Serious relationship with divorced dad
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Anonymous
Eyeroll. There's plenty of "love" to go around, in theory. But the OP should acknowledge that the kids are getting less time and attention from their father because he is dating. Time with him with another woman there is just not the same. OP, can you see how a woman with younger children brings a lot of negatives into a teenager's life? Try to acknowledge the practicalities here. Why does the mom have only 30% custody, yet the daughter spends time at her dad's house even during the mom's custody time? Something is weird here. And if her relationship with her mother is a difficult one, that's going to make a step-parent relationship really fraught. It's not your fault but it is what it is, and a teenager's not going to suddenly just stop caring about this because you want to date her dad and not deal with it. |
Anonymous
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OP, maybe you aren't that great. I haven't liked the people my parents have dated. It's not because I'm sad about my parents' divorce, it's because my parents don't make good relationship choices (that's why they're divorced from each other). My dad's girlfriends come around all ass-kissy, telling me that they loooove him soooo muuuuuch. Well, I know they'll eventually find out that he's kind of a jerk, so it's a little awkward for me to have that conversation. And they're all annoying hippie-dippy women that talk about their chakras and their adult children are always on drugs, and I just have no interest in spending any time on any of them. My mom's boyfriend is the one she had an affair with, and he's a slob and makes her house gross. He's underemployed and has no retirement savings so she's going to have to bankroll him eventually, but she's totally in denial of it. So I can't really support the relationship. They'd both love to believe that I'm just still in so much pain, poor pathetic me, so stuck in the past. But really, their dating choices are not very good and I don't have to support it. So when she says it isn't personal to you, maybe don't totally believe her. It's more socially acceptable for her to say it isn't personal. But maybe you aren't as wonderful as you think you are.
Your reluctance to acknowledge that your relationship with her father holds real drawbacks for her is concerning. This will never work if you can't get real. |
Anonymous
He's going to have to settle for something other than the family life he would prefer. Just like she is. Also, dating is not a need, it's a want. Especially dating a particular individual. Lots of people are single. He has the right to do it, but it isn't a need. |
Anonymous
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OP, I'm a divorced dad with two teenage daughters. I recently broke up with a longish term partner (nearly a year versus four) because of similar dynamics that you describe. Everyone is different, but let me give you my perspective and my reaction to the things you have written.
My first reaction is the daughter's feelings and reactions are normal and are to be respected. The first thing I told my now-ex GF was that my kids come first and if I was ever put in a position where I had to choose between them and a relationship with her, she would lose. I don't think she liked that very much, but I wanted to be very clear about my position. This doesn't mean I'd give up at first blush, but my kids are still reeling a little from the divorce and above all need stability. My promise to myself (and to them) is no woman would EVERY live in my house so long as they were living there (and maybe not even after they go to college -- I don't wish to share space again with a woman for a long, long time) The biggest thing I take away from your post is it's all about what YOU want. YOU want to "move forward" and have defined that as spending a tremendous amount of time with the boyfriend, including in his space and being a part of his family celebrations, traditions, etc. No where did you describe this desire as mutual. When my now-ex GF and I got together, she said she defined a relationship as seeing each other a couple of times a week. That seemed like a good amount of frequency to me, as I'm a pretty independent person and I like my alone time, especially now that I'm no longer married. Very quickly, however, it became clear that what the way she actually defined a "relationship" was basically daily in-person contact. She also expected to have an ongoing texting exchange during the day, starting with one first thing in the morning, when she didn't spend the night. And, even when she did NOT see me on a day, usually because I told her I needed some time alone with my kids, she made it clear this was an EXCEPTION and acted like she was going out of her way to give me "space." In her mind, the default was constant togetherness. This is just how she defines a "relationship." At first my kids liked her well enough. But over time, she started needing (and expecting) more and more things from me. Mostly this was in the form of emotional support as she lurched from crisis to crisis (none of which were her fault, but were stressful anyway). And then financial needs started to creep in. I found myself reluctantly crossing one financial line about a month before breaking up in making a big needed purchase for her because it was an emergency (I had promised myself I wouldn't assist financially). And then, suddenly, she started couch-surfing at a friend's (because she didn't want to be in her place, which was farther out). And then basically she announced she was going to stay at my place for a weekend … that turned into a week. In the meantime, my daughter, who also floats between my ex-wife's and my place, was back at my house early since my ex-wife and other daughter were ill. But, she was also AVOIDING my house to stay at friends. Finally she told me it was out of discomfort because she felt like the girlfriend was effectively living in my house and making increasing demands on my time. She felt like she couldn't just hang with me when the GF was there and also she felt like the GF was basically becoming a freeloader since I did all the cooking, etc. while she basically sat on a couch and stared at her phone. And there was this surreal moment where I found myself one night making dinner for myself, the GF, and the GF's daughter, who is a nice kid but was basically starting to squat in my house with her mom, while my OWN CHILD was avoiding the house. It was messed up. So, I realized that moment of having to choose between the daughter and the GF had come. Throughout the relationship, I had tried to set some boundaries with the GF from time to time but I was also trying to keep everyone happy -- the kids, the GF, etc. This is, unfortunately, a tendency I have -- it's why I stayed in a bad marriage as long as I did, and it's something I am working on with my therapist. But push had come to shove. And I realized that 1) Daughter wasn't comfortable in her own home and it didn't matter whether or not that was a valid feeling, she has a right to feel comfortable in her own home. (2) GF wasn't respecting (1) because GF wanted to "move forward" ---- it was becoming clear she wanted to be taken care of, and I've already got enough people to take care of, including an ex-wife who receives considerable alimony, etc. And when I basically told her this, her response was to attack my daughter as selfish and criticize the way my ex and I handle custody. So, that led to conclusion (3) I didn't want to "move forward." I wanted the original deal -- see each other a couple of times a week but have our own lives, but not try to get all domestic. So, I broke up with her. I sent her and her daughter home the next day and apologized to my daughter, who then came home and has been home ever since. So, I ask you, OP -- what does your BOYFRIEND want? Like REALLY want? Does he also want to "move forward?" Or is he trying to keep everyone happy? |
Anonymous
This! Is your BF the classic divorced dad, who wants the relationship, wants to be a good father, but there just isn't a way to keep everyone happy or he doesn't have the interpersonal skills to manage it? Is he just telling you what you want to hear, OP? What does he really actually want? I bet it isn't this. |
Anonymous
You, you, you. You want, you want, you want. She doesn't have to care what you want! And you need to acknowledge that you want far, far more than dropping by from time to time. You want to move in together (so she loses her primary home or it is massively altered), be married to her dad, change up all her family vacations and traditions, have him spend a lot of time with you and probably also parenting your kids (making him a lot less available to her), and you want her to make a convincing performance of being happy about all of it even if she doesn't actually feel that way. She's not allowed to feel the way she actually feels in her own home. If my teenager behaved this way to a neighbor who dropped by, that would be unacceptable. But that's not who you are. That's not what's happening here. This will never work if you can't get real about what you're doing here. |
Anonymous
Her family will never be intact again, and that’s not OP’s fault. Little miss needs to gain some perspective. She doesn’t have to be friends with OP, but being rude is entirely unacceptable and would be punished in my household. |
Anonymous
Being an imposition and overstaying one’s welcome is equally rude and daughter’s reaction to that is more exasperation than rudeness |
Anonymous
It's not OP's fault, but the point is, everyone here is going to have to settle for a family life that is different from what they really wanted. And that includes OP. OP can talk all day about what she wants, and what she perceives to be her "needs", but that's not going to be very persuasive to a child who very much wanted an intact family and isn't getting it. |
Anonymous
OP is the one who needs to gain some perspective. She needs to acknowledge that her presence means big changes for the children, that in the short term are mostly negative. Where did you go, OP? |
Anonymous
I don’t allow my children to dictate when and for how long my friends are allowed to come over. If OP’s boyfriend invites OP over, she’s an invited guest. Besides, did you read OP’s post above? She came by to drop off a computer cord, and as soon as she arrived, the daughter ran upstairs grumbling. Your argument that she’s overstayed her welcome can hardly apply to this situation. She needs to be called back downstairs and asked to politely acknowledge OP. Then she can go upstairs and wallow in her hormonal misery. |
Anonymous
| OP - I have a teenage daughter who is 18. Years 16-18 can be very difficult with girls. Be very patient and wait until she goes to college. I bet things will improve. Back off for now. Don’t go to the pool or their house as that is her territory. Respect her and I bet she will come through once she matured. Otherwise she might be forever resentful. Blending families is usually incredibly complicated. Kids come first. Your wants are not that important - seriously! Be the adult here. |
Anonymous
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I bet OP frequently comes up with reasons to drop by, like the computer cord, which turn into entire evenings spent at Dad’s house.
Dad is probably also annoyed by the clinginess and lack of boundaries, but doesn’t know how to tell OP. Daughter picks up on that and is behaving accordingly. |
Anonymous
I bet she just “drops by” a lot. And this has nothing to do with a child dictating anything and everything to do with a valid reaction to what appears to be OP being constantly around. It doesn’t sound like this behavior started overnight. OP is clearly trying to insert herself into their lives. |
Anonymous
09:40 here. This is exactly what happened in my situation. And frankly, my daughter saw clearly. Ex-GF wasn’t a bad person but she was definitely clingy and definitely had her own long-term agenda about “moving forward” that was more unilaterally developed than she probably wanted to admit to herself. |