Beyond tacky “shower” invite

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:1) suggest a Zoom shower
2) suggest reminding people of her due date in lieu of a deadline
3) offer to send this for her. A woman who is considering hosting her own shower is one who didn’t have a friend step up. Which is sad really.

+100 This is exactly what I planned to write, OP. Particularly #s 1 and 2.

And this is not something I would drop (or even judge) a true friend for. This should be one of the happiest times in her life and I would have empathy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would flat out tell my friend they couldn’t do that. I would encourage her to create a registry and I would offer to informally spread the word if it was appropriate in conversation. If someone was already planning to host a shower, that person might want to send a note that the plans are canceled but she is hoping to instead host a sip and see.

+1 Although if someone was already planning to host a shower I think they can send around an email saying something like "I know we were all really looking forward to celebrating Larla becoming a mom. If you can send me a quick 30 sec- 1 minute video of parenting tips, a note of encouragement, or just a 'thinking of you' message, I'll compile them and send it to her on the day her shower would have happened. Hopefully these crazy times are behind us soon and we can all meet Larlito/a once s/he's here!"

Then when people send in the video, if they ask for it (and some will), share the registry.

Preggo cannot send this herself. Honestly all the drive-by present dropoff showers haven't been bugging me because I assumed these were planned pre-Covid and people already RSVP'ed/bought gifts, so why not deliver them? But planning a presents-but-no-party party is different and not a good look.

[Anonymous]

My sister almost did something similar but I was able to talk her out of it. She was just trying to do one thing that would make her feel like a normal pregnancy. Shes bummed her husband can't come to appointments. Shes bummed they are no fun shopping trips to buy baby stuff. Shes bummed that family and friends can't celebrate in person. Shes sad that her mom can't come help out after the baby is born.

Deep down she knew her idea was ridiculous but this will be her only baby so she just wasn't thinking straight.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would flat out tell my friend they couldn’t do that. I would encourage her to create a registry and I would offer to informally spread the word if it was appropriate in conversation. If someone was already planning to host a shower, that person might want to send a note that the plans are canceled but she is hoping to instead host a sip and see.

+1 Although if someone was already planning to host a shower I think they can send around an email saying something like "I know we were all really looking forward to celebrating Larla becoming a mom. If you can send me a quick 30 sec- 1 minute video of parenting tips, a note of encouragement, or just a 'thinking of you' message, I'll compile them and send it to her on the day her shower would have happened. Hopefully these crazy times are behind us soon and we can all meet Larlito/a once s/he's here!"

Then when people send in the video, if they ask for it (and some will), share the registry.

Preggo cannot send this herself. Honestly all the drive-by present dropoff showers haven't been bugging me because I assumed these were planned pre-Covid and people already RSVP'ed/bought gifts, so why not deliver them? But planning a presents-but-no-party party is different and not a good look.

I like the idea of requesting videos. I’d just add the registry link to the invite though. Let’s not kid ourselves, we all know what the shower is about. If your “guest” needs some sort of incentive to send a gift. The host can have cupcakes delivered to anyone who RSVPs for the virtual shower. Or plan on hosting a sip and see brunch for when it’s safe. Many shower gifts are time sensitive though.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My sister almost did something similar but I was able to talk her out of it. She was just trying to do one thing that would make her feel like a normal pregnancy. Shes bummed her husband can't come to appointments. Shes bummed they are no fun shopping trips to buy baby stuff. Shes bummed that family and friends can't celebrate in person. Shes sad that her mom can't come help out after the baby is born.

Deep down she knew her idea was ridiculous but this will be her only baby so she just wasn't thinking straight.

Wow, I really hope you try to do something special for her, instead of just telling her to suck it up for picking a bad time to be pregnant.

[Anonymous]

I am having a hard time with this approach. It seems like a HUGE gift grab. Your friend should send out announcements when the baby is born. If you have 0 money when you are pregnant, it's the family that usually steps in and helps with the necessities. Hosting your own faux shower is beyond tacky.

I have friends whose kids are now having babies. If I am not invited to the shower (thank you), I always send a baby gift later. Isn't that the norm? Having a baby is not a summons for a gift.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My feeling about this is that we should still try to make an effort for the special times in the lives of people we care about, pandemic or not. If she would have had a shower in normal times, offer her some polite suggestions on how to tactfully replace the shower instead of judging her.

I am seeing so many posts making fun of or judging people who still want to be able to celebrate marriages and babies like they would regularly, and it makes me sad to think that people don’t care enough about their loved ones to step it up and let the usual “etiquette” relax a little. It’s like they’ve had theirs so they don’t care if others get to do the same.

+1 all the judgment about this is so ridiculous. Most people wouldn't usually do things they are doing now but it's a very weird, not to mention lonely, time to celebrate life milestones. Have some grace and support your friend instead of trashing her anonymously on the internet!!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:PP mentioning the education and income skew on DCUM is spot on. I’ve received a similar invitation (with a virtual
shower and a deadline lol) and I do think it has to do with income. Many people need help with baby stuff. (To me, that’s a good reason to not have a baby just yet or scale down your expectations, but I digress.)

Even if that’s not the issue, I get it. I’m a FTM whose showe has been cancelled and while we can afford what we need, it makes me sad to know I won’t get to participate in the community aspect of a shower. I would also love to be able to say, Aunt so and so bought you that blanket.

Several folks have asked for our registry but only 2 have made purchases for our June baby. I think if there’s no shower, most people opt out on giving a gift. Such is life.

Gosh, I was dirt poor when my kid was born. I bought virtually nothing, but my sister had had 2 kids and handed over her bassinet and baby clothes from her two (boy and girl stuff, didn't know yet the gender, waited until birth. Didn't care if baby (boy) wore a pink sleeper). Some freebies from a prenatal program I was participating in besides my doctor. Bought basics like diapers and supplies. Surprise shower organized by my sister (definitely a surprise) which was small in scale but got gifts. Received gifts, including cash gifts, after baby was born, I think I sent announcements, made phone calls, but honestly don't even remember if I sent any out.

The shower gifts were nice, but gathering with people was the best part.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My sister almost did something similar but I was able to talk her out of it. She was just trying to do one thing that would make her feel like a normal pregnancy. Shes bummed her husband can't come to appointments. Shes bummed they are no fun shopping trips to buy baby stuff. Shes bummed that family and friends can't celebrate in person. Shes sad that her mom can't come help out after the baby is born.

Deep down she knew her idea was ridiculous but this will be her only baby so she just wasn't thinking straight.

Wow, I really hope you try to do something special for her, instead of just telling her to suck it up for picking a bad time to be pregnant.

Really you are patting yourself on the back for that? Figure out a way to make her feel special and loved. It sucks to be pregnant for the first time right now (and in your sister's case, it sounds like the only time).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would flat out tell my friend they couldn’t do that. I would encourage her to create a registry and I would offer to informally spread the word if it was appropriate in conversation. If someone was already planning to host a shower, that person might want to send a note that the plans are canceled but she is hoping to instead host a sip and see.

+1 Although if someone was already planning to host a shower I think they can send around an email saying something like "I know we were all really looking forward to celebrating Larla becoming a mom. If you can send me a quick 30 sec- 1 minute video of parenting tips, a note of encouragement, or just a 'thinking of you' message, I'll compile them and send it to her on the day her shower would have happened. Hopefully these crazy times are behind us soon and we can all meet Larlito/a once s/he's here!"

Then when people send in the video, if they ask for it (and some will), share the registry.

Preggo cannot send this herself. Honestly all the drive-by present dropoff showers haven't been bugging me because I assumed these were planned pre-Covid and people already RSVP'ed/bought gifts, so why not deliver them? But planning a presents-but-no-party party is different and not a good look.

Lovely idea and creates the memories!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
You say there are better ways to do this... well, start by suggesting one!

I don’t want to hurt her feelings. Any suggestions about what to say?

I'm really sympathetic to your friend, but this comes across as extremely entitled. There's really no other way to read this besides "here's a list of things I want. Send them by X date."

I like the suggestions for a Zoom shower, and for someone to solicit videos of tips, which you can offer to compile and play for everyone at the virtual shower. I also really like the suggestion that you, or another friend, offer to circulate the registry instead, so it's not coming from her. It's much easier/less entitled for you to send an email like "Hi, all -- I know we're all disappointed that Larla's shower had to be cancelled. [UPDATE HERE ON HOW SHE'S DOING, nursery updates, blah blah blah] If you're able to send a gift, and would like to, I've included a link to the registry below."

As for a script for your friend, I'd say something along the lines of "I know it's not your intention, but it does come across as kind of a gift grab. I worry that people will read it as 'here's a list of things to buy me, and do it now!" But I know people will want to support you guys -- why don't I send it out, so people won't read it the wrong way?"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:1) suggest a Zoom shower
2) suggest reminding people of her due date in lieu of a deadline
3) offer to send this for her. A woman who is considering hosting her own shower is one who didn’t have a friend step up. Which is sad really.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You are such drama.

+1

[Anonymous]

They said card or gift. Can you send a just card with a nice note?

[Anonymous]

For a virtual shower you could do a fun Kahoot poll...just share your screen on zoom. Give people a login code and you'll have a fun way to interact. Also, if some people send gifts prior, she can open them onlne and people can ooh and ahh.