Beyond tacky “shower” invite

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ummm, this is awful and in such poor taste. She must know this and if not you must tell her she cannot do this! If you’re relying on gifts to have what you need then you’re not ready to be a parent. Get what you need@
- and anything else you get is gravy.

Since when do people buy only "nice to haves" for baby showers? Is this a rich person thing?

What happened to baby registries where people put in all kinds of stuff from diaper genies to bouncy chairs or whatever? Are those things considered "gravy"? Those were must haves, IMO.

DCUM skews towards people with higher education and income. Most ppl having kids are much younger and less financially secure (ready or not to be parents) and they are counting on shower gifts. Based on my experience with the sales person at BuyBuyBaby when I set up my registry back in Feb. bouncy chairs and diaper genies are what you put on the list.

This isn't really about higher education or income. It's about class. Much of the time, education level and income is a pretty good indicator of class. However, I think we all know wealthy people who are trashy and poor people who have class.

Having a baby shower is a trashy thing to do. Period. If you can't afford to have kids, don't have kids. If you have friends/family who want to buy you gifts for your baby, that's great, but then they ask what they can give you to celebrate the occasion and you answer. You don't send around an "invitation" (or get someone to send it around) for people to give you gifts. And it's also trashy for someone else to throw you a shower (unless maybe it's a genuine surprise and people know that), but throwing YOURSELF a shower is beyond trashy.

I had no money when I started having children. I was gifted a couple of smaller items but we paid for the baby ourselves. If I knew that someone was planning to buy us something bigger then I would have politely insisted that they didn't need to do that. You know what we did? We bought what we needed (that does NOT include diaper genies and whatever else was on the "need" list in this thread!) and a couple of small wanted items and nothing else. And yes, we waited to have children until we were 30 and in a position to afford those things on our own, because our decision to have children should not be someone else's problem.

I would bet a significant amount of money no one likes you very much.

[Anonymous]

Aside from poor wording choices (e.g. "mail-in shower"), the tackiest aspect of this is that your friend is proposing to host her own shower. If you are close enough with her that she is coming to you for advice, you should offer to host a Zoom shower for her. Then provide her mailing address in the invite and invite friends and family who wish to send gifts for her to open over Zoom to visit her registry at attached link.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Maybe your friend is having money problems.

I would discreetly email family and close friends, and explain that Larla has fallen on tough times, that you would like to buy her a few essentials, and ask if anyone can go in on the cost with you.

ummm, I doubt Larla would appreciate that act of "friendship"

[Anonymous]

I posted way earlier on this thread that invites like the one OP shared are very common on the website I follow for people due the same month as me (I joined bc it was kind of nice to hear about ppl having symptoms or experiences at the same time - ie anatomy scan or GD testing).

Someone posted this today; given language I think its not OPs friend: https://imgur.com/sXNNAbM

[Anonymous]

It is not tacky. If it is her first child it is totally appropriate under the circumstances. I think she should also have on online Zoom party where she does the opening of the gifts. Instead of judging her you should be happy she is welcoming a new baby! You need to think about you level of friendship and think about whether you are really her friend or an acquaintance. What is tacky is someone's so call friend coming on here posting this. Ugh!

Anonymous wrote:My friend sent me an image of her “mail-in” “shower” invite asking me if it’s tacky and it’s so tacky it’s cringeworthy.

“We would love to celebrate with our close family and friends, however times are difficult to gather, so we invite you to mail your gift or card so baby can feel your love near and far.” Tacky tacky tacky, but it gets worse:

“Please mail gift by June 4th.”

I’m a little horrified, but chose to ignore the first part and just gently addressed the deadline bit...she responded “I wanted to have a deadline so I can get what I still need before she’s born.” I do understand where she’s coming from and feel for her that she can’t have a real shower, but there are much better ways to do these things.

I haven’t responded yet because I don’t even know what to say.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

This isn't really about higher education or income. It's about class. Much of the time, education level and income is a pretty good indicator of class. However, I think we all know wealthy people who are trashy and poor people who have class.

Having a baby shower is a trashy thing to do. Period. If you can't afford to have kids, don't have kids. If you have friends/family who want to buy you gifts for your baby, that's great, but then they ask what they can give you to celebrate the occasion and you answer. You don't send around an "invitation" (or get someone to send it around) for people to give you gifts. And it's also trashy for someone else to throw you a shower (unless maybe it's a genuine surprise and people know that), but throwing YOURSELF a shower is beyond trashy.

I had no money when I started having children. I was gifted a couple of smaller items but we paid for the baby ourselves. If I knew that someone was planning to buy us something bigger then I would have politely insisted that they didn't need to do that. You know what we did? We bought what we needed (that does NOT include diaper genies and whatever else was on the "need" list in this thread!) and a couple of small wanted items and nothing else. And yes, we waited to have children until we were 30 and in a position to afford those things on our own, because our decision to have children should not be someone else's problem.

Just because you say it doesn't make it true. Baby showers are pretty standard in our society and most people don't think they are "trashy". Sorry you don't like it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Aside from poor wording choices (e.g. "mail-in shower"), the tackiest aspect of this is that your friend is proposing to host her own shower. If you are close enough with her that she is coming to you for advice, you should offer to host a Zoom shower for her. Then provide her mailing address in the invite and invite friends and family who wish to send gifts for her to open over Zoom to visit her registry at attached link.

I hadn't read any comments yet and suggested the same thing. It must be commonsense. This person just seems to want to trash their so called friend. If she is that tacky than maybe they shouldn't be friends anymore.

[Anonymous]

This does sort of solve the DCUM mystery of why showers are always torn apart on here.

It’s okay for couples to have kids young, to get gifts, and to actually need the help. I get it: you chose otherwise. But it’s normal and fine for middle class people to have kids in their mid 20s and need a shower to get ready to welcome baby. It’s not tacky or bad or low class or for low IQ people. It’s normal.

(I didn’t have a shower and didn’t need one.)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is she the pregnant person? If so, then no, she can't send that out. If she's a bff, she could perhaps host a "Zoom" shower, give out a date and time, and say that the mom-to-be will open gifts that she has during the zoom session. And to do this , I would assume it would go out only to the closest friends and relatives. This is not for wide distribution.

If no one else is giving you a shower it is perfectly fine to still have a baby shower! If no one gives you a birthday party you can't celebrate your birthday either? These rules are ridiculous! Where did they come from? Emily Post?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is so outrageous that I pray you're trolling, because I'd frankly rather continue to assume that there aren't people so obnoxious living in the world with us.

However, on the chance that this is real, you need to drop her as a friend. Honestly.

I agree! She doesn't need judgmental friends like you in her life when she will have a new baby to love and care for.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This does sort of solve the DCUM mystery of why showers are always torn apart on here.

It’s okay for couples to have kids young, to get gifts, and to actually need the help. I get it: you chose otherwise. But it’s normal and fine for middle class people to have kids in their mid 20s and need a shower to get ready to welcome baby. It’s not tacky or bad or low class or for low IQ people. It’s normal.

(I didn’t have a shower and didn’t need one.)

It's not young couples that we are tearing apart. It's the lady in her mid 30s wanting a shower. I mean, really? Most of us are making well over $100K by then. We don't need showers.

And yes, showers absolutely are tacky.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This does sort of solve the DCUM mystery of why showers are always torn apart on here.

It’s okay for couples to have kids young, to get gifts, and to actually need the help. I get it: you chose otherwise. But it’s normal and fine for middle class people to have kids in their mid 20s and need a shower to get ready to welcome baby. It’s not tacky or bad or low class or for low IQ people. It’s normal.

(I didn’t have a shower and didn’t need one.)

It's not young couples that we are tearing apart. It's the lady in her mid 30s wanting a shower. I mean, really? Most of us are making well over $100K by then. We don't need showers.

And yes, showers absolutely are tacky.

*shrug* You are welcome to decline ALL showers. Better yet, why don't you let ALL of your friends know that you find them tacky and make sure that they don't invite you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This does sort of solve the DCUM mystery of why showers are always torn apart on here.

It’s okay for couples to have kids young, to get gifts, and to actually need the help. I get it: you chose otherwise. But it’s normal and fine for middle class people to have kids in their mid 20s and need a shower to get ready to welcome baby. It’s not tacky or bad or low class or for low IQ people. It’s normal.

(I didn’t have a shower and didn’t need one.)

It's not young couples that we are tearing apart. It's the lady in her mid 30s wanting a shower. I mean, really? Most of us are making well over $100K by then. We don't need showers.

And yes, showers absolutely are tacky.

Is Christmas tacky? Are birthdays tacky? I mean they're just part of our culture. To be tacky, you sort of have to be doing something that's out-of-step with your own culture, so, definitionally, I think it's impossible for showers to be tacky given that they are also normal and a rite of passage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is she the pregnant person? If so, then no, she can't send that out. If she's a bff, she could perhaps host a "Zoom" shower, give out a date and time, and say that the mom-to-be will open gifts that she has during the zoom session. And to do this , I would assume it would go out only to the closest friends and relatives. This is not for wide distribution.

If no one else is giving you a shower it is perfectly fine to still have a baby shower! If no one gives you a birthday party you can't celebrate your birthday either? These rules are ridiculous! Where did they come from? Emily Post?

Actually the Emily Post Institute (Emily post is long dead) have a pretty modern, broad view compared to the ppl on this board. They acknowledge that self or immediate family-hosted showers are traditionally frowned upon but that in modern society there are many reasons why a person might have one.

"Today it is appropriate for anyone to host a baby shower as long as there’s a legitimate reason. For example, some parents-to-be live far from their hometowns, and their mothers and siblings want to host a shower so that longtime friends can attend."
Link: https://emilypost.com/advice/baby-showers-welcoming-the-new-baby/

[Anonymous]

Is it tacky to throw yourself a birthday party, too?