Wife refusing to pitch in with help with aging mother

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your sister absolutely needs to take care of this. Her checking out is not an option in any way. Frankly, I'd tell her to get her A$$ in gear in reparation for all the work your mother provided to her (assuming your mother was not financially compensated by your sister) or she can forget about having any kind of relationship with you and your family going forward.

I don't understand this at all. OP, you need to deal with this, not your wife. At all. Grow a set.

If I one day have the ability to watch my precious grandchildren, I would be doing that because I wanted to NOT because I expected my DIL to provide free eldercare for me when I'm old.

If you think that playing Go Fish with a 4 year old is the same thing as providing eldercare then you have done neither and you don't know any better.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:That makes me really sad that your kids would spend an hour or two more in daycare daily just because they won't figure out a better solution for YOUR mom. Your kids and your wife are getting the short straw here.

Yup. F no. Your kids come before your mom in this situation. Are you kidding me? Your sister's kids never did daycare because of your mom, and now your kids are going to go into daycare so your wife (who never received any help) can take care of your mom? You have to be a troll.

Yup, this. Your kids come first, OP. I'm glad your wife has put her foot down. It sounds like you're used to bending for your sister and parents and putting your immediate family second at their expense.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What exactly are you proposing OP? Are you going to be the one checking on your mother or does that fall to your wife? Will whatever you propose alter the evening routine for your wife?

+1 The fact that he keeps using "we" blur the fact that he's asking her to do this is sketchy, and that he would even start this thread scapegoating his wife when it's his sister at fault is worse yet. Add in the way OP refuses to answer any question about his sister's spouse and there's nothing to say but #teamwife.

That's not what he has said. He said she won't agree to pay for extra childcare so he could do it.

He said "we" would have to change our hours and "we" would have to pay for more childcare coverage and she won't agree to cover it. When asked, repeatedly, to explain what exactly he is proposing -- if he's the one checking on his mom, why would she need to change her hours? If she doesn't need to change her hours, why would childcare coverage need to change? -- he has disappeared from the thread.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:At this point, I think asking a neighbor and pay a small fee is the best bet. Your mom would know the person and it would be more feasible than any alternative.

Regarding your wife, you said your family has not extended even a finger during some really difficult times, so I understand her anger. Personally, I'd ask your dad to come down hard on your sister. She's really acting disgracefully.

Oh, I'd say OP's family extended a finger to the wife. The middle finger. I think what you mean is they haven't lifted a finger to help her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your sister absolutely needs to take care of this. Her checking out is not an option in any way. Frankly, I'd tell her to get her A$$ in gear in reparation for all the work your mother provided to her (assuming your mother was not financially compensated by your sister) or she can forget about having any kind of relationship with you and your family going forward.

I don't understand this at all. OP, you need to deal with this, not your wife. At all. Grow a set.

If I one day have the ability to watch my precious grandchildren, I would be doing that because I wanted to NOT because I expected my DIL to provide free eldercare for me when I'm old.

If you think that playing Go Fish with a 4 year old is the same thing as providing eldercare then you have done neither and you don't know any better.

I know you think this cutesy phrasing makes it better, but you're essentially reinforcing the message OP's mom sent to his wife at the time - SIL's kids were her precious grandchildren, OP and his wife's kids were not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm still waiting to find out if the sister's husband's expected to help.

Yeah, something's fishy about the silencd

[Anonymous]

First it is insane to expect or assume that your wife will take on eldercare for your mother. Its doubly insane to them diminish what this entails by calling it pitching in. Eldercare is draining even in small amounts. Sunsetting people are very difficult to deal with and if you aren't a nurse aiding with bodily functions for a person that is non compliant can be very hard.

Second your sister has told you that she can MAYBE do 1 or 2 days. This is going to end up with your sister doing 1 day at most. A nanny or daycare is going to want a set schedule not last minute notice when your sister decides she is only doing 1 day and can't make day 2. Your jobs will also suffer if you are constantly changing your schedule so you would need to plan on doing 4 days. This is crazy unfair that your sister gets to decide that she will do 20% of the work and you will do 80% of the work which you then will delegate to your wife.

From your post, it sounds like your sister's kids are already old enough to not need childcare since your mom provided that when she and they were younger. You and your wife on the other hand have young children that you are juggling with working.

Team wife 100%.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What exactly are you proposing OP? Are you going to be the one checking on your mother or does that fall to your wife? Will whatever you propose alter the evening routine for your wife?

+1 The fact that he keeps using "we" blur the fact that he's asking her to do this is sketchy, and that he would even start this thread scapegoating his wife when it's his sister at fault is worse yet. Add in the way OP refuses to answer any question about his sister's spouse and there's nothing to say but #teamwife.

That's not what he has said. He said she won't agree to pay for extra childcare so he could do it.

He said "we" would have to change our hours and "we" would have to pay for more childcare coverage and she won't agree to cover it. When asked, repeatedly, to explain what exactly he is proposing -- if he's the one checking on his mom, why would she need to change her hours? If she doesn't need to change her hours, why would childcare coverage need to change? -- he has disappeared from the thread.

Yes, as soon as we started asking what exactly he was proposing and what HE would be doing vs what he expected his wife to be doing - he stopped responding. He could have said, "she doesn't have to lift a finger except agree that we will contribute some money".

He wants his wife to put the kids in aftercare and step in because his sister won't. He doesn't want to cut his hours. I guarantee he never even raised the subject of his sister's husband stepping in as well.

[Anonymous]

OP, you should be redirecting all this resentment towards your sister. It sounds like you want to minimize what you’re asking of your wife and children while completely giving your sister a pass. You want to put your kids last to avoid conflict with your dad and sister. Good for your wife for not standing up for them!

Time to man up, OP.

[Anonymous]

So your sister is only willing to pitch in when it works and is convenient for her but your wife is the demon here?

[Anonymous]

Also, this is the kind of stuff people should think about -- fair and equitable. Maybe OP and his wife didn't need constant childcare but it does sound like they could have used some help when the babies were born and mom didn't extend herself. Now OP expects his wife to be better/do more than his mom did for her and perhaps wife ain't feeling like taking the high road on this one.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your sister absolutely needs to take care of this. Her checking out is not an option in any way. Frankly, I'd tell her to get her A$$ in gear in reparation for all the work your mother provided to her (assuming your mother was not financially compensated by your sister) or she can forget about having any kind of relationship with you and your family going forward.

I don't understand this at all. OP, you need to deal with this, not your wife. At all. Grow a set.

If I one day have the ability to watch my precious grandchildren, I would be doing that because I wanted to NOT because I expected my DIL to provide free eldercare for me when I'm old.

If you think that playing Go Fish with a 4 year old is the same thing as providing eldercare then you have done neither and you don't know any better.

Wow , how skewed! The mother had two sets of grandchildren and by your logic she probably truly loved only one of them. Can she hope to count on her favorite daughter to take care of her in sickness then? Because her daughter in law is obviously traumatized by the unfair and obviously dismissive treatment.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You and your sister need to figure this out. This is not on your wife.

OP, you realize that you are asking your wife to do more for your mom than your sister, right?

What are your expectations of your sister’s husband? If it’s “ridiculous” to ask him for help, then it’s a thousand times more so to ask your wife to take this on. Stop dumping all your sh*t on your wife and kids!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Also, this is the kind of stuff people should think about -- fair and equitable. Maybe OP and his wife didn't need constant childcare but it does sound like they could have used some help when the babies were born and mom didn't extend herself. Now OP expects his wife to be better/do more than his mom did for her and perhaps wife ain't feeling like taking the high road on this one.

If OP and his wife have kids young enough to need childcare, they’re probably overextended as is...

It could be a matter of protecting herself — she knows for a fact that nobody in OPs family will help her or her children in an emergency. She knows her parents have passed away. If she overextends herself and there are negative career or mental health repercussions, she will have no support.

The wife is smart for saying no and putting her children first.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What exactly are you proposing OP? Are you going to be the one checking on your mother or does that fall to your wife? Will whatever you propose alter the evening routine for your wife?

+1 The fact that he keeps using "we" blur the fact that he's asking her to do this is sketchy, and that he would even start this thread scapegoating his wife when it's his sister at fault is worse yet. Add in the way OP refuses to answer any question about his sister's spouse and there's nothing to say but #teamwife.

That's not what he has said. He said she won't agree to pay for extra childcare so he could do it.

Op here

This is correct. My wife does not want to pay our sitter an extra $40/day (we pay her $20/hr for after school care) so that I can spend 2-3 hours with my mom in the afternoon.

Im off at 3, but my parents live 1 hour from my work. I would get home around 5PM, my wife gets home at 6. Normally we had a sitter pick our kids up from school and watch them until I got home at 3:30. But we would now need them to watch the kids from 7-5:30. My parents live 1 hour from my house.

My wife does not like my sister in general. She is married to an alcoholic and his behavior at holidays has been terrible. He is completely useless and can’t be trusted to watch his mother in law. My sister has spent many nights at our house with her kids, saying she’s going to leave him but she never does. I think my wife kind of lost it after she helped my sister get set up with counselling and a plan to leave and she never followed through:

My wife is a social worker and is vehemently opposed to the idea in general.