Is it unethical/immoral/unChristian to leave my relationship?

[Anonymous]

Nothing 1.5 hours from DC is a "remote area." You say that and I'm thinking the nrothwoods of Minnesota, a mountainside in Montana, somewhere in the vast unpopulated swath of southwest Texas.

1.5 hours in rush hours gets you to.....Woodbridge.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Nothing 1.5 hours from DC is a "remote area." You say that and I'm thinking the nrothwoods of Minnesota, a mountainside in Montana, somewhere in the vast unpopulated swath of southwest Texas.

1.5 hours in rush hours gets you to.....Woodbridge.

It might as well be Montana to me with my health issues. Long drives wear me out. I used to have days where if I got home late after a demanding day I could barely speak.

My job is literally golden handcuffs

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Nothing 1.5 hours from DC is a "remote area." You say that and I'm thinking the nrothwoods of Minnesota, a mountainside in Montana, somewhere in the vast unpopulated swath of southwest Texas.

1.5 hours in rush hours gets you to.....Woodbridge.

It might as well be Montana to me with my health issues. Long drives wear me out. I used to have days where if I got home late after a demanding day I could barely speak.

My job is literally golden handcuffs

Stop with the self-pitying dramatics. You will use any excuse not to take action to actually change your life - your religion, "my wife says X and Y", your health, anything to excuse not wanting to take responsibility for decisions you made - decision to get divorced, decision to abandon your children, decision to tolerate and enable your wife's treatment of your children and her refusal to work. You just keep finding excuses to avoid any sort of conflict. NO ONE likes conflict, OP. The rest of us just manage to step up while you make excuses.

[Anonymous]

^

I am fully aware that I let all of this happen, like a lobster slowly boiling I wasn’t realizing any of it. I was (and am) sick and overwhelmed and cognitively impaired. Now I see it all.

I don’t know how to “ step up”. I’m broke and worse in huge debt. I’m sick. My niche skills are going to be worthless very soon. If I leave I leave everyone homeless.

Its just impossible an I feel like I’m just going to ride it out till covid kills me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:^

I am fully aware that I let all of this happen, like a lobster slowly boiling I wasn’t realizing any of it. I was (and am) sick and overwhelmed and cognitively impaired. Now I see it all.

I don’t know how to “ step up”. I’m broke and worse in huge debt. I’m sick. My niche skills are going to be worthless very soon. If I leave I leave everyone homeless.

Its just impossible an I feel like I’m just going to ride it out till covid kills me.

Step 1. Contact with your kids.

Step 2. Tell your wife you are on a strict budget going forward. No more credit cards - call and deactivate. Figure out the MINIMUM amount you can spend each month on food and necessities. If she wants spending money, she can get a job. The whole "we're in a rural area so there are no jobs to be had for her" is BS if you're 1.5 hours outside DC. Grocery stores and the likes of Walmart and Target are hiring like crazy.

[Anonymous]

huge blowout fight this morning :/

sorry, not trying to attention seek, just need a place to put my thoughts out there.

moving and she doesn't want to give my ex the address, doesn't want my kids to know where were are. i'm like, uhh, that's impossible...and i'm an asshole because i won't ask my lawyer and/or have the lawyer send a note asking everyone to stay away. the lawyer i can't afford.

and then it came down to just needing to hear her out and validate her feelings, not actually do it.

except i think even the feelings are ridiculous

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:huge blowout fight this morning :/

sorry, not trying to attention seek, just need a place to put my thoughts out there.

moving and she doesn't want to give my ex the address, doesn't want my kids to know where were are. i'm like, uhh, that's impossible...and i'm an asshole because i won't ask my lawyer and/or have the lawyer send a note asking everyone to stay away. the lawyer i can't afford.

and then it came down to just needing to hear her out and validate her feelings, not actually do it.

except i think even the feelings are ridiculous

OP, look up borderline personality disorder. Your wife is playing mind games with you and I can spot a BPD a mile away, even on the world wide web based on what you've written about her antics. I was raised by one and I eventually moved out of the country and am no longer in contact with her. It was more painful for me because this was someone who took on a parental role versus your wife whom you've only known for less than 5 years. I'm advising you to not give in to her. Let me know if there is anything else you want to ask about BPD.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:huge blowout fight this morning :/

sorry, not trying to attention seek, just need a place to put my thoughts out there.

moving and she doesn't want to give my ex the address, doesn't want my kids to know where were are. i'm like, uhh, that's impossible...and i'm an asshole because i won't ask my lawyer and/or have the lawyer send a note asking everyone to stay away. the lawyer i can't afford.

and then it came down to just needing to hear her out and validate her feelings, not actually do it.

except i think even the feelings are ridiculous

OP, look up borderline personality disorder. Your wife is playing mind games with you and I can spot a BPD a mile away, even on the world wide web based on what you've written about her antics. I was raised by one and I eventually moved out of the country and am no longer in contact with her. It was more painful for me because this was someone who took on a parental role versus your wife whom you've only known for less than 5 years. I'm advising you to not give in to her. Let me know if there is anything else you want to ask about BPD.

Thank you - never thought about BPD.

She's gets these manic episodes of energy and will work around the house at her "hobbies" all day. She thinks she's going to start a farm sufficient to feed us when everything falls apart [note: if we had zero debt maybe we could eke through with family help in such a scenario; but we [I] have giant debts, car payments, utilities, supplies, etc. and she gets mad when I ask how to cover those items). She gets mad when I tell her I'm busy working and can't help with the "farm".

None of the plans make sense but she gets mad and says we've discussed them and I have a bad memory (which I do, but it's not that bad).

She has a history of "big ideas" - she was a day trader (I never determined how much she made), she was going to be a realtor and paid a fortune for some dumb class she never finished, she was going to be a life coach, she was going to raise animals and breed/sell them (now we just have a bunch of animals that do nothing except eat); she gets ideas and never follows through. She went from job to job because of personality conflicts. There was ALWAYS an issue with "someone". We have absolute mountains of craft stuff, tools, and supplies we can't get rid of because SOMEDAY we'll use them. We moved and threw out almost nothing because "we'll use it" - meanwhile if I was in charge I would have needed a dump truck.

Does that ring a bell?

[Anonymous]

Also she's got an enormous fear of abandonment due to her father :/

[Anonymous]

Please leave her. She clearly needs therapy to deal with her mountain of issues, but you can't fix that for her. Sticking around is just stretching out the problem. You will have debt whether you are with her or not. If you are not with her, you can try and repair your relationship with your kids and your mental health will likely improve. You NEED to reach out to your kids, take responsibility for your past actions and understand that it will likely take a long time and repeated efforts on your part to see results there. The biggest issue in your life is not your debt, it is your wife. Let her figure out how to support her kids - isn't that what she forced your ex-wife to do?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Please leave her. She clearly needs therapy to deal with her mountain of issues, but you can't fix that for her. Sticking around is just stretching out the problem. You will have debt whether you are with her or not. If you are not with her, you can try and repair your relationship with your kids and your mental health will likely improve. You NEED to reach out to your kids, take responsibility for your past actions and understand that it will likely take a long time and repeated efforts on your part to see results there. The biggest issue in your life is not your debt, it is your wife. Let her figure out how to support her kids - isn't that what she forced your ex-wife to do?

I know this is what ultimately needs to happen, the question is how/when/under what circumstances.

My ex was able to support herself because she had stable employment and was getting spousal and child support from me. Current only gets a small amount of child support and is otherwise dependent on me. Her mother could help her somewhat but she's getting very elderly and has a fixed income...certainly not enough to cover.

[Anonymous]

^OP, that’s her problem to figure out, not yours. She is an adult and will figure out how to take care of her kids. They have a dad, and you know it’s not you. You have your own kids to worry about. The time to act is now.

[Anonymous]

Stop feeding the troll y’all. Upthread OP said he didn’t have any kids. Only the wife does. Now he’s saying he has kids with his first wife that 2nd wife doesn’t want him to see. 🙄

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Stop feeding the troll y’all. Upthread OP said he didn’t have any kids. Only the wife does. Now he’s saying he has kids with his first wife that 2nd wife doesn’t want him to see. 🙄

I have kids. They don’t live with me. Current wife’s kids do. Find a new hobby.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:huge blowout fight this morning :/

sorry, not trying to attention seek, just need a place to put my thoughts out there.

moving and she doesn't want to give my ex the address, doesn't want my kids to know where were are. i'm like, uhh, that's impossible...and i'm an asshole because i won't ask my lawyer and/or have the lawyer send a note asking everyone to stay away. the lawyer i can't afford.

and then it came down to just needing to hear her out and validate her feelings, not actually do it.

except i think even the feelings are ridiculous

OP, look up borderline personality disorder. Your wife is playing mind games with you and I can spot a BPD a mile away, even on the world wide web based on what you've written about her antics. I was raised by one and I eventually moved out of the country and am no longer in contact with her. It was more painful for me because this was someone who took on a parental role versus your wife whom you've only known for less than 5 years. I'm advising you to not give in to her. Let me know if there is anything else you want to ask about BPD.

Thank you - never thought about BPD.

She's gets these manic episodes of energy and will work around the house at her "hobbies" all day. She thinks she's going to start a farm sufficient to feed us when everything falls apart [note: if we had zero debt maybe we could eke through with family help in such a scenario; but we [I] have giant debts, car payments, utilities, supplies, etc. and she gets mad when I ask how to cover those items). She gets mad when I tell her I'm busy working and can't help with the "farm".

None of the plans make sense but she gets mad and says we've discussed them and I have a bad memory (which I do, but it's not that bad).

She has a history of "big ideas" - she was a day trader (I never determined how much she made), she was going to be a realtor and paid a fortune for some dumb class she never finished, she was going to be a life coach, she was going to raise animals and breed/sell them (now we just have a bunch of animals that do nothing except eat); she gets ideas and never follows through. She went from job to job because of personality conflicts. There was ALWAYS an issue with "someone". We have absolute mountains of craft stuff, tools, and supplies we can't get rid of because SOMEDAY we'll use them. We moved and threw out almost nothing because "we'll use it" - meanwhile if I was in charge I would have needed a dump truck.

Does that ring a bell?

I'm the 'She's got BPD' PP. So based on what you've written, she could have co-occuring bipolar and ADHD in addition to BPD. Whatever it is, she doesn't have a firm grasp on reality and isn't contributing in any way to your well-being as your partner. The hoarding is tangential to BPD. My parent was a hoarder too, and it even included animals. Hoarding is more to do with OCD, clinically-speaking, but I am not surprised BPDs would exhibit hoarding behavior due to needing items/animals to fill their emotional void and exerting some form of control over material goods/animals and by extension, the people around them who has to live with the consequences of their decision. It's selfish, period.