Is it unethical/immoral/unChristian to leave my relationship?

[Anonymous]

Cliffs: I have increasing physical and mental issues. Mental issues are due to stress, finances, and are related to my physical issues (cognitive problems resulting from an illness years ago), and now my relationship and the unreality of it all. I am an utter failure.

Second wife. She has kids who either live with us or I support. No other overt support, some local-ish family. She loves me, is committed to me, and cares for me (no question about any of these) - but I think she's bipolar, maybe NPD, and who knows what else. She doesn't work. Wants to do work from home stuff. Wants me to participate and eventually transition to it. It's pure fantasy. Think low-ish income type of stuff. I am the sole breadwinner.

Between credit cars and cars I have $150k in debt. Upside down on cars. Student loans, shared with ex, I pay 2/3 or so.

Child support.

GIANT tax debt. Like ENORMOUS. Like I'll NEVER be able to pay it.

Salary dropped 50% since 2018. No savings. Modest 401k. I'll be working until I die, which probably won't be too long. I have no health insurance.

My physical and mental health is breaking and I am probably not going to be paid soon due to coronavirus fallout in my industry. I am the least capable/able to perform at my business. I think one or two colleagues probably are suspicious of my circumstances. All coworkers will have funds on hand to weather this, while I literally live paycheck to paycheck. No cushion at all. I'm also terrified of getting coronavirus because in my state it could kill/disable me.

We fight all the time about money, about how serious the debt is, about how to manage it, etc. She's glib, to put it lightly. Tells me God will provide, etc.

We are both Christian. I take my vows very seriously. If I left they would have nothing. But I feel like I am losing my grip on reality. The debt is absolutely unmanageable and she berates me for worrying so much about it.

We're on totally different planets financially. I'm coming to pieces over my responsibility as the head of the house, my vows, and the impending financial tsunami that could (or more likely will) leave us all homeless. I'm losing my mind. Please help. If I left I'd either be homeless, renting a room, or moving in with very elderly parents.

[Anonymous]

If you get divorced, you aren't abandoning them financially if you need to pay alimony. Move in with your parents to keep expenses down.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you get divorced, you aren't abandoning them financially if you need to pay alimony. Move in with your parents to keep expenses down.

There would be no legal basis for alimony for reasons.

There would be no practical basis because I will never in my life be able to get a job that pays me this much if I move. Hell, even if I stay. I'm charity.

[Anonymous]

If you get divorced, you’ll still be on the hook for the financial stuff. Your creditors don’t care which one of you ran up the bills. You also may be hit with alimony. Unless there is abuse or infidelity, I would start with counseling first, OP. It has nothing to do with religion or morality. (I’m a minister. Definitely not anti-religion.). It’s about making good financial decisions.

[Anonymous]

OP, tell us more about the kids involved - are they all hers from prior marriage? How old and why are you supporting them? Where is their father? Do you have kids togehter?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you get divorced, you’ll still be on the hook for the financial stuff. Your creditors don’t care which one of you ran up the bills. You also may be hit with alimony. Unless there is abuse or infidelity, I would start with counseling first, OP. It has nothing to do with religion or morality. (I’m a minister. Definitely not anti-religion.). It’s about making good financial decisions.

I agree with the minister.

This is a very stressful time in general and you’ve been making poor financial choices.

In debt to us part is on amazon prime right now. I would watch it with your wife and step kids if they are adults and learn how to financially plan.

A lot of work at home options are multi level marketing schemes, so don’t fall into that financial pit either.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you get divorced, you’ll still be on the hook for the financial stuff. Your creditors don’t care which one of you ran up the bills. You also may be hit with alimony. Unless there is abuse or infidelity, I would start with counseling first, OP. It has nothing to do with religion or morality. (I’m a minister. Definitely not anti-religion.). It’s about making good financial decisions.

No alimony. I fully understand all the rest of the financial fallout is on me. I basically let her deal with finances alone for a few years and I should have excised some oversight. Heath/life/job got my attention instead. I did ask from time to time to put the brakes on spending but it was pooh-poohed or I was otherwise assured everything was OK. Obviously my judgement is failing (part of my cognitive problems).

Abuse...arguable. I have been losing my mind over the debt for a long time and she has berated me over it, telling me I didn't understand it, we'd manage, I was stupid, etc. She's also very controlling...increasingly so - and I wonder if it's because she senses my panic. She doesn't even let me see the mail or handle the bills because of the stress it creates. OTOH she can be like Florence Nightengale in terms of caring for me.

It's so odd and I feel like God is challenging me with an impossible puzzle. How do I promise to stay with someone who is unconsciously destroying my (and ultimately our) existence?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, tell us more about the kids involved - are they all hers from prior marriage? How old and why are you supporting them? Where is their father? Do you have kids togehter?

All hers from prior marriage. Only one gets any child support due to their ages. Dad is out of the picture. No kids together. I support them because no one else can/does.

I feel like a heel for even thinking about this because of the impact on the kids...their mother has had repeated relationships fail. Should have been a red flag to me but she convincingly persuaded me each of them were asses in different ways.

[Anonymous]

You need to sit your soon to be Ex down for a financial heart to heart. Show her, on paper, what money is going in and how much is going out every month. You also need to tell her exactly is owed to the IRS.

Then you need to contact your mortgage lender or leasing agent and try to get your payments deferred. You need to get an IRS payment plan. You need to contact your credit card companies and tell them you need interest frozen for your debt. Sell or down scale your car if you don’t already own it outright. Now more than ever you need to get your head above water and live BELOW your means.

Everybody that lives in your house that can contribute should! There are a lot of job openings in grocery stores, drug stores, etc... Teach them that if they want cable, cell phones, etc... they need to contribute.

As far as your faith goes, pray. Get on your knees and ask God for wisdom, guidance, comfort and financial strength. Good luck!

[Anonymous]

Divorce won’t solve this problem.

I would do individual (ideally for both) and marital counseling.

And get yourself a used copy of Dave Ramsey’s Total Money Makeover.

If you head over to the finance forum and list your details (I come/expenses/debt), you will get pretty good budget/financial advice.

[Anonymous]

I know divorce won't solve this. I am ruined financially. When I say I have tax debt I mean tax debt like you see dumb rappers and athletes incurring. Well into six figures.

And I know all about Dave Ramsey - but I am well past the point of eating beans and selling extra cars. I couldn't sell my cars if I wanted to because I'm upside down. I can't take on any more work because of my health.

It almost comes down to - the ship is definitely sinking - do I sink alone or with her?

[Anonymous]

What’s your health issue and cognitive issue?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What’s your health issue and cognitive issue?

I don't want to get into too much detail but just imagine the various illnesses that can fry your brain to a greater or lesser degree. My result was that I went from a clever, athletic comedian who could work almost infinitely to a weakened, depressed shell with memory/executive function problems who can't pull his own load. Memory/cognition/etc are now worse because of the stress of financial issues.

[Anonymous]

I'm so sad that I feel like my heart will just break and I'll die.

[Anonymous]

You need to either be willing to do anything to get out of financial ruin or quit complaining about it. File bankruptcy if you are so far gone. Try to get your IRS debt negotiated down. There are lawyers out there that can help with this. Sounds like drugs and alcohol played a major role in where you are today. Also, look for a new line of work. You can reinvent yourself any age. Where there is a will there is a way.