Serious relationship with divorced dad

[Anonymous]

I’m in a very serious, long term (4yr) relationship with a divorced dad. I’m a divorced mom. We both were very careful about leaving the children out of it for two years. Then we very slowly introduced each other to the kids—never mixing our kids yet. My boyfriend has two teenage kids and a 12yr old. The sons (18yr old and 12yr old) have been fine about me. The 12yr is very loving and the 18yr has a “I don’t care” attitude that’s very unhostile. The issue is that the 16yr daughter is hostile and very upset. If I come around (which is not frequently), she rushes to her room, barely can say hello etc. Her dad has tried everything. I’ve even met with her mom who also has tried to get through to her that I’m not here to replace her actual parents, step on her toes etc. Her mom has even had that conversation with her many times (in case there was loyalty issues).

What else can we do? I hate that she’s this uncomfortable about my presence and i do everything to stay out of the way in “Custody” time but she roams freely between her two homes and if I happen to stop by, she’ll run off. She declines all outings to neutral places.

Any advice with this? I just don’t know how to move this relationship forward when there is still a child suffering because of the circumstances. Do we back off until college? What changes then? Isn’t it more of the same?

[Anonymous]

I would back off til college. There is no rush to get even more serious. What are you trying to move forward? You’re both divorced with kids so I don’t really get it. A few more years isn’t a big deal.

[Anonymous]

I don’t think you back off. What kind of “moving forward” do you mean - moving in, marriage, what?

[Anonymous]

Agreed with PP. She's already 16... she'll be a legal adult and off to college soon enough. I would not move forward as things stand.

[Anonymous]

How old are your kids? Do you have a DD?

[Anonymous]

OP here. Yes, I have elementary aged school kids.

By moving forward, I mean, I’d like to be able to be there for dinner and not have her hide, I’d like to share certain holidays together, I’d like to participate in some of their family activities without her declining—as we move forward to marriage. Last summer, I often spent time at their community pool where she lifeguarded and she would flip out. It’s hard to back off because I don’t know what that looks like in situations like the pool. Do I just not go? That’s not a relationship I want to be in when all remaining kids seem ok but I do want to be understanding and do the right thing. We are all torn on how to approach this.

[Anonymous]

I remember what I used to say to myself when I had toddlers. It's a phase. It will pass. Give her time. No pressure, just be nice and don't react to her being cold. Things will get better.

[Anonymous]

Have any of you or the kids done therapy? Family therapy? I feel like this is something a therapist could help with.

[Anonymous]

Ugh. I'm sorry op. I'm dating a divorced dad with two boys 15 and 12. They seem to be neutral towards me and accept me. Their dad claims they told him they like me but I'm not sure how true that is.

The 12 year old is nicer to me in the sense that he is still a bit like a kid rather than a teen. The 15 year old is civil to me - I think he knows his dad won't tolerate him being outright rude - he is nicer to me when his dad is in the room.

I am typically more of a girls' girl, but I think girls are harder than boys in this scenario most of the time. I would be scared to date a guy with a daughter. Are you planning to wait till she goes to college to move in or get married? If so, maybe your dad she reassure her that that won't happen for at least a couple years, and you should be treated as a cousin or aunt or friend type of adult? I don't know what to say but you have my sympathy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Have any of you or the kids done therapy? Family therapy? I feel like this is something a therapist could help with.

I have contemplated that but I think she’d lose her mind. Everyone we know has suggested to just keep at it casually. I just feel conflicted because a) I hate seeing someone in pain over my existence and b) i would like to start doing more with my boyfriend that includes family. We have nailed the “us” part and like I said, I don’t encroach on their time together but she’s often there when it isn’t his time and I don’t want that to stop because a dad is always 100% whether it is his time or not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ugh. I'm sorry op. I'm dating a divorced dad with two boys 15 and 12. They seem to be neutral towards me and accept me. Their dad claims they told him they like me but I'm not sure how true that is.

The 12 year old is nicer to me in the sense that he is still a bit like a kid rather than a teen. The 15 year old is civil to me - I think he knows his dad won't tolerate him being outright rude - he is nicer to me when his dad is in the room.

I am typically more of a girls' girl, but I think girls are harder than boys in this scenario most of the time. I would be scared to date a guy with a daughter. Are you planning to wait till she goes to college to move in or get married? If so, maybe your dad she reassure her that that won't happen for at least a couple years, and you should be treated as a cousin or aunt or friend type of adult? I don't know what to say but you have my sympathy.

Her dad has definitely reassured her that I’m not moving in and he’s not getting married anytime soon. He’s gently asked her to just be polite and nothing else. She refuses. He’s had talks with her mom, I’ve had talks with her mom. We have all brainstormed on ways to ease this but it has been two years and nothing has improved. We have tried me backing away completely and we have tried me being there and just ignoring it. It is very difficult.

[Anonymous]

OP again. I guess at the end of it, my question is as follows---do I just be patient with this and accept that I'll be greeted with hostility going forward or do I cut my losses? I would never ask my boyfriend to chose me over his daughter and this isn't about that but if he had the choice between having Christmas with his children and me not being there so his daughter could be there, then it's obvious what he's going to pick. I am struggling with how to make sense out of all of this because obviously i have no experience with any of it but we both would like to be operating as a family soon-ish. We want everyone to be at least accepting of it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP again. I guess at the end of it, my question is as follows---do I just be patient with this and accept that I'll be greeted with hostility going forward or do I cut my losses? I would never ask my boyfriend to chose me over his daughter and this isn't about that but if he had the choice between having Christmas with his children and me not being there so his daughter could be there, then it's obvious what he's going to pick. I am struggling with how to make sense out of all of this because obviously i have no experience with any of it but we both would like to be operating as a family soon-ish. We want everyone to be at least accepting of it.

Stick it out. She'll get over it and mature eventually. She'll definitely change a lot once she heads off the college. That's just 2 years away.

[Anonymous]

I’d just wait it out until she leaves for college. If marriage is your intention then get married the year after she goes to college. Why the rush? As for family time on your boyfriend’s custody time, give up on that and invite your BF to spend time with your kids at your house when he doesn’t have custody.

Do you have 50% custody? My friend lives with her 2nd husband and her kids when she has custody in an Apt in the City. When it’s her DH’s custody time with the kids then he lives with his kids (not her or her kids) in a house in the burbs near his Ex-wife. Maybe something like that would work for you if you.

My gut instinct is the DD is immature, doesn’t think your good enough for her Dad (she has taken on sort of the hostess/wife role in his house) and resents you for trying to ruin that and/or thinks she’ll become the built in babysitter for your kids if you have “family” time. Does DD cook? Do the laundry? Or otherwise has taken on hostess duties at her Dad’s house?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I remember what I used to say to myself when I had toddlers. It's a phase. It will pass. Give her time. No pressure, just be nice and don't react to her being cold. Things will get better.

I agree.


She’s being silly and unreasonable, as some adolescents are wont to do. Be very courteous, but there is no need to change your plans.