Serious relationship with divorced dad

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I get it. This is hard. It is hard to know how to navigate the waters on what is best for everyone—including me! I’m not afraid to put my needs in the picture and that’s what prompted the post. Also, I’m concerned that this issue is alienating my boyfriend’s daughter from her father. I don’t want to do that. He doesn’t want her to be rude. He wants me to be able to drop by from time to time and have her not run away. It is all very hard. Here is an example: I just stopped by this afternoon to drop off his computer chord. She was watching tv on the couch with the back to the door. I cheerfully say hello, she grumbles something without turning around and then stomps upstairs. This is rude. Isn’t it? Would you want your teenager behaving this way if anyone walked through the door?!? Also, am I supposed to feel fuzzy by this behavior? How do I proceed?

Anyway, I left shortly after because I had things to do but I don’t have my kids tonight and under normal circumstances, I would love to have spent the evening there (not even the night). Yes, these are MY needs. I am allowed to have needs. Not saying they supersede that of anyone else’s but clearly there is a huge issue.

Your needs are in no way relevant or important for her. They never will be. She doesn't want to be in your family, doesn't like you, and it probably won't change. Who cares if she has a good reason or not. Cut and run. Divorce sucks for kids. She deserved an intact family and will have to live life without it, and it wasn't her fault.

Her family will never be intact again, and that’s not OP’s fault. Little miss needs to gain some perspective. She doesn’t have to be friends with OP, but being rude is entirely unacceptable and would be punished in my household.

Being an imposition and overstaying one’s welcome is equally rude and daughter’s reaction to that is more exasperation than rudeness

I don’t allow my children to dictate when and for how long my friends are allowed to come over. If OP’s boyfriend invites OP over, she’s an invited guest. Besides, did you read OP’s post above? She came by to drop off a computer cord, and as soon as she arrived, the daughter ran upstairs grumbling. Your argument that she’s overstayed her welcome can hardly apply to this situation. She needs to be called back downstairs and asked to politely acknowledge OP. Then she can go upstairs and wallow in her hormonal misery.

I bet she just “drops by” a lot. And this has nothing to do with a child dictating anything and everything to do with a valid reaction to what appears to be OP being constantly around. It doesn’t sound like this behavior started overnight. OP is clearly trying to insert herself into their lives.

This. It's not just a drop-by, it's an attempt to gradually inculcate herself more and more into the family life. The daughter's response is based on what the OP is actually doing, not what she's pretending she's doing to make herself feel like she's not doing anything objectionable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I bet OP frequently comes up with reasons to drop by, like the computer cord, which turn into entire evenings spent at Dad’s house.

Dad is probably also annoyed by the clinginess and lack of boundaries, but doesn’t know how to tell OP. Daughter picks up on that and is behaving accordingly.

Op here—no, OP doesn’t frequently stop by. Op has young kids and is normally very busy in her own house but with covid, they’re with my exDH for an unexpected week. I actually prefer to not go over for all the reasons cited by other PPs. I’m very respectful of her space and I don’t know how to drill that to you guys.

Her mom only has 30% custody because she doesn’t live in the school boundary and she has a tiny apartment which is why the kids metro over to their dads home-which is their family home.

I very much want to be respectful and understanding but like one PP said, if I’m invited over, I want to be able to come over. My boyfriend has reached his limits with his daughter because it isn’t like he hasn’t given her time to adjust and it isn’t like he doesn’t give her a lot of his time without me. He wants to be happy too and that includes me—but obviously he wants his daughter to accept her family isn’t going to be intact. For what it’s worth, he’s been divorced 7 years but I’m the first woman he’s introduced to his children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I bet OP frequently comes up with reasons to drop by, like the computer cord, which turn into entire evenings spent at Dad’s house.

Dad is probably also annoyed by the clinginess and lack of boundaries, but doesn’t know how to tell OP. Daughter picks up on that and is behaving accordingly.

Op here—no, OP doesn’t frequently stop by. Op has young kids and is normally very busy in her own house but with covid, they’re with my exDH for an unexpected week. I actually prefer to not go over for all the reasons cited by other PPs. I’m very respectful of her space and I don’t know how to drill that to you guys.

Her mom only has 30% custody because she doesn’t live in the school boundary and she has a tiny apartment which is why the kids metro over to their dads home-which is their family home.

I very much want to be respectful and understanding but like one PP said, if I’m invited over, I want to be able to come over. My boyfriend has reached his limits with his daughter because it isn’t like he hasn’t given her time to adjust and it isn’t like he doesn’t give her a lot of his time without me. He wants to be happy too and that includes me—but obviously he wants his daughter to accept her family isn’t going to be intact. For what it’s worth, he’s been divorced 7 years but I’m the first woman he’s introduced to his children.

The point is that you WANT to frequently stop by, and she knows it. That's why she's defending her boundary so vigorously. You want to "operate as a family"-- unclear exactly what that means without moving in together, but it probably means a lot more time with you and your kids, and a lot more compromise.

What does that mean, he's "reached his limits"? What is he going to do to her if she doesn't start pretending she likes you? Is he prepared for a long-term alienation from her? Because that's what would likely happen.

This might not be about her wanting an intact family. That's just a cliche that divorced people believe because they don't want to acknowledge that their partner isn't welcomed by their children. She might just not like you (even if that's what she says).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I bet OP frequently comes up with reasons to drop by, like the computer cord, which turn into entire evenings spent at Dad’s house.

Dad is probably also annoyed by the clinginess and lack of boundaries, but doesn’t know how to tell OP. Daughter picks up on that and is behaving accordingly.

Op here—no, OP doesn’t frequently stop by. Op has young kids and is normally very busy in her own house but with covid, they’re with my exDH for an unexpected week. I actually prefer to not go over for all the reasons cited by other PPs. I’m very respectful of her space and I don’t know how to drill that to you guys.

Her mom only has 30% custody because she doesn’t live in the school boundary and she has a tiny apartment which is why the kids metro over to their dads home-which is their family home.

I very much want to be respectful and understanding but like one PP said, if I’m invited over, I want to be able to come over. My boyfriend has reached his limits with his daughter because it isn’t like he hasn’t given her time to adjust and it isn’t like he doesn’t give her a lot of his time without me. He wants to be happy too and that includes me—but obviously he wants his daughter to accept her family isn’t going to be intact. For what it’s worth, he’s been divorced 7 years but I’m the first woman he’s introduced to his children.

The point is that you WANT to frequently stop by, and she knows it. That's why she's defending her boundary so vigorously. You want to "operate as a family"-- unclear exactly what that means without moving in together, but it probably means a lot more time with you and your kids, and a lot more compromise.

What does that mean, he's "reached his limits"? What is he going to do to her if she doesn't start pretending she likes you? Is he prepared for a long-term alienation from her? Because that's what would likely happen.

This might not be about her wanting an intact family. That's just a cliche that divorced people believe because they don't want to acknowledge that their partner isn't welcomed by their children. She might just not like you (even if that's what she says).

No, I don’t want to frequently stop by. I really don’t. He wants me to stop by more because we don’t live very close to each other and some times he wants to stay in his own house and still see me—something that happens very infrequently.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I bet OP frequently comes up with reasons to drop by, like the computer cord, which turn into entire evenings spent at Dad’s house.

Dad is probably also annoyed by the clinginess and lack of boundaries, but doesn’t know how to tell OP. Daughter picks up on that and is behaving accordingly.

Op here—no, OP doesn’t frequently stop by. Op has young kids and is normally very busy in her own house but with covid, they’re with my exDH for an unexpected week. I actually prefer to not go over for all the reasons cited by other PPs. I’m very respectful of her space and I don’t know how to drill that to you guys.

Her mom only has 30% custody because she doesn’t live in the school boundary and she has a tiny apartment which is why the kids metro over to their dads home-which is their family home.

I very much want to be respectful and understanding but like one PP said, if I’m invited over, I want to be able to come over. My boyfriend has reached his limits with his daughter because it isn’t like he hasn’t given her time to adjust and it isn’t like he doesn’t give her a lot of his time without me. He wants to be happy too and that includes me—but obviously he wants his daughter to accept her family isn’t going to be intact. For what it’s worth, he’s been divorced 7 years but I’m the first woman he’s introduced to his children.

The point is that you WANT to frequently stop by, and she knows it. That's why she's defending her boundary so vigorously. You want to "operate as a family"-- unclear exactly what that means without moving in together, but it probably means a lot more time with you and your kids, and a lot more compromise.

What does that mean, he's "reached his limits"? What is he going to do to her if she doesn't start pretending she likes you? Is he prepared for a long-term alienation from her? Because that's what would likely happen.

This might not be about her wanting an intact family. That's just a cliche that divorced people believe because they don't want to acknowledge that their partner isn't welcomed by their children. She might just not like you (even if that's what she says).

No, I don’t want to frequently stop by. I really don’t. He wants me to stop by more because we don’t live very close to each other and some times he wants to stay in his own house and still see me—something that happens very infrequently.

Ok, he wants it and you don't. But to the daughter, it's the same thing-- you're in her space and she doesn't like it.

WTF do you mean by "operate as a family"?

[Anonymous]

And OP here again. She’s met my kids ONCE. At the pool. Her dad has specifically told her we will not be Brady branching it at any time soon.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP again. I guess at the end of it, my question is as follows---do I just be patient with this and accept that I'll be greeted with hostility going forward or do I cut my losses? I would never ask my boyfriend to chose me over his daughter and this isn't about that but if he had the choice between having Christmas with his children and me not being there so his daughter could be there, then it's obvious what he's going to pick. I am struggling with how to make sense out of all of this because obviously i have no experience with any of it but we both would like to be operating as a family soon-ish. We want everyone to be at least accepting of it.

Stick it out. She'll get over it and mature eventually. She'll definitely change a lot once she heads off the college. That's just 2 years away.

This !

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I get it. This is hard. It is hard to know how to navigate the waters on what is best for everyone—including me! I’m not afraid to put my needs in the picture and that’s what prompted the post. Also, I’m concerned that this issue is alienating my boyfriend’s daughter from her father. I don’t want to do that. He doesn’t want her to be rude. He wants me to be able to drop by from time to time and have her not run away. It is all very hard. Here is an example: I just stopped by this afternoon to drop off his computer chord. She was watching tv on the couch with the back to the door. I cheerfully say hello, she grumbles something without turning around and then stomps upstairs. This is rude. Isn’t it? Would you want your teenager behaving this way if anyone walked through the door?!? Also, am I supposed to feel fuzzy by this behavior? How do I proceed?

Anyway, I left shortly after because I had things to do but I don’t have my kids tonight and under normal circumstances, I would love to have spent the evening there (not even the night). Yes, these are MY needs. I am allowed to have needs. Not saying they supersede that of anyone else’s but clearly there is a huge issue.

Your needs are in no way relevant or important for her. They never will be. She doesn't want to be in your family, doesn't like you, and it probably won't change. Who cares if she has a good reason or not. Cut and run. Divorce sucks for kids. She deserved an intact family and will have to live life without it, and it wasn't her fault.

Her family will never be intact again, and that’s not OP’s fault. Little miss needs to gain some perspective. She doesn’t have to be friends with OP, but being rude is entirely unacceptable and would be punished in my household.

Being an imposition and overstaying one’s welcome is equally rude and daughter’s reaction to that is more exasperation than rudeness

I don’t allow my children to dictate when and for how long my friends are allowed to come over. If OP’s boyfriend invites OP over, she’s an invited guest. Besides, did you read OP’s post above? She came by to drop off a computer cord, and as soon as she arrived, the daughter ran upstairs grumbling. Your argument that she’s overstayed her welcome can hardly apply to this situation. She needs to be called back downstairs and asked to politely acknowledge OP. Then she can go upstairs and wallow in her hormonal misery.

I bet she just “drops by” a lot. And this has nothing to do with a child dictating anything and everything to do with a valid reaction to what appears to be OP being constantly around. It doesn’t sound like this behavior started overnight. OP is clearly trying to insert herself into their lives.

This. It's not just a drop-by, it's an attempt to gradually inculcate herself more and more into the family life. The daughter's response is based on what the OP is actually doing, not what she's pretending she's doing to make herself feel like she's not doing anything objectionable.

OP is not “trying to insert herself into their lives”, she *is* part of their lives. She has been their father’s partner for 4 years. She’s not some fly by night girlfriend—she is a firmly established part of their lives, by her boyfriend’s wishes.

[Anonymous]

OP again. “Operate as a family” means spending a weekend of spring break together—as an example. Again, not crashing their entire spring break but being able to join them for the last weekend and do Easter with them. Also, I’ve met the rest of my boyfriends family and everyone is very welcoming. They want me there. It wasn’t my idea.

[Anonymous]

Don’t do the pool or other public places.

Do do private activities with her and her dad. A dinner from time to time is not unreasonable. Don’t force her. You do what you’re going to do with her dad (ie dinner at home), make sure she knows she’s invited, and let her make her own choice. Hopefully you can get to tolerable holidays in the next few years.

[Anonymous]

It can also be good to plan dinners far in advance and let the daughter know so she has time to turn it over in her head.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Stop forcing a “Family” ....it doesn’t work that way. You will always be the interloper and outsider. It was their Family Vacation, no one wanted you there except your BF. Drill that in your mind.

OP here. FINE. Then it's not the relationship for me because how does one move forward with this???? Does everyone else feel this way? I have no experience with this. I see lots of friends dating divorced dads of teens and none seem to have an issue this acute.

This was written by someone that is clueless- ignore

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It can also be good to plan dinners far in advance and let the daughter know so she has time to turn it over in her head.

Op here. That is the one request the daughter has made and I have never ever come to dinner without her having ample warning. We 100% respect that boundary but she still will run away or not join.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I get it. This is hard. It is hard to know how to navigate the waters on what is best for everyone—including me! I’m not afraid to put my needs in the picture and that’s what prompted the post. Also, I’m concerned that this issue is alienating my boyfriend’s daughter from her father. I don’t want to do that. He doesn’t want her to be rude. He wants me to be able to drop by from time to time and have her not run away. It is all very hard. Here is an example: I just stopped by this afternoon to drop off his computer chord. She was watching tv on the couch with the back to the door. I cheerfully say hello, she grumbles something without turning around and then stomps upstairs. This is rude. Isn’t it? Would you want your teenager behaving this way if anyone walked through the door?!? Also, am I supposed to feel fuzzy by this behavior? How do I proceed?

Anyway, I left shortly after because I had things to do but I don’t have my kids tonight and under normal circumstances, I would love to have spent the evening there (not even the night). Yes, these are MY needs. I am allowed to have needs. Not saying they supersede that of anyone else’s but clearly there is a huge issue.

Your needs are in no way relevant or important for her. They never will be. She doesn't want to be in your family, doesn't like you, and it probably won't change. Who cares if she has a good reason or not. Cut and run. Divorce sucks for kids. She deserved an intact family and will have to live life without it, and it wasn't her fault.

Her family will never be intact again, and that’s not OP’s fault. Little miss needs to gain some perspective. She doesn’t have to be friends with OP, but being rude is entirely unacceptable and would be punished in my household.

Being an imposition and overstaying one’s welcome is equally rude and daughter’s reaction to that is more exasperation than rudeness

I don’t allow my children to dictate when and for how long my friends are allowed to come over. If OP’s boyfriend invites OP over, she’s an invited guest. Besides, did you read OP’s post above? She came by to drop off a computer cord, and as soon as she arrived, the daughter ran upstairs grumbling. Your argument that she’s overstayed her welcome can hardly apply to this situation. She needs to be called back downstairs and asked to politely acknowledge OP. Then she can go upstairs and wallow in her hormonal misery.

I bet she just “drops by” a lot. And this has nothing to do with a child dictating anything and everything to do with a valid reaction to what appears to be OP being constantly around. It doesn’t sound like this behavior started overnight. OP is clearly trying to insert herself into their lives.

This. It's not just a drop-by, it's an attempt to gradually inculcate herself more and more into the family life. The daughter's response is based on what the OP is actually doing, not what she's pretending she's doing to make herself feel like she's not doing anything objectionable.

OP is not “trying to insert herself into their lives”, she *is* part of their lives. She has been their father’s partner for 4 years. She’s not some fly by night girlfriend—she is a firmly established part of their lives, by her boyfriend’s wishes.

She is a part of her boyfriend's life, but not his children's lives, becauae she does not or can not spend very much time with them. She is trying to "operate as a family" and vacation together, which right now they are not doing. That ia exactly what it means to insert herself into their lives.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It can also be good to plan dinners far in advance and let the daughter know so she has time to turn it over in her head.

Op here. That is the one request the daughter has made and I have never ever come to dinner without her having ample warning. We 100% respect that boundary but she still will run away or not join.

She wants the warning so that she can avoid the dinner. Duh.