I’m really sad about who my son is

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Has demonstrated

Sigh...please read the thread. OP said her son is 17,
He has ADHD
He was in an accident from which he is still suffering from physical pain.

He completed PT following the accident. He was an athlete prior to accident and likely is struggling with multiple disappointments that would be hard to manage for anyone let alone a 17 year old who is diagnosed with a condition that is often identified by poor impulse control and delayed development of executive functions at a time of development (late adolescence) when hormones and emotional regulation are all over the place. Boys with ADHD often experience an extended adolescence further exacerbating the struggles with hormones and emotional regulation.

OP did not mention if the accident involved any kind of concussion or what area was injured or the extent of the injury (most likely to protect DV privacy), but all of these could exacerbate the situation.

My concern with regular marijuana use in young males (especially those whose pre frontal cortex are still developing) is the potential for triggering or exacerbating an underlying mental health condition. It seems to affect males more than females and young males with an existing diagnosis are exceptional vulnerable.

I think OP is trying her best, I did like the suggestion for EMDR especially if the trauma was a one time accident. Is he absolutely unable to return to any of his former sports or is it that he just cant play like he used to without pain? Does he have any other interests?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t even know where to start. As parents, we were loving, involved, provided opportunities for an excellent education, sports, music, tutors etc. We are kind, well informed, healthy, parents. Pursued therapy and medication as appropriate. My daughter turned out great.

My son is now 17 and

Smokes marijuana regularly (those who haven’t dealt with this please don’t go into where do they get it, the money etc. they find a way)
Does bare minimum at school
Has a crappy attitude
Quit all his sports
Has a terrible temper (think holes in walls)
Doesn’t exercise
Vapes/smokes
Eats horribly
Isn’t very motivated
Is immature
Risk taker
Adhd - takes medicine during school day
Some learning disabilities, not major


I am at a loss and trying not to give up on him, but it’s been years of trying to get him good help, support, trying to enforce boundaries and the list goes on. I’m just tired and incredibly sad about this.

Hi OP. Just want to share an encouraging word. I could've written almost this exact post two years ago about my kid but add in two psychiatric hospitalizations to the list. Junior year was incredibly stressful. Therapy with a therapist my kid respected and liked was very, very important as was finding the right medication. You may want to look into DBT therapy as this helped with building coping skills. It took two years for us to get through it. Our psychiatrist took more of a harm reduction approach to the marijuana use. It faded away once my kid was able to build skills to address anxiety. We just focused on what our kid needed and and not the norms in our community. For example, high school was a major stress point for my kid so for senior year my kid only took the classes required to graduate and this resulted in less stress and the shut down due to COVID-19 was a blessing in disguise - a chance to reset.

My main message is don't give up!

I hope this poster is still reading. I’ve been considering this for my DC for same reasons and an awful stressful year. Did your DC go on to apply for college and how did that work out?

Yes off to college! DC had a great year sophomore year and very mixed junior year because of mental health issues. For us letting go of what our community believes is the "norm" is really, really important. Part of DC's issue was trying to meet a particular standard instead of just being and as parents we had to acknowledge our role in it. Reducing the class load and number of APs was wonderful - it did not hurt DC's college options one bit. I was also the one that posted to OP to live in the moment and don't talk about the future with DC - just focus on the present. This perspective helped us tremendously and helped DC identify talents and skills to succeed. Off to a great school on a full scholarship. Not gonna lie, DBT therapy and medication helped as well, would highly recommend DBT it makes sense for your situation.

Thank you for posting again! I’ve been looking closely at what mine needs to finish and literally DC needs like English and government and that’s it. But everyone around says if you don’t take the full load, colleges will look poorly on it. If you don’t mind, can you say what load your son took? And did you start out with everything and then drop back at some point in the year? Thinking that might be our route at this stage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We’re you strict? Maybe you should have been. This new fluffy parenting doesn’t work but you did the best you could and it’s not your fault. I’m so sorry and hope things will improve over time.

Wow you say “maybe you should have been stricter” in the first sentence and then “it’s not your fault” in the next sentence. Which is it?

It’s not her fault because nowadays you’re pretty much taught how to raise kids without a lot of discipline and making kids the center of the universe. It makes kids grow up entitled and it’s not OP’s fault for doing what the books and ‘experts’ taught.

I’m sure your kids are perfect.

[Anonymous]

Idk if you’re still reading this thread OP, but in case you are, know that it can get better. When I was your son’s age I did all the same things you described. I also got into somewhat harder drugs for a while (acid and ecstasy mostly) and got arrested twice. I know it was really hard for my parents and I’m sure I seemed like a lost cause. I eventually went to a state college just to get away from my home town; I know my parents were terrified my first year that I would just go off the deep end. But I did the opposite. I enjoyed school and started excelling. I realized I’d have more options and more freedom if I did stuff like get good internships, etc. I went to an Ivy League law school and my life’s honestly been pretty charmed ever since. Lovely marriage, two kids, nice house, good relationship with my parents.

So yeah, it took several rough years in my case but I it got a lot better. I’m regret the years I must have taken off my parents life when I was 14-19 though.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don’t even know where to start. As parents, we were loving, involved, provided opportunities for an excellent education, sports, music, tutors etc. We are kind, well informed, healthy, parents. Pursued therapy and medication as appropriate. My daughter turned out great.

My son is now 17 and

Smokes marijuana regularly (those who haven’t dealt with this please don’t go into where do they get it, the money etc. they find a way)
Does bare minimum at school
Has a crappy attitude
Quit all his sports
Has a terrible temper (think holes in walls)
Doesn’t exercise
Vapes/smokes
Eats horribly
Isn’t very motivated
Is immature
Risk taker
Adhd - takes medicine during school day
Some learning disabilities, not major


Sounds like my brother. He had a lot of anger and got in with a bad crowd. Good news is he outgrew this and now has several degrees and is long married with kids. I think there was too much comparison to me who didn’t get in trouble. Under the anger he was sad. He did not feel loved. What helped? He went to college far and that was good because he needed some space. Parents would visit and get excited for all his college stuff. He met a nice girl and wanted to be better. Just love him and when you can’t, try harder because somewhere he is hurting. Don’t give up




I am at a loss and trying not to give up on him, but it’s been years of trying to get him good help, support, trying to enforce boundaries and the list goes on. I’m just tired and incredibly sad about this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:ADHD drugs can lead to addictions. The kid is given amphetamines and is self medicating with pot. It's toxic, it's not his fault.

Stop spreading misinformation. Teens with uncontrolled adhd (often those not on medication) are more likely to take drugs.

OP, some of this may be related to his adhd, and each negative step results in the next. I would start with the doctor who is managing his adhd.

Parents should read the labels on the amphetamines for side affects and understand what they do to a growing brain. Most kids have no business popping study drugs it's the parents who are demanding amphetamines for kids for the purpose of a better GPA. Doctors know that if they don't prescribe the drugs, the parents will just go to another doctor who will.

This is a wildly ignorant post. You really should be ashamed of yourself.

Stimulant medication for ADHD in kids is one of the most studied clinical uses of prescription drugs in history. Outcomes for kids with ADHD who are medicated are massively better than for kids who are not. I can't really stress enough how ignorant and completely wrong PP is.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Take him to talk to the military recruiters. Army. Navy. Air Force. Marines.

Yes, this is really who we want in our military? HAve you learned nothing about the role of the military/police in #BLM.

Better get him therapy, volunteer work if wants to stay in your home with youth groups or disadvantaged populations, love him unconditionally but set firm boundaries for behavior.

The military is the ticket out for a lot of African Americans coming from the rural south. The military offers skills training and also money for college that many youth do
not available to them in their small towns.

My prior comment was deleted. I agree with you on the above. I’m AA and from a military family and I married a veteran. DH fit your above description exactly when he was 18. My DD is planning a career in the military. They will not want OP’s son due to his ADHD. He probably also has anxiety or depression he’s self-medicating with pot. In the years since 9/11, I have known many young men who left for basic and didn’t finish due to ADHD and mental illness. It is very embarrassing for them to return home and have to answer questions. The military doesn’t want to fix recruits. I guess I’ll be deleted again.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We’re you strict? Maybe you should have been. This new fluffy parenting doesn’t work but you did the best you could and it’s not your fault. I’m so sorry and hope things will improve over time.

Wow you say “maybe you should have been stricter” in the first sentence and then “it’s not your fault” in the next sentence. Which is it?

It’s not her fault because nowadays you’re pretty much taught how to raise kids without a lot of discipline and making kids the center of the universe. It makes kids grow up entitled and it’s not OP’s fault for doing what the books and ‘experts’ taught.

You seem like someone who has never read a parenting book. Without exception, the books I've read about parenting teens have said to act like an adult and treat your teen like a teen -- i.e. recognize that it's their job to test boundaries and try to provoke arguments when things aren't going their way. As parents, it's out job to enforce boundaries and not get drawn into explaining or arguing. All this can be done with compassion and with a lot of listening instead of talking, but at the end of the it's parents' to set boundaries and that's actually what kids need and crave. That's what the experts say.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Take him to talk to the military recruiters. Army. Navy. Air Force. Marines.

Yes, this is really who we want in our military? HAve you learned nothing about the role of the military/police in #BLM.

Better get him therapy, volunteer work if wants to stay in your home with youth groups or disadvantaged populations, love him unconditionally but set firm boundaries for behavior.

The military is the ticket out for a lot of African Americans coming from the rural south. The military offers skills training and also money for college that many youth do
not available to them in their small towns.

My prior comment was deleted. I agree with you on the above. I’m AA and from a military family and I married a veteran. DH fit your above description exactly when he was 18. My DD is planning a career in the military. They will not want OP’s son due to his ADHD. He probably also has anxiety or depression he’s self-medicating with pot. In the years since 9/11, I have known many young men who left for basic and didn’t finish due to ADHD and mental illness. It is very embarrassing for them to return home and have to answer questions. The military doesn’t want to fix recruits. I guess I’ll be deleted again.

Yeah, the folks who think the military is some kind of social worker really trip me out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:A side affect of ADHD drugs is depression. Kids his age can buy pot easier than they can buy booze. It may not be his drug of choice but only choice.

A side effect of ADHD is depression.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would think to yourself why you typed "Im really sad about who my son is" instead of "I'm really sad that my son has been through an accident and now"

It’s a fair point. Some of this stuff pre dates the accident. However, point taken. I’m frustrated with his choices right now, it’s exhausting being him I’m sure and it’s some times exhausting to parent him. I realize that’s what we sign up for. I hear the posters who point out may be more understanding and empathy is needed. I feel like that’s been my approach by in large but, if I’m honest, I’m just really scared for him and I don’t know what more I can do to help him. Thank you for the many ideas that were offered.

OP, my DS is 13 and has a different laundry list of challenges than yours, but I have a close friend whose wise council I value who has an older son, mid-20s who shares a lot with me. The thing she's shared that has affected me the most is how she's adjusted her expectations to value his successes rather than to measuring him against our DC high-achiever yardstick. At the end of the day, what we all really want is for our kids to be happy, productive members of society, right? Some kids, especially boys, take a route that doesn't include the high-achiever colleges, etc.

Don't undersell how severely ADHD, LDs, and chronic pain can affect a young man who's trying to gain independence. I think PPs who've suggested various forms of therapy are on point. Our experience has been that it's worth switching therapists until you find the one who clicks with your DC. Ours is a male LPC (licensed professional counselor) who practices in a NoVA exurb, but we went through several LCSW and psychologists before we found him.

[Anonymous]

I think I’m just getting nervous that time is running out and should we be doing something “bigger” to help him, like a wilderness program or similar.

You are right. Time is running out. At 18, everything is in his control and options are entirely different. This is one of the many reasons I sent my son to a wilderness program. It was life changing. There are still issues but so much turned around.

[Anonymous]

To the person that posted in off topic about addiction- thank you!! Really interesting . I ordered one of the referenced books.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:ADHD drugs can lead to addictions. The kid is given amphetamines and is self medicating with pot. It's toxic, it's not his fault.

Stop spreading misinformation. Teens with uncontrolled adhd (often those not on medication) are more likely to take drugs.

OP, some of this may be related to his adhd, and each negative step results in the next. I would start with the doctor who is managing his adhd.

Parents should read the labels on the amphetamines for side affects and understand what they do to a growing brain. Most kids have no business popping study drugs it's the parents who are demanding amphetamines for kids for the purpose of a better GPA. Doctors know that if they don't prescribe the drugs, the parents will just go to another doctor who will.

This is a wildly ignorant post. You really should be ashamed of yourself.

Stimulant medication for ADHD in kids is one of the most studied clinical uses of prescription drugs in history. Outcomes for kids with ADHD who are medicated are massively better than for kids who are not. I can't really stress enough how ignorant and completely wrong PP is.

+1

PP does her child/ren no favors.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Idk if you’re still reading this thread OP, but in case you are, know that it can get better. When I was your son’s age I did all the same things you described. I also got into somewhat harder drugs for a while (acid and ecstasy mostly) and got arrested twice. I know it was really hard for my parents and I’m sure I seemed like a lost cause. I eventually went to a state college just to get away from my home town; I know my parents were terrified my first year that I would just go off the deep end. But I did the opposite. I enjoyed school and started excelling. I realized I’d have more options and more freedom if I did stuff like get good internships, etc. I went to an Ivy League law school and my life’s honestly been pretty charmed ever since. Lovely marriage, two kids, nice house, good relationship with my parents.

So yeah, it took several rough years in my case but I it got a lot better. I’m regret the years I must have taken off my parents life when I was 14-19 though.

Not OP but thank you for posting this. I'm so happy for you and your family.

-A mom who is losing a lot of years right now