in and out of my kids’ lives.

I do think family dinners 1-2x a month are ideal. I would do it, but my ex likes to pick fights.

When someone has kids, the kids will always come first. Always. It’s difficult to find a partner who understands that (I dated a guy recently who suggested I give up custody and only see my kids in the summer so I could move for his career. Uh.....)

Think very carefully if this is something you want to get into. You’ll always be second in his life and his kids will probably want nothing to do with you. If you can’t accept that, move on.

Two years I can see but it doesn't seem weird to you that the first time your kids would meet their soon-to-be stepparent is once they are going to be their soon-to-be-stepparent? Seems like that's too late to me. What if the kids don't like them, wouldn't you want to know that before getting serious enough to set a wedding date?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I divorced 3 years ago and have dinner once a week with exDH and DD. Sometimes one of us cooks, sometimes we go out, but we make it a point to have a family meal. I do not invite my significant other as this is DDs time with her parents.

I would never date someone that doesn’t understand that while I’m divorced, this is my DDs family and her parents get along.

Yes, we’re also one of those families that still does holidays together.

+1 and healthiest for the kid(s). Anyone dating the dad has to understand that. When it is time, ti will be time. But not getting in the middle of that is the right thing to do. The kids have enough to deal with.

Your DD is going to be in for a world of hurt when you and DH do get an SO. Ther'es getting along for the kids, and there's creating a lie, and this has nothing to do with putting the kids first.

I do have a SO who DD has met many times and gets along with. But he is not her father, and she deserves to have time with just her parents. There is no rude awakening, she knows we’re divorced. We just choose to put her first.

He can still be her dad without pretending you and he are still a couple. She deserves to have time with her dad. She deserves to have her parents behave like decent people when they get together to celebrate things. She does not deserve a mom who wants to keep tabs on dad by pretending to have her best interest at heart.

I'm sorry, but a child is not going to think their parents are still a couple because they have a meal together once a week.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Dating over a year.

The appearance of nothing in their lives changing.

You need to have a serious talk with him about what his future plans are with you - marriage, kids or are you just for entertainment and a back up plan. Yes, his kids should be equal and deserve alone time with their Dad but if there is a future, you need to be treated as a partner after a year and not a one night stand.