I’m really sad about who my son is

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What are the things you like about your son?

He has varied interests
He can be passionate
He shares my political views
He cares about racism and confronts his very privileged white friends often

[Anonymous]

If he is addicted to Pot then Al Anon would be for you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Take him to talk to the military recruiters. Army. Navy. Air Force. Marines.

He has a medical condition that prevents service

ADHD is one. As is anxiety.

[Anonymous]

Military style discipline won't cure depression.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Religious organizations. Temple. Church. Youth groups. Services. It is about learning values and ethics and giving back to the community and havaing a purpose.

Agree how would you force this at 17?

[Anonymous]

OP your son was the type of guy I hung around with/dated in high school. Out of all of them that I am still in contact with 75% went on to have really nice lives. Not all of them went to college, some of them went at a later date. Others have successful HVAC businesses, tattoo artists, one started law school in his early thirties.
One of my brother-in-laws sounds a lot like your son and his parent's obvious disapproval and disappointment is felt throughout the family. I would suggest some individual or family counseling to work on that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:ADHD drugs can lead to addictions. The kid is given amphetamines and is self medicating with pot. It's toxic, it's not his fault.

Stop spreading misinformation. Teens with uncontrolled adhd (often those not on medication) are more likely to take drugs.

OP, some of this may be related to his adhd, and each negative step results in the next. I would start with the doctor who is managing his adhd.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What are the things you like about your son?

He has varied interests
He can be passionate
He shares my political views
He cares about racism and confronts his very privileged white friends often

Those are great qualities. Does he work? It sounds like he would be a good candidate for a political canvassing position.

[Anonymous]

I'm so sorry, OP.

My son has severe ADHD and needs medication but he's a rule-follower and very anti-recreational drugs.

It's the ADHD that leads people to self-medicate, NOT the medication!!! If anything, it means his medication may need a dose adjustment.

You are a good parent. I wish your son the best.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t even know where to start. As parents, we were loving, involved, provided opportunities for an excellent education, sports, music, tutors etc. We are kind, well informed, healthy, parents. Pursued therapy and medication as appropriate. My daughter turned out great.

My son is now 17 and

Smokes marijuana regularly (those who haven’t dealt with this please don’t go into where do they get it, the money etc. they find a way)
Does bare minimum at school
Has a crappy attitude
Quit all his sports
Has a terrible temper (think holes in walls)
Doesn’t exercise
Vapes/smokes
Eats horribly
Isn’t very motivated
Is immature
Risk taker
Adhd - takes medicine during school day
Some learning disabilities, not major


I am at a loss and trying not to give up on him, but it’s been years of trying to get him good help, support, trying to enforce boundaries and the list goes on. I’m just tired and incredibly sad about this.

Military school? Not joking.

No. I know someone who tried this and military lead to attempted suicide. Turned out to be a far more severe psychological problem than had been diagnosed. OP, this is the age when the more sever psychological problems begin to emerge. Just because you had therapies in the past doesn't mean his situation might not change. Schizoaffective personality disorder, for example, can be masked for a really long time by a bright kid. Bipolar can look like other things. And so on. Keep up with a psychiatrist. The pot can also be a cause of his behavior, or he might be using it to mask something else entirely.

[Anonymous]

OP, I am a man, and when I was 17, I had some of your son’s issues. No ADHD, pot or smoking but yes to:

Does bare minimum at school
Has a crappy attitude
Quit all his sports
Has a terrible temper (think holes in walls)
Doesn’t exercise Eats horribly
Isn’t very motivated
Is immature
Risk taker

In retrospect, I think I had depression and anxiety.

I got into college and then flunked out. Lived at home for a while... and then around age 22, pulled myself together, finished college, went to grad school, and now have a great job.

My mom was surprisingly patient. She didn’t give up on me. Age 18-25 is a tough period, but stay strong and keep your hopes up!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:ADHD drugs can lead to addictions. The kid is given amphetamines and is self medicating with pot. It's toxic, it's not his fault.

Stop spreading misinformation. Teens with uncontrolled adhd (often those not on medication) are more likely to take drugs.

OP, some of this may be related to his adhd, and each negative step results in the next. I would start with the doctor who is managing his adhd.

Parents should read the labels on the amphetamines for side affects and understand what they do to a growing brain. Most kids have no business popping study drugs it's the parents who are demanding amphetamines for kids for the purpose of a better GPA. Doctors know that if they don't prescribe the drugs, the parents will just go to another doctor who will.

[Anonymous]

Is he aware of the comparison you make to his sister? I'm not blaming you, just challenging you to step back and see if perhaps you've signaled to him how disappointed you are in comparison.

[Anonymous]

It's great that he is compassionate and engaged in bettering the world. I think that's a wonderful avenue to help him explore. I think volunteering with the upcoming Presidential election could be very motivating and inspiring for him. I started in college, and my sister was his age, and it has had a dramatic, positive effect on our lives.

Also just taking him to a food bank (I know this is not the ideal time) could help him put his life and all he is taking for gratitude into perspective and build his self worth. It's hard to focus on what's not going well in your life when you see so many struggling just to meet a basic need.

I think going to a family counselor and then a counselor just for him could really help. It sounds like you have raised a wonderful human being. There are just things affecting his ability to be his best self. He can still have a great productive life. There's nothing like a good transformation story to endear you to schools and employers.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Religious organizations. Temple. Church. Youth groups. Services. It is about learning values and ethics and giving back to the community and havaing a purpose.

And finding there an older male mentor. (I have the perfect person in my parish: former military, background in psychology and youth development. I am sure other places have resources like him as well!)