I’m really sad about who my son is

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Also PP are you local? Do you have a Reiki practitioner recommendation?

PP here - I am not local. But, if you'd like, I can do a couple of searches and see what pops up that feels in line with what might work. What location would I be searching?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You said he tells you why he smokes pot, what did he say?

Helps with physical pain, quiets his mind, helps with nightmares from a trauma he endured. It’s “fun”. Kid has had a lot. I worry about it because it’s grown in frequency I’m trying to figure out if I can really make peace with it and get him into a practitioner that is skilled in this area and have him get medical grade and help with strains etc. I’m fairly open minded but this also flies in the face of the evidence of brain impact particularly for lagging frontal lobe maturation in young men.

What’s causing his physical pain?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

mermaidkitchen wrote:Love him. Show him you love him. Ask him what he wants for his life. Help him reach those goals while holding your own boundaries (ie living in your home smoking weed is not a life goal that would work for you). At 17 he is pretty much in charge of his own destiny. At the same time, he may be "resting" before he is ready to launch into life. Give him some space to make these decisions. The weed use is almost definitely self medication for anxiety/depression and he may stuck in a weed rut. If you can talk to him calmly about his use and why he uses and how it may be affecting him, you might lay the groundwork for him to moderate his own behavior.

Thanks! I’m trying this approach, I really am. Think I’m just tired as been in the house together with few breaks per Covid since March!

Love is the way to go! OP - I could have written your post, in fact I had to look at the date it was written! Ha! Our oldest is extremely similar to yours, and turns 17 this summer. Out of complete and total frustration we sent him to military school a couple of years ago. It woke him up, no doubt, scared this shit of him, too, and then stressed him out to the max.

The thing I have always know about my son, that I think my husband wants to fix, is that he is very sensitive to all the good and negative energy around him (common for ADHD kids). Anyway, military school was depressing for him in a sense that I didn't anticpate -- he got stressed because other kids were more stressed than he was and he worried for them.

Long and short of it -- let him be him. The end. They are too smart to force them to do things they don't want to do and too sensitive. Real emotional harm happens when they are in situations that they are not comfortable with. Let him find his way with lots, and lots, of road blocks, and arrows pointing him in the right direction.

My son loves pot. It's something that I sometimes look the other way on because he does so well in school, and sometimes I don't. In the end, I have very open and honest conversations with him. His smart he gets it about pot -- he also know how it medicates him in a way that quiets his brain that Prozac never did. He hated prozac and frankly I didn't like the personality changes it brought on either.

Trust your son. Love him. Kids like ours really are very smart and talented. They just need extra TLC to get through it all. Things will be okay.

[Anonymous]

Tough love. Throw him out of the house at 18. His other choice is rehab.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

mermaidkitchen wrote:Love him. Show him you love him. Ask him what he wants for his life. Help him reach those goals while holding your own boundaries (ie living in your home smoking weed is not a life goal that would work for you). At 17 he is pretty much in charge of his own destiny. At the same time, he may be "resting" before he is ready to launch into life. Give him some space to make these decisions. The weed use is almost definitely self medication for anxiety/depression and he may stuck in a weed rut. If you can talk to him calmly about his use and why he uses and how it may be affecting him, you might lay the groundwork for him to moderate his own behavior.

Thanks! I’m trying this approach, I really am. Think I’m just tired as been in the house together with few breaks per Covid since March!

Love is the way to go! OP - I could have written your post, in fact I had to look at the date it was written! Ha! Our oldest is extremely similar to yours, and turns 17 this summer. Out of complete and total frustration we sent him to military school a couple of years ago. It woke him up, no doubt, scared this shit of him, too, and then stressed him out to the max.

The thing I have always know about my son, that I think my husband wants to fix, is that he is very sensitive to all the good and negative energy around him (common for ADHD kids). Anyway, military school was depressing for him in a sense that I didn't anticpate -- he got stressed because other kids were more stressed than he was and he worried for them.

Long and short of it -- let him be him. The end. They are too smart to force them to do things they don't want to do and too sensitive. Real emotional harm happens when they are in situations that they are not comfortable with. Let him find his way with lots, and lots, of road blocks, and arrows pointing him in the right direction.

My son loves pot. It's something that I sometimes look the other way on because he does so well in school, and sometimes I don't. In the end, I have very open and honest conversations with him. His smart he gets it about pot -- he also know how it medicates him in a way that quiets his brain that Prozac never did. He hated prozac and frankly I didn't like the personality changes it brought on either.

Trust your son. Love him. Kids like ours really are very smart and talented. They just need extra TLC to get through it all. Things will be okay.

PP do you expect your son to go to college or get a job and become financially independent? Is he working towards that?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t even know where to start. As parents, we were loving, involved, provided opportunities for an excellent education, sports, music, tutors etc. We are kind, well informed, healthy, parents. Pursued therapy and medication as appropriate. My daughter turned out great.

My son is now 17 and

Smokes marijuana regularly (those who haven’t dealt with this please don’t go into where do they get it, the money etc. they find a way)
Does bare minimum at school
Has a crappy attitude
Quit all his sports
Has a terrible temper (think holes in walls)
Doesn’t exercise
Vapes/smokes
Eats horribly
Isn’t very motivated
Is immature
Risk taker
Adhd - takes medicine during school day
Some learning disabilities, not major


I am at a loss and trying not to give up on him, but it’s been years of trying to get him good help, support, trying to enforce boundaries and the list goes on. I’m just tired and incredibly sad about this.

Hi OP. Just want to share an encouraging word. I could've written almost this exact post two years ago about my kid but add in two psychiatric hospitalizations to the list. Junior year was incredibly stressful. Therapy with a therapist my kid respected and liked was very, very important as was finding the right medication. You may want to look into DBT therapy as this helped with building coping skills. It took two years for us to get through it. Our psychiatrist took more of a harm reduction approach to the marijuana use. It faded away once my kid was able to build skills to address anxiety. We just focused on what our kid needed and and not the norms in our community. For example, high school was a major stress point for my kid so for senior year my kid only took the classes required to graduate and this resulted in less stress and the shut down due to COVID-19 was a blessing in disguise - a chance to reset.

My main message is don't give up!

I hope this poster is still reading. I’ve been considering this for my DC for same reasons and an awful stressful year. Did your DC go on to apply for college and how did that work out?

Yes off to college! DC had a great year sophomore year and very mixed junior year because of mental health issues. For us letting go of what our community believes is the "norm" is really, really important. Part of DC's issue was trying to meet a particular standard instead of just being and as parents we had to acknowledge our role in it. Reducing the class load and number of APs was wonderful - it did not hurt DC's college options one bit. I was also the one that posted to OP to live in the moment and don't talk about the future with DC - just focus on the present. This perspective helped us tremendously and helped DC identify talents and skills to succeed. Off to a great school on a full scholarship. Not gonna lie, DBT therapy and medication helped as well, would highly recommend DBT it makes sense for your situation.

[Anonymous]

Why do you care about the pot, JFC. You can't see the forest for the trees.

Get him a medical marijuana license and some help before he becomes someone's abusive boyfriend, husband, father.

You screwed him up somehow. Fix it. You're going one of those MILs. Gross.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You said he tells you why he smokes pot, what did he say?

Helps with physical pain, quiets his mind, helps with nightmares from a trauma he endured. It’s “fun”. Kid has had a lot. I worry about it because it’s grown in frequency I’m trying to figure out if I can really make peace with it and get him into a practitioner that is skilled in this area and have him get medical grade and help with strains etc. I’m fairly open minded but this also flies in the face of the evidence of brain impact particularly for lagging frontal lobe maturation in young men.

What’s causing his physical pain?

Yes and there is trauma?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Tough love. Throw him out of the house at 18. His other choice is rehab.

OP please don't throw him on the street when he needs you the most.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You said he tells you why he smokes pot, what did he say?

Helps with physical pain, quiets his mind, helps with nightmares from a trauma he endured. It’s “fun”. Kid has had a lot. I worry about it because it’s grown in frequency I’m trying to figure out if I can really make peace with it and get him into a practitioner that is skilled in this area and have him get medical grade and help with strains etc. I’m fairly open minded but this also flies in the face of the evidence of brain impact particularly for lagging frontal lobe maturation in young men.

What’s causing his physical pain?

A few things. But mainly some serious injuries/surgeries.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why do you care about the pot, JFC. You can't see the forest for the trees.

Get him a medical marijuana license and some help before he becomes someone's abusive boyfriend, husband, father.

You screwed him up somehow. Fix it. You're going one of those MILs. Gross.

What is wrong with you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You said he tells you why he smokes pot, what did he say?

Helps with physical pain, quiets his mind, helps with nightmares from a trauma he endured. It’s “fun”. Kid has had a lot. I worry about it because it’s grown in frequency I’m trying to figure out if I can really make peace with it and get him into a practitioner that is skilled in this area and have him get medical grade and help with strains etc. I’m fairly open minded but this also flies in the face of the evidence of brain impact particularly for lagging frontal lobe maturation in young men.

What’s causing his physical pain?

Yes and there is trauma?

He was in a terrible accident.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Tough love. Throw him out of the house at 18. His other choice is rehab.

OP please don't throw him on the street when he needs you the most.

Not my style but I want to make sure I don’t enable either

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t even know where to start. As parents, we were loving, involved, provided opportunities for an excellent education, sports, music, tutors etc. We are kind, well informed, healthy, parents. Pursued therapy and medication as appropriate. My daughter turned out great.

My son is now 17 and

Smokes marijuana regularly (those who haven’t dealt with this please don’t go into where do they get it, the money etc. they find a way)
Does bare minimum at school
Has a crappy attitude
Quit all his sports
Has a terrible temper (think holes in walls)
Doesn’t exercise
Vapes/smokes
Eats horribly
Isn’t very motivated
Is immature
Risk taker
Adhd - takes medicine during school day
Some learning disabilities, not major


I am at a loss and trying not to give up on him, but it’s been years of trying to get him good help, support, trying to enforce boundaries and the list goes on. I’m just tired and incredibly sad about this.

Hi OP. Just want to share an encouraging word. I could've written almost this exact post two years ago about my kid but add in two psychiatric hospitalizations to the list. Junior year was incredibly stressful. Therapy with a therapist my kid respected and liked was very, very important as was finding the right medication. You may want to look into DBT therapy as this helped with building coping skills. It took two years for us to get through it. Our psychiatrist took more of a harm reduction approach to the marijuana use. It faded away once my kid was able to build skills to address anxiety. We just focused on what our kid needed and and not the norms in our community. For example, high school was a major stress point for my kid so for senior year my kid only took the classes required to graduate and this resulted in less stress and the shut down due to COVID-19 was a blessing in disguise - a chance to reset.

My main message is don't give up!

I hope this poster is still reading. I’ve been considering this for my DC for same reasons and an awful stressful year. Did your DC go on to apply for college and how did that work out?

Yes off to college! DC had a great year sophomore year and very mixed junior year because of mental health issues. For us letting go of what our community believes is the "norm" is really, really important. Part of DC's issue was trying to meet a particular standard instead of just being and as parents we had to acknowledge our role in it. Reducing the class load and number of APs was wonderful - it did not hurt DC's college options one bit. I was also the one that posted to OP to live in the moment and don't talk about the future with DC - just focus on the present. This perspective helped us tremendously and helped DC identify talents and skills to succeed. Off to a great school on a full scholarship. Not gonna lie, DBT therapy and medication helped as well, would highly recommend DBT it makes sense for your situation.

That’s awesome! OP here. My son refuses DBT and you have to have buy in. I have been learning through my therapist, DBT skills. Very helpful.

[Anonymous]

PP do you mind sharing your son’s therapist’s name?