Is it unethical/immoral/unChristian to leave my relationship?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why would bankruptcy end your employment? Renegotiate your debt/penalties with the IRS, cancel all credit cards (so wife can’t spend anymore), sell anything you can including the cars you can’t afford, stick to a strict food budget (cash only), cancel cable, gym memberships, everything that is not essential to your job, move to a cheaper house/apt (2 bedroom max) and GL.

Because legal reasons.

Cards don't need to be cancelled they are maxed out. I probably have $1000 worth of credit available to me total. One card has a 115% or so utilization rate. She said "they should have stopped letting me use it."

House now is as cheap as it could be, trying to sell existing house but the timing could not be worse. I'm taking a huge bath on it too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Also she’s an incredible hoarder. I mean I’m sentimental and keep some random stuff but we have MOUNTAINS of things we will never use. We keep everything because “someday” we might need it or she might want to return to it. Furniture, fabric, supplies, crafts from years and years ago, old toys, mountains of clothes, etc. House is a cluttered mess and I’m numb to it.

I wish I could afford a therapist.

Op, you developed “clutter blindness.” Your wife may have experienced trauma and or has untreated ocd. If she truly is a hoarder, it is very difficult to change and confrontation is the worst thing you can do.

This website might help you:
https://childrenofhoarders.com/wordpress/

At this point, you wouldn’t be able to donate anything because of the virus.

Focus on what you can control, talk to your wife and step kids about trying to institute some routine during this stressful time like putting a chore chart on the fridge of who does what when. If there are beliefs you share as Christians, maybe suggest praying as a family.

Please call the nami helpline because you need someone to talk to.

We are all imperfect, and this health crisis is bringing a come to Jesus moment for you. You feel alone but you’re not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why would bankruptcy end your employment? Renegotiate your debt/penalties with the IRS, cancel all credit cards (so wife can’t spend anymore), sell anything you can including the cars you can’t afford, stick to a strict food budget (cash only), cancel cable, gym memberships, everything that is not essential to your job, move to a cheaper house/apt (2 bedroom max) and GL.

Because legal reasons.

Cards don't need to be cancelled they are maxed out. I probably have $1000 worth of credit available to me total. One card has a 115% or so utilization rate. She said "they should have stopped letting me use it."

House now is as cheap as it could be, trying to sell existing house but the timing could not be worse. I'm taking a huge bath on it too.

Cancel your cards any way except one.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She can't even get a fast food or retail job? Working at your local WalMart or drugstore?

She wants to try her work from home project (not MLM). Think organic living stuff.

That costs money to start up. She needs to go earn that money first. You are a fool if you give it to her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She can't even get a fast food or retail job? Working at your local WalMart or drugstore?

She wants to try her work from home project (not MLM). Think organic living stuff.

That costs money to start up. She needs to go earn that money first. You are a fool if you give it to her.

Now is not the time to start a business.

Op, put the numbers on paper and share with the adult members of your household.

[Anonymous]

You're the same person whose wife helped you screw up your relationship with your biological children, and is actively preventing you from establishing any relationship with them, right? You need to get out of that relationship right now. It is toxic.

Maybe this is a good place to start looking for financial help for you: https://www.justice.gov/ust/credit-counseling-debtor-education-information

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What is your total debt? What is her total debt? What is your income? Also how long have you been married and what are your ages? Trying to get a better picture of the situation.

My total debt? Let's throw the mortgage out because I'm trying to get rid of the house (great timing). Of course that might default too.

Between consumer debt (credit, cars, etc) and student loans I'd guesstimate $170K. Taxes/penalties/interest are almost 2.5-3x this figure if someone was to stop the clock today. Income in the mid 200s.

Her debt, no sure. Under $20k of consumer in addition to student loans she's taken on. Not sure of those amounts.

We are both mid 40s. Together less than five years.

Overall I'm effed.

You have an income in the mid 200s, in a rural area, and are pleading poverty?

Did you see the debt discussion? Apparently not. Combine debt with years of unpaid taxes, current expenses, no savings, ill health, etc. lifestyle was built when I was making 2x what I make now and we did not adjust.

What I see is someone crying "woe is me!" while not doing a single thing to fix it. Mid 200s! Jesus, you're in the top 10% and acting like you're making minimum wage.

You can pay off your debts. That you used to make $400k (!) and never adjusted to a measly 200k is on you. Fix it. People give you suggestions and you just cry "pooooooor meeeeeeeee!" Make the changes and act like an adult. Take some responsibility.

And no one gives a crap about your god, divorce, or the morality of it all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Also she’s an incredible hoarder. I mean I’m sentimental and keep some random stuff but we have MOUNTAINS of things we will never use. We keep everything because “someday” we might need it or she might want to return to it. Furniture, fabric, supplies, crafts from years and years ago, old toys, mountains of clothes, etc. House is a cluttered mess and I’m numb to it.

I wish I could afford a therapist.

No offense dude, but you’re not sentimental if you threw away all your pictures of your kids. Not even a little.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Also she’s an incredible hoarder. I mean I’m sentimental and keep some random stuff but we have MOUNTAINS of things we will never use. We keep everything because “someday” we might need it or she might want to return to it. Furniture, fabric, supplies, crafts from years and years ago, old toys, mountains of clothes, etc. House is a cluttered mess and I’m numb to it.

I wish I could afford a therapist.

No offense dude, but you’re not sentimental if you threw away all your pictures of your kids. Not even a little.

To clarify it was any pic with the ex in it.

Ironically I saved all sorts of things - kids books, notes, cards, schoolwork - and the ex didn’t.

I feel like this must be Stockholm Syndrome or something.

[Anonymous]

Divorce her
Get your act together- no more excuses.
And mend you relationship with your own children.

Tell her it’s for both of your mental health. You are not good for each other. You are her enabler and she won’t become her best self while you stay together.

[Anonymous]

So you make 200K, are about 700K in debt if you get rid of house? And you are still in your 40s. It's very doable. You need to contact your debtors and make payment plans.

You need to stop supporting any child above 18. You cannot afford to do that. the 18+ year olds need to pay their own rent and food. Get rid of house, rent a 1 bedroom apartment.


And you need to divorce your wife if she is not onboard. The time is now. or after thee coronovirus shut down. Get all plan figure out to a T. You can do it.

[Anonymous]

Divorce - they’re in the streets pretty quickly. Don’t know if her family could combine resources to help enough to cover.

Of course I’m likely on the brink of going to half or zero pay, which means I’m totally hosed along with everyone else. This is impossible.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Also she’s an incredible hoarder. I mean I’m sentimental and keep some random stuff but we have MOUNTAINS of things we will never use. We keep everything because “someday” we might need it or she might want to return to it. Furniture, fabric, supplies, crafts from years and years ago, old toys, mountains of clothes, etc. House is a cluttered mess and I’m numb to it.

I wish I could afford a therapist.

No offense dude, but you’re not sentimental if you threw away all your pictures of your kids. Not even a little.

To clarify it was any pic with the ex in it.

Ironically I saved all sorts of things - kids books, notes, cards, schoolwork - and the ex didn’t.

I feel like this must be Stockholm Syndrome or something.

Op, what you are feeling is self pity.

Call the nami hotline. Send your biological kids and first wife notes of apology letting your kids know you’re going to try better in the future. Watch til debt to us part on amazon or YouTube and stay off dcum for a while. You are in a wallowing spiral and you need to take small, concrete actions to break the cycle.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You need to either be willing to do anything to get out of financial ruin or quit complaining about it. File bankruptcy if you are so far gone. Try to get your IRS debt negotiated down. There are lawyers out there that can help with this. Sounds like drugs and alcohol played a major role in where you are today. Also, look for a new line of work. You can reinvent yourself any age. Where there is a will there is a way.

Bankruptcy immediately ends my employment.

Can't really afford a tax lawyer right now, although I will likely regret saying that.

Drugs and alcohol played no role at all. Just bad luck with my health and increasingly poor decision making.

I have spent months trying to reinvent myself but I cannot think of anything as lucrative, and now I live in a remote area and generally work from home. I feel boxed in and effed.

When you say you had Bad Luck with your health that caused you to have memory and executive function issues, what happened? Lyme disease onset? MS onset? If so why arent you on disability?

If you mean healthy issues like you have Autism or ADHD and have executive functioning issues then that’s different. Sorry you didn’t get therapy or treatment when younger or now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Divorce her
Get your act together- no more excuses.
And mend you relationship with your own children.

Tell her it’s for both of your mental health. You are not good for each other. You are her enabler and she won’t become her best self while you stay together.

This. Get rid of you my leech second wife and her leech kids. They’re beyond leeches since they are putting you in debt!!

Divorce!

She yanked you and your credit. Divorce because of that asap. Stop all credit cards, serve her papers, freeze the assets/money