I told DW it’s time for her to return to work FT

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The responses on this thread are truly insane. I don’t even know what to say.

OP, you are not wrong at all. I hope you and your wife find some common ground on this. I would be frustrated in your shoes as well. High school kids don’t need a SAHM, as much as people are saying here otherwise.

+1. All these women want equality but they still want a man to support them. Both of you working is part of equality. You want equality, contribute to your family like a man has to. There is no reason for OPs wife to not work FT. Her kids are old enough to care for themselves for a couple of hours after school until their parents get home. OPs wife sound lazy and like she want to keep up a front and just hang out with her SAHM friends. I would divorce her if she doesn't step up and being a gown up. She sounds like a spoiled child.

[Anonymous]

Take a hard look at your expenses. Move to a cheaper condo or apt if wife does not want to work. I suspect if you pare down your expenses you can probably get buy with wife working part time

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sometimes i think there are like six sahms on dcum who are nuts about hammering home their over-the-top points about how vital they are to the natural balance of the universe. This thread is nuts.

I cannot imagine being married to someone who had agreed to go back to work after, say 5 years (circa age 35) and 15 years later they still aren't work (circa age 50) and you're already annoyed with their lack of contribution, and now you have to watch them for another FIFTEEN years have absolutely no function in your house until you retire. That's a really, really long time. I couldn't respect that person anymore.

NP here. You are really lucky if you had your kids at 30. We adopted ours at 37 and 42 after years of paying for infertility treatment out of pocket and then of course adoption too. See how you can’t assume because then you make a complete @ss of you(rself and not)me?

Again people making extreme examples to justify their crucial role as homemaker.

And PP, if you adopted at 42, is your kid a high schooler? Were you SAH during all the time you were trying? Your post literally has nothing to do with you.

Wait wait. Where do I even begin with this.

Extreme example? Maybe to you? If so, that says more about you than it does about me. Because this my regular life.

If I adopted at 42, is my child a high-schooler? ? My younger child is in first grade.

Was I SAH during all the time we were trying? Of course not. In fact, until the time our second and younger was in 1st grade, in fact.

“My post has literally nothing to do with me.” How odd, because it actually has everything to do with me. It is, in fact, MY post.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sometimes i think there are like six sahms on dcum who are nuts about hammering home their over-the-top points about how vital they are to the natural balance of the universe. This thread is nuts.

I cannot imagine being married to someone who had agreed to go back to work after, say 5 years (circa age 35) and 15 years later they still aren't work (circa age 50) and you're already annoyed with their lack of contribution, and now you have to watch them for another FIFTEEN years have absolutely no function in your house until you retire. That's a really, really long time. I couldn't respect that person anymore.

NP here. You are really lucky if you had your kids at 30. We adopted ours at 37 and 42 after years of paying for infertility treatment out of pocket and then of course adoption too. See how you can’t assume because then you make a complete @ss of you(rself and not)me?

Again people making extreme examples to justify their crucial role as homemaker.

And PP, if you adopted at 42, is your kid a high schooler? Were you SAH during all the time you were trying? Your post literally has nothing to do with you.

They are probably working and saved prior to that. That's pretty common around here to have/adopt kids when you are older.

We both worked, and paid for IF out of pocket, and for adoptions, out of pocket.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When we had kids, DW became a SAHM and our discussion was always that she’d return to the workforce at some point. It’s now 15 years later, kids are in high school, and she is working part-time. I just did our taxes and she only earned $18k last year - I am a GS-15 so by no means a rainmaker. We are behind on savings, college 529, etc and I’m tired of having to agonize over every financial decision because our finances are so precarious. DW has a Masters and could be making $60-70K full time but doesn’t want to - she has many stay at home friends who are married to rainmakers, but that’s not me. I told her tonight that I’m at my wits end and she needs to step up. She doesn’t want to work full time - neither do I but I suck it up for the family. I’m very frustrated and can’t get DW to pick up the slack. I am very involved at home and with the kids so she has supper there. How can I make her understand that we can’t always get what we want?!?

To convince your wife, first, YOU must understand that we don’t always get what we want.

However, from your post it sounds like you just want to convince your wife to do what you want.

Did it ever occur to you that getting a 70K job after being out of the labor force for 15 years probably feels as impossible to her as getting a rainmaker job feels to you?

I really wish OP would reply to this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When we had kids, DW became a SAHM and our discussion was always that she’d return to the workforce at some point. It’s now 15 years later, kids are in high school, and she is working part-time. I just did our taxes and she only earned $18k last year - I am a GS-15 so by no means a rainmaker. We are behind on savings, college 529, etc and I’m tired of having to agonize over every financial decision because our finances are so precarious. DW has a Masters and could be making $60-70K full time but doesn’t want to - she has many stay at home friends who are married to rainmakers, but that’s not me. I told her tonight that I’m at my wits end and she needs to step up. She doesn’t want to work full time - neither do I but I suck it up for the family. I’m very frustrated and can’t get DW to pick up the slack. I am very involved at home and with the kids so she has supper there. How can I make her understand that we can’t always get what we want?!?

To convince your wife, first, YOU must understand that we don’t always get what we want.

However, from your post it sounds like you just want to convince your wife to do what you want.

Did it ever occur to you that getting a 70K job after being out of the labor force for 15 years probably feels as impossible to her as getting a rainmaker job feels to you?

I really wish OP would reply to this.

Well at least he is trying. First off, she can simply get a full-time job and see how that goes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:NP here.

When DH asked me to become a SAHM after my 2nd kid was born, I refused at first. The way to get promoted in my particular field was through seniority. If I left the workplace, I would lose seniority and then I would have had to start from the bottom again. I also did not want my DH to become a jerk and disrespect my contribution later on, or my family to have financial difficulties and not be able to afford a decent life, college and retirement etc.

I told my DH that I would only quit if he could manage the college and retirement on his own and that I would never have to return to work again. When he readily agreed, I believed him because he had not touched a dime of my earnings through out our marriage and he had made me bank 100% of what I had earned under my name. Everything else we own jointly. Added to that was that there was no pre-nup or anything like that.

I also told him that I would retain the cleaning service etc. that I had when I was a WOHM. He agreed for that too. His rationale was that the cleaning service does the work that both he and I don't want to do, so that is a shared benefit.

My kids are in HS now, and DH is extremely grateful that I have been there to guide them through HS and college application process. When I was offered a full-time well paying job recently, my DH and kids were not happy after they realized that I will not be available to run things smoothly. DH is not a highest earner of DCUMland, but we are able to live comfortably (with some luxuries) in 40% of what he earns because we kept our fixed costs low.

I am sympathetic to OP's plight because if he did not have money woes, he probably would not have asked his wife to return to work FT. Also, most people do need the contribution of both spouse to secure their financial future. still, he needs to understand that the way he is approaching this is very disrespectful. This is a financial problem and both OP and his DW need to figure out a way to deal with it. I think his wife would be more amenable to going back to work after the kids go back to college.

Or, most people need to stop overspending for basics like housing. You live within your means. Nice brag.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When we had kids, DW became a SAHM and our discussion was always that she’d return to the workforce at some point. It’s now 15 years later, kids are in high school, and she is working part-time. I just did our taxes and she only earned $18k last year - I am a GS-15 so by no means a rainmaker. We are behind on savings, college 529, etc and I’m tired of having to agonize over every financial decision because our finances are so precarious. DW has a Masters and could be making $60-70K full time but doesn’t want to - she has many stay at home friends who are married to rainmakers, but that’s not me. I told her tonight that I’m at my wits end and she needs to step up. She doesn’t want to work full time - neither do I but I suck it up for the family. I’m very frustrated and can’t get DW to pick up the slack. I am very involved at home and with the kids so she has supper there. How can I make her understand that we can’t always get what we want?!?

To convince your wife, first, YOU must understand that we don’t always get what we want.

However, from your post it sounds like you just want to convince your wife to do what you want.

Did it ever occur to you that getting a 70K job after being out of the labor force for 15 years probably feels as impossible to her as getting a rainmaker job feels to you?

I really wish OP would reply to this.

Well at least he is trying. First off, she can simply get a full-time job and see how that goes.

He isn't trying. He's been stuck at his same underpaid job for years. He refuses to put the effort into making more money too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When we had kids, DW became a SAHM and our discussion was always that she’d return to the workforce at some point. It’s now 15 years later, kids are in high school, and she is working part-time. I just did our taxes and she only earned $18k last year - I am a GS-15 so by no means a rainmaker. We are behind on savings, college 529, etc and I’m tired of having to agonize over every financial decision because our finances are so precarious. DW has a Masters and could be making $60-70K full time but doesn’t want to - she has many stay at home friends who are married to rainmakers, but that’s not me. I told her tonight that I’m at my wits end and she needs to step up. She doesn’t want to work full time - neither do I but I suck it up for the family. I’m very frustrated and can’t get DW to pick up the slack. I am very involved at home and with the kids so she has supper there. How can I make her understand that we can’t always get what we want?!?

To convince your wife, first, YOU must understand that we don’t always get what we want.

However, from your post it sounds like you just want to convince your wife to do what you want.

Did it ever occur to you that getting a 70K job after being out of the labor force for 15 years probably feels as impossible to her as getting a rainmaker job feels to you?

I really wish OP would reply to this.

Well at least he is trying. First off, she can simply get a full-time job and see how that goes.

He isn't trying. He's been stuck at his same underpaid job for years. He refuses to put the effort into making more money too.

Yeah, and she refuses to work full time because... she doesn't want to. Maybe she won't make 70K, but she will make more than the 18K she currently makes, and she's still young enough that her salary will continue to rise. Many of us would all love to work part time and we don't because we have to pay for college and contribute to retirement. The bottom line is, her spouse is not on board and is not comfortable being the breadwinner for life. It sounds like the plan was for her to go back to work eventually and now she doesn't want to give up her cushy life. No sympathy here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When we had kids, DW became a SAHM and our discussion was always that she’d return to the workforce at some point. It’s now 15 years later, kids are in high school, and she is working part-time. I just did our taxes and she only earned $18k last year - I am a GS-15 so by no means a rainmaker. We are behind on savings, college 529, etc and I’m tired of having to agonize over every financial decision because our finances are so precarious. DW has a Masters and could be making $60-70K full time but doesn’t want to - she has many stay at home friends who are married to rainmakers, but that’s not me. I told her tonight that I’m at my wits end and she needs to step up. She doesn’t want to work full time - neither do I but I suck it up for the family. I’m very frustrated and can’t get DW to pick up the slack. I am very involved at home and with the kids so she has supper there. How can I make her understand that we can’t always get what we want?!?

To convince your wife, first, YOU must understand that we don’t always get what we want.

However, from your post it sounds like you just want to convince your wife to do what you want.

Did it ever occur to you that getting a 70K job after being out of the labor force for 15 years probably feels as impossible to her as getting a rainmaker job feels to you?

I really wish OP would reply to this.

Well at least he is trying. First off, she can simply get a full-time job and see how that goes.

He isn't trying. He's been stuck at his same underpaid job for years. He refuses to put the effort into making more money too.

Yeah, and she refuses to work full time because... she doesn't want to. Maybe she won't make 70K, but she will make more than the 18K she currently makes, and she's still young enough that her salary will continue to rise. Many of us would all love to work part time and we don't because we have to pay for college and contribute to retirement. The bottom line is, her spouse is not on board and is not comfortable being the breadwinner for life. It sounds like the plan was for her to go back to work eventually and now she doesn't want to give up her cushy life. No sympathy here.

The real question is will he do at least 50% or more if she has no flexibility in her schedule with a new job. Assuming she works 15-20 hours part time, double that, she'd make $50K. Minus taxes and social security, plus all that other stuff, plus commute costs. At best she'll bring home $1800 a month.

If she needs to step up, so does he.

[Anonymous]

I would imagine that if she calculated all her billable hours and charge you for the pregnancies and nursing on the top of it, you would need to get another job to pay her due wages.

You owe her on sll levels snd she should divorce you right now and never look back.

[Anonymous]

you Can’t just look at the amount that the wife would make in even the first couple years back working full-time, it’s really about her full income potential until retirement. Ideally, she has a steep trajectory.

[Anonymous]

So she was rising two kids for 15 years and now as a reward she can go to work , had she ever time to heal from being married to such a selfish person...??
You must be a narcissistic emotionless empathy lacking statue. I am sure se cant wait for the kids to get out to college to dump your ass.
She should not go to work because if she divorces you know you will ha e to pay her spousal support amd that seenpms only fair considering you sitting all day long behind the desk while she was raising the family as you watched tv?
You sound like typical divorced to be ahole. I am tired of knowing so many people like you, they are everywhere, Forget the virus, this is real epidemic. Assholery.

[Anonymous]

Dude, you did not achieve your potential if you could not support your family.

[Anonymous]

This is what you can’t see..

Salary.com Reveals Stay-at-Home Moms are Worth $162,581 a Year

https://www.hrdive.com/press-release/20180514-salarycom-reveals-stay-at-home-moms-are-worth-162581-a-year/

WALTHAM, MA (May 13, 2018) - If stay-at-home moms earned an annual salary for all the hours they put toward tending to the duties of their households and children, how much would they earn? Today – in honor of Mother’s Day – Salary.com, the leading SaaS provider of cloud-based compensation data and analytics, released its 18thannual Mom Salary survey, which puts a price tag on a priceless job: motherhood.

By selecting a handful of jobs that reflect a day in the life of a mom and pulling the market compensation data for those same roles, Salary.com determined that the median annual salary of a mother for 2018 is $162,581– rising nearly $5,000 from 2017 calculations.

Through surveying thousands of working and stay-at-home moms, the 18thannual Mom Salary Survey determined a mother’s most time-consuming tasks – and the hours spent on each one. Since 2000, Salary.com has tracked how a mom’s role has morphed over the years, and how the value of this hybrid role has continued to rise. With a nearly 96-hour work-week and a six-figure annual rate, moms may be the most valuable workers in the country.

“While it’s difficult to put a price tag on a job like being a mother, we at Salary.com would like to honor all the moms out there who work their hardest day-in and day-out,” said Alys Reynders Scott, Chief Marketing Officer, Salary.com. “We would like to recognize both professional and stay-at-home Moms on their unwavering dedication to their families and other responsibilities. The work ethic does not go unnoticed or unappreciated, and we were not surprised at the substantial salary we calculated this year. It is money well-earned.”

In addition to traditional roles like performing the duties of a cook, housekeeper, nurse, and nutritionist, moms of today have more responsibilities than ever before. For example, with the rise of technology, moms are expected to sharpen their knowledge around computers, tablets, smartphones, and social media – making them extremely well-rounded in their skillsets and very valuable in terms of earning potential.

Additional insights from Salary.com’s 2018 survey data on how much a mother’s work is worth can be accessed at: https://www.companalyst.com/blog/stay-at-home-mom/.

About Salary.com
Salary.com is the leading SaaS provider of cloud-based compensation market data and analytics. Founded in 1999, the Company serves approximately 4,000 business-to-business customers worldwide with its market-leading CompAnalyst platform, designed to accelerate compensation workflows and improve efficiency. Through its Salary Wizard and consumer website, Salary.com delivers continually updated, reliable market pay data and career content to hundreds of thousands of consumers each year. The Company is committed to helping organizations drive company success by aligning compensation practices with recruiting, performance and development initiatives through easy-to-access data and meaningful insights. For more information, please visit the company website at www.salary.com.