When to cut off adult son (26)

[Anonymous]

[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]I think your 26 year old needs your help. Badly. Not financial. But perhaps you could help him with a career counselor or something to help him get started. My guess is he's stuck and he needs some help getting unstuck. Plus, I remember from working restaurant jobs (over the summers in college) it's so easy to get sucked into the routine and unhealthy activities (shift beers every night after close, pot smoking).

I really don't think this is about the money. I bet your son wants more for himself but he's feel paralyzed. [b]My biggest hope is that he doesn't have any addictions that you're unaware of.[/b] [/quote]

I agree.

[b]The red flag is leaving home and not being able to hack it. ADHD is extremely common, and that might be contributing to his issues. If you didn't notice if before, it could be the inattentive kind, not the hyperactive kind. He might need to be evaluated.[/b]

I also grew up thinking parenting your kids is for life, not until an arbitrary cut-off date. Like PP said, it's less about giving him a fish than teaching him how to fish. And that will take even MORE effort on your part, OP, so get ready.


[/quote]

+1 All this.

[b]The restaurant industry is loaded with drugs and alcohol. I've known very few people who have work in that industry long-term who aren't heavy drinkers and recreational drug users.[/b][/quote]

Generalize much? I know many people in the industry, undoubtedly more than you, and not only are they mostly well adjusted, decent, interesting and smart people -- and a lot more fun than the tools on K Street -- they're supporting themselves.

Which leads me to OP's son. If it's really true that he's not asking for all that much money and not all that often, it means he can probably do without it with a little belt-tightening. Tell him to tighten his belt.

I've always told my kids that that I consider them to be successful if they're (1) happy and (2) aren't asking their parents for money. You're not all that far off with your son. He just needs a nudge. [/quote]

NP.

That’s true about the restaurant industry. Loads of drugs and alcohol.

[Anonymous]

This thread is over 2 years old.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP Here: Thank you for all the advice. In total over the past 5 years or so we have probably given him between $1000-1500 in total. All in small increments. One of DH's biggest arguements is that he has always had good reasons for needing it - one time he got fired (along with half his coworkers) after a management changeover at his job and it took a month or two to find a new job. Or his car died and he was running around trying to fix it.

I dont think mental illness or drug abuse has anything to do with it. He does drink but we have no evidence that he does so to excess or is dependent on it.

He does, at least claim, to want to go back to grad school, but always cites financial reasons as to why he cant do so, so Im not sure how serious he is about that.

His degree is in geography/GIS, so definitely not a good degree.

As foe him moving home, I would be okay with that, but as he lives down in South Carolina, I suspect he would prefer to remain independent.

Wow. That is not a lot over five years. I think the handwringing about this is overblown.

[Anonymous]

+1!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This thread is over 2 years old.

OP update on your son? He must be 28 now! Hopefully he is doing well….

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:To the OP: Lay down the law to your husband and draw the line with your kid, or you'll just keep having the same problem forever. My 26yr old son moved a thousand miles away when he was 21, has worked hard with no help from anyone, and is now in a VERY good job. My 27 yr old and my 24 yr old have also done very well for themselves. All of my kids are well aware that they must be making all adult decisions for themselves by the age of 17. Because that is the way my Mother raised us. You aren't doing your kid any favors by enabling. I taught mine to hustle. If you have no money, you'd better find an extra job real fast to pick up some extra cash, because you won't get any from me. Good luck.

So, does that mean you'll never expect your kids to give you any money either?

[Anonymous]

Because of his independance streak he insisted on paying for all of his expenses in college,

There was some disagreement. A big disagreement, about something ... We need to know more about this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:To the OP: Lay down the law to your husband and draw the line with your kid, or you'll just keep having the same problem forever. My 26yr old son moved a thousand miles away when he was 21, has worked hard with no help from anyone, and is now in a VERY good job. My 27 yr old and my 24 yr old have also done very well for themselves. All of my kids are well aware that they must be making all adult decisions for themselves by the age of 17. Because that is the way my Mother raised us. You aren't doing your kid any favors by enabling. I taught mine to hustle. If you have no money, you'd better find an extra job real fast to pick up some extra cash, because you won't get any from me. Good luck.

So, does that mean you'll never expect your kids to give you any money either?

DP, but 100% correct. Be adult and make own way goes both ways.

[Anonymous]

Shame on whomever resurrected this thread. If for no reason. Wasting our time. Why old threads. Why do you do this?

[Anonymous]

Re: When to cut off adult son (26).

About 10 years ago…

[Anonymous]

If you are going to cut him off, you'd better be consistent about it and continue to ignore him if you ever need a favor from him one day.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What was his college degree in? The unemployment rate is so low that decent jobs are plentiful. Instead of just giving him money, you and your DH should invest in him getting some career counseling.

This. Shane you didn’t do it when he was younger. The kid is lost. You don’t want him to be 46 and in the same situation.

No. DS needs to go to his college's career office and talk first with them. This is their job. A good career office talks to grads at all points in life.

[Anonymous]

So your 14 year old with bad grades doesn’t get called lazy but the one who worked his way through school does?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So your 14 year old with bad grades doesn’t get called lazy but the one who worked his way through school does?

Yeah this

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So your 14 year old with bad grades doesn’t get called lazy but the one who worked his way through school does?

I had bad grades in school and now make 80k a year, while my brother was a straight A student and now makes 60k a year.