Serious relationship with divorced dad

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:stay away during his custody time

Op here. I do completely.

That's not at all what you said. You seem to change the story to suit your narrative.

Op here. Here is when I’ve intruded on her custody time—last week because of Covid—I came over. In the summer, once or twice. And a couple of times for specific events—she’s come over to my house or we’ve done the activities cited. Again, I’ve been dating her father for 4 years. I have never ever slept over during custody time.

But you wanted to intrude on her spring break weekend with him. Don't you understand? Open your eyes. This isn't about what's happening now. It's about what you WANT to do, what you are PLANNING to do. She knows that this is what it's about. And you do too, when you're not being willfully obtuse.

Op here. No. I didn’t want to intrude which is why I suggested just joining one weekend and not the entire week. This was a compromise so they can have their spring break. But at some point, something had to give...and my boyfriends family invited me. I am not going to keep hiding.

Don't be obtuse. You did want to intrude on the weekend. And this is about the long term. You WANT to marry him eventually, right? And you are PLANNING to move in together eventually, right? That's what you said and I suspect she knows it. You want, and he wants, to foist you into the family against his daughter's wishes. "Something" does not "have" to give. You chose to intrude. That's what's happening here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP again. “Operate as a family” means spending a weekend of spring break together—as an example. Again, not crashing their entire spring break but being able to join them for the last weekend and do Easter with them. Also, I’ve met the rest of my boyfriends family and everyone is very welcoming. They want me there. It wasn’t my idea.

Can't you understand that a weekend with you and your younger children is not very appealing to her? She doesn't want to share her already reduced time with her father! Get a clue.

Op here. Spring break would be just ME. Again, no one is intermingling our kids.

But you want to intermingle eventually, and she knows it. She has a better grasp of this situation than you do, and she doesn't want to give you an inch because you'll take a mile.

Ok. So she wins. Her dad and I can break up. Is that what you’re suggesting? Or do we stay in some sort of relationship limbo?

OP: like you I’m divorced and in a long term relationship where there are difficulties with the daughter. In your case you just have to wait 2 years and the daughter is off to college. Perhaps the path of least resistance is to wait for her to go keep playing the long game. If that Is what you want

Yes, I think those are the choices: Breaking up or “limbo” as you put it. Which brings us back to the question you are avoiding: What does HE want in the relationship? It sounds like you have grown impatient with status quo. He may be perfectly fine with it. You are pushing for something “more” and the daughter senses it and doesn’t like it.

You may THINK you are being respectful and may intend that. But your actions may send a different signal.

OP here---HE wants to move forward because HE is tired of always being away from his house. HE wants me to come over more often because HE doesn't always want to be away from his community, his home and his chores. HE wants to be able to spend time with me and his children. He is tired of living the separate worlds we have been living so HE wants to move forward also. So that's what he wants. Again, we have been dating for 4 years. This has been well thought out--or so we thought. HE doesn't want her to be unhappy but HE is also upset and aghast that she's behaving this way. SO IS HER MOM. So you guys can pile it on me all you want but I will pick and chose between your advice. I very much understand this isn't ideal and I get that you dont get ideal with blended families. My younger kids very much also prefer their time alone with me (because their dad remarried a woman with lots of kids) and I respect their wishes. SO BOTH MY BF and I very much have our respective homes and lives but we also would like to inch this forward. His other kids and my kids do their best to tolerate it, even enjoy it. His older son (senior) has a very "IDGAF" attitude but he's always polite and doesn't run away in a huff.

Wow. Your boyfriend is all about what he wants. You are all about what you want. You two are perfect for each other. I feel sorry for the girl whom everyone wants to force into a relationship she has clearly expressed she has no interest in participating in.

Speaking of forcing into relationships - there is a principle of consent at play here. The girl has expressed that she doesn’t fee comfortable around you. She has said, “No” but neither you nor Dad are listening to her. You are too busy explaining why she should accept you, how she should behave in the way you consider polite, how she is a drama queen, how she misunderstands who is at fault in the divorce and whether she is depressed. BF is too busy focusing on how he wants his life to be. Neither of you respect the “No”. You two are not that different than a creepy guy who keeps asking for a date and explaining why the girl shouldn’t say no.

Wow, what a stretch, equating this to a creepy guy. It’s hard to even take you seriously. OP has done everything right when it comes to dating someone who is divorced yet you still want to crucify her. Let me guess, you’re either a scorned ex-wife or some super judgmental married-for-20-sexless years ivory tower type.

The daughter is acting like a spoiled brat and probably just wants to get her way or exercise some form of control over her parents and this is her way of doing it. Yes she should get therapy. But OP and her BF have done absolutely nothing wrong here.

This is what happens in broken families.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:stay away during his custody time

Op here. I do completely.

That's not at all what you said. You seem to change the story to suit your narrative.

Op here. Here is when I’ve intruded on her custody time—last week because of Covid—I came over. In the summer, once or twice. And a couple of times for specific events—she’s come over to my house or we’ve done the activities cited. Again, I’ve been dating her father for 4 years. I have never ever slept over during custody time.

But you wanted to intrude on her spring break weekend with him. Don't you understand? Open your eyes. This isn't about what's happening now. It's about what you WANT to do, what you are PLANNING to do. She knows that this is what it's about. And you do too, when you're not being willfully obtuse.

Op here. No. I didn’t want to intrude which is why I suggested just joining one weekend and not the entire week. This was a compromise so they can have their spring break. But at some point, something had to give...and my boyfriends family invited me. I am not going to keep hiding.

So you did intrude on his custody time. Why did something have to give? Because you want it to? Sorry but it was intruding and you're not entitled to do it and have her like it.

His family doesn't mind you because you're not trying to move into their houses.

Enough. Divorced parents are allowed to move on. Nothing disrespectful has happened here and your staunch approach is a bit crazy and jaded.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:stay away during his custody time

Op here. I do completely.

That's not at all what you said. You seem to change the story to suit your narrative.

Op here. Here is when I’ve intruded on her custody time—last week because of Covid—I came over. In the summer, once or twice. And a couple of times for specific events—she’s come over to my house or we’ve done the activities cited. Again, I’ve been dating her father for 4 years. I have never ever slept over during custody time.

But you wanted to intrude on her spring break weekend with him. Don't you understand? Open your eyes. This isn't about what's happening now. It's about what you WANT to do, what you are PLANNING to do. She knows that this is what it's about. And you do too, when you're not being willfully obtuse.

Op here. No. I didn’t want to intrude which is why I suggested just joining one weekend and not the entire week. This was a compromise so they can have their spring break. But at some point, something had to give...and my boyfriends family invited me. I am not going to keep hiding.

So you did intrude on his custody time. Why did something have to give? Because you want it to? Sorry but it was intruding and you're not entitled to do it and have her like it.

His family doesn't mind you because you're not trying to move into their houses.

Enough. Divorced parents are allowed to move on. Nothing disrespectful has happened here and your staunch approach is a bit crazy and jaded.

They're allowed to do it, but there's no way to force a teenager to like it. OP doesn't want to admit that she plans to force this on the girl.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:stay away during his custody time

Op here. I do completely.

That's not at all what you said. You seem to change the story to suit your narrative.

Op here. Here is when I’ve intruded on her custody time—last week because of Covid—I came over. In the summer, once or twice. And a couple of times for specific events—she’s come over to my house or we’ve done the activities cited. Again, I’ve been dating her father for 4 years. I have never ever slept over during custody time.

But you wanted to intrude on her spring break weekend with him. Don't you understand? Open your eyes. This isn't about what's happening now. It's about what you WANT to do, what you are PLANNING to do. She knows that this is what it's about. And you do too, when you're not being willfully obtuse.

Op here. No. I didn’t want to intrude which is why I suggested just joining one weekend and not the entire week. This was a compromise so they can have their spring break. But at some point, something had to give...and my boyfriends family invited me. I am not going to keep hiding.

Don't be obtuse. You did want to intrude on the weekend. And this is about the long term. You WANT to marry him eventually, right? And you are PLANNING to move in together eventually, right? That's what you said and I suspect she knows it. You want, and he wants, to foist you into the family against his daughter's wishes. "Something" does not "have" to give. You chose to intrude. That's what's happening here.

+1. OP, stop avoiding responsibility. You chose to force the spring break weekend issue. "Something" does not "have" to give. This was your and your boyfriend's decision and you made it. I don't even disagree with you, but don't pretend it wasn't a choice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:stay away during his custody time

Op here. I do completely.

That's not at all what you said. You seem to change the story to suit your narrative.

Op here. Here is when I’ve intruded on her custody time—last week because of Covid—I came over. In the summer, once or twice. And a couple of times for specific events—she’s come over to my house or we’ve done the activities cited. Again, I’ve been dating her father for 4 years. I have never ever slept over during custody time.

But you wanted to intrude on her spring break weekend with him. Don't you understand? Open your eyes. This isn't about what's happening now. It's about what you WANT to do, what you are PLANNING to do. She knows that this is what it's about. And you do too, when you're not being willfully obtuse.

Op here. No. I didn’t want to intrude which is why I suggested just joining one weekend and not the entire week. This was a compromise so they can have their spring break. But at some point, something had to give...and my boyfriends family invited me. I am not going to keep hiding.

Don't be obtuse. You did want to intrude on the weekend. And this is about the long term. You WANT to marry him eventually, right? And you are PLANNING to move in together eventually, right? That's what you said and I suspect she knows it. You want, and he wants, to foist you into the family against his daughter's wishes. "Something" does not "have" to give. You chose to intrude. That's what's happening here.

+1. OP, stop avoiding responsibility. You chose to force the spring break weekend issue. "Something" does not "have" to give. This was your and your boyfriend's decision and you made it. I don't even disagree with you, but don't pretend it wasn't a choice.

How is spring break even an issue? Some school systems still have classes that were rescheduled. You should not be traveling with the virus.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:stay away during his custody time

Op here. I do completely.

That's not at all what you said. You seem to change the story to suit your narrative.

Op here. Here is when I’ve intruded on her custody time—last week because of Covid—I came over. In the summer, once or twice. And a couple of times for specific events—she’s come over to my house or we’ve done the activities cited. Again, I’ve been dating her father for 4 years. I have never ever slept over during custody time.

But you wanted to intrude on her spring break weekend with him. Don't you understand? Open your eyes. This isn't about what's happening now. It's about what you WANT to do, what you are PLANNING to do. She knows that this is what it's about. And you do too, when you're not being willfully obtuse.

Op here. No. I didn’t want to intrude which is why I suggested just joining one weekend and not the entire week. This was a compromise so they can have their spring break. But at some point, something had to give...and my boyfriends family invited me. I am not going to keep hiding.

So you did intrude on his custody time. Why did something have to give? Because you want it to? Sorry but it was intruding and you're not entitled to do it and have her like it.

His family doesn't mind you because you're not trying to move into their houses.

Weekend is intruding on custody time. He shares custody and probably only has the kids half time. So, spend that time with your kids instead. Where do you get all this time to be a single parent, work and take care of your kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP again. “Operate as a family” means spending a weekend of spring break together—as an example. Again, not crashing their entire spring break but being able to join them for the last weekend and do Easter with them. Also, I’ve met the rest of my boyfriends family and everyone is very welcoming. They want me there. It wasn’t my idea.

Can't you understand that a weekend with you and your younger children is not very appealing to her? She doesn't want to share her already reduced time with her father! Get a clue.

Op here. Spring break would be just ME. Again, no one is intermingling our kids.

But you want to intermingle eventually, and she knows it. She has a better grasp of this situation than you do, and she doesn't want to give you an inch because you'll take a mile.

Ok. So she wins. Her dad and I can break up. Is that what you’re suggesting? Or do we stay in some sort of relationship limbo?

Yes, I think those are the choices: Breaking up or “limbo” as you put it. Which brings us back to the question you are avoiding: What does HE want in the relationship? It sounds like you have grown impatient with status quo. He may be perfectly fine with it. You are pushing for something “more” and the daughter senses it and doesn’t like it.

You may THINK you are being respectful and may intend that. But your actions may send a different signal.

OP here---HE wants to move forward because HE is tired of always being away from his house. HE wants me to come over more often because HE doesn't always want to be away from his community, his home and his chores. HE wants to be able to spend time with me and his children. He is tired of living the separate worlds we have been living so HE wants to move forward also. So that's what he wants. Again, we have been dating for 4 years. This has been well thought out--or so we thought. HE doesn't want her to be unhappy but HE is also upset and aghast that she's behaving this way. SO IS HER MOM. So you guys can pile it on me all you want but I will pick and chose between your advice. I very much understand this isn't ideal and I get that you dont get ideal with blended families. My younger kids very much also prefer their time alone with me (because their dad remarried a woman with lots of kids) and I respect their wishes. SO BOTH MY BF and I very much have our respective homes and lives but we also would like to inch this forward. His other kids and my kids do their best to tolerate it, even enjoy it. His older son (senior) has a very "IDGAF" attitude but he's always polite and doesn't run away in a huff.

Wow. Your boyfriend is all about what he wants. You are all about what you want. You two are perfect for each other. I feel sorry for the girl whom everyone wants to force into a relationship she has clearly expressed she has no interest in participating in.

Speaking of forcing into relationships - there is a principle of consent at play here. The girl has expressed that she doesn’t fee comfortable around you. She has said, “No” but neither you nor Dad are listening to her. You are too busy explaining why she should accept you, how she should behave in the way you consider polite, how she is a drama queen, how she misunderstands who is at fault in the divorce and whether she is depressed. BF is too busy focusing on how he wants his life to be. Neither of you respect the “No”. You two are not that different than a creepy guy who keeps asking for a date and explaining why the girl shouldn’t say no.

OP here--ok, let's go with respecting her "no". What now? Do we break up? Everyone says wait until you're dead serious to meet the kids, we did. But at this point, i wish i knew there would be an issue before we were so invested

Yes. I think the relationship has reached the end of the road. Time to break up. Sorry.

[Anonymous]

Op here-re. Spring break. My ex has the kids. I’m going to be working. I was going to fly down to meet them for a long weekend in florida for his spring break. His ex never takes spring break. This is no longer an issue. It was just an example of a compromise and of a time we would like to be together.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here-re. Spring break. My ex has the kids. I’m going to be working. I was going to fly down to meet them for a long weekend in florida for his spring break. His ex never takes spring break. This is no longer an issue. It was just an example of a compromise and of a time we would like to be together.

Op again. Further he told her about spring break and she was okay with it but history tells me she would have declined some of the activities.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here-re. Spring break. My ex has the kids. I’m going to be working. I was going to fly down to meet them for a long weekend in florida for his spring break. His ex never takes spring break. This is no longer an issue. It was just an example of a compromise and of a time we would like to be together.

It's also an example of a time you chose to intrude on his custody time. CHOSE to. Own your choices.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:stay away during his custody time

Op here. I do completely.

That's not at all what you said. You seem to change the story to suit your narrative.

Op here. Here is when I’ve intruded on her custody time—last week because of Covid—I came over. In the summer, once or twice. And a couple of times for specific events—she’s come over to my house or we’ve done the activities cited. Again, I’ve been dating her father for 4 years. I have never ever slept over during custody time.

But you wanted to intrude on her spring break weekend with him. Don't you understand? Open your eyes. This isn't about what's happening now. It's about what you WANT to do, what you are PLANNING to do. She knows that this is what it's about. And you do too, when you're not being willfully obtuse.

Op here. No. I didn’t want to intrude which is why I suggested just joining one weekend and not the entire week. This was a compromise so they can have their spring break. But at some point, something had to give...and my boyfriends family invited me. I am not going to keep hiding.

Don't be obtuse. You did want to intrude on the weekend. And this is about the long term. You WANT to marry him eventually, right? And you are PLANNING to move in together eventually, right? That's what you said and I suspect she knows it. You want, and he wants, to foist you into the family against his daughter's wishes. "Something" does not "have" to give. You chose to intrude. That's what's happening here.

You're being silly by pretending that teenage whims deserve special notice. There is nothing wrong with planning a life together. The daughter doesn't get a vote on the person the father marries. She will have her own life to lead in two years and she doesn't own her father.

I have a couple of friends whose parents divorced, and who were vehemently against their mothers dating. In two cases, the daughter made the mother choose between her and the man the mother was dating. The mother chose the daughter of course. The daughter then of course moved away, got married and is living her own life. Her mother is alone, will die alone.

OP ignore the haters. You've done nothing wrong.

The thing is that this daughter situation is between father and daughter. It's up to the dad to manage his daughter, you have no part in this. If he can't manage her, I'd back off.

[Anonymous]

^^^^^THIS!!

[Anonymous]

Hey, 22:00, listen to yourself.

No one “hates” OP. Some people are expressing opinions that are different than her own and pointing out that she needs to look at the situation through different lenses.

If you confuse that with “hate,” you need some remedial vocabulary lessons.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here—
Yes, we both had long term-ish relationships since our divorce. This is both our second serious relationship and we want it to be our last. We are committed. He’s fine inconveniencing himself by being at my house solely but he also wants his kids on board and he thinks that by having me casually be there from time to time will help so they get to know me. It is happening with his sons. It isn’t happening with his daughter.

I met her two years ago and she wasn’t this hostile at 14 but at that point, I really kept my distance so we never got to bond. And one day she totally turned. My boyfriend thinks she’s settling into rebellious behavior and wants her way always. She’s like that with many aspects of her life. I’m just discussing the parts that have to do with me. I don’t care if she talks back and throws hissy fits because her dad makes her put her laundry away. That’s their issue.

Ok, that also screams mental health issue. Or possibly he isn't parenting her effectively, which makes me wonder why you want him as your children's stepfather.

+1. He needs to address this with a therapist for him and for her. You need to stay out of this and not add you relationship to the issues of rebellion or non-compliance.

You also should think about the example she provides to your kids.