When to cut off adult son (26)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When to cut off non disabled kid: age 18

+1

Time for more skin in the game kiddo.

This kid was supporting themselves in college and that was part of the issue. They did bartending and enjoyed it.

+1.

Something isn’t adding up here. No kid from a middle to UMC family goes away to college with the intent of being self-sufficient. Not in modern times, anyway, I’m sure all the old Gen Xers will chime in with how everyone did that in the 80s

I don’t think OP is being truthful about her son’s college life. I think his parents essentially cut him off when he went to college apart from tuition not covered by scholarships, leading him to the service industry to make quick money for food, books, rent/housing etc. Then he couldn’t do summer internships in his field because he was working to make money for the school year, and couldn’t do unpaid work during the school year because, again, he was working for pay. I’ve seen this happen a million times. The kid gets yelled at by parents for not making money at all times and starts doing restaurant, retail, landscaping work that doesn’t require any degree, then they graduate and have no experience in their field and end up staying in the service industry because it’s all they know.

Also - he’s 26 now and has a 14 year old brother? Is OP even his mother or just his step-mother, upset that the whole $1500 over 5 years they’ve given him is cutting into their family’s fun money?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am the mother of three kids. Oldest is my 26 YO son.

He was always a good student, hard working, independent. Went to college, then his life fell apart. Because of his independance streak he insisted on paying for all of his expenses in college, leading to him starting to work in the restaurant industry in college. Meaning he never had time for internships.

Anyway he graduated, and never got a real job. Now six years later he is still a full time bartender/server. Its such a waste because he is so smart and so much better then this.

Now, over the past few years there have been times where he has called us and asked for money to cover rent/bills. In the beginning I wasnt too annoyed, but as of recently Ive been really pissed off. He is 26, and working a joke of a job. He is old enough to support himself and make good financial decisions.

DH disagrees, say since it is only ever $100 here, $150 there its not a big deal. We have the money, but are getting older and are still saving up for ds14's college. Plus DS14 wont get the scholarships his siblings got as he is a worse student, so I am of the belief more money should be going into ds14, not my lazabout ds26.

DH is absolutely gobsmacked and angry over this and acting like its completely out of line I expect my 26 year old son to support himself. We have been getting into arguements over this. I think its a socioeconomic thing. DH grew up in a very priviledged DC area family who had no financial issues, while I grew up in rural West Virginia just scraping by. We now are quite well off, but the idea of supporting an adult child is just alien to me - in my family support was done at 18 and younwere expected to find a job, pay your own bills, etc.

Am I in the wrong? And if I am, is there any point at which it becomes innapropriate?

Your 26YO son went to college with scholarships but something happened- what? Maybe that is having a lasting impact and he needs help getting around it. Right now he is doing what he know he can do to pay the lulls and it probably takes all of his bandwidth to do that. As his parents, you can help him with a career counselor or a regular counselor so that he can figure out a plan and then you can help support hm in that endeavor. Since you did not pay much fr his college- are there funds left over he could use to go back to school? Some people need extra time in their 20’s to figure it out- the ones that do have supportive families. Sometimes people get into a rut and need help getting out.

You mention that you are well off but then say the extra (very minimal $) that has been sent to DS26 interferes with your DS14’s college fund. That seems suspect.

You say that you come from a family where family support is done by 18 yet you say you want to pay for your DS14 college because he is a poor student and wont get the scholarships that DS26 got. Perhaps DS14, should not go to college if he is a poor student, perhaps he should go to Community College first, perhaps he should go to trade school, perhaps he should be the bartender.

A 12 year gap between siblings is large. Your DS26 was at a very vulnerable age when his sibling was born- perhaps there is some fallout from that- especially if you are the step-parent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When to cut off non disabled kid: age 18

+1

Time for more skin in the game kiddo.

This kid was supporting themselves in college and that was part of the issue. They did bartending and enjoyed it.

+1.

Something isn’t adding up here. No kid from a middle to UMC family goes away to college with the intent of being self-sufficient. Not in modern times, anyway, I’m sure all the old Gen Xers will chime in with how everyone did that in the 80s

I don’t think OP is being truthful about her son’s college life. I think his parents essentially cut him off when he went to college apart from tuition not covered by scholarships, leading him to the service industry to make quick money for food, books, rent/housing etc. Then he couldn’t do summer internships in his field because he was working to make money for the school year, and couldn’t do unpaid work during the school year because, again, he was working for pay. I’ve seen this happen a million times. The kid gets yelled at by parents for not making money at all times and starts doing restaurant, retail, landscaping work that doesn’t require any degree, then they graduate and have no experience in their field and end up staying in the service industry because it’s all they know.

Also - he’s 26 now and has a 14 year old brother? Is OP even his mother or just his step-mother, upset that the whole $1500 over 5 years they’ve given him is cutting into their family’s fun money?

It's interesting to see the extrapolations people make based off of what? I've a feeling the people accusing the OP for not being supportive enough when the kid was in college are the same people who'd be criticizing the OP for being interfering and overbearing and over-coddling if she'd talked about helping the kid get internships and the first job.

I knew a number of kids who graduated from fancy colleges and did spend a few years basically bumming around, working in the restaurant industry or non profits in cool places like Boulder or New York and having a relaxing time. Most of them did this only for a few years and then went to grad school. OP's son is five years out of college. OP's showing frustration that her son doesn't seem to be able to get a life on track and established or working towards an end goal. This is less about the money but more about failing to launch towards something more serious.

In my case if I had a 20-something working in the restaurant or retail industries in effectively dead-end jobs and who periodically came to me for a few hundred every now and then, I'd be far less pleased about it than I would be a kid in grad school or residency asking for a few hundred to tide him or her over till the next stipend. The point is less about the money and more about the kid being on track to something better.

The good news is the kid is still young. He can still get his act together. If I were OP I'd be talking about grad school, even offering to allow him to move home for a year as long as he goes to a local grad program to get his GIS training up to date or whatever grad school interests him, that kind of support is fine with me.

[Anonymous]

OP, please just admit that the 26 YO is your step son and the 14YO is your son. It's painfully obvious.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Don't hate on the restaurant job. I waitressed at an posh restaurant in DC while I supported myself in nursing school. Most of my server/bartender colleagues were highly educated ppl (Yale, Berkeley, Brown, etc.) that just didn't desire the 9-5 corporate job. We made great money and had a LOT, a LOT of fun (all legal). They did support themselves though.

And that's fine if they are able to support themselves and have long term plans, but this is not the case for OP. Sheesh.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am the mother of three kids. Oldest is my 26 YO son.

He was always a good student, hard working, independent. Went to college, then his life fell apart. Because of his independance streak he insisted on paying for all of his expenses in college, leading to him starting to work in the restaurant industry in college. Meaning he never had time for internships.

Anyway he graduated, and never got a real job. Now six years later he is still a full time bartender/server. Its such a waste because he is so smart and so much better then this.

Now, over the past few years there have been times where he has called us and asked for money to cover rent/bills. In the beginning I wasnt too annoyed, but as of recently Ive been really pissed off. He is 26, and working a joke of a job. He is old enough to support himself and make good financial decisions.

DH disagrees, say since it is only ever $100 here, $150 there its not a big deal. We have the money, but are getting older and are still saving up for ds14's college. Plus DS14 wont get the scholarships his siblings got as he is a worse student, so I am of the belief more money should be going into ds14, not my lazabout ds26.

DH is absolutely gobsmacked and angry over this and acting like its completely out of line I expect my 26 year old son to support himself. We have been getting into arguements over this. I think its a socioeconomic thing. DH grew up in a very priviledged DC area family who had no financial issues, while I grew up in rural West Virginia just scraping by. We now are quite well off, but the idea of supporting an adult child is just alien to me - in my family support was done at 18 and younwere expected to find a job, pay your own bills, etc.

Am I in the wrong? And if I am, is there any point at which it becomes innapropriate?

Then why are you saving for DS 14's college fund?

Since you didn't give DS 26 any money for college i don't think there is any harm in helping him out here and there. You aren't supporting him - he is working full time and living on his own but occasionally a little short. And he graduated college at 20? That seems early. If you have the money and you didn't give him any money for college, I would help him out now.

It seems you have two standards for your two kids. That is my biggest issue. One you want to provide financial support to and one you don't.

This is the red flag that suggests PP isn't telling the whole story.

[Anonymous]

You are wrong and you don't act like a loving mother. I thought he lives at home and has no job when I saw your title. I will always help my kids l, as long as I can do so.

[Anonymous]

Must be a step son.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am the mother of three kids. Oldest is my 26 YO son.

He was always a good student, hard working, independent. Went to college, then his life fell apart. Because of his independance streak he insisted on paying for all of his expenses in college, leading to him starting to work in the restaurant industry in college. Meaning he never had time for internships.

Anyway he graduated, and never got a real job. Now six years later he is still a full time bartender/server. Its such a waste because he is so smart and so much better then this.

Now, over the past few years there have been times where he has called us and asked for money to cover rent/bills. In the beginning I wasnt too annoyed, but as of recently Ive been really pissed off. He is 26, and working a joke of a job. He is old enough to support himself and make good financial decisions.

DH disagrees, say since it is only ever $100 here, $150 there its not a big deal. We have the money, but are getting older and are still saving up for ds14's college. Plus DS14 wont get the scholarships his siblings got as he is a worse student, so I am of the belief more money should be going into ds14, not my lazabout ds26.

DH is absolutely gobsmacked and angry over this and acting like its completely out of line I expect my 26 year old son to support himself. We have been getting into arguements over this. I think its a socioeconomic thing. DH grew up in a very priviledged DC area family who had no financial issues, while I grew up in rural West Virginia just scraping by. We now are quite well off, but the idea of supporting an adult child is just alien to me - in my family support was done at 18 and younwere expected to find a job, pay your own bills, etc.

Am I in the wrong? And if I am, is there any point at which it becomes innapropriate?

Then why are you saving for DS 14's college fund?

Since you didn't give DS 26 any money for college i don't think there is any harm in helping him out here and there. You aren't supporting him - he is working full time and living on his own but occasionally a little short. And he graduated college at 20? That seems early. If you have the money and you didn't give him any money for college, I would help him out now.

It seems you have two standards for your two kids. That is my biggest issue. One you want to provide financial support to and one you don't.

This is the red flag that suggests PP isn't telling the whole story.

It makes perfect sense to me. Oldest DH started out well, bright, won scholarships/merit aid to college (note, that doesn't mean parents still didn't pay for most of college) and took part time jobs because he was independent and wanted to support himself. Parents were probably impressed all around.

Then he seemed to just stop maturing. Instead of using that discipline and academic capability to launch himself into the real world, he effectively went sideways. And he's stuck in this sideways purgatory of dead end jobs rather than going forward. That's what we call failure to launch.

OP has a younger son (she says she's parent to three kids) and she said her younger son doesn't have the educational aptitude of his elder siblings so is not likely to get scholarships aka merit aid and parents will need to pay the full cost.

She's angry/frustrated that her oldest son, who had the aptitude and discipline to get ahead in life, isn't (so far). That's why her post is angry because she's worried for her son. It's not and never been about the money but more about the son's inability to accomplish something with life.

There is no red flag nor hidden story, but a rather common scenario.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm shocked at the number of people here that think it's okay for a 26 year old adult to not be able to support himself. At 26, I had a full-time job, an apartment in DC, car payments, paying off student loans, etc. I think I was 24 when my dad took me off their car insurance and told me it was time for me to take care of it. I didn't think there was anything wrong with that.

He IS supporting himself. Aside from $1500 over five years, he has a full-time job, is paying his own rent, car insurance, etc. He has asked for money a couple of times for emergencies, but he's not relying on his parents for regular living expenses.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There's A LOT more to this story

Agreed. In her initial post she is making the son or step-son the scapegoat implying because of the $1500 she and her husband have given over the years, their ability to pay for the tuition of the younger sibling is in jeopardy. It's clear in her post she resents this kid for living. She also seems to be angry that she and her spouse will be footing the bill for college for the younger sibling because that sibling is a "worse student". There's a boatload of resentment and dysfunction in this family. Sounds like a step-mom to me.

[Anonymous]

I don’t know of any native-born Americans (OP said she was raised in West Virginia) who use the term “gobsmacked”. This is a British term.

[Anonymous]

I mean if you don’t want to give him any more money, don’t give him any more money. If $1500 over 5 years or whatever is such a burden just tell him so - although I suspect his father doesn’t see it this way, so perhaps that’s an issue for OP. If he’s happy working in a restaurant, just let him be - he’s an adult.

[Anonymous]

OP here. Ive read everything, but its a lot.

First, DS 26 is my son, not stepson. DS14 is adopted, which might help explain the age difference, while DS 26 and dd 24 are both me and DH's biological kids. Not that this matters, or I felt the need to share this earlier as whatever the situation it wouldnt change my feelings.

Also, people are getting hung up on me mentioning payong for DS14's college but not ds26. Me and DH were fully ready and willing to pay for ds26's college tuition and bills, for an Ivy, but ds26 threw a fit and refused to accept our help, instead going behind our back enrolling himself in a far less prestigious university that was offering him a lot of scholarships and for which he could support himself through collage.

And I get it, $1500 over 5 years is not a lot. We certainly can afford to lost the money. In my view though it is a moral issue of a 26 year old being so professionally incapable he cant pay his own rent or put food on his table. Granted, as I said, I am probably biased from my own upbringing where I had to work starting at age 14 to support my parents and was still giving my parents a quarter of every paycheck well into my 30s/married life.

Anyway, thank you for all your advice, and I think it has helped me figure out a path forward. Im going to put my foot down with DH and start the proccess of cutting him off for good. If DS needs to struggle to figure out how to live, then I agree it might be time for that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, please just admit that the 26 YO is your step son and the 14YO is your son. It's painfully obvious.

DP. It’s possible to have 12 years between your oldest and youngest child. It happened in my family. Actress Beanie Feldstein was 16 years younger than her oldest brother Jordan.