Beyond tacky “shower” invite

[Anonymous]

As others have noted, there's a dance for this. I know we have all the pearl clutchers who are horrified, horrified, if someone ever mentions gifts in any context, but unless you were raised by wolves, you know that gifts will be sent for wedding and showers.

But the dance is --

1. Someone who is not the mother-to-be sends around a plan for a virtual shower. Honestly, this is the easiest time to get brownie points because you don't have plan locations, food, decorations, etc. Pick a time and a place
2. If another person does it, they can also include in the invite, Larla's registry info -- "if you want to send a gift, her registry is here' and put the URL.
3. If that's too cringey for you, don't put in registry information and wait for the series of emails asking where the registry is and respond to each one. Again, if the recipients are at all close and aren't raised by wolves, they're going to send a gift anyway.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:All showers for women over the age of 30 are pretty tacky.

Hahaha. Ok.

Why’s that? By DCUM standards everyone should be wealthy by then?

I am mystified by the DCUM hate for showers - no matter the context of the post when showers come up there are awash in negative comments. I think DCUM forgets that the people invited to a shower are the mom's friends and loved ones, people who are happy to celebrate a baby.

I’m happy to send a gift if that’s what you mean by “celebrate baby”, but I do not want to go to a shower. For anyone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:All showers for women over the age of 30 are pretty tacky.

Hahaha. Ok.

Why’s that? By DCUM standards everyone should be wealthy by then?

I am mystified by the DCUM hate for showers - no matter the context of the post when showers come up there are awash in negative comments. I think DCUM forgets that the people invited to a shower are the mom's friends and loved ones, people who are happy to celebrate a baby.

I’m happy to send a gift if that’s what you mean by “celebrate baby”, but I do not want to go to a shower. For anyone.

I meant the combo., the party and the gift. I have never been invited to a shower and thought ugh I dont want to go.

This is what I seriously dont get, what is SO AWFUL about it?? Its a party ... with your friends or family ... celebrating someone you care about.

[Anonymous]

Your friend is having a baby during a time when she cannot have a baby shower. Send a gift or stfu. But, do not make a post about it bashing her. If anything, your behavior is tacky.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your friend is having a baby during a time when she cannot have a baby shower. Send a gift or stfu. But, do not make a post about it bashing her. If anything, your behavior is tacky.

+1 Everyone is sooooo sure their shower was the epitome of class and they would have the classiest possible reaction to being heavily pregnant during a global pandemic unprecedented in our lifetimes. If you're trashing this woman, you're probably friends with people who went out for drinks after your shower and trashed it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ummm, this is awful and in such poor taste. She must know this and if not you must tell her she cannot do this! If you’re relying on gifts to have what you need then you’re not ready to be a parent. Get what you need@
- and anything else you get is gravy.

Since when do people buy only "nice to haves" for baby showers? Is this a rich person thing?

What happened to baby registries where people put in all kinds of stuff from diaper genies to bouncy chairs or whatever? Are those things considered "gravy"? Those were must haves, IMO.

DCUM skews towards people with higher education and income. Most ppl having kids are much younger and less financially secure (ready or not to be parents) and they are counting on shower gifts. Based on my experience with the sales person at BuyBuyBaby when I set up my registry back in Feb. bouncy chairs and diaper genies are what you put on the list.

PP here.. I had my kids later (mid/late 30s), and we were making good money. Same for most of my friends, but we all put stuff like this on the baby registry. When we got married, we stated no gifts because we were pretty set as far as having household stuff. But, we certainly did not have any baby stuff. Also, I like to allow the moms to buy the cute outfits for the babies themselves. That's part of the fun of having babies.. you get to buy them cute outfits. As the friend, I like to get the babies the boring stuff that's needed.

I don't think I have seen many baby clothes on registries. Maybe things like onesies, and socks/gloves, but that's about. IMO, moms like to buy the cute outfits for the babies.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your friend is having a baby during a time when she cannot have a baby shower. Send a gift or stfu. But, do not make a post about it bashing her. If anything, your behavior is tacky.

+1 Everyone is sooooo sure their shower was the epitome of class and they would have the classiest possible reaction to being heavily pregnant during a global pandemic unprecedented in our lifetimes. If you're trashing this woman, you're probably friends with people who went out for drinks after your shower and trashed it.

+1 trashy friends

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your friend is having a baby during a time when she cannot have a baby shower. Send a gift or stfu. But, do not make a post about it bashing her. If anything, your behavior is tacky.

+1 Everyone is sooooo sure their shower was the epitome of class and they would have the classiest possible reaction to being heavily pregnant during a global pandemic unprecedented in our lifetimes. If you're trashing this woman, you're probably friends with people who went out for drinks after your shower and trashed it.

+1 trashy friends

Are we not supposed to do that? I thought that was part of the whole thing, especially for single friends?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your friend is having a baby during a time when she cannot have a baby shower. Send a gift or stfu. But, do not make a post about it bashing her. If anything, your behavior is tacky.

+1 Everyone is sooooo sure their shower was the epitome of class and they would have the classiest possible reaction to being heavily pregnant during a global pandemic unprecedented in our lifetimes. If you're trashing this woman, you're probably friends with people who went out for drinks after your shower and trashed it.

+1 trashy friends

Are we not supposed to do that? I thought that was part of the whole thing, especially for single friends?

Welp, there it is.

[Anonymous]

She asked you if it was tacky. Just say yes. It’s unfortunate for her to be pregnant during a pandemic but she should either forgo the whole idea of a shower/pre baby gifts and just plan to have a meet the baby/sip and see type party sometime in the future that people would typically bring gifts to (hopefully this will be possible while the baby is still a baby!) or have a virtual shower hosted by someone else and have that someone else also send a link to the online baby registry along with the zoom shower invite.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your friend is having a baby during a time when she cannot have a baby shower. Send a gift or stfu. But, do not make a post about it bashing her. If anything, your behavior is tacky.

+1 Everyone is sooooo sure their shower was the epitome of class and they would have the classiest possible reaction to being heavily pregnant during a global pandemic unprecedented in our lifetimes. If you're trashing this woman, you're probably friends with people who went out for drinks after your shower and trashed it.

+1 trashy friends

+100!!

Be a classy friend and offer to send something out on her behalf. Suggest getting rid of the deadline. Only send to family and closest friends (remove any acquaintance type people who may have been invited to an in-person shower). Give me a break if you don't think aunts and best friends are excited to send a gift for the baby! And most want to send the mom-to-be something she actually wants or needs!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ummm, this is awful and in such poor taste. She must know this and if not you must tell her she cannot do this! If you’re relying on gifts to have what you need then you’re not ready to be a parent. Get what you need@
- and anything else you get is gravy.

Since when do people buy only "nice to haves" for baby showers? Is this a rich person thing?

What happened to baby registries where people put in all kinds of stuff from diaper genies to bouncy chairs or whatever? Are those things considered "gravy"? Those were must haves, IMO.

DCUM skews towards people with higher education and income. Most ppl having kids are much younger and less financially secure (ready or not to be parents) and they are counting on shower gifts. Based on my experience with the sales person at BuyBuyBaby when I set up my registry back in Feb. bouncy chairs and diaper genies are what you put on the list.

This isn't really about higher education or income. It's about class. Much of the time, education level and income is a pretty good indicator of class. However, I think we all know wealthy people who are trashy and poor people who have class.

Having a baby shower is a trashy thing to do. Period. If you can't afford to have kids, don't have kids. If you have friends/family who want to buy you gifts for your baby, that's great, but then they ask what they can give you to celebrate the occasion and you answer. You don't send around an "invitation" (or get someone to send it around) for people to give you gifts. And it's also trashy for someone else to throw you a shower (unless maybe it's a genuine surprise and people know that), but throwing YOURSELF a shower is beyond trashy.

I had no money when I started having children. I was gifted a couple of smaller items but we paid for the baby ourselves. If I knew that someone was planning to buy us something bigger then I would have politely insisted that they didn't need to do that. You know what we did? We bought what we needed (that does NOT include diaper genies and whatever else was on the "need" list in this thread!) and a couple of small wanted items and nothing else. And yes, we waited to have children until we were 30 and in a position to afford those things on our own, because our decision to have children should not be someone else's problem.

[Anonymous]

agree with the PP who said the friend should volunteer to send the registry information around (and ditch the "send gifts by X date" line - instead of that, you can just say baby is expected {date} and folks will generally get the idea).

this is not about money for so many people - it's about wanting to celebrate a huge milestone in their lives with their family and friends - as they likely no doubt did for countless other baby showers, bridal showers, weddings, etc. They just to be able to feel like the new baby is acknowledged and celebrated. And even if you're well off and older, it doesn't mean you have ANY supplies for the baby ready. Yes, you can go buy them, but again, it's about the occasion and wanting to feel celebrated and in turn celebrate with your friends. having a baby is a huge life event for anyone and it's particularly hard during this pandemic, so would try to be gentle with the mama to be! and be excited for her and the baby to come.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ummm, this is awful and in such poor taste. She must know this and if not you must tell her she cannot do this! If you’re relying on gifts to have what you need then you’re not ready to be a parent. Get what you need@
- and anything else you get is gravy.

Since when do people buy only "nice to haves" for baby showers? Is this a rich person thing?

What happened to baby registries where people put in all kinds of stuff from diaper genies to bouncy chairs or whatever? Are those things considered "gravy"? Those were must haves, IMO.

DCUM skews towards people with higher education and income. Most ppl having kids are much younger and less financially secure (ready or not to be parents) and they are counting on shower gifts. Based on my experience with the sales person at BuyBuyBaby when I set up my registry back in Feb. bouncy chairs and diaper genies are what you put on the list.

This isn't really about higher education or income. It's about class. Much of the time, education level and income is a pretty good indicator of class. However, I think we all know wealthy people who are trashy and poor people who have class.

Having a baby shower is a trashy thing to do. Period. If you can't afford to have kids, don't have kids. If you have friends/family who want to buy you gifts for your baby, that's great, but then they ask what they can give you to celebrate the occasion and you answer. You don't send around an "invitation" (or get someone to send it around) for people to give you gifts. And it's also trashy for someone else to throw you a shower (unless maybe it's a genuine surprise and people know that), but throwing YOURSELF a shower is beyond trashy.

I had no money when I started having children. I was gifted a couple of smaller items but we paid for the baby ourselves. If I knew that someone was planning to buy us something bigger then I would have politely insisted that they didn't need to do that. You know what we did? We bought what we needed (that does NOT include diaper genies and whatever else was on the "need" list in this thread!) and a couple of small wanted items and nothing else. And yes, we waited to have children until we were 30 and in a position to afford those things on our own, because our decision to have children should not be someone else's problem.

Wow. You are a wackadoodle. I didn't have a bridal or baby shower because I don't like being the center of attention (or writing thank yous) but it's perfectly "classy" to have one. Frankly I can see why no one offered to throw you one, you sound like a miserable person with no friends.

Showers aren't just about gifts, they're about celebrating life's milestones with the circle of women who are important to you and support you through life's joys. What an awful way to view having a child if you think it's just about you. Normally mothers, sisters and friends are excited to celebrate with the bride or new mom. I know I do! I live picking out gifts and knowing they'll be a part of a new baby's life.

You're miserable.

[Anonymous]

Maybe your friend is having money problems.

I would discreetly email family and close friends, and explain that Larla has fallen on tough times, that you would like to buy her a few essentials, and ask if anyone can go in on the cost with you.