I told DW it’s time for her to return to work FT

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:When we had kids, DW became a SAHM and our discussion was always that she’d return to the workforce at some point. It’s now 15 years later, kids are in high school, and she is working part-time. I just did our taxes and she only earned $18k last year - I am a GS-15 so by no means a rainmaker. We are behind on savings, college 529, etc and I’m tired of having to agonize over every financial decision because our finances are so precarious. DW has a Masters and could be making $60-70K full time but doesn’t want to - she has many stay at home friends who are married to rainmakers, but that’s not me. I told her tonight that I’m at my wits end and she needs to step up. She doesn’t want to work full time - neither do I but I suck it up for the family. I’m very frustrated and can’t get DW to pick up the slack. I am very involved at home and with the kids so she has supper there. How can I make her understand that we can’t always get what we want?!?

To convince your wife, first, YOU must understand that we don’t always get what we want.

However, from your post it sounds like you just want to convince your wife to do what you want.

Did it ever occur to you that getting a 70K job after being out of the labor force for 15 years probably feels as impossible to her as getting a rainmaker job feels to you?

[Anonymous]

Are the kids working to save for their education?

[Anonymous]

Sometimes i think there are like six sahms on dcum who are nuts about hammering home their over-the-top points about how vital they are to the natural balance of the universe. This thread is nuts.

I cannot imagine being married to someone who had agreed to go back to work after, say 5 years (circa age 35) and 15 years later they still aren't work (circa age 50) and you're already annoyed with their lack of contribution, and now you have to watch them for another FIFTEEN years have absolutely no function in your house until you retire. That's a really, really long time. I couldn't respect that person anymore.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sometimes i think there are like six sahms on dcum who are nuts about hammering home their over-the-top points about how vital they are to the natural balance of the universe. This thread is nuts.

I cannot imagine being married to someone who had agreed to go back to work after, say 5 years (circa age 35) and 15 years later they still aren't work (circa age 50) and you're already annoyed with their lack of contribution, and now you have to watch them for another FIFTEEN years have absolutely no function in your house until you retire. That's a really, really long time. I couldn't respect that person anymore.

Np. Wife is working, part time. OP wants her to work more. I dont think op's wife cares that you dont respect her.

[Anonymous]

OP works government. This is the job all my 'default parent' friends dream of getting so that they can easily handle the majority of childcare and household responsibilities (childcare pickup, sick days, doctors appointments, school closing, early departures, flex schedules so they can do after school activities, etc). Then there is another parent who is the busy rainmaker. GS-15 combined with a busy spouse is living the dream.

Nowhere in OP's posts did he suggest he's not (or would not be willing to) contribute a lot to childcare (whatever is left of it) or the household.

You posters are all delusional if you think you need a FULL TIME sahm in addition to a GS-15 dad. For high schoolers.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Read about over-functioning and under-functioning in relationships. Instead of issuing an ultimatum for change, see if there are changes that you can make that will shift some of the balances. This might mean that you Do more with the kids while she looks for new jobs, etc.

Do more with the kids? What the hell do you do with high schoolers? I see mine at dinner if I’m lucky. They don’t need rides b/c they either drive or take the county or late bus.

That's pretty sad you cannot be bothered driving them.

NP (wife) I can’t be bothered driving my teens either. Take the bus.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sometimes i think there are like six sahms on dcum who are nuts about hammering home their over-the-top points about how vital they are to the natural balance of the universe. This thread is nuts.

I cannot imagine being married to someone who had agreed to go back to work after, say 5 years (circa age 35) and 15 years later they still aren't work (circa age 50) and you're already annoyed with their lack of contribution, and now you have to watch them for another FIFTEEN years have absolutely no function in your house until you retire. That's a really, really long time. I couldn't respect that person anymore.

Np. Wife is working, part time. OP wants her to work more. I dont think op's wife cares that you dont respect her.

But OP doesn't respect her either.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sometimes i think there are like six sahms on dcum who are nuts about hammering home their over-the-top points about how vital they are to the natural balance of the universe. This thread is nuts.

I cannot imagine being married to someone who had agreed to go back to work after, say 5 years (circa age 35) and 15 years later they still aren't work (circa age 50) and you're already annoyed with their lack of contribution, and now you have to watch them for another FIFTEEN years have absolutely no function in your house until you retire. That's a really, really long time. I couldn't respect that person anymore.

She did go back to work part-time. Maybe their agreement was she stay home and there was no discussion to go back.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You still have kids at home. To you it’s a no-brainer. For her - it will turn her whole world upside down. Will the kids come home to an empty house? Are they old enough to drive themselves to practices? Are you prepared to miss work to cover 50% of the crap that comes up during the day that she’s likely been covering herself for years? What do the kids do all summer while school’s out?

When a mom goes back to work FT after 15 years, everyone suffers a little bit. It will be a big adjustment for the whole family.

There’s more to life than money. Personally I’d rather eat beans than be forced back to work FT against my will so my teens can go home to an empty house from 2-6 every day. It’s not about keeping up with the rainmaker friends. It’s about maintaining connections with the kids while they’re still at home. They’re only under your roof for a couple more years. Can’t you catch up on savings once the kids are gone?

New poster here- This comment above nailed it. Calculate all the unpaid labor she does at home. Does she cook, clean, make doctor appointments, take the cars to get serviced, shuttle kids to and from events, do birthday gifts magically appeared wrapped up, fridge full of food, etc.

DH and I both work AND do all of the "uncalculated labor" of running the home and kids' lives. Why can't OP and OP's spouse do the same?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP works government. This is the job all my 'default parent' friends dream of getting so that they can easily handle the majority of childcare and household responsibilities (childcare pickup, sick days, doctors appointments, school closing, early departures, flex schedules so they can do after school activities, etc). Then there is another parent who is the busy rainmaker. GS-15 combined with a busy spouse is living the dream.

Nowhere in OP's posts did he suggest he's not (or would not be willing to) contribute a lot to childcare (whatever is left of it) or the household.

You posters are all delusional if you think you need a FULL TIME sahm in addition to a GS-15 dad. For high schoolers.

If he wants her to make more money, he should give up his cushy job and make more too. Fair is fair.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You still have kids at home. To you it’s a no-brainer. For her - it will turn her whole world upside down. Will the kids come home to an empty house? Are they old enough to drive themselves to practices? Are you prepared to miss work to cover 50% of the crap that comes up during the day that she’s likely been covering herself for years? What do the kids do all summer while school’s out?

When a mom goes back to work FT after 15 years, everyone suffers a little bit. It will be a big adjustment for the whole family.

There’s more to life than money. Personally I’d rather eat beans than be forced back to work FT against my will so my teens can go home to an empty house from 2-6 every day. It’s not about keeping up with the rainmaker friends. It’s about maintaining connections with the kids while they’re still at home. They’re only under your roof for a couple more years. Can’t you catch up on savings once the kids are gone?

New poster here- This comment above nailed it. Calculate all the unpaid labor she does at home. Does she cook, clean, make doctor appointments, take the cars to get serviced, shuttle kids to and from events, do birthday gifts magically appeared wrapped up, fridge full of food, etc.

DH and I both work AND do all of the "uncalculated labor" of running the home and kids' lives. Why can't OP and OP's spouse do the same?

Because he's not willing.

[Anonymous]

Drop her the second the last goes to college. Down size to a town home. House won’t get messy if the kids are grown and all the adults work during the day. OP can handle his own chores. I married for a partner, not a live in nanny/housekeeper.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:When we had kids, DW became a SAHM and our discussion was always that she’d return to the workforce at some point. It’s now 15 years later, kids are in high school, and she is working part-time. I just did our taxes and she only earned $18k last year - I am a GS-15 so by no means a rainmaker. We are behind on savings, college 529, etc and I’m tired of having to agonize over every financial decision because our finances are so precarious. DW has a Masters and could be making $60-70K full time but doesn’t want to - she has many stay at home friends who are married to rainmakers, but that’s not me. I told her tonight that I’m at my wits end and she needs to step up. She doesn’t want to work full time - neither do I but I suck it up for the family. I’m very frustrated and can’t get DW to pick up the slack. I am very involved at home and with the kids so she has supper there. How can I make her understand that we can’t always get what we want?!?

Women should realize that you cannot become a SAHM with a low earning spouse and be happy. Even with two working spouses, people are struggling to meet ends. It is also worthwhile to make a decision to not have kids or have only 1 kid if you cannot live frugally. Yesterday there was a divorced woman on DCUM who was very happy that she only had one kid. That may be the way to go for low earners...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Read about over-functioning and under-functioning in relationships. Instead of issuing an ultimatum for change, see if there are changes that you can make that will shift some of the balances. This might mean that you Do more with the kids while she looks for new jobs, etc.

Do more with the kids? What the hell do you do with high schoolers? I see mine at dinner if I’m lucky. They don’t need rides b/c they either drive or take the county or late bus.

Ours don't drive yet so they need rides every night to sports and other activities. And, to school and back. Plus, we actually spend time together.

To school and back? Thats on you for making work for yourself.

Rides to sports every night?

Fine, he's a GS15, so he can punch out at 5, and then drive the kids to sports. Or they can do carpool like 99% of parents.

During the work week, the kids have homework, sports, etc, its not like you have family bowling or something.

Not all publics provide buses. How else will they get to school? Not carpooling and having to drive other kids. Far more inconvenient.

That only works if your kids have later sports. Ours are at 5:15, so he'll make it home and to the practice in 15 minutes. Good for him.

Okay, if you construct extreme situations (do any publics around here not have buses) AND they have early practice AND he just can't get to work an hour earlier (b/c most likely he can and leave at 4), then yes, you have successfully constructed a life where you SAH is crucial to the daily life of proto-adults.

Yes, in MoCo, the consortium if you are out of zone don't have buses. Or, they will have to pay someone to replace what she does.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sometimes i think there are like six sahms on dcum who are nuts about hammering home their over-the-top points about how vital they are to the natural balance of the universe. This thread is nuts.

I cannot imagine being married to someone who had agreed to go back to work after, say 5 years (circa age 35) and 15 years later they still aren't work (circa age 50) and you're already annoyed with their lack of contribution, and now you have to watch them for another FIFTEEN years have absolutely no function in your house until you retire. That's a really, really long time. I couldn't respect that person anymore.

NP here. You are really lucky if you had your kids at 30. We adopted ours at 37 and 42 after years of paying for infertility treatment out of pocket and then of course adoption too. See how you can’t assume because then you make a complete @ss of you(rself and not)me?