Serious relationship with divorced dad

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Stop forcing a “Family” ....it doesn’t work that way. You will always be the interloper and outsider. It was their Family Vacation, no one wanted you there except your BF. Drill that in your mind.

OP here. FINE. Then it's not the relationship for me because how does one move forward with this???? Does everyone else feel this way? I have no experience with this. I see lots of friends dating divorced dads of teens and none seem to have an issue this acute.

Likely because most Dads don’t have more than 50% Custody and most have far less. Why can’t you just have BF at your place when he doesn’t have custody, wait until DD is out of the house and let BF and his kids have their separate time together (ie vacations).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do you bring your kids to BF’s house? If I was a teen, I’d hide in my room as well.

OP. No, I don't. Our kids dont mingle. They've met but they're for the most part kept apart because of this issue.

Do you also have 70% custody? If so, how do you find the free time to go over to BF’s house all the time?

I don't. I have my kids all the time but once a week and every other weekend during the school year and every other week in the summer. But like I said, his kids are in and out of his time regardless of custody time. So this is what is happening on 'non-custody' time so to speak.

Simple. Have BF come to your house.

OP here. That's what happens mostly. My BF thinks that's letting her 'win' and would like me there more--mostly because he doesn't like being away from is place for entire weekends twice a month.

Too bad so sad. He can get over it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do you bring your kids to BF’s house? If I was a teen, I’d hide in my room as well.

OP. No, I don't. Our kids dont mingle. They've met but they're for the most part kept apart because of this issue.

Do you also have 70% custody? If so, how do you find the free time to go over to BF’s house all the time?

I don't. I have my kids all the time but once a week and every other weekend during the school year and every other week in the summer. But like I said, his kids are in and out of his time regardless of custody time. So this is what is happening on 'non-custody' time so to speak.

Simple. Have BF come to your house.

OP here. That's what happens mostly. My BF thinks that's letting her 'win' and would like me there more--mostly because he doesn't like being away from is place for entire weekends twice a month.

Too bad so sad. He can get over it.

I dont understand. SO you're saying it is ok to move forward in a relationship totally ignoring the needs of one child, letting her get her way and then what??? She continues to be his child when she goes to college. Yes, it will be different but isnt this condoning her behavior?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Stop forcing a “Family” ....it doesn’t work that way. You will always be the interloper and outsider. It was their Family Vacation, no one wanted you there except your BF. Drill that in your mind.

OP here. FINE. Then it's not the relationship for me because how does one move forward with this???? Does everyone else feel this way? I have no experience with this. I see lots of friends dating divorced dads of teens and none seem to have an issue this acute.

Likely because most Dads don’t have more than 50% Custody and most have far less. Why can’t you just have BF at your place when he doesn’t have custody, wait until DD is out of the house and let BF and his kids have their separate time together (ie vacations).

All add, why do you need to “move forward” your “us” is great according to you and what do you view as moving forward? Your BF has already said your not moving in anytime in the near future.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Stop forcing a “Family” ....it doesn’t work that way. You will always be the interloper and outsider. It was their Family Vacation, no one wanted you there except your BF. Drill that in your mind.

OP here. FINE. Then it's not the relationship for me because how does one move forward with this???? Does everyone else feel this way? I have no experience with this. I see lots of friends dating divorced dads of teens and none seem to have an issue this acute.

Likely because most Dads don’t have more than 50% Custody and most have far less. Why can’t you just have BF at your place when he doesn’t have custody, wait until DD is out of the house and let BF and his kids have their separate time together (ie vacations).

Like me, he has about 70% custody and then a bit more because his children are in and out of his place so it's not like his remaining time is entirely child free.

[Anonymous]

I think this is way beyond the realm of normal response. I say this as a divorced mom with tween boys. DO NOT break up over this. Be kind, courteous and 100% ignore this behavior.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Stop forcing a “Family” ....it doesn’t work that way. You will always be the interloper and outsider. It was their Family Vacation, no one wanted you there except your BF. Drill that in your mind.

OP here. FINE. Then it's not the relationship for me because how does one move forward with this???? Does everyone else feel this way? I have no experience with this. I see lots of friends dating divorced dads of teens and none seem to have an issue this acute.

Likely because most Dads don’t have more than 50% Custody and most have far less. Why can’t you just have BF at your place when he doesn’t have custody, wait until DD is out of the house and let BF and his kids have their separate time together (ie vacations).

All add, why do you need to “move forward” your “us” is great according to you and what do you view as moving forward? Your BF has already said your not moving in anytime in the near future.

OP again. Moving forward doesnt mean moving in. It means sharing time together. Im not inclined to move anytime soon either because my kids are happy in their schools. So no one is moving in for about 9 more years. But we do want to spend more time together. Is that so difficult to understand?

[Anonymous]

I dont understand. SO you're saying it is ok to move forward in a relationship totally ignoring the needs of one child, letting her get her way and then what??? She continues to be his child when she goes to college. Yes, it will be different but isnt this condoning her behavior?

The needs of the child? That is to spend time at her primary home without Dad’s GF apparently. That will be met. There is no need to throw fuel on a moody teen and harm her relationship with Dad by insisting on forcing her to spend time with GF. She is 16 and will be gone at 18. Yes, she will still be the child but she will be an adult-child and one that won’t be living with Dad and hopefully far more mature.

[Anonymous]

“Spend more time together” = BF coming to your house, leave DD at home and being the other kids. Her loss.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think this is way beyond the realm of normal response. I say this as a divorced mom with tween boys. DO NOT break up over this. Be kind, courteous and 100% ignore this behavior.

OP here. Thank you. I appreciate this. I think the other poster is being unreasonably harsh towards me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Stop forcing a “Family” ....it doesn’t work that way. You will always be the interloper and outsider. It was their Family Vacation, no one wanted you there except your BF. Drill that in your mind.

OP here. FINE. Then it's not the relationship for me because how does one move forward with this???? Does everyone else feel this way? I have no experience with this. I see lots of friends dating divorced dads of teens and none seem to have an issue this acute.

Oh please you act like his kids will never get older and move out ! What’s your hurry? Biological clock ticking? Let this go asap and remember teenage girls can act this way even when parents are still happily married to each other.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
I dont understand. SO you're saying it is ok to move forward in a relationship totally ignoring the needs of one child, letting her get her way and then what??? She continues to be his child when she goes to college. Yes, it will be different but isnt this condoning her behavior?

The needs of the child? That is to spend time at her primary home without Dad’s GF apparently. That will be met. There is no need to throw fuel on a moody teen and harm her relationship with Dad by insisting on forcing her to spend time with GF. She is 16 and will be gone at 18. Yes, she will still be the child but she will be an adult-child and one that won’t be living with Dad and hopefully far more mature.

OP here. To be clear, she sees me at most 2x a month. She's hostile in that time. This is what i am asking about. I am not taking away 99% of her time with her father.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Stop forcing a “Family” ....it doesn’t work that way. You will always be the interloper and outsider. It was their Family Vacation, no one wanted you there except your BF. Drill that in your mind.

OP here. FINE. Then it's not the relationship for me because how does one move forward with this???? Does everyone else feel this way? I have no experience with this. I see lots of friends dating divorced dads of teens and none seem to have an issue this acute.

Oh please you act like his kids will never get older and move out ! What’s your hurry? Biological clock ticking? Let this go asap and remember teenage girls can act this way even when parents are still happily married to each other.

OP--again, my hurry is that I would like to see my BF more than 2x a month or only at my place. I would like to go to his pool without someone losing their mind. I would like to know I could spend some holidays with him. You know---the perks of being in a relationship.

[Anonymous]

OP- you have elementary aged kids. Teen girls can be hostile, hold a grudge and rude. Don’t take it personally. I would just try to avoid her and realize that things like Spring Break and vacations are times she views as special time with her Dad that will be ruined if you attend (in her mind). I truly believe the best solution would be for your BF to just spend time with you out of his house as she sees it as her territory. GL.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Stop forcing a “Family” ....it doesn’t work that way. You will always be the interloper and outsider. It was their Family Vacation, no one wanted you there except your BF. Drill that in your mind.

OP here. FINE. Then it's not the relationship for me because how does one move forward with this???? Does everyone else feel this way? I have no experience with this. I see lots of friends dating divorced dads of teens and none seem to have an issue this acute.

Oh please you act like his kids will never get older and move out ! What’s your hurry? Biological clock ticking? Let this go asap and remember teenage girls can act this way even when parents are still happily married to each other.

OP--again, my hurry is that I would like to see my BF more than 2x a month or only at my place. I would like to go to his pool without someone losing their mind. I would like to know I could spend some holidays with him. You know---the perks of being in a relationship.

Twice a month?! Ok that’s bs. What’s really going on? Why can’t he bring the 12 yr old and stay at your place more often? The teenagers are old enough to stay alone once in a while. And I’m sure his DD stays at her moms enough for you to be able to see him more than twice a month..