Would you be ok with your SO having dinners with ex hisband/wife and the kids?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I divorced 3 years ago and have dinner once a week with exDH and DD. Sometimes one of us cooks, sometimes we go out, but we make it a point to have a family meal. I do not invite my significant other as this is DDs time with her parents.

I would never date someone that doesn’t understand that while I’m divorced, this is my DDs family and her parents get along.

Yes, we’re also one of those families that still does holidays together.

I think this is great.

Yeah no

I wouldn’t be ok with that

And I wouldn’t do that with my ex as I think it would confuse my DS and make him think his parents might get back together

I do not think it is confusing. I plan to do that with my ex once in awhile with kids forever. There is no romantic relationship. We can do the business of kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think I can see this working if it’s like once a month and no more. As long as you aren’t excluded once you’re married. I am married, but dinner with kids is like 99% about the kids. Dh and I don’t get a word in together. The kids talk nonstop and we learn about their days and what they like. Kids gain a lot from both their parents undivided attention.

If you don’t like it, don’t date someone with such a friendly relationship with their ex. My neighbors do it best. They rotate every other week. They bought houses on the same street. They spend the kids birthday together. And they have meetings together apart from their kid to coordinate her (discussions about how she’s doing in school, where to send her to camp, etc). And they have one dinner a month together. They are both ridiculously obsessed with their daughter. Even divorced they spend all their time on her. But I think it’s great. No kid should ever grow up thinking she’s less than completely loved.

It seems like your neighbors should probably just get back together.

As for OP, I think after a year you need to have a serious talk with your boyfriend, Nothing wrong with exes being close for the kids, but I wouldn't be cool the pretending I didn't exist especially if we're talking marriage. IF you want to be married you need to meet the kids and they need to meet you before you commit to that. Dinners can be worked out for the comfort level of all above, some do just dad and kids, some do exes and kids, some do everybody exes, new spouses, kids, and half/step-siblings

Not that PP but what is wrong with you? People can be great coparents and not be husband and wife. There is a reason they are divorced...they do not want to be married. Putting their kid first does not mean they should get back together. Clearly, the parent well but the marital relationship did not work. I have this kind of situation too. I have no idea why people can’t wrap their head around this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think I can see this working if it’s like once a month and no more. As long as you aren’t excluded once you’re married. I am married, but dinner with kids is like 99% about the kids. Dh and I don’t get a word in together. The kids talk nonstop and we learn about their days and what they like. Kids gain a lot from both their parents undivided attention.

If you don’t like it, don’t date someone with such a friendly relationship with their ex. My neighbors do it best. They rotate every other week. They bought houses on the same street. They spend the kids birthday together. And they have meetings together apart from their kid to coordinate her (discussions about how she’s doing in school, where to send her to camp, etc). And they have one dinner a month together. They are both ridiculously obsessed with their daughter. Even divorced they spend all their time on her. But I think it’s great. No kid should ever grow up thinking she’s less than completely loved.

It seems like your neighbors should probably just get back together.

As for OP, I think after a year you need to have a serious talk with your boyfriend, Nothing wrong with exes being close for the kids, but I wouldn't be cool the pretending I didn't exist especially if we're talking marriage. IF you want to be married you need to meet the kids and they need to meet you before you commit to that. Dinners can be worked out for the comfort level of all above, some do just dad and kids, some do exes and kids, some do everybody exes, new spouses, kids, and half/step-siblings

Not that PP but what is wrong with you? People can be great coparents and not be husband and wife. There is a reason they are divorced...they do not want to be married. Putting their kid first does not mean they should get back together. Clearly, the parent well but the marital relationship did not work. I have this kind of situation too. I have no idea why people can’t wrap their head around this.

Your kid will probably ask you the same question in the future, I sugges you be able to answer without biting his/her head off. Therapy is a good thing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think I can see this working if it’s like once a month and no more. As long as you aren’t excluded once you’re married. I am married, but dinner with kids is like 99% about the kids. Dh and I don’t get a word in together. The kids talk nonstop and we learn about their days and what they like. Kids gain a lot from both their parents undivided attention.

If you don’t like it, don’t date someone with such a friendly relationship with their ex. My neighbors do it best. They rotate every other week. They bought houses on the same street. They spend the kids birthday together. And they have meetings together apart from their kid to coordinate her (discussions about how she’s doing in school, where to send her to camp, etc). And they have one dinner a month together. They are both ridiculously obsessed with their daughter. Even divorced they spend all their time on her. But I think it’s great. No kid should ever grow up thinking she’s less than completely loved.

It sounds like your neighbors should have done the whole friends with a baby thing, their daughter never would have had to deal with a divorce,

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I divorced 3 years ago and have dinner once a week with exDH and DD. Sometimes one of us cooks, sometimes we go out, but we make it a point to have a family meal. I do not invite my significant other as this is DDs time with her parents.

I would never date someone that doesn’t understand that while I’m divorced, this is my DDs family and her parents get along.

Yes, we’re also one of those families that still does holidays together.

I think this is great.

Yeah no

I wouldn’t be ok with that

And I wouldn’t do that with my ex as I think it would confuse my DS and make him think his parents might get back together

I do not think it is confusing. I plan to do that with my ex once in awhile with kids forever. There is no romantic relationship. We can do the business of kids.

Since you still get along so well together, you should have stayed married to save your kids a lifetime of misery from your divorce. And yes, it will give your kids hope and let them continue the fantasies of having a real, intact family again.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Without you. In order to keep up appearances for the kids, and not wanting them to feel anything is different.

As someone who is divorced, has kids and is remarried, this is a terrible idea for the kids. Kids are not stupid. They will absolutely feel something is different even if they can't articulate that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I divorced 3 years ago and have dinner once a week with exDH and DD. Sometimes one of us cooks, sometimes we go out, but we make it a point to have a family meal. I do not invite my significant other as this is DDs time with her parents.

I would never date someone that doesn’t understand that while I’m divorced, this is my DDs family and her parents get along.

Yes, we’re also one of those families that still does holidays together.

+1000. It’s about the kids and their family. Those kids don’t want dad’s girlfriend interfering with their family time. It’s awkward and uncomfortable for them, and will make them feel like girlfriend is the priority.

I think often when childless people date parents, they think it’ll be one big, happy insta-family. The reality is the exact opposite - the kids want nothing to do with you, they’re always going to come first, and there will be tension and conflict. If you can’t handle it, don’t date people with kids.

IT makes you feel better to think this way. Your ex rejected you, and you want the kids to reject the new spouse as some sort of validation of you. That's not healthy that's not putting the kids first.

Nope. I left my ex, and ex is even more cautious about introducing SOs to our kids than I am.

My parents were divorced and I hated dealing with their SOs. They didn’t know how to relate to kids, and I always needed to keep my guard up because I knew they’d split eventually. I’m not doing that to my own kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m divorced, and I won’t introduce any partners to my kids until we’ve been dating 2 years and have a wedding date set. It’s nothing personal, I don’t want people in and out of my kids’ lives.

I do think family dinners 1-2x a month are ideal. I would do it, but my ex likes to pick fights.

When someone has kids, the kids will always come first. Always. It’s difficult to find a partner who understands that (I dated a guy recently who suggested I give up custody and only see my kids in the summer so I could move for his career. Uh.....)

Think very carefully if this is something you want to get into. You’ll always be second in his life and his kids will probably want nothing to do with you. If you can’t accept that, move on.

I think that’s too far the other way. Introducing your kids to a guy after you’ve got a wedding planned is nearly as bad as introducing him too early. There’s a middle ground and that plan misses it.

It works for me. I’m not going to have guys disappearing out of my kids’ lives. If they want to be integrated into the family, they can propose.

To clarify, I don’t mean springing it on kids a month before the wedding. But I need the commitment of a set date. That’ll give us a few months or a year for everyone to meet and see if it’ll work out.

Your priorities are effed up. Your children should be your number #1 priority but it’s clear that you are your top priority. If you were so concerned with who was in your children’s lives, then you’d let them have a relationship with your SO before your march down the aisle. To wait until a date is set means you really don’t care what they think, you just expect they need a few months to deal.

*shrug* if it takes longer than a few months, then we postpone getting married. Or if they don’t get along, we call it off. NBD. I’m not introducing the guy as “here’s your new stepdad!”

Either way, I need 2 years to make a decision if I want to marry someone- same as it was prekids- so my kids aren’t going to meet any new SOs before that. No need for them to get attached to someone and then lose them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Have you posted about this relationship before?

Who gives a f.... My least favorite posts are when people try to discern weather someone posted about same thing in another thread. Why would it matter either way. Read the thread your in or don’t.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I divorced 3 years ago and have dinner once a week with exDH and DD. Sometimes one of us cooks, sometimes we go out, but we make it a point to have a family meal. I do not invite my significant other as this is DDs time with her parents.

I would never date someone that doesn’t understand that while I’m divorced, this is my DDs family and her parents get along.

Yes, we’re also one of those families that still does holidays together.

+1000. It’s about the kids and their family. Those kids don’t want dad’s girlfriend interfering with their family time. It’s awkward and uncomfortable for them, and will make them feel like girlfriend is the priority.

I think often when childless people date parents, they think it’ll be one big, happy insta-family. The reality is the exact opposite - the kids want nothing to do with you, they’re always going to come first, and there will be tension and conflict. If you can’t handle it, don’t date people with kids.

IT makes you feel better to think this way. Your ex rejected you, and you want the kids to reject the new spouse as some sort of validation of you. That's not healthy that's not putting the kids first.

Not true. It matters the age. If you start dating someone with a 3, 4 or 5 year old, and your fun and silly you’ll win kids over pretty fast

[Anonymous]

Dinners 1-2x a month would not bother me. Being a secret from DCs after a year of dating would. I don’t have to necessarily meet DCs but they need to know their Dad is dating someone special.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m divorced, and I won’t introduce any partners to my kids until we’ve been dating 2 years and have a wedding date set. It’s nothing personal, I don’t want people in and out of my kids’ lives.

I do think family dinners 1-2x a month are ideal. I would do it, but my ex likes to pick fights.

When someone has kids, the kids will always come first. Always. It’s difficult to find a partner who understands that (I dated a guy recently who suggested I give up custody and only see my kids in the summer so I could move for his career. Uh.....)

Think very carefully if this is something you want to get into. You’ll always be second in his life and his kids will probably want nothing to do with you. If you can’t accept that, move on.

I think that’s too far the other way. Introducing your kids to a guy after you’ve got a wedding planned is nearly as bad as introducing him too early. There’s a middle ground and that plan misses it.

It works for me. I’m not going to have guys disappearing out of my kids’ lives. If they want to be integrated into the family, they can propose.

To clarify, I don’t mean springing it on kids a month before the wedding. But I need the commitment of a set date. That’ll give us a few months or a year for everyone to meet and see if it’ll work out.

And they can also unpropose if they meet your kids, and realize they’re hellspawn. There are no certainties in this world.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I divorced 3 years ago and have dinner once a week with exDH and DD. Sometimes one of us cooks, sometimes we go out, but we make it a point to have a family meal. I do not invite my significant other as this is DDs time with her parents.

I would never date someone that doesn’t understand that while I’m divorced, this is my DDs family and her parents get along.

Yes, we’re also one of those families that still does holidays together.

I think this is great.

Yeah no

I wouldn’t be ok with that

And I wouldn’t do that with my ex as I think it would confuse my DS and make him think his parents might get back together

I do not think it is confusing. I plan to do that with my ex once in awhile with kids forever. There is no romantic relationship. We can do the business of kids.

Since you still get along so well together, you should have stayed married to save your kids a lifetime of misery from your divorce. And yes, it will give your kids hope and let them continue the fantasies of having a real, intact family again.

No, it was a horrible marriage. Kids did not need to see that part. We are adults and can act like normal people in front of the kids. Staying married would have caused far more future emotional damage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m divorced, and I won’t introduce any partners to my kids until we’ve been dating 2 years and have a wedding date set. It’s nothing personal, I don’t want people in and out of my kids’ lives.

I do think family dinners 1-2x a month are ideal. I would do it, but my ex likes to pick fights.

When someone has kids, the kids will always come first. Always. It’s difficult to find a partner who understands that (I dated a guy recently who suggested I give up custody and only see my kids in the summer so I could move for his career. Uh.....)

Think very carefully if this is something you want to get into. You’ll always be second in his life and his kids will probably want nothing to do with you. If you can’t accept that, move on.

I think that’s too far the other way. Introducing your kids to a guy after you’ve got a wedding planned is nearly as bad as introducing him too early. There’s a middle ground and that plan misses it.

It works for me. I’m not going to have guys disappearing out of my kids’ lives. If they want to be integrated into the family, they can propose.

To clarify, I don’t mean springing it on kids a month before the wedding. But I need the commitment of a set date. That’ll give us a few months or a year for everyone to meet and see if it’ll work out.

Your priorities are effed up. Your children should be your number #1 priority but it’s clear that you are your top priority. If you were so concerned with who was in your children’s lives, then you’d let them have a relationship with your SO before your march down the aisle. To wait until a date is set means you really don’t care what they think, you just expect they need a few months to deal.

*shrug* if it takes longer than a few months, then we postpone getting married. Or if they don’t get along, we call it off. NBD. I’m not introducing the guy as “here’s your new stepdad!”

Either way, I need 2 years to make a decision if I want to marry someone- same as it was prekids- so my kids aren’t going to meet any new SOs before that. No need for them to get attached to someone and then lose them.

At least you admit to being selfish. It’s refreshing even though it’s harmful to your kids. Good luck with your plans.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Dating over a year.

The appearance of nothing in their lives changing.

That isn’t good for the kids.

It wouldn’t bother me for, say, a child’s birthday or a graduation or some other milestone. And if I were a couple of years in and attached, I would want to be included. But a run of the mill night? I would judge that since they aren’t helping their kids at all.