Serious relationship with divorced dad

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:stay away during his custody time

Op here. I do completely.

That's not at all what you said. You seem to change the story to suit your narrative.

Op here. Here is when I’ve intruded on her custody time—last week because of Covid—I came over. In the summer, once or twice. And a couple of times for specific events—she’s come over to my house or we’ve done the activities cited. Again, I’ve been dating her father for 4 years. I have never ever slept over during custody time.

But you wanted to intrude on her spring break weekend with him. Don't you understand? Open your eyes. This isn't about what's happening now. It's about what you WANT to do, what you are PLANNING to do. She knows that this is what it's about. And you do too, when you're not being willfully obtuse.

Op here. No. I didn’t want to intrude which is why I suggested just joining one weekend and not the entire week. This was a compromise so they can have their spring break. But at some point, something had to give...and my boyfriends family invited me. I am not going to keep hiding.

Don't be obtuse. You did want to intrude on the weekend. And this is about the long term. You WANT to marry him eventually, right? And you are PLANNING to move in together eventually, right? That's what you said and I suspect she knows it. You want, and he wants, to foist you into the family against his daughter's wishes. "Something" does not "have" to give. You chose to intrude. That's what's happening here.

You're being silly by pretending that teenage whims deserve special notice. There is nothing wrong with planning a life together. The daughter doesn't get a vote on the person the father marries. She will have her own life to lead in two years and she doesn't own her father.

I have a couple of friends whose parents divorced, and who were vehemently against their mothers dating. In two cases, the daughter made the mother choose between her and the man the mother was dating. The mother chose the daughter of course. The daughter then of course moved away, got married and is living her own life. Her mother is alone, will die alone.

OP ignore the haters. You've done nothing wrong.

The thing is that this daughter situation is between father and daughter. It's up to the dad to manage his daughter, you have no part in this. If he can't manage her, I'd back off.

The daughter doesn't get a vote, and the adults have the right to date. BUT, the OP should acknowledge that she CHOSE to force the spring break issue. Saying "something has to give" is avoiding responsibility for what she's doing. And she should acknowledge that it's not about any one weekend or visit. It's about the long term.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:stay away during his custody time

Op here. I do completely.

That's not at all what you said. You seem to change the story to suit your narrative.

Op here. Here is when I’ve intruded on her custody time—last week because of Covid—I came over. In the summer, once or twice. And a couple of times for specific events—she’s come over to my house or we’ve done the activities cited. Again, I’ve been dating her father for 4 years. I have never ever slept over during custody time.

But you wanted to intrude on her spring break weekend with him. Don't you understand? Open your eyes. This isn't about what's happening now. It's about what you WANT to do, what you are PLANNING to do. She knows that this is what it's about. And you do too, when you're not being willfully obtuse.

Op here. No. I didn’t want to intrude which is why I suggested just joining one weekend and not the entire week. This was a compromise so they can have their spring break. But at some point, something had to give...and my boyfriends family invited me. I am not going to keep hiding.

Don't be obtuse. You did want to intrude on the weekend. And this is about the long term. You WANT to marry him eventually, right? And you are PLANNING to move in together eventually, right? That's what you said and I suspect she knows it. You want, and he wants, to foist you into the family against his daughter's wishes. "Something" does not "have" to give. You chose to intrude. That's what's happening here.

You're being silly by pretending that teenage whims deserve special notice. There is nothing wrong with planning a life together. The daughter doesn't get a vote on the person the father marries. She will have her own life to lead in two years and she doesn't own her father.

I have a couple of friends whose parents divorced, and who were vehemently against their mothers dating. In two cases, the daughter made the mother choose between her and the man the mother was dating. The mother chose the daughter of course. The daughter then of course moved away, got married and is living her own life. Her mother is alone, will die alone.

OP ignore the haters. You've done nothing wrong.

The thing is that this daughter situation is between father and daughter. It's up to the dad to manage his daughter, you have no part in this. If he can't manage her, I'd back off.

+1000

[Anonymous]

The daughter doesn't get a vote on the person the father marries

Yes she does. If my daughter can't stand my GF for whatever reason, I am certainly not going to marry her. I put DD first every time.

Divorced dad

[Anonymous]

The DD in this case doesn’t not like the girlfriend, she’s just uncomfortable and unhappy about her dad dating. She has said so herself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

The daughter doesn't get a vote on the person the father marries

Yes she does. If my daughter can't stand my GF for whatever reason, I am certainly not going to marry her. I put DD first every time.

Divorced dad

+1 -- PP divorced dad.

Also, since I will never remarry, teenage daughter ALSO gets a say on who occupies her living space. The GF is an adult and can deal.

In this situation, it does't sound like either of the older kids care for OP very much. The 18 yo son is ambivalent and the 16 is downright hostile. It's nice that the 12 yo is a little more attached, but just wait until the hormones kick in.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The DD in this case doesn’t not like the girlfriend, she’s just uncomfortable and unhappy about her dad dating. She has said so herself.

This is something a teenage girl would tell her father to avoid hurting his feelings.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The DD in this case doesn’t not like the girlfriend, she’s just uncomfortable and unhappy about her dad dating. She has said so herself.

This is something a teenage girl would tell her father to avoid hurting his feelings.

+1000.

The dad has the right to date and marry, and kids should not get to make these decisions. But, if this man decides dating OP isn't worth the ongoing struggle that's fine too. Realistically there are not any good options here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

The daughter doesn't get a vote on the person the father marries

Yes she does. If my daughter can't stand my GF for whatever reason, I am certainly not going to marry her. I put DD first every time.

Divorced dad

+1 -- PP divorced dad.

Also, since I will never remarry, teenage daughter ALSO gets a say on who occupies her living space. The GF is an adult and can deal.

In this situation, it does't sound like either of the older kids care for OP very much. The 18 yo son is ambivalent and the 16 is downright hostile. It's nice that the 12 yo is a little more attached, but just wait until the hormones kick in.

Let's hope that she won't vote YOU out of that space.

OP isn't about to move in so let's not talk about the daughter's living space. If you want to say that every visitor to the house should be cleared with DD, then that's BS.

It's OK for you to not remarry. It's OK for the OP to leave if her boyfriend doesn't want to move forward. Blending families is difficult. Not all will blend.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

The daughter doesn't get a vote on the person the father marries

Yes she does. If my daughter can't stand my GF for whatever reason, I am certainly not going to marry her. I put DD first every time.

Divorced dad

Also, please remember that when your DD moves to college, start dating, and won't care at all that you don't like the boys she dates. Also remember that you have zero choice in who she marries or when she marries. Enjoy the one-sided pull.

[Anonymous]

OP I strongly recommend you keep your own counsel from now on. There are some loons on this board with strange agendas. Telling you to break up- that's nuts.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:OP again. “Operate as a family” means spending a weekend of spring break together—as an example. Again, not crashing their entire spring break but being able to join them for the last weekend and do Easter with them. Also, I’ve met the rest of my boyfriends family and everyone is very welcoming. They want me there. It wasn’t my idea.

Can't you understand that a weekend with you and your younger children is not very appealing to her? She doesn't want to share her already reduced time with her father! Get a clue.

Op here. Spring break would be just ME. Again, no one is intermingling our kids.

But you want to intermingle eventually, and she knows it. She has a better grasp of this situation than you do, and she doesn't want to give you an inch because you'll take a mile.

Ok. So she wins. Her dad and I can break up. Is that what you’re suggesting? Or do we stay in some sort of relationship limbo?

Yes, I think those are the choices: Breaking up or “limbo” as you put it. Which brings us back to the question you are avoiding: What does HE want in the relationship? It sounds like you have grown impatient with status quo. He may be perfectly fine with it. You are pushing for something “more” and the daughter senses it and doesn’t like it.

You may THINK you are being respectful and may intend that. But your actions may send a different signal.

OP here---HE wants to move forward because HE is tired of always being away from his house. HE wants me to come over more often because HE doesn't always want to be away from his community, his home and his chores. HE wants to be able to spend time with me and his children. He is tired of living the separate worlds we have been living so HE wants to move forward also. So that's what he wants. Again, we have been dating for 4 years. This has been well thought out--or so we thought. HE doesn't want her to be unhappy but HE is also upset and aghast that she's behaving this way. SO IS HER MOM. So you guys can pile it on me all you want but I will pick and chose between your advice. I very much understand this isn't ideal and I get that you dont get ideal with blended families. My younger kids very much also prefer their time alone with me (because their dad remarried a woman with lots of kids) and I respect their wishes. SO BOTH MY BF and I very much have our respective homes and lives but we also would like to inch this forward. His other kids and my kids do their best to tolerate it, even enjoy it. His older son (senior) has a very "IDGAF" attitude but he's always polite and doesn't run away in a huff.

Wow. Your boyfriend is all about what he wants. You are all about what you want. You two are perfect for each other. I feel sorry for the girl whom everyone wants to force into a relationship she has clearly expressed she has no interest in participating in.

Speaking of forcing into relationships - there is a principle of consent at play here. The girl has expressed that she doesn’t fee comfortable around you. She has said, “No” but neither you nor Dad are listening to her. You are too busy explaining why she should accept you, how she should behave in the way you consider polite, how she is a drama queen, how she misunderstands who is at fault in the divorce and whether she is depressed. BF is too busy focusing on how he wants his life to be. Neither of you respect the “No”. You two are not that different than a creepy guy who keeps asking for a date and explaining why the girl shouldn’t say no.

OP here--ok, let's go with respecting her "no". What now? Do we break up? Everyone says wait until you're dead serious to meet the kids, we did. But at this point, i wish i knew there would be an issue before we were so invested

I think you both have a choice -- do each of you want to continue the relationship as it is but minus being involved in each other's family life? (Or at least you in his.) I am still unclear exactly how much time he does not have his kids -- but it sounds like it is at least 30% of the time. That's seeing each other 2-3 times a week. For a couple who already has kids with other partners and other responsibilities like jobs, friends and extended family, that seems like a good amount.

Or, either one of you can decide that you aren't interested in having a relationship if you can't be part of their family. Then, you break up.

You have no ability to force her to like you or to welcome a relationship with you. You can try push her, in which case you and the father run the risk of alienating her. Or you can simply wait until she is at college, and when she is not in the house as much, you will be able to increase the time you spend together.

This is the reality of second families -- you can't make people like or accept you into their family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

The daughter doesn't get a vote on the person the father marries

Yes she does. If my daughter can't stand my GF for whatever reason, I am certainly not going to marry her. I put DD first every time.

Divorced dad

Also, please remember that when your DD moves to college, start dating, and won't care at all that you don't like the boys she dates. Also remember that you have zero choice in who she marries or when she marries. Enjoy the one-sided pull.

When that happens, she will be an adult. And, contrary to what you seem to believe, she WILL want my approval of her mate.

You're very weird and projecting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP I strongly recommend you keep your own counsel from now on. There are some loons on this board with strange agendas. Telling you to break up- that's nuts.

It really isn't. She keeps floating that as an option -- so, yes, it's certainly an option and it's clearly at the forefront of her mind.

[Anonymous]

DCUM is very quick to tell people to divorce but also hates second marriages and stepparents. If you divorce, you must basically remain single until the kids have graduated college (and maybe a few years after that, just in case the kids, traumatized by your divorce, don't want you dating, in which case you must still continue to put their wishes first).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DCUM is very quick to tell people to divorce but also hates second marriages and stepparents. If you divorce, you must basically remain single until the kids have graduated college (and maybe a few years after that, just in case the kids, traumatized by your divorce, don't want you dating, in which case you must still continue to put their wishes first).

And no, I'm not on my second marriage or a stepparent! Just the trend of the responses on the Relationships/Family boards.