Serious relationship with divorced dad

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP again. “Operate as a family” means spending a weekend of spring break together—as an example. Again, not crashing their entire spring break but being able to join them for the last weekend and do Easter with them. Also, I’ve met the rest of my boyfriends family and everyone is very welcoming. They want me there. It wasn’t my idea.

Can't you understand that a weekend with you and your younger children is not very appealing to her? She doesn't want to share her already reduced time with her father! Get a clue.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A lot of kids - girls especially - are dicks at that age. I was.

Maybe just keep doing what you're doing, try not to take it personally and at some point she will realize she's being a dick and needs to stop taking her feelings out on you.

Thank you for this perspective. This is what my BF keeps encouraging me to do. It's hard to walk into a house and have someone run upstairs. But I will persevere. Again, like i said, it's not often that we run into one another but we want to move things forward--and by that i mean, see each other more.

New poster here. It’s not personal although it feels that way. To some extent you have to ignore it. If she chooses to take herself out of things and go to her room, while everyone else is having fun, that’s her choice. My teenage daughter gets that way where she is mad at the world and we don’t understand her and she is persecuted in life. So it is part “woe is me”. The other part though is she is trying to “punish” us and make things difficult perhaps thinking it would change our mind the next time. It’s the satisfaction of you made me mad so now I am doing the same to you, and it’s maybe a sense of control. I’ve learned that you can’t win a power struggle. It didn’t work with potty training, doesn’t work with food, and doesn’t work whatever thing teenager is upset about. I can however have natural consequences to choices she makes and when she is calm enough to talk, have conversations about things. It’s an older version of toddler having a tantrum. I wouldn’t say to wait until college because these days there are no guarantees she goes away to college or doesn’t boomerang back. Also, once she is an adult it might not be going to her room, it might be taking the car somewhere or going off with some guy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It can also be good to plan dinners far in advance and let the daughter know so she has time to turn it over in her head.

Op here. That is the one request the daughter has made and I have never ever come to dinner without her having ample warning. We 100% respect that boundary but she still will run away or not join.

She wants the warning so that she can avoid the dinner. Duh.

Op here-yes, obviously. But what do you suggest we do? How does one move forward so she accepts this? By me staying away ??

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:And OP here again. She’s met my kids ONCE. At the pool. Her dad has specifically told her we will not be Brady branching it at any time soon.

Except that you want to spend Easter together. She knows perfectly well that you WANT to make her spend a lot more time with you and your children. It doesn't matter that it isn't happening yet. She knows what you are pushing for and she doesn't like it. Why would she?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP again. “Operate as a family” means spending a weekend of spring break together—as an example. Again, not crashing their entire spring break but being able to join them for the last weekend and do Easter with them. Also, I’ve met the rest of my boyfriends family and everyone is very welcoming. They want me there. It wasn’t my idea.

Can't you understand that a weekend with you and your younger children is not very appealing to her? She doesn't want to share her already reduced time with her father! Get a clue.

Op here. Spring break would be just ME. Again, no one is intermingling our kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:And OP here again. She’s met my kids ONCE. At the pool. Her dad has specifically told her we will not be Brady branching it at any time soon.

Except that you want to spend Easter together. She knows perfectly well that you WANT to make her spend a lot more time with you and your children. It doesn't matter that it isn't happening yet. She knows what you are pushing for and she doesn't like it. Why would she?

Op-Easter is just ME. Again.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:OP here. I get it. This is hard. It is hard to know how to navigate the waters on what is best for everyone—including me! I’m not afraid to put my needs in the picture and that’s what prompted the post. Also, I’m concerned that this issue is alienating my boyfriend’s daughter from her father. I don’t want to do that. He doesn’t want her to be rude. He wants me to be able to drop by from time to time and have her not run away. It is all very hard. Here is an example: I just stopped by this afternoon to drop off his computer chord. She was watching tv on the couch with the back to the door. I cheerfully say hello, she grumbles something without turning around and then stomps upstairs. This is rude. Isn’t it? Would you want your teenager behaving this way if anyone walked through the door?!? Also, am I supposed to feel fuzzy by this behavior? How do I proceed?

Anyway, I left shortly after because I had things to do but I don’t have my kids tonight and under normal circumstances, I would love to have spent the evening there (not even the night). Yes, these are MY needs. I am allowed to have needs. Not saying they supersede that of anyone else’s but clearly there is a huge issue.

Your needs are in no way relevant or important for her. They never will be. She doesn't want to be in your family, doesn't like you, and it probably won't change. Who cares if she has a good reason or not. Cut and run. Divorce sucks for kids. She deserved an intact family and will have to live life without it, and it wasn't her fault.

Her family will never be intact again, and that’s not OP’s fault[/b]. Little miss needs to gain some perspective. She doesn’t have to be friends with OP, but being rude is entirely unacceptable and would be punished in my household.

Being an imposition and overstaying one’s welcome is equally rude and daughter’s reaction to that is more exasperation than rudeness

I don’t allow my children to dictate when and for how long my friends are allowed to come over. If OP’s boyfriend invites OP over, she’s an invited guest. Besides, did you read OP’s post above? She came by to drop off a computer cord, and as soon as she arrived, the daughter ran upstairs grumbling. Your argument that she’s overstayed her welcome can hardly apply to this situation. She needs to be called back downstairs and asked to politely acknowledge OP. Then she can go upstairs and wallow in her hormonal misery.

I bet she just “drops by” a lot. And this has nothing to do with a child dictating anything and everything to do with a valid reaction to what appears to be OP being constantly around. It doesn’t sound like this behavior started overnight. OP is clearly trying to insert herself into their lives.

This. It's not just a drop-by, it's an attempt to gradually inculcate herself more and more into the family life. The daughter's response is based on what the OP is actually doing, not what she's pretending she's doing to make herself feel like she's not doing anything objectionable.

OP is not “trying to insert herself into their lives”, she *is* part of their lives. She has been their father’s partner for 4 years. She’s not some fly by night girlfriend—she is a firmly established part of their lives, by her boyfriend’s wishes.

She is a part of her boyfriend's life, but not his children's lives, becauae she does not or can not spend very much time with them. She is trying to "operate as a family" and vacation together, which right now they are not doing. That ia exactly what it means to insert herself into their lives.

She was going to spend *part* of their vacation with them, because her boyfriend invited her to do so. He is allowed to have desires, she is allowed to have desires, the daughter is allowed to have desires. But no one person gets what they want all the time. Spending part of their vacation together allows the boyfriend time with his daughter, as well as time with his girlfriend. Why are you painting OP as some ruthless hustler?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP again. “Operate as a family” means spending a weekend of spring break together—as an example. Again, not crashing their entire spring break but being able to join them for the last weekend and do Easter with them. Also, I’ve met the rest of my boyfriends family and everyone is very welcoming. They want me there. It wasn’t my idea.

Can't you understand that a weekend with you and your younger children is not very appealing to her? She doesn't want to share her already reduced time with her father! Get a clue.

Op here. Spring break would be just ME. Again, no one is intermingling our kids.

But you want to intermingle eventually, and she knows it. She has a better grasp of this situation than you do, and she doesn't want to give you an inch because you'll take a mile.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I bet OP frequently comes up with reasons to drop by, like the computer cord, which turn into entire evenings spent at Dad’s house.

Dad is probably also annoyed by the clinginess and lack of boundaries, but doesn’t know how to tell OP. Daughter picks up on that and is behaving accordingly.

Op here—no, OP doesn’t frequently stop by. Op has young kids and is normally very busy in her own house but with covid, they’re with my exDH for an unexpected week. I actually prefer to not go over for all the reasons cited by other PPs. I’m very respectful of her space and I don’t know how to drill that to you guys.

Her mom only has 30% custody because she doesn’t live in the school boundary and she has a tiny apartment which is why the kids metro over to their dads home-which is their family home.

I very much want to be respectful and understanding but like one PP said, if I’m invited over, I want to be able to come over. My boyfriend has reached his limits with his daughter because it isn’t like he hasn’t given her time to adjust and it isn’t like he doesn’t give her a lot of his time without me. He wants to be happy too and that includes me—but obviously he wants his daughter to accept her family isn’t going to be intact. For what it’s worth, he’s been divorced 7 years but I’m the first woman he’s introduced to his children.

OP has “young kids?” Oh, there’s another reason for the hostility. 16 yo doesn’t want her father tied down to a second family.

[Anonymous]

How long has your boyfriend been divorced?

[Anonymous]

OP is ruthless, she's just clueless. She wants what she wants, which she is never going to get. Something about OP rubs daughter the wrong way. She is going to chase you off, and guess what--she will probably love dad's next girlfriend. It feels personal because it is personal. I don't spend a lot of time trying to "create a family" with people who don't like me. This isn't hard except OP doesn't like the reality of it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP again. “Operate as a family” means spending a weekend of spring break together—as an example. Again, not crashing their entire spring break but being able to join them for the last weekend and do Easter with them. Also, I’ve met the rest of my boyfriends family and everyone is very welcoming. They want me there. It wasn’t my idea.

Can't you understand that a weekend with you and your younger children is not very appealing to her? She doesn't want to share her already reduced time with her father! Get a clue.

Op here. Spring break would be just ME. Again, no one is intermingling our kids.

But you want to intermingle eventually, and she knows it. She has a better grasp of this situation than you do, and she doesn't want to give you an inch because you'll take a mile.

Ok. So she wins. Her dad and I can break up. Is that what you’re suggesting? Or do we stay in some sort of relationship limbo?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It can also be good to plan dinners far in advance and let the daughter know so she has time to turn it over in her head.

Op here. That is the one request the daughter has made and I have never ever come to dinner without her having ample warning. We 100% respect that boundary but she still will run away or not join.

She wants the warning so that she can avoid the dinner. Duh.

Op here-yes, obviously. But what do you suggest we do? How does one move forward so she accepts this? By me staying away ??

Maybe! We don't always get what we want in life. Not all families are blendable. Not all marriages are save-able. There is no right to date whoever you want and make other people like it. Your boyfriend needs to decide what he wants to do and if he's willing to jeopardize his relationship with his daughter over it. It may not feel fair to you, but tjis is what it is.

This kind of thing is why so many second marriages fail. Teens are hard and there are not a lot of good options.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:OP here. I get it. This is hard. It is hard to know how to navigate the waters on what is best for everyone—including me! I’m not afraid to put my needs in the picture and that’s what prompted the post. Also, I’m concerned that this issue is alienating my boyfriend’s daughter from her father. I don’t want to do that. He doesn’t want her to be rude. He wants me to be able to drop by from time to time and have her not run away. It is all very hard. Here is an example: I just stopped by this afternoon to drop off his computer chord. She was watching tv on the couch with the back to the door. I cheerfully say hello, she grumbles something without turning around and then stomps upstairs. This is rude. Isn’t it? Would you want your teenager behaving this way if anyone walked through the door?!? Also, am I supposed to feel fuzzy by this behavior? How do I proceed?

Anyway, I left shortly after because I had things to do but I don’t have my kids tonight and under normal circumstances, I would love to have spent the evening there (not even the night). Yes, these are MY needs. I am allowed to have needs. Not saying they supersede that of anyone else’s but clearly there is a huge issue.

Your needs are in no way relevant or important for her. They never will be. She doesn't want to be in your family, doesn't like you, and it probably won't change. Who cares if she has a good reason or not. Cut and run. Divorce sucks for kids. She deserved an intact family and will have to live life without it, and it wasn't her fault.

Her family will never be intact again, and that’s not OP’s fault[/b]. Little miss needs to gain some perspective. She doesn’t have to be friends with OP, but being rude is entirely unacceptable and would be punished in my household.

Being an imposition and overstaying one’s welcome is equally rude and daughter’s reaction to that is more exasperation than rudeness

I don’t allow my children to dictate when and for how long my friends are allowed to come over. If OP’s boyfriend invites OP over, she’s an invited guest. Besides, did you read OP’s post above? She came by to drop off a computer cord, and as soon as she arrived, the daughter ran upstairs grumbling. Your argument that she’s overstayed her welcome can hardly apply to this situation. She needs to be called back downstairs and asked to politely acknowledge OP. Then she can go upstairs and wallow in her hormonal misery.

I bet she just “drops by” a lot. And this has nothing to do with a child dictating anything and everything to do with a valid reaction to what appears to be OP being constantly around. It doesn’t sound like this behavior started overnight. OP is clearly trying to insert herself into their lives.

This. It's not just a drop-by, it's an attempt to gradually inculcate herself more and more into the family life. The daughter's response is based on what the OP is actually doing, not what she's pretending she's doing to make herself feel like she's not doing anything objectionable.

OP is not “trying to insert herself into their lives”, she *is* part of their lives. She has been their father’s partner for 4 years. She’s not some fly by night girlfriend—she is a firmly established part of their lives, by her boyfriend’s wishes.

She is a part of her boyfriend's life, but not his children's lives, becauae she does not or can not spend very much time with them. She is trying to "operate as a family" and vacation together, which right now they are not doing. That ia exactly what it means to insert herself into their lives.

She was going to spend *part* of their vacation with them, because her boyfriend invited her to do so. He is allowed to have desires, she is allowed to have desires, the daughter is allowed to have desires. But no one person gets what they want all the time. Spending part of their vacation together allows the boyfriend time with his daughter, as well as time with his girlfriend. Why are you painting OP as some ruthless hustler?

Did he though?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP again. “Operate as a family” means spending a weekend of spring break together—as an example. Again, not crashing their entire spring break but being able to join them for the last weekend and do Easter with them. Also, I’ve met the rest of my boyfriends family and everyone is very welcoming. They want me there. It wasn’t my idea.

Can't you understand that a weekend with you and your younger children is not very appealing to her? She doesn't want to share her already reduced time with her father! Get a clue.

Op here. Spring break would be just ME. Again, no one is intermingling our kids.

But you want to intermingle eventually, and she knows it. She has a better grasp of this situation than you do, and she doesn't want to give you an inch because you'll take a mile.

Ok. So she wins. Her dad and I can break up. Is that what you’re suggesting? Or do we stay in some sort of relationship limbo?

Yes, I think those are the choices: Breaking up or “limbo” as you put it. Which brings us back to the question you are avoiding: What does HE want in the relationship? It sounds like you have grown impatient with status quo. He may be perfectly fine with it. You are pushing for something “more” and the daughter senses it and doesn’t like it.

You may THINK you are being respectful and may intend that. But your actions may send a different signal.