Wife refusing to pitch in with help with aging mother

[Anonymous]

What’s your sister’s husband doing to “pitch in?”

Whatever that contribution is, you should ask your wife to do 10% at most. (And she doesn’t owe your family even that much.) Anything more is asinine.

[Anonymous]

What's your most expensive hobbies, OP? Golf, travel, expensive car, etc?

If you gave that (or more than one) up completely to put that money toward paying for caregiving in a net neutral way for your own nuclear family, would your wife be okay with that?

Your dad may not be able to cover 100% of the $2000, but could he cover half? That's 10 of the 20 business days a month. Your sister and her partner could cover 5 others (either by hiring someone, or doing it themselves), and you could give up a pleasure in order to cover the remaining 5 and not make this a painful point for your wife.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What exactly are you proposing OP? Are you going to be the one checking on your mother or does that fall to your wife? Will whatever you propose alter the evening routine for your wife?

+1 The fact that he keeps using "we" blur the fact that he's asking her to do this is sketchy, and that he would even start this thread scapegoating his wife when it's his sister at fault is worse yet. Add in the way OP refuses to answer any question about his sister's spouse and there's nothing to say but #teamwife.

That's not what he has said. He said she won't agree to pay for extra childcare so he could do it.

Op here

This is correct. My wife does not want to pay our sitter an extra $40/day (we pay her $20/hr for after school care) so that I can spend 2-3 hours with my mom in the afternoon.

Im off at 3, but my parents live 1 hour from my work. I would get home around 5PM, my wife gets home at 6. Normally we had a sitter pick our kids up from school and watch them until I got home at 3:30. But we would now need them to watch the kids from 7-5:30. My parents live 1 hour from my house.

My wife does not like my sister in general. She is married to an alcoholic and his behavior at holidays has been terrible. He is completely useless and can’t be trusted to watch his mother in law. My sister has spent many nights at our house with her kids, saying she’s going to leave him but she never does. I think my wife kind of lost it after she helped my sister get set up with counselling and a plan to leave and she never followed through:

My wife is a social worker and is vehemently opposed to the idea in general.

$40/day is a lot of money! Are you so well off that it wouldn't be a big sacrifice for you? Can you sister help pay for that added expense?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What exactly are you proposing OP? Are you going to be the one checking on your mother or does that fall to your wife? Will whatever you propose alter the evening routine for your wife?

+1 The fact that he keeps using "we" blur the fact that he's asking her to do this is sketchy, and that he would even start this thread scapegoating his wife when it's his sister at fault is worse yet. Add in the way OP refuses to answer any question about his sister's spouse and there's nothing to say but #teamwife.

That's not what he has said. He said she won't agree to pay for extra childcare so he could do it.

Op here

This is correct. My wife does not want to pay our sitter an extra $40/day (we pay her $20/hr for after school care) so that I can spend 2-3 hours with my mom in the afternoon.

Im off at 3, but my parents live 1 hour from my work. I would get home around 5PM, my wife gets home at 6. Normally we had a sitter pick our kids up from school and watch them until I got home at 3:30. But we would now need them to watch the kids from 7-5:30. My parents live 1 hour from my house.

My wife does not like my sister in general. She is married to an alcoholic and his behavior at holidays has been terrible. He is completely useless and can’t be trusted to watch his mother in law. My sister has spent many nights at our house with her kids, saying she’s going to leave him but she never does. I think my wife kind of lost it after she helped my sister get set up with counselling and a plan to leave and she never followed through:

My wife is a social worker and is vehemently opposed to the idea in general.

I suspect this isn't the first time you're asking your wife to suck it up because you don't want to handle your family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm still waiting to find out if the sister's husband's expected to help.

Yeah, something's fishy about the silencd

OP is expecting his wife to help because she's a woman and women are expected to be caregivers so OP can't understand why his wife wouldn't want to take on what he thinks her natural role should be.

[Anonymous]

I don’t get this. If your dad gets off at 4 and home at 4:30, what does he need someone to do at 4?? What a waste to drive there an hour each way for such little time.

Make sure you install cameras on your mom.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your sister absolutely needs to take care of this. Her checking out is not an option in any way. Frankly, I'd tell her to get her A$$ in gear in reparation for all the work your mother provided to her (assuming your mother was not financially compensated by your sister) or she can forget about having any kind of relationship with you and your family going forward.

I don't understand this at all. OP, you need to deal with this, not your wife. At all. Grow a set.

If I one day have the ability to watch my precious grandchildren, I would be doing that because I wanted to NOT because I expected my DIL to provide free eldercare for me when I'm old.

If you think that playing Go Fish with a 4 year old is the same thing as providing eldercare then you have done neither and you don't know any better.

I know you think this cutesy phrasing makes it better, but you're essentially reinforcing the message OP's mom sent to his wife at the time - SIL's kids were her precious grandchildren, OP and his wife's kids were not.

You can not punish the SIL for something that she did not do. SIL is not the one who showed favoritism.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your sister absolutely needs to take care of this. Her checking out is not an option in any way. Frankly, I'd tell her to get her A$$ in gear in reparation for all the work your mother provided to her (assuming your mother was not financially compensated by your sister) or she can forget about having any kind of relationship with you and your family going forward.

I don't understand this at all. OP, you need to deal with this, not your wife. At all. Grow a set.

If I one day have the ability to watch my precious grandchildren, I would be doing that because I wanted to NOT because I expected my DIL to provide free eldercare for me when I'm old.

If you think that playing Go Fish with a 4 year old is the same thing as providing eldercare then you have done neither and you don't know any better.

I know you think this cutesy phrasing makes it better, but you're essentially reinforcing the message OP's mom sent to his wife at the time - SIL's kids were her precious grandchildren, OP and his wife's kids were not.

You can not punish the SIL for something that she did not do. SIL is not the one who showed favoritism.

NP here-I don't see it as punishing SIL, but rather SIL had the benefit of not paying for child care and now that MIL needs help, she can off-set the costs of that help since she saved child care money earlier on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m with your wife on this, too. This is not for her to solve.

I agree. Time for your sister to get her poop in a group and step up.

Your parents could look after her kids, but your sister can't figure this out?

I'm with your wife on this one.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What exactly are you proposing OP? Are you going to be the one checking on your mother or does that fall to your wife? Will whatever you propose alter the evening routine for your wife?

+1 The fact that he keeps using "we" blur the fact that he's asking her to do this is sketchy, and that he would even start this thread scapegoating his wife when it's his sister at fault is worse yet. Add in the way OP refuses to answer any question about his sister's spouse and there's nothing to say but #teamwife.

That's not what he has said. He said she won't agree to pay for extra childcare so he could do it.

Op here

This is correct. My wife does not want to pay our sitter an extra $40/day (we pay her $20/hr for after school care) so that I can spend 2-3 hours with my mom in the afternoon.

Im off at 3, but my parents live 1 hour from my work. I would get home around 5PM, my wife gets home at 6. Normally we had a sitter pick our kids up from school and watch them until I got home at 3:30. But we would now need them to watch the kids from 7-5:30. My parents live 1 hour from my house.

My wife does not like my sister in general. She is married to an alcoholic and his behavior at holidays has been terrible. He is completely useless and can’t be trusted to watch his mother in law. My sister has spent many nights at our house with her kids, saying she’s going to leave him but she never does. I think my wife kind of lost it after she helped my sister get set up with counselling and a plan to leave and she never followed through:

My wife is a social worker and is vehemently opposed to the idea in general.

I'm with your wife. Seems like your family likes to take, and not to give. So your wife has dealt with your sister's domestic drama (many nights at your house, plus getting sis a plan to leave), and in return no one has lifted a finger to help her and her kids ? And now they are asking her and her kids to make more sacrifices for a period of two years? Hmm, I don't understand why she's not feeling particularly generous.

[Anonymous]

The crux of the problem for OP is that sister is worthless. She is married to an alcoholic and won't leave him. She can't be counted on, and clearly her mother stepped in back in the day to help a daughter who wouldn't help herself.

Dad can't afford to pay for help for his wife. Period.

OP, you really have to have a heart to heart with your dad and sister. This truly is only going to get worse. Your mom is going to need more and more help in the next two years. And after that, it is going to be really hard on your dad.

I am in the same situation. People can talk about what is fair all they want, but parents and siblings will just do what they want and justify it in their heads.

If you, your sister and your dad don't come up with a plan now, MORE and MORE of this is going to fall on you as things progress because you won't stand up to them now.

There was a thread a while back that was interesting talking about how the elderly stair step into needing more and more help, so don't realize the amount of help they come to EXPECT. "It's isn't that big of a deal to add an hour on Thursday" not taking into consideration that the helper has already added Monday and Friday--as an example.

Deal with this now, OP, or you are going to be much more emotionally torn and in a more difficult place with your DW.

No question, you and your DW will have to make some sacrifices here, but your sister and your dad need to make some as well that appear equal to your DW for her to agree. And I don't blame her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your wife most certainly should help. If she won’t DO NOT SHARE your inheritance check with her. It’s only fair. Parents should NOT leave money to those that won’t help them. Period.

The dad is still alive, so there won't be an inheritance. And also, inheritance is not joint property.

It is when you share it. I shared with DH.

[Anonymous]

OP, if your dad is insistent on getting help and your mother is in decline, and he wants to get help but keep working, then he needs to downsize and move closer to you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don’t get this. If your dad gets off at 4 and home at 4:30, what does he need someone to do at 4?? What a waste to drive there an hour each way for such little time.

Make sure you install cameras on your mom.

I don't get it either.

[Anonymous]

Team wife

Dad needs to retire and not be pension greedy.