When to cut off adult son (26)

[Anonymous]

I am the mother of three kids. Oldest is my 26 YO son.

He was always a good student, hard working, independent. Went to college, then his life fell apart. Because of his independance streak he insisted on paying for all of his expenses in college, leading to him starting to work in the restaurant industry in college. Meaning he never had time for internships.

Anyway he graduated, and never got a real job. Now six years later he is still a full time bartender/server. Its such a waste because he is so smart and so much better then this.

Now, over the past few years there have been times where he has called us and asked for money to cover rent/bills. In the beginning I wasnt too annoyed, but as of recently Ive been really pissed off. He is 26, and working a joke of a job. He is old enough to support himself and make good financial decisions.

DH disagrees, say since it is only ever $100 here, $150 there its not a big deal. We have the money, but are getting older and are still saving up for ds14's college. Plus DS14 wont get the scholarships his siblings got as he is a worse student, so I am of the belief more money should be going into ds14, not my lazabout ds26.

DH is absolutely gobsmacked and angry over this and acting like its completely out of line I expect my 26 year old son to support himself. We have been getting into arguements over this. I think its a socioeconomic thing. DH grew up in a very priviledged DC area family who had no financial issues, while I grew up in rural West Virginia just scraping by. We now are quite well off, but the idea of supporting an adult child is just alien to me - in my family support was done at 18 and younwere expected to find a job, pay your own bills, etc.

Am I in the wrong? And if I am, is there any point at which it becomes innapropriate?

[Anonymous]

Today. There is no better time.
He will be fine. He CAN be responsible for himself, maybe a boost of confidence that he needs. It shows that you trust that he will be able to handle it.

-If son has a problem, tell him I’m sorry you’re having that problem.
-if he asks you for help, and only then maybe..perhaps.. if you want to..you can help him out
-you and your husband should decide together and be in agreement about any help. If husband disagrees and does it anyway, fine, but you’re not any part of it. And some of that depends on how much exactly is being given. You must insist at least that is being tracked, and that you know how much is being given.

[Anonymous]

What did your son major in? A history degree isn't going to get him a great job. He needs to go to grad school, get some real experience under his belt and then look for a decent job. You are asking for a lot considering he has no experience doing anything.

[Anonymous]

I think your 26 year old needs your help. Badly. Not financial. But perhaps you could help him with a career counselor or something to help him get started. My guess is he's stuck and he needs some help getting unstuck. Plus, I remember from working restaurant jobs (over the summers in college) it's so easy to get sucked into the routine and unhealthy activities (shift beers every night after close, pot smoking).

I really don't think this is about the money. I bet your son wants more for himself but he's feel paralyzed. My biggest hope is that he doesn't have any addictions that you're unaware of.

[Anonymous]

What was his college degree in? The unemployment rate is so low that decent jobs are plentiful. Instead of just giving him money, you and your DH should invest in him getting some career counseling.

[Anonymous]

Also, I don't think you should hold the fact that your older son was able to attract scholarship funds against him. My guess is you and your husband are both really worried for him and the way you want to help him is coming out in different ways.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Today. There is no better time.
He will be fine. He CAN be responsible for himself, maybe a boost of confidence that he needs. It shows that you trust that he will be able to handle it.

-If son has a problem, tell him I’m sorry you’re having that problem.
-if he asks you for help, and only then maybe..perhaps.. if you want to..you can help him out
-you and your husband should decide together and be in agreement about any help. If husband disagrees and does it anyway, fine, but you’re not any part of it. And some of that depends on how much exactly is being given. You must insist at least that is being tracked, and that you know how much is being given.

PP here. Where I’m coming from as someone whose parents did very little to help them out as a college student, but there were times even as recent college graduate that my mom took me shopping for appropriate work clothes. Because it’s hard to afford a wardrobe when you’re coming out of school and starting your first job.

PP here. Where I’m coming from is someone whose parents did very little to help me out as a college student, but there were times even as recent college graduate that my mom took me shopping for appropriate work clothes. Because it’s hard to afford a wardrobe when you’re coming out of school and starting your first job.

There’s give-and-take. It’s nice to do things for your kids even when they’re grown up, but you should **want** to.

[Anonymous]

Let him know that you can only help with x amount this year, and you ha e to start tightening the belt around the house. Tell him if he can save that amount, and get a new job, you’ll double it. It worked for a relative that needed a little carrot to help in building the savings habits.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think your 26 year old needs your help. Badly. Not financial. But perhaps you could help him with a career counselor or something to help him get started. My guess is he's stuck and he needs some help getting unstuck. Plus, I remember from working restaurant jobs (over the summers in college) it's so easy to get sucked into the routine and unhealthy activities (shift beers every night after close, pot smoking).

I really don't think this is about the money. I bet your son wants more for himself but he's feel paralyzed. My biggest hope is that he doesn't have any addictions that you're unaware of.

I agree.

The red flag is leaving home and not being able to hack it. ADHD is extremely common, and that might be contributing to his issues. If you didn't notice if before, it could be the inattentive kind, not the hyperactive kind. He might need to be evaluated.

I also grew up thinking parenting your kids is for life, not until an arbitrary cut-off date. Like PP said, it's less about giving him a fish than teaching him how to fish. And that will take even MORE effort on your part, OP, so get ready.

[Anonymous]

Weird I don’t know why it duplicated that.^^ I never even copy and pasted a part of it.. shrug

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What was his college degree in? The unemployment rate is so low that decent jobs are plentiful. Instead of just giving him money, you and your DH should invest in him getting some career counseling.

This. Shane you didn’t do it when he was younger. The kid is lost. You don’t want him to be 46 and in the same situation.

[Anonymous]

I do understand where your thought processes is, but your son has a job and it's legal. While that bar may sound low to many, some kids take longer to find their way.

He doesn't sound lazy, he sounds lost. Which I get is hard to change his thought process, like ie go to graduate school to change careers to something else. Or take a low paying corporate job and get better skills.

If this makes you feel any better. I have a 26 year old DS and quite a few of his friends are similar to yours. Some have even told their parents they do not want to work for "the man" and for example one who has an engineering degree works for Trader Joe's a stocker, he went to MIT. Obviously, his mom isn't happy, dad is taking it better.

If your DS was asking for $1,000s of dollars a month I'd be more concerned.

He might just need more time to figure it how to move off to the next step in life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think your 26 year old needs your help. Badly. Not financial. But perhaps you could help him with a career counselor or something to help him get started. My guess is he's stuck and he needs some help getting unstuck. Plus, I remember from working restaurant jobs (over the summers in college) it's so easy to get sucked into the routine and unhealthy activities (shift beers every night after close, pot smoking).

I really don't think this is about the money. I bet your son wants more for himself but he's feel paralyzed. My biggest hope is that he doesn't have any addictions that you're unaware of.

I agree.

The red flag is leaving home and not being able to hack it. ADHD is extremely common, and that might be contributing to his issues. If you didn't notice if before, it could be the inattentive kind, not the hyperactive kind. He might need to be evaluated.

I also grew up thinking parenting your kids is for life, not until an arbitrary cut-off date. Like PP said, it's less about giving him a fish than teaching him how to fish. And that will take even MORE effort on your part, OP, so get ready.

+1 All this.

The restaurant industry is loaded with drugs and alcohol. I've known very few people who have work in that industry long-term who aren't heavy drinkers and recreational drug users.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think your 26 year old needs your help. Badly. Not financial. But perhaps you could help him with a career counselor or something to help him get started. My guess is he's stuck and he needs some help getting unstuck. Plus, I remember from working restaurant jobs (over the summers in college) it's so easy to get sucked into the routine and unhealthy activities (shift beers every night after close, pot smoking).

I really don't think this is about the money. I bet your son wants more for himself but he's feel paralyzed. My biggest hope is that he doesn't have any addictions that you're unaware of.

+1. I think you and your husband need to sit down and discuss this with less emotion.

I'm with you that your son should make an effort to "launch." 26 is still young and the economy is good. I'd be more focused on helping him get a job that will lead to a career than worrying about a few $ here and there. How does your husband feel about your son still working f/t in the restaurant industry?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think your 26 year old needs your help. Badly. Not financial. But perhaps you could help him with a career counselor or something to help him get started. My guess is he's stuck and he needs some help getting unstuck. Plus, I remember from working restaurant jobs (over the summers in college) it's so easy to get sucked into the routine and unhealthy activities (shift beers every night after close, pot smoking).

I really don't think this is about the money. I bet your son wants more for himself but he's feel paralyzed. My biggest hope is that he doesn't have any addictions that you're unaware of.

I agree.

The red flag is leaving home and not being able to hack it. ADHD is extremely common, and that might be contributing to his issues. If you didn't notice if before, it could be the inattentive kind, not the hyperactive kind. He might need to be evaluated.

I also grew up thinking parenting your kids is for life, not until an arbitrary cut-off date. Like PP said, it's less about giving him a fish than teaching him how to fish. And that will take even MORE effort on your part, OP, so get ready.

+1 All this.

The restaurant industry is loaded with drugs and alcohol. I've known very few people who have work in that industry long-term who aren't heavy drinkers and recreational drug users.

Generalize much? I know many people in the industry, undoubtedly more than you, and not only are they mostly well adjusted, decent, interesting and smart people -- and a lot more fun than the tools on K Street -- they're supporting themselves.

Which leads me to OP's son. If it's really true that he's not asking for all that much money and not all that often, it means he can probably do without it with a little belt-tightening. Tell him to tighten his belt.

I've always told my kids that that I consider them to be successful if they're (1) happy and (2) aren't asking their parents for money. You're not all that far off with your son. He just needs a nudge.