Wife refusing to pitch in with help with aging mother

[Anonymous]

Can she get more disability from SS? Medicaid?

[Anonymous]

OP I posted earlier and even as I am on your wife's side, I also get where you are: your mom needs care. She's your mom. You want to do something. Your dad needs to work because medical bills are piling up. Your sister and BIL are useless. Your wife is resentful because she sees/saw everyone trying to help the sister and little to no help flowing back to your family. Tough spot to be in.

[Anonymous]

As a PP said, you are postponing the inevitable. I've been through what you're going through. Once with my grandmother and again with my FIL. Your mother is in decline and is likely at the point she needs to be in a facility. Yes, I know you said your father is opposed to it but by accommodating him, you are prolonging the inevitable - at a cost to you and your marriage.

My DH's inability to have his father cared for in a facility nearly broke our marriage. We'd been married 10+ years when it started, had a 2 year period of hell and it probably took another 4 years before our marriage was no longer shaky. If my FIL hadn't died when he did, we would have been divorced. The long term impact of caring for someone at home with too little support is soul crushing with very real mental health risks. You are too far away to be relied upon and even if your father were to retire tomorrow with full benefits, he cannot be a full time caretaker.

Team wife on this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What exactly are you proposing OP? Are you going to be the one checking on your mother or does that fall to your wife? Will whatever you propose alter the evening routine for your wife?

+1 The fact that he keeps using "we" blur the fact that he's asking her to do this is sketchy, and that he would even start this thread scapegoating his wife when it's his sister at fault is worse yet. Add in the way OP refuses to answer any question about his sister's spouse and there's nothing to say but #teamwife.

That's not what he has said. He said she won't agree to pay for extra childcare so he could do it.

Op here

This is correct. My wife does not want to pay our sitter an extra $40/day (we pay her $20/hr for after school care) so that I can spend 2-3 hours with my mom in the afternoon.

Im off at 3, but my parents live 1 hour from my work. I would get home around 5PM, my wife gets home at 6. Normally we had a sitter pick our kids up from school and watch them until I got home at 3:30. But we would now need them to watch the kids from 7-5:30. My parents live 1 hour from my house.

My wife does not like my sister in general. She is married to an alcoholic and his behavior at holidays has been terrible. He is completely useless and can’t be trusted to watch his mother in law. My sister has spent many nights at our house with her kids, saying she’s going to leave him but she never does. I think my wife kind of lost it after she helped my sister get set up with counselling and a plan to leave and she never followed through:

My wife is a social worker and is vehemently opposed to the idea in general.

I can't tell if you're kidding or not with this comically optimistic schedule. You live an hour from your parents so you're planning to drive an hour to check on your mom from 4-4:30, high five your dad when he gets home and leave immediately (I call unlikely), drive an hour in rush hour traffic to get back by 5:30 (see how this is all wishful thinking), and relieve the nanny at 5:30 instead of 3:30? What's it going to cost you when you don't beat your wife home and the nanny has to stay until 6?

And the dinner that you probably usually prepped if not made because you got home in the afternoon - whose job is that now? The nanny? That's going to cost you more than $20/day. What about the days your sister decides not to check in because she said 1 or 2 days a week and you're off work anyway? Will the nanny cover those on short notice?

Your wife is defending her boundaries because your family keeps violating them. You're saying $40/day but it's also 10-15 hours more per week of your kids in childcare instead of with a parent, upending your weekday routine, and YET AGAIN bending over backwards because your sister sucks.

[Anonymous]

Can your sister or you do a video chat visit at 4 and have Mom show she is taking her medication and having something to eat?

[Anonymous]

I wouldn't want my kids to spend less time with mom or dad anr.more time with the nanny.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What exactly are you proposing OP? Are you going to be the one checking on your mother or does that fall to your wife? Will whatever you propose alter the evening routine for your wife?

+1 The fact that he keeps using "we" blur the fact that he's asking her to do this is sketchy, and that he would even start this thread scapegoating his wife when it's his sister at fault is worse yet. Add in the way OP refuses to answer any question about his sister's spouse and there's nothing to say but #teamwife.

That's not what he has said. He said she won't agree to pay for extra childcare so he could do it.

Op here

This is correct. My wife does not want to pay our sitter an extra $40/day (we pay her $20/hr for after school care) so that I can spend 2-3 hours with my mom in the afternoon.

Im off at 3, but my parents live 1 hour from my work. I would get home around 5PM, my wife gets home at 6. Normally we had a sitter pick our kids up from school and watch them until I got home at 3:30. But we would now need them to watch the kids from 7-5:30. My parents live 1 hour from my house.

My wife does not like my sister in general. She is married to an alcoholic and his behavior at holidays has been terrible. He is completely useless and can’t be trusted to watch his mother in law. My sister has spent many nights at our house with her kids, saying she’s going to leave him but she never does. I think my wife kind of lost it after she helped my sister get set up with counselling and a plan to leave and she never followed through:

My wife is a social worker and is vehemently opposed to the idea in general.

I can't tell if you're kidding or not with this comically optimistic schedule. You live an hour from your parents so you're planning to drive an hour to check on your mom from 4-4:30, high five your dad when he gets home and leave immediately (I call unlikely), drive an hour in rush hour traffic to get back by 5:30 (see how this is all wishful thinking), and relieve the nanny at 5:30 instead of 3:30? What's it going to cost you when you don't beat your wife home and the nanny has to stay until 6?

And the dinner that you probably usually prepped if not made because you got home in the afternoon - whose job is that now? The nanny? That's going to cost you more than $20/day. What about the days your sister decides not to check in because she said 1 or 2 days a week and you're off work anyway? Will the nanny cover those on short notice?

Your wife is defending her boundaries because your family keeps violating them. You're saying $40/day but it's also 10-15 hours more per week of your kids in childcare instead of with a parent, upending your weekday routine, and YET AGAIN bending over backwards because your sister sucks.

All this. OP is going to drive 2 hours everyday to see his mom for half an hour? And what about those days where there is a wrench in the schedule -- nanny is sick or child is sick or has some school event or a doctor's appt or your dad has something that prevents him getting home at 430?

[Anonymous]

So sister has a lot on her plate. Not to defend her but being married to an alcoholic is its own kind of hell.

I'd try to get a neighbor to drop in.

I'd also start touring memory facilities around Dad's house.
Knowledge is power and you can see what is out there and what it costs for future reference. You may as well tour places around your house too. Understand spouses are under a lot of stress when their wife has dementia. Sometimes the spouse with dementia outlives the spouse that is working. The support spouse has a lot of stress which is not good for health.

Two years is a long time in dementia world. These piece meal check ins may work for 2 years or they may not.

Dad is primary decision maker. If he does not want her in a dementia/memory unit then he may have to retire early.

Also, does sister have a kid that could be hired to do the 4:00 pm check in? Pay the teen and keep the money in the family.

[Anonymous]

Op here

This is correct. My wife does not want to pay our sitter an extra $40/day (we pay her $20/hr for after school care) so that I can spend 2-3 hours with my mom in the afternoon.

Im off at 3, but my parents live 1 hour from my work. I would get home around 5PM, my wife gets home at 6. Normally we had a sitter pick our kids up from school and watch them until I got home at 3:30. But we would now need them to watch the kids from 7-5:30. My parents live 1 hour from my house.

My wife does not like my sister in general. She is married to an alcoholic and his behavior at holidays has been terrible. He is completely useless and can’t be trusted to watch his mother in law. My sister has spent many nights at our house with her kids, saying she’s going to leave him but she never does. I think my wife kind of lost it after she helped my sister get set up with counselling and a plan to leave and she never followed through:

My wife is a social worker and is vehemently opposed to the idea in general.

OP this is not going to work. Your wife is 100% correct.

Its not just an additional $40 X 4 days so $160 a week. You also need to factor in gas since you will be driving 2 hours everyday. Gas is cheap now but with normal prices you are probably looking at an additional $50 a week in gas plus significant ,mileage on your car. You are also underestimating your commute/sitter time. If your parents are 1 hour away at 3pm, you arrive at 4 and stay with your mom and your dad gets home at 4:30 then you are not leaving until 4:45. This would put you home at 5:45 not 5:30 IF traffic on your route is the same at 3pm as it is at 4:30 which is unlikely. You are most likely looking at needing the nanny until 6pm so even more money.

You will be exhausted from working all day, jumping in the car for an hour, visiting your parents and then driving another hour. Your wife will end up with all the evening childcare and you are giving up 10 hours a week of time with your kids.

Your sister on the other hand will go over once a week with little to no additional cost. If your parents provided childcare when her kids were younger and they haven't moved then its also likely that your sister lives closer.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Can your sister or you do a video chat visit at 4 and have Mom show she is taking her medication and having something to eat?

This. Can Mom still talk on a phone? Or video chat? This is a good option unless Mom's dementia is advanced.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What exactly are you proposing OP? Are you going to be the one checking on your mother or does that fall to your wife? Will whatever you propose alter the evening routine for your wife?

+1 The fact that he keeps using "we" blur the fact that he's asking her to do this is sketchy, and that he would even start this thread scapegoating his wife when it's his sister at fault is worse yet. Add in the way OP refuses to answer any question about his sister's spouse and there's nothing to say but #teamwife.

That's not what he has said. He said she won't agree to pay for extra childcare so he could do it.

Op here

This is correct. My wife does not want to pay our sitter an extra $40/day (we pay her $20/hr for after school care) so that I can spend 2-3 hours with my mom in the afternoon.

Im off at 3, but my parents live 1 hour from my work. I would get home around 5PM, my wife gets home at 6. Normally we had a sitter pick our kids up from school and watch them until I got home at 3:30. But we would now need them to watch the kids from 7-5:30. My parents live 1 hour from my house.

My wife does not like my sister in general. She is married to an alcoholic and his behavior at holidays has been terrible. He is completely useless and can’t be trusted to watch his mother in law. My sister has spent many nights at our house with her kids, saying she’s going to leave him but she never does. I think my wife kind of lost it after she helped my sister get set up with counselling and a plan to leave and she never followed through:

My wife is a social worker and is vehemently opposed to the idea in general.

Okay - this is a really helpful update and I now understand where you're coming from. If I were your wife, here's where I would compromise:

1) Your sister says she can maybe swing 1-2 days - she HAS to commit to two. Leaving you with the other three days. She can pick which two, but it's the same two, every week, and if you have to read her the riot act, do it.
2) There HAS to be a plan, right now, before I would agree to anything, as to what happens when your mother can no longer be in the house alone. This day is COMING SOON no matter what your father and sister think, and it will NOT wait for your father to retire. So - figure it out NOW. If tomorrow, your mom can't be alone, what's the plan? Is it for your dad to immediately retire? If so, he needs to agree to that. Is it to go to a facility? If so, which one? Is it to have home health aids? If so, who will pay for it? You have leverage right now. Use it to get everyone on the same page.
3) $40 extra three times a week is roughly $520 per month. You review your budget and find something you can sacrifice to pay for at least most of that. Is there a line item in your budget that's higher because of your preferences? That's where I'd start. Downgrade your car? You do more cooking so there's less ordering takeout? Obviously unless you're wealthy, $520 a month will hurt, but you better make sure that it hurts you at least 2x as much as your wife. Also don't forget to add in additional gas $$ for all the travel.

With those three things in place, if I were your wife, I'd agree to spend the extra money so you could take care of your mom 3x per week.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP I posted earlier and even as I am on your wife's side, I also get where you are: your mom needs care. She's your mom. You want to do something. Your dad needs to work because medical bills are piling up. Your sister and BIL are useless. Your wife is resentful because she sees/saw everyone trying to help the sister and little to no help flowing back to your family. Tough spot to be in.

And yet he is focusing on blaming his wife.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, if your dad is insistent on getting help and your mother is in decline, and he wants to get help but keep working, then he needs to downsize and move closer to you.

This is another good idea. Sell Dad's house. Move them closer to you but downsized in a cheaper place that is closer to you.

[Anonymous]

This is an idiotic idea, especially with OP's update. No way should your kids spend that much more time (and the money) with the babysitter just so you can check in on your mom for half an hour with a two hour round trip.

[Anonymous]

OP -It makes no sense that your mom can be alone from 1pm-4pm but somehow can't make it until 4:30 when your father gets home. Why exactly do you think that your mom needs supervision 4-4:30 and not 1-4pm or whenever your dad leaves home until noon?

Ye-s sunsetting starts occurring in the evening BUT it isn't on an alarm clock. What happens on days when she starts sunsetting at 3pm instead of 4pm?