I told DW it’s time for her to return to work FT

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP works government. This is the job all my 'default parent' friends dream of getting so that they can easily handle the majority of childcare and household responsibilities (childcare pickup, sick days, doctors appointments, school closing, early departures, flex schedules so they can do after school activities, etc). Then there is another parent who is the busy rainmaker. GS-15 combined with a busy spouse is living the dream.

Nowhere in OP's posts did he suggest he's not (or would not be willing to) contribute a lot to childcare (whatever is left of it) or the household.

You posters are all delusional if you think you need a FULL TIME sahm in addition to a GS-15 dad. For high schoolers.

If he wants her to make more money, he should give up his cushy job and make more too. Fair is fair.

PP here again. Please tell me again the magic way a 50 gov manager boosts their salary? I have not seen any good exits (assume OP is not a lawyer or doctor), so where can he make much more. And not be laid off by ageism in 3 years? I want to this myself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When we had kids, DW became a SAHM and our discussion was always that she’d return to the workforce at some point. It’s now 15 years later, kids are in high school, and she is working part-time. I just did our taxes and she only earned $18k last year - I am a GS-15 so by no means a rainmaker. We are behind on savings, college 529, etc and I’m tired of having to agonize over every financial decision because our finances are so precarious. DW has a Masters and could be making $60-70K full time but doesn’t want to - she has many stay at home friends who are married to rainmakers, but that’s not me. I told her tonight that I’m at my wits end and she needs to step up. She doesn’t want to work full time - neither do I but I suck it up for the family. I’m very frustrated and can’t get DW to pick up the slack. I am very involved at home and with the kids so she has supper there. How can I make her understand that we can’t always get what we want?!?

Women should realize that you cannot become a SAHM with a low earning spouse and be happy. Even with two working spouses, people are struggling to meet ends. It is also worthwhile to make a decision to not have kids or have only 1 kid if you cannot live frugally. Yesterday there was a divorced woman on DCUM who was very happy that she only had one kid. That may be the way to go for low earners...

My husband was low income (still not high but we are fine on it) and it hasn't been an issue saving for retirement, college, and what ever else comes up as we have always lived under our means and kept our mortgage very low (and we pay extra each month). He is not low earning. They have plenty of income.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sometimes i think there are like six sahms on dcum who are nuts about hammering home their over-the-top points about how vital they are to the natural balance of the universe. This thread is nuts.

I cannot imagine being married to someone who had agreed to go back to work after, say 5 years (circa age 35) and 15 years later they still aren't work (circa age 50) and you're already annoyed with their lack of contribution, and now you have to watch them for another FIFTEEN years have absolutely no function in your house until you retire. That's a really, really long time. I couldn't respect that person anymore.

I love the ever expanding list of chores they come up with. “Buying kids clothes” — with teens that’s dropping them off at the mall with some cash.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP works government. This is the job all my 'default parent' friends dream of getting so that they can easily handle the majority of childcare and household responsibilities (childcare pickup, sick days, doctors appointments, school closing, early departures, flex schedules so they can do after school activities, etc). Then there is another parent who is the busy rainmaker. GS-15 combined with a busy spouse is living the dream.

Nowhere in OP's posts did he suggest he's not (or would not be willing to) contribute a lot to childcare (whatever is left of it) or the household.

You posters are all delusional if you think you need a FULL TIME sahm in addition to a GS-15 dad. For high schoolers.

If he wants her to make more money, he should give up his cushy job and make more too. Fair is fair.

PP here again. Please tell me again the magic way a 50 gov manager boosts their salary? I have not seen any good exits (assume OP is not a lawyer or doctor), so where can he make much more. And not be laid off by ageism in 3 years? I want to this myself.

Leave government and be successful. My husband is over 50 and no issue finding and keeping jobs. He'd take a pay cut going to the equivalent fed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sometimes i think there are like six sahms on dcum who are nuts about hammering home their over-the-top points about how vital they are to the natural balance of the universe. This thread is nuts.

I cannot imagine being married to someone who had agreed to go back to work after, say 5 years (circa age 35) and 15 years later they still aren't work (circa age 50) and you're already annoyed with their lack of contribution, and now you have to watch them for another FIFTEEN years have absolutely no function in your house until you retire. That's a really, really long time. I couldn't respect that person anymore.

I love the ever expanding list of chores they come up with. “Buying kids clothes” — with teens that’s dropping them off at the mall with some cash.

Good plan. They will buy two outfits for $200 when you can buy 4-5.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You still have kids at home. To you it’s a no-brainer. For her - it will turn her whole world upside down. Will the kids come home to an empty house? Are they old enough to drive themselves to practices? Are you prepared to miss work to cover 50% of the crap that comes up during the day that she’s likely been covering herself for years? What do the kids do all summer while school’s out?

When a mom goes back to work FT after 15 years, everyone suffers a little bit. It will be a big adjustment for the whole family.

There’s more to life than money. Personally I’d rather eat beans than be forced back to work FT against my will so my teens can go home to an empty house from 2-6 every day. It’s not about keeping up with the rainmaker friends. It’s about maintaining connections with the kids while they’re still at home. They’re only under your roof for a couple more years. Can’t you catch up on savings once the kids are gone?

New poster here- This comment above nailed it. Calculate all the unpaid labor she does at home. Does she cook, clean, make doctor appointments, take the cars to get serviced, shuttle kids to and from events, do birthday gifts magically appeared wrapped up, fridge full of food, etc.

DH and I both work AND do all of the "uncalculated labor" of running the home and kids' lives. Why can't OP and OP's spouse do the same?

Because he's not willing.

Where do you read that?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sometimes i think there are like six sahms on dcum who are nuts about hammering home their over-the-top points about how vital they are to the natural balance of the universe. This thread is nuts.

I cannot imagine being married to someone who had agreed to go back to work after, say 5 years (circa age 35) and 15 years later they still aren't work (circa age 50) and you're already annoyed with their lack of contribution, and now you have to watch them for another FIFTEEN years have absolutely no function in your house until you retire. That's a really, really long time. I couldn't respect that person anymore.

NP here. You are really lucky if you had your kids at 30. We adopted ours at 37 and 42 after years of paying for infertility treatment out of pocket and then of course adoption too. See how you can’t assume because then you make a complete @ss of you(rself and not)me?

Again people making extreme examples to justify their crucial role as homemaker.

And PP, if you adopted at 42, is your kid a high schooler? Were you SAH during all the time you were trying? Your post literally has nothing to do with you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sometimes i think there are like six sahms on dcum who are nuts about hammering home their over-the-top points about how vital they are to the natural balance of the universe. This thread is nuts.

I cannot imagine being married to someone who had agreed to go back to work after, say 5 years (circa age 35) and 15 years later they still aren't work (circa age 50) and you're already annoyed with their lack of contribution, and now you have to watch them for another FIFTEEN years have absolutely no function in your house until you retire. That's a really, really long time. I couldn't respect that person anymore.

I love the ever expanding list of chores they come up with. “Buying kids clothes” — with teens that’s dropping them off at the mall with some cash.

Good plan. They will buy two outfits for $200 when you can buy 4-5.

Well than she did a terrible job raising them for the last decade; my 12 year old knows how to value shop and budget.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP works government. This is the job all my 'default parent' friends dream of getting so that they can easily handle the majority of childcare and household responsibilities (childcare pickup, sick days, doctors appointments, school closing, early departures, flex schedules so they can do after school activities, etc). Then there is another parent who is the busy rainmaker. GS-15 combined with a busy spouse is living the dream.

Nowhere in OP's posts did he suggest he's not (or would not be willing to) contribute a lot to childcare (whatever is left of it) or the household.

You posters are all delusional if you think you need a FULL TIME sahm in addition to a GS-15 dad. For high schoolers.

If he wants her to make more money, he should give up his cushy job and make more too. Fair is fair.

PP here again. Please tell me again the magic way a 50 gov manager boosts their salary? I have not seen any good exits (assume OP is not a lawyer or doctor), so where can he make much more. And not be laid off by ageism in 3 years? I want to this myself.

Leave government and be successful. My husband is over 50 and no issue finding and keeping jobs. He'd take a pay cut going to the equivalent fed.

No, if you are already in private and perhaps he has a book of business or is a director level role? We aren’t comparing coming from private to going Fed; we are comparing taking the experience as a Fed and going private. The roles are generally lower b/c you can’t bring clients or a book of business and you have no experience on profit maximizing.

I would like to hear about those who moved right into high paying private jobs at 50, and what field.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sometimes i think there are like six sahms on dcum who are nuts about hammering home their over-the-top points about how vital they are to the natural balance of the universe. This thread is nuts.

I cannot imagine being married to someone who had agreed to go back to work after, say 5 years (circa age 35) and 15 years later they still aren't work (circa age 50) and you're already annoyed with their lack of contribution, and now you have to watch them for another FIFTEEN years have absolutely no function in your house until you retire. That's a really, really long time. I couldn't respect that person anymore.

NP here. You are really lucky if you had your kids at 30. We adopted ours at 37 and 42 after years of paying for infertility treatment out of pocket and then of course adoption too. See how you can’t assume because then you make a complete @ss of you(rself and not)me?

Again people making extreme examples to justify their crucial role as homemaker.

And PP, if you adopted at 42, is your kid a high schooler? Were you SAH during all the time you were trying? Your post literally has nothing to do with you.

They are probably working and saved prior to that. That's pretty common around here to have/adopt kids when you are older.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP works government. This is the job all my 'default parent' friends dream of getting so that they can easily handle the majority of childcare and household responsibilities (childcare pickup, sick days, doctors appointments, school closing, early departures, flex schedules so they can do after school activities, etc). Then there is another parent who is the busy rainmaker. GS-15 combined with a busy spouse is living the dream.

Nowhere in OP's posts did he suggest he's not (or would not be willing to) contribute a lot to childcare (whatever is left of it) or the household.

You posters are all delusional if you think you need a FULL TIME sahm in addition to a GS-15 dad. For high schoolers.

If he wants her to make more money, he should give up his cushy job and make more too. Fair is fair.

PP here again. Please tell me again the magic way a 50 gov manager boosts their salary? I have not seen any good exits (assume OP is not a lawyer or doctor), so where can he make much more. And not be laid off by ageism in 3 years? I want to this myself.

Leave government and be successful. My husband is over 50 and no issue finding and keeping jobs. He'd take a pay cut going to the equivalent fed.

No, if you are already in private and perhaps he has a book of business or is a director level role? We aren’t comparing coming from private to going Fed; we are comparing taking the experience as a Fed and going private. The roles are generally lower b/c you can’t bring clients or a book of business and you have no experience on profit maximizing.

I would like to hear about those who moved right into high paying private jobs at 50, and what field.

Yes, it can be done and many people do it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sometimes i think there are like six sahms on dcum who are nuts about hammering home their over-the-top points about how vital they are to the natural balance of the universe. This thread is nuts.

I cannot imagine being married to someone who had agreed to go back to work after, say 5 years (circa age 35) and 15 years later they still aren't work (circa age 50) and you're already annoyed with their lack of contribution, and now you have to watch them for another FIFTEEN years have absolutely no function in your house until you retire. That's a really, really long time. I couldn't respect that person anymore.

I love the ever expanding list of chores they come up with. “Buying kids clothes” — with teens that’s dropping them off at the mall with some cash.

Good plan. They will buy two outfits for $200 when you can buy 4-5.

Well than she did a terrible job raising them for the last decade; my 12 year old knows how to value shop and budget.

I'd love to see that poster drop mine off at a mall to go shopping. I cannot remember the last time we were even in a mall and they have no interest in shopping or buying their clothing except when I force it (which is rare as its easier to buy it for them).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Are the kids working to save for their education?

This. If wife not working kids need to start on their jobs at age 16. Have them get jobs within bike riding distance and start working 20 hours per week and work throughout the summer.

[Anonymous]

NP here.

When DH asked me to become a SAHM after my 2nd kid was born, I refused at first. The way to get promoted in my particular field was through seniority. If I left the workplace, I would lose seniority and then I would have had to start from the bottom again. I also did not want my DH to become a jerk and disrespect my contribution later on, or my family to have financial difficulties and not be able to afford a decent life, college and retirement etc.

I told my DH that I would only quit if he could manage the college and retirement on his own and that I would never have to return to work again. When he readily agreed, I believed him because he had not touched a dime of my earnings through out our marriage and he had made me bank 100% of what I had earned under my name. Everything else we own jointly. Added to that was that there was no pre-nup or anything like that.

I also told him that I would retain the cleaning service etc. that I had when I was a WOHM. He agreed for that too. His rationale was that the cleaning service does the work that both he and I don't want to do, so that is a shared benefit.

My kids are in HS now, and DH is extremely grateful that I have been there to guide them through HS and college application process. When I was offered a full-time well paying job recently, my DH and kids were not happy after they realized that I will not be available to run things smoothly. DH is not a highest earner of DCUMland, but we are able to live comfortably (with some luxuries) in 40% of what he earns because we kept our fixed costs low.

I am sympathetic to OP's plight because if he did not have money woes, he probably would not have asked his wife to return to work FT. Also, most people do need the contribution of both spouse to secure their financial future. still, he needs to understand that the way he is approaching this is very disrespectful. This is a financial problem and both OP and his DW need to figure out a way to deal with it. I think his wife would be more amenable to going back to work after the kids go back to college.

[Anonymous]

OP, if she will not work head over to Mr Money Mustache and cut your expenses to the bone.

Sell one car so family gets by on one car, kids get jobs they can bike to, buy clothes from thrift stores only, eliminate restaurant meals out, rice and beans for dinner 2x per week,
get cheapest cell phone plans--Mr Money mustache has info on these, eliminate cable, etc etc etc

Tell the Mrs. you want the two of you to be able to retire early and this is what it will take