Serious relationship with divorced dad

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’d just wait it out until she leaves for college. If marriage is your intention then get married the year after she goes to college. Why the rush? As for family time on your boyfriend’s custody time, give up on that and invite your BF to spend time with your kids at your house when he doesn’t have custody.

Do you have 50% custody? My friend lives with her 2nd husband and her kids when she has custody in an Apt in the City. When it’s her DH’s custody time with the kids then he lives with his kids (not her or her kids) in a house in the burbs near his Ex-wife. Maybe something like that would work for you if you.

My gut instinct is the DD is immature, doesn’t think your good enough for her Dad (she has taken on sort of the hostess/wife role in his house) and resents you for trying to ruin that and/or thinks she’ll become the built in babysitter for your kids if you have “family” time. Does DD cook? Do the laundry? Or otherwise has taken on hostess duties at her Dad’s house?

I don't have 50/50 custody. Neither does my BF. He has 70% with quite a bit of the remainder time being filled with his children in and out of his house. So we both have our hands full and seeing each 2X a month (for our free weekends) is getting difficult. I think you are correct that she's immature and my BF says I've taken too much of a quiet role in all of this--because I don't engage her at all. I do that so that she doesn't feel the need to converse with me (when it's clear she doesn't want to) but I am starting to rethink this. I don't believe she has the social skills or maturity to engage me. I need to engage her. I'm just so afraid of the rudeness. And i so rarely see her because she's quick to take off. Her mom says she's stubborn and loyal but to give her time. She suggests that the less attention is given to this issue, the more likely she'll come around. I guess that's true but my BF does feel the need to correct very rude behavior. Should he just let it slide?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’d just wait it out until she leaves for college. If marriage is your intention then get married the year after she goes to college. Why the rush? As for family time on your boyfriend’s custody time, give up on that and invite your BF to spend time with your kids at your house when he doesn’t have custody.

Do you have 50% custody? My friend lives with her 2nd husband and her kids when she has custody in an Apt in the City. When it’s her DH’s custody time with the kids then he lives with his kids (not her or her kids) in a house in the burbs near his Ex-wife. Maybe something like that would work for you if you.

My gut instinct is the DD is immature, doesn’t think your good enough for her Dad (she has taken on sort of the hostess/wife role in his house) and resents you for trying to ruin that and/or thinks she’ll become the built in babysitter for your kids if you have “family” time. Does DD cook? Do the laundry? Or otherwise has taken on hostess duties at her Dad’s house?

I don't have 50/50 custody. Neither does my BF. He has 70% with quite a bit of the remainder time being filled with his children in and out of his house. So we both have our hands full and seeing each 2X a month (for our free weekends) is getting difficult. I think you are correct that she's immature and my BF says I've taken too much of a quiet role in all of this--because I don't engage her at all. I do that so that she doesn't feel the need to converse with me (when it's clear she doesn't want to) but I am starting to rethink this. I don't believe she has the social skills or maturity to engage me. I need to engage her. I'm just so afraid of the rudeness. And i so rarely see her because she's quick to take off. Her mom says she's stubborn and loyal but to give her time. She suggests that the less attention is given to this issue, the more likely she'll come around. I guess that's true but my BF does feel the need to correct very rude behavior. Should he just let it slide?

OP--to clarify, I am very courteous to her by greeting her etc but I dont sit next to her and ask her about her day etc. If and when she's chosen to participate in the conversation, I eagerly engage but I dont pester her. Again, she's rarely there--most often hiding but quickly coming down to eat and then run.

[Anonymous]

Giant RED FLAG that Boyfriend allows rude behavior towards you from DD. Absolutely, not acceptable. It’s one thing she is an immature rude teen, it’s another he allows it.

Couples counseling or split. Checkout StepTalk.org for lots of advice from those who have BTDT.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I remember what I used to say to myself when I had toddlers. It's a phase. It will pass. Give her time. No pressure, just be nice and don't react to her being cold. Things will get better.

I agree.

She’s being silly and unreasonable, as some adolescents are wont to do. Be very courteous, but there is no need to change your plans.

It's not silly and unreasonable to dislike, and not want to be around, a divorced parent's new partner. Normal and natural.

If you get divorced, you just have to accept "your future partner's kids will resent you" as a cost of doing business.

I think girls are harder than boys in this scenario most of the time.

Probably girls resent their dad's girlfriend, but boys hate, hate, hate their mom's boyfriend. It is much harder to be a dad dealing with stepsons than to be a mom dealing with stepdaughters.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Giant RED FLAG that Boyfriend allows rude behavior towards you from DD. Absolutely, not acceptable. It’s one thing she is an immature rude teen, it’s another he allows it.

Couples counseling or split. Checkout StepTalk.org for lots of advice from those who have BTDT.

OP here.
He doesn’t allow it. He has addressed it with her several times. He’s at a loss. Her mom has also addressed it with her. Nothing is helping. My BF just doesn’t want to make this the only thing they talk about so yes, he lets some of her behavior slide.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP again. I guess at the end of it, my question is as follows---do I just be patient with this and accept that I'll be greeted with hostility going forward or do I cut my losses? I would never ask my boyfriend to chose me over his daughter and this isn't about that but if he had the choice between having Christmas with his children and me not being there so his daughter could be there, then it's obvious what he's going to pick. I am struggling with how to make sense out of all of this because obviously i have no experience with any of it but we both would like to be operating as a family soon-ish. We want everyone to be at least accepting of it.

Stick it out. She'll get over it and mature eventually. She'll definitely change a lot once she heads off the college. That's just 2 years away.

He should pick both of you to be there. If she chooses not to be there because of your presence, that is her choice. I think he needs to stop being gentle and be more firm. It is not ok to be rude to another human being. She needs to be polite to all adults, including you.

[Anonymous]

Do you bring your kids to BF’s house? If I was a teen, I’d hide in my room as well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do you bring your kids to BF’s house? If I was a teen, I’d hide in my room as well.

OP. No, I don't. Our kids dont mingle. They've met but they're for the most part kept apart because of this issue.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do you bring your kids to BF’s house? If I was a teen, I’d hide in my room as well.

OP. No, I don't. Our kids dont mingle. They've met but they're for the most part kept apart because of this issue.

Do you also have 70% custody? If so, how do you find the free time to go over to BF’s house all the time?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP again. I guess at the end of it, my question is as follows---do I just be patient with this and accept that I'll be greeted with hostility going forward or do I cut my losses? I would never ask my boyfriend to chose me over his daughter and this isn't about that but if he had the choice between having Christmas with his children and me not being there so his daughter could be there, then it's obvious what he's going to pick. I am struggling with how to make sense out of all of this because obviously i have no experience with any of it but we both would like to be operating as a family soon-ish. We want everyone to be at least accepting of it.

Stick it out. She'll get over it and mature eventually. She'll definitely change a lot once she heads off the college. That's just 2 years away.

He should pick both of you to be there. If she chooses not to be there because of your presence, that is her choice. I think he needs to stop being gentle and be more firm. It is not ok to be rude to another human being. She needs to be polite to all adults, including you.

OP here. That's how my BF is now handling this but I worry that he's stuck in a very difficult situation. For example, I was going to join them on their Spring Break (before COVID) towards the end of it (for that one weekend) but we all knew that for anything happening on those days, she'd opt to stay back. It sucks for my BF because he wants her there. We all do. I purposefully didn't join them on all of their Spring break because of this issue. Anyway, spring break is a moot point now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do you bring your kids to BF’s house? If I was a teen, I’d hide in my room as well.

OP. No, I don't. Our kids dont mingle. They've met but they're for the most part kept apart because of this issue.

Do you also have 70% custody? If so, how do you find the free time to go over to BF’s house all the time?

I don't. I have my kids all the time but once a week and every other weekend during the school year and every other week in the summer. But like I said, his kids are in and out of his time regardless of custody time. So this is what is happening on 'non-custody' time so to speak.

[Anonymous]

Stop forcing a “Family” ....it doesn’t work that way. You will always be the interloper and outsider. It was their Family Vacation, no one wanted you there except your BF. Drill that in your mind.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do you bring your kids to BF’s house? If I was a teen, I’d hide in my room as well.

OP. No, I don't. Our kids dont mingle. They've met but they're for the most part kept apart because of this issue.

Do you also have 70% custody? If so, how do you find the free time to go over to BF’s house all the time?

I don't. I have my kids all the time but once a week and every other weekend during the school year and every other week in the summer. But like I said, his kids are in and out of his time regardless of custody time. So this is what is happening on 'non-custody' time so to speak.

Simple. Have BF come to your house.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Stop forcing a “Family” ....it doesn’t work that way. You will always be the interloper and outsider. It was their Family Vacation, no one wanted you there except your BF. Drill that in your mind.

OP here. FINE. Then it's not the relationship for me because how does one move forward with this???? Does everyone else feel this way? I have no experience with this. I see lots of friends dating divorced dads of teens and none seem to have an issue this acute.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do you bring your kids to BF’s house? If I was a teen, I’d hide in my room as well.

OP. No, I don't. Our kids dont mingle. They've met but they're for the most part kept apart because of this issue.

Do you also have 70% custody? If so, how do you find the free time to go over to BF’s house all the time?

I don't. I have my kids all the time but once a week and every other weekend during the school year and every other week in the summer. But like I said, his kids are in and out of his time regardless of custody time. So this is what is happening on 'non-custody' time so to speak.

Simple. Have BF come to your house.

OP here. That's what happens mostly. My BF thinks that's letting her 'win' and would like me there more--mostly because he doesn't like being away from is place for entire weekends twice a month.