I’m really sad about who my son is

[Anonymous]

mermaidkitchen wrote:Love him. Show him you love him. Ask him what he wants for his life. Help him reach those goals while holding your own boundaries (ie living in your home smoking weed is not a life goal that would work for you). At 17 he is pretty much in charge of his own destiny. At the same time, he may be "resting" before he is ready to launch into life. Give him some space to make these decisions. The weed use is almost definitely self medication for anxiety/depression and he may stuck in a weed rut. If you can talk to him calmly about his use and why he uses and how it may be affecting him, you might lay the groundwork for him to moderate his own behavior.

Thanks! I’m trying this approach, I really am. Think I’m just tired as been in the house together with few breaks per Covid since March!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:ADHD drugs can lead to addictions. The kid is given amphetamines and is self medicating with pot. It's toxic, it's not his fault.

Stop spreading misinformation. Teens with uncontrolled adhd (often those not on medication) are more likely to take drugs.

OP, some of this may be related to his adhd, and each negative step results in the next. I would start with the doctor who is managing his adhd.

Parents should read the labels on the amphetamines for side affects and understand what they do to a growing brain. Most kids have no business popping study drugs it's the parents who are demanding amphetamines for kids for the purpose of a better GPA. Doctors know that if they don't prescribe the drugs, the parents will just go to another doctor who will.

OP here. I understand that view. We are in medicine. However, for my son, he never could understand why he didn’t do well in school, he is bright. Once we finally got him to take his non stimulant medication he did better and he said was able to concentrate for once. This helped his self esteem

OP, I am going to go out on a limb here - and I know I'll likely get dismissed by many for suggesting "new wave pseudo-science" but, whatever to those who want to judge.

I would find a reiki practitioner and get him regular sessions. Bonus points if the practitioner is also a coach. A person like this will help him heal any wounds that he is carrying, align his energy, and explore himself in a safe and caring space. And they will do so without needing to prescribe any drugs.

I know you say your family is in medicine - but, honestly, western, allopathic medicine is not always the answer...

Just my two cents, from the perspective of someone for whom therapy and drugs absolutely didn't work - but reiki did.

[Anonymous]

getting him physically active is key. Is he even remotely interested in working out? If so, hire him a trainer.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

mermaidkitchen wrote:Love him. Show him you love him. Ask him what he wants for his life. Help him reach those goals while holding your own boundaries (ie living in your home smoking weed is not a life goal that would work for you). At 17 he is pretty much in charge of his own destiny. At the same time, he may be "resting" before he is ready to launch into life. Give him some space to make these decisions. The weed use is almost definitely self medication for anxiety/depression and he may stuck in a weed rut. If you can talk to him calmly about his use and why he uses and how it may be affecting him, you might lay the groundwork for him to moderate his own behavior.

Thanks! I’m trying this approach, I really am. Think I’m just tired as been in the house together with few breaks per Covid since March!

OP, big hugs to you. I'm sure he has other qualities that you haven't listed that are positives. And it's really hard to see the forest through the trees sometimes. It's there, though.

[Anonymous]

Sometimes you can do everything and the only thing that works is time and experience.

But I agree with PPs that sound like his ADHD and depression are not well managed. DBT therapy might be a good fit for him, as far as learning other coping mechanisms and a new mindset. I also wonder if he needs an anti-depressent and whether his ADHD med is the right fit for him. My psychiatrist is sort of meh on the non-stimulant medications--the evidence on whether they help much with impulsivity is pretty mixed. It sounds like he still has significant issues with impulsivity. If you've exhausted all the meds, I might even look into some of the newer TENS and similar therapies.

[Anonymous]

PP here, someone upthread mentioned working with animals, which made me think of equine assited therapy, if you want to stay with a more traditinal psychotherapy route.

I don't know where you are, but just google equine assisted therapy + your location.

Here is an example that comes up in Maryland (Crownsville) - https://www.horsesthatheal.org/services/.

Seriously. Horses are amazingly attuned and cannot lie, and so can provide excellent mirrors for self reflection. Highly recommend.

[Anonymous]

You said he tells you why he smokes pot, what did he say?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Religious organizations. Temple. Church. Youth groups. Services. It is about learning values and ethics and giving back to the community and havaing a purpose.

And finding there an older male mentor. (I have the perfect person in my parish: former military, background in psychology and youth development. I am sure other places have resources like him as well!)

Isn’t his dad the older male mentor? What does his dad say about the boy?

This. Does DS spend time with his Dad? What does Dad say about the boy?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don’t even know where to start. As parents, we were loving, involved, provided opportunities for an excellent education, sports, music, tutors etc. We are kind, well informed, healthy, parents. Pursued therapy and medication as appropriate. My daughter turned out great.

My son is now 17 and

Smokes marijuana regularly (those who haven’t dealt with this please don’t go into where do they get it, the money etc. they find a way)
Does bare minimum at school
Has a crappy attitude
Quit all his sports
Has a terrible temper (think holes in walls)
Doesn’t exercise
Vapes/smokes
Eats horribly
Isn’t very motivated
Is immature
Risk taker
Adhd - takes medicine during school day
Some learning disabilities, not major


I am at a loss and trying not to give up on him, but it’s been years of trying to get him good help, support, trying to enforce boundaries and the list goes on. I’m just tired and incredibly sad about this.

If I had a teen that was not respectful to me or his father and was throwing holes in the wall I would take him around to talk to the recruiters. Even if he did not physically
qualify. The recruiters will spend some time talking to him and about his future. Even if he does not physically qualify for some reason they will spend time talking to him and talk about respect and discipline etc. There is no reason for a kid to be punching holes in the walls.

Start talking to him about his plans post high school. Does he plan on going directly to work? Trade school? Honestly he does not sound like a good candidate for college.

Is he currently working now? Has he paid to fix the holes in the wall? Has he replaced the wall board and repainted the walls?

I'd also consider military school. It does not sound like you are safe in the home.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You said he tells you why he smokes pot, what did he say?

Helps with physical pain, quiets his mind, helps with nightmares from a trauma he endured. It’s “fun”. Kid has had a lot. I worry about it because it’s grown in frequency I’m trying to figure out if I can really make peace with it and get him into a practitioner that is skilled in this area and have him get medical grade and help with strains etc. I’m fairly open minded but this also flies in the face of the evidence of brain impact particularly for lagging frontal lobe maturation in young men.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t even know where to start. As parents, we were loving, involved, provided opportunities for an excellent education, sports, music, tutors etc. We are kind, well informed, healthy, parents. Pursued therapy and medication as appropriate. My daughter turned out great.

My son is now 17 and

Smokes marijuana regularly (those who haven’t dealt with this please don’t go into where do they get it, the money etc. they find a way)
Does bare minimum at school
Has a crappy attitude
Quit all his sports
Has a terrible temper (think holes in walls)
Doesn’t exercise
Vapes/smokes
Eats horribly
Isn’t very motivated
Is immature
Risk taker
Adhd - takes medicine during school day
Some learning disabilities, not major


I am at a loss and trying not to give up on him, but it’s been years of trying to get him good help, support, trying to enforce boundaries and the list goes on. I’m just tired and incredibly sad about this.

If I had a teen that was not respectful to me or his father and was throwing holes in the wall I would take him around to talk to the recruiters. Even if he did not physically
qualify. The recruiters will spend some time talking to him and about his future. Even if he does not physically qualify for some reason they will spend time talking to him and talk about respect and discipline etc. There is no reason for a kid to be punching holes in the walls.

Start talking to him about his plans post high school. Does he plan on going directly to work? Trade school? Honestly he does not sound like a good candidate for college.

Is he currently working now? Has he paid to fix the holes in the wall? Has he replaced the wall board and repainted the walls?

I'd also consider military school. It does not sound like you are safe in the home.

I understand your view. Military school is not an option. He’s doing fine at a difficult school, B average. College may or may not be right next step. But I think he will go and graduate at some point. My main worry is moving into harder drugs. He did have to pay for wall repair.

[Anonymous]

Someone asked about friends. He had a great group in elementary school, all terrific boys doing very well. He moved schools and middle school was a disaster for myriad reasons.
Summer going into Freshman year he got in with the “popular crowd” (hate that term) who unfortunately, were and continue to move pretty “fast”. He cares a lot about these friendships though.

[Anonymous]

OP, you may want to look and see if any of SOAR's programs (camp or gap year) could be helpful to him. I am part of a group for moms of kids with ADHD, and many people have recommended it to me. We haven't tried it yet because my son is a tween and doesn't want to leave home for even a short period.


Do you have a link? I looked but appeared for people at risk of homelessness?

https://soarnc.org/

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:ADHD drugs can lead to addictions. The kid is given amphetamines and is self medicating with pot. It's toxic, it's not his fault.

Stop spreading misinformation. Teens with uncontrolled adhd (often those not on medication) are more likely to take drugs.

OP, some of this may be related to his adhd, and each negative step results in the next. I would start with the doctor who is managing his adhd.

Parents should read the labels on the amphetamines for side affects and understand what they do to a growing brain. Most kids have no business popping study drugs it's the parents who are demanding amphetamines for kids for the purpose of a better GPA. Doctors know that if they don't prescribe the drugs, the parents will just go to another doctor who will.

OP here. I understand that view. We are in medicine. However, for my son, he never could understand why he didn’t do well in school, he is bright. Once we finally got him to take his non stimulant medication he did better and he said was able to concentrate for once. This helped his self esteem

OP, I am going to go out on a limb here - and I know I'll likely get dismissed by many for suggesting "new wave pseudo-science" but, whatever to those who want to judge.

I would find a reiki practitioner and get him regular sessions. Bonus points if the practitioner is also a coach. A person like this will help him heal any wounds that he is carrying, align his energy, and explore himself in a safe and caring space. And they will do so without needing to prescribe any drugs.

I know you say your family is in medicine - but, honestly, western, allopathic medicine is not always the answer...

Just my two cents, from the perspective of someone for whom therapy and drugs absolutely didn't work - but reiki did.

Thank you. I have started to consider these lines

[Anonymous]

Also PP are you local? Do you have a Reiki practitioner recommendation?