I’m really sad about who my son is

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don’t even know where to start. As parents, we were loving, involved, provided opportunities for an excellent education, sports, music, tutors etc. We are kind, well informed, healthy, parents. Pursued therapy and medication as appropriate. My daughter turned out great.

My son is now 17 and

Smokes marijuana regularly (those who haven’t dealt with this please don’t go into where do they get it, the money etc. they find a way)
Does bare minimum at school
Has a crappy attitude
Quit all his sports
Has a terrible temper (think holes in walls)
Doesn’t exercise
Vapes/smokes
Eats horribly
Isn’t very motivated
Is immature
Risk taker
Adhd - takes medicine during school day
Some learning disabilities, not major


I am at a loss and trying not to give up on him, but it’s been years of trying to get him good help, support, trying to enforce boundaries and the list goes on. I’m just tired and incredibly sad about this.

Hugs OP. Because your son is presumably a junior or senior in hs, does he have any career or college interests for after hs? I know you said no military. What does he expect to do for the next 5 years? Does he understand that he will have to support himself someday?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:ADHD drugs can lead to addictions. The kid is given amphetamines and is self medicating with pot. It's toxic, it's not his fault.

Stop spreading misinformation. Teens with uncontrolled adhd (often those not on medication) are more likely to take drugs.

OP, some of this may be related to his adhd, and each negative step results in the next. I would start with the doctor who is managing his adhd.

Parents should read the labels on the amphetamines for side affects and understand what they do to a growing brain. Most kids have no business popping study drugs it's the parents who are demanding amphetamines for kids for the purpose of a better GPA. Doctors know that if they don't prescribe the drugs, the parents will just go to another doctor who will.

OP here. I understand that view. We are in medicine. However, for my son, he never could understand why he didn’t do well in school, he is bright. Once we finally got him to take his non stimulant medication he did better and he said was able to concentrate for once. This helped his self esteem

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is he aware of the comparison you make to his sister? I'm not blaming you, just challenging you to step back and see if perhaps you've signaled to him how disappointed you are in comparison.

This. But also consider that much of what disappoints you about your son is fairly normal teen stuff. You may have an exceptionally mature daughter, making the contrast more stark. Most 17 year olds aren't high motivated, healthy eaters with positive attitudes

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don’t even know where to start. As parents, we were loving, involved, provided opportunities for an excellent education, sports, music, tutors etc. We are kind, well informed, healthy, parents. Pursued therapy and medication as appropriate. My daughter turned out great.

My son is now 17 and

Smokes marijuana regularly (those who haven’t dealt with this please don’t go into where do they get it, the money etc. they find a way)
Does bare minimum at school
Has a crappy attitude
Quit all his sports
Has a terrible temper (think holes in walls)
Doesn’t exercise
Vapes/smokes
Eats horribly
Isn’t very motivated
Is immature
Risk taker
Adhd - takes medicine during school day
Some learning disabilities, not major


I am at a loss and trying not to give up on him, but it’s been years of trying to get him good help, support, trying to enforce boundaries and the list goes on. I’m just tired and incredibly sad about this.

Don’t give up while you still have parental control at his age. Later it will be infinitely more difficult for you to help.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t even know where to start. As parents, we were loving, involved, provided opportunities for an excellent education, sports, music, tutors etc. We are kind, well informed, healthy, parents. Pursued therapy and medication as appropriate. My daughter turned out great.

My son is now 17 and

Smokes marijuana regularly (those who haven’t dealt with this please don’t go into where do they get it, the money etc. they find a way)
Does bare minimum at school
Has a crappy attitude
Quit all his sports
Has a terrible temper (think holes in walls)
Doesn’t exercise
Vapes/smokes
Eats horribly
Isn’t very motivated
Is immature
Risk taker
Adhd - takes medicine during school day
Some learning disabilities, not major


I am at a loss and trying not to give up on him, but it’s been years of trying to get him good help, support, trying to enforce boundaries and the list goes on. I’m just tired and incredibly sad about this.

Military school? Not joking.

they don't take kids that smoke pot

[Anonymous]

Do you think he is frustrated with the challenges of academics due to the LD? I’ve seen kids get so stressed and hopeless re: grades that they turn to self-medicating.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Religious organizations. Temple. Church. Youth groups. Services. It is about learning values and ethics and giving back to the community and havaing a purpose.

Isn’t it a bit late for this? Op, any chance he was abused?

[Anonymous]

Hey OP. You sound like a great parent. Hang in there. I agree with others who think this sounds like a major depressive period, and that should be treated. I also agree that a part-time job, no matter how menial, and also a volunteer commitment -- maybe something with animals? -- could be great. For what it's worth, the guy I grew up with who was most like this was sort of lost for several years, eventually went to the Peace Corps and bummed around AFrica by 27, and now at 41 he's been back in the states for nearly 15 yrs and owns 1 million+ in rental properities, which grew out of his handyman stints, and he runs a tight ship. As a friend for so long, it's been inspiring and impressive to watch. Just wanted to share.

[Anonymous]

I would not use the military as a behavior modifier.

I suggest talking to his doctor and maybe finding a therapeutic program. I know that’s tough with someone who is almost an adult, but I think it’s better than the military, which isn’t a rehabilitation program; it’s an organization that seeks conformity so that people will follow orders to kill.

[Anonymous]

I was a mess when I was 17 and had undiagnosed ADHD/dyslexia.

Sadly the worst part of my life was living in stark contract to my perfect sibling. PERFECT!

Find stuff you like to do together... focus on that. Do stuff together, build a bond/relationship.

Once I was at college and away from my sibling it was much easier. I also found out I was very smart, just not in proximity to my sibling.

[Anonymous]

I know a kid who benefitted tremendously from this program. He came back a different person:

https://trailscarolina.com/b/summer-camps-for-troubled-teens/north-carolina/

[Anonymous]

I strongly suggest taking him to a new psychiatrist to re-evaluate his medications.
I'd not focus on the pot - I don't smoke personally, but this doesn't seem like the primary problem, and he may reduce it on his own when his medications are right.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:ADHD drugs can lead to addictions. The kid is given amphetamines and is self medicating with pot. It's toxic, it's not his fault.

Stop spreading misinformation. Teens with uncontrolled adhd (often those not on medication) are more likely to take drugs.

OP, some of this may be related to his adhd, and each negative step results in the next. I would start with the doctor who is managing his adhd.

Parents should read the labels on the amphetamines for side affects and understand what they do to a growing brain. Most kids have no business popping study drugs it's the parents who are demanding amphetamines for kids for the purpose of a better GPA. Doctors know that if they don't prescribe the drugs, the parents will just go to another doctor who will.

OP here. I understand that view. We are in medicine. However, for my son, he never could understand why he didn’t do well in school, he is bright. Once we finally got him to take his non stimulant medication he did better and he said was able to concentrate for once. This helped his self esteem

My brother was kind of like this though no drugs, but lots of drinking. He did terribly in moco public schools. My parents didn’t think the schools Taught well to kids with LD. Anyway, once he got to college and found something he liked, engineering, he got very involved in engineering clubs and did great in his engineering classes. He even went on to grad school. Don’t give up on your son. He’s only 17.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I was a mess when I was 17 and had undiagnosed ADHD/dyslexia.

Sadly the worst part of my life was living in stark contract to my perfect sibling. PERFECT!

Find stuff you like to do together... focus on that. Do stuff together, build a bond/relationship.

Once I was at college and away from my sibling it was much easier. I also found out I was very smart, just not in proximity to my sibling.

oh yea... and getting a job helped

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Religious organizations. Temple. Church. Youth groups. Services. It is about learning values and ethics and giving back to the community and havaing a purpose.

And finding there an older male mentor. (I have the perfect person in my parish: former military, background in psychology and youth development. I am sure other places have resources like him as well!)

Isn’t his dad the older male mentor? What does his dad say about the boy?