When to cut off adult son (26)

[Anonymous]

I would let it go, OP. $500 a year is not worth fighting with your spouse. If you cut him off, DH will probably end up giving him the money without your knowledge.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Ive read everything, but its a lot.

First, DS 26 is my son, not stepson. DS14 is adopted, which might help explain the age difference, while DS 26 and dd 24 are both me and DH's biological kids. Not that this matters, or I felt the need to share this earlier as whatever the situation it wouldnt change my feelings.

Also, people are getting hung up on me mentioning payong for DS14's college but not ds26. Me and DH were fully ready and willing to pay for ds26's college tuition and bills, for an Ivy, but ds26 threw a fit and refused to accept our help, instead going behind our back enrolling himself in a far less prestigious university that was offering him a lot of scholarships and for which he could support himself through collage.

And I get it, $1500 over 5 years is not a lot. We certainly can afford to lost the money. In my view though it is a moral issue of a 26 year old being so professionally incapable he cant pay his own rent or put food on his table. Granted, as I said, I am probably biased from my own upbringing where I had to work starting at age 14 to support my parents and was still giving my parents a quarter of every paycheck well into my 30s/married life.

Anyway, thank you for all your advice, and I think it has helped me figure out a path forward. Im going to put my foot down with DH and start the proccess of cutting him off for good. If DS needs to struggle to figure out how to live, then I agree it might be time for that.

You heard nothing at all. You seem to be the rigid sort.

You pat yourself on the back that you were giving your parents a quarter of your paycheck well into your 30s, but you cannot sit down and have a decent conversation with your son about his long term goals etc.. and how you can support him with a career coach and get him out of his "joke of a job". I think I see why your son did not want your money for the Ivy and wanted to be independent instead. You reap what you sow, lady!

Also your son seems capable of paying his own rent and food. $1500 over 5 years is nothing to throw a fit about.

[Anonymous]

'Now six years later he is still a full time bartender/server. Its such a waste because he is so smart and so much better then this'

Do you expect a real job, a career, to simply fall into his lap?

[Anonymous]

Hey OP. You are a terrible person. Restaurant work is not beneath you or a "joke", and restaurant employees are not stupid people. You are not better than them. Get over your snobbery, especially since you yourself come from nothing. It's not as if he's "ruining" a pedigree.

P.S. I also had to work starting at the age of 14.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Ive read everything, but its a lot.

First, DS 26 is my son, not stepson. DS14 is adopted, which might help explain the age difference, while DS 26 and dd 24 are both me and DH's biological kids. Not that this matters, or I felt the need to share this earlier as whatever the situation it wouldnt change my feelings.

Also, people are getting hung up on me mentioning payong for DS14's college but not ds26. Me and DH were fully ready and willing to pay for ds26's college tuition and bills, for an Ivy, but ds26 threw a fit and refused to accept our help, instead going behind our back enrolling himself in a far less prestigious university that was offering him a lot of scholarships and for which he could support himself through collage.

And I get it, $1500 over 5 years is not a lot. We certainly can afford to lost the money. In my view though it is a moral issue of a 26 year old being so professionally incapable he cant pay his own rent or put food on his table. Granted, as I said, I am probably biased from my own upbringing where I had to work starting at age 14 to support my parents and was still giving my parents a quarter of every paycheck well into my 30s/married life.

Anyway, thank you for all your advice, and I think it has helped me figure out a path forward. Im going to put my foot down with DH and start the proccess of cutting him off for good. If DS needs to struggle to figure out how to live, then I agree it might be time for that.

If you had 200k+ saved to send him to an Ivy, then offer him a chunk of that money now if he goes to grad school?

This story doesn't add up at all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Ive read everything, but its a lot.

First, DS 26 is my son, not stepson. DS14 is adopted, which might help explain the age difference, while DS 26 and dd 24 are both me and DH's biological kids. Not that this matters, or I felt the need to share this earlier as whatever the situation it wouldnt change my feelings.

Also, people are getting hung up on me mentioning payong for DS14's college but not ds26. Me and DH were fully ready and willing to pay for ds26's college tuition and bills, for an Ivy, but ds26 threw a fit and refused to accept our help, instead going behind our back enrolling himself in a far less prestigious university that was offering him a lot of scholarships and for which he could support himself through collage.

And I get it, $1500 over 5 years is not a lot. We certainly can afford to lost the money. In my view though it is a moral issue of a 26 year old being so professionally incapable he cant pay his own rent or put food on his table. Granted, as I said, I am probably biased from my own upbringing where I had to work starting at age 14 to support my parents and was still giving my parents a quarter of every paycheck well into my 30s/married life.

Anyway, thank you for all your advice, and I think it has helped me figure out a path forward. Im going to put my foot down with DH and start the proccess of cutting him off for good. If DS needs to struggle to figure out how to live, then I agree it might be time for that.

That $1,500 won't even pay for textbooks for your second kid's college career. You're not paying his rent or putting food on the table. Rent is way more than $150 a week, much less a year.

You have to be a troll so I'm out of this thread.

[Anonymous]

To me it's pretty obvious what happened here. OP was so overbearing when the son was in high school that he decided he'd be better off paying his own way to college than dealing with her. But he's maintained a good relationship with his father.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:To me it's pretty obvious what happened here. OP was so overbearing when the son was in high school that he decided he'd be better off paying his own way to college than dealing with her. But he's maintained a good relationship with his father.

Ding Ding Ding!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:To me it's pretty obvious what happened here. OP was so overbearing when the son was in high school that he decided he'd be better off paying his own way to college than dealing with her. But he's maintained a good relationship with his father.

Ding Ding Ding!

Op is clearly uneducated and resentful.

[Anonymous]

Husband and son should be communicating just the two of them and not informing Op. No reason husband and son can't have a good relationship. No reason the father can't lend a hand to his own son, occasionally, financially as husband sees fit. Op does not get have control. Husband gets a 50% say. Husband should have control of 50% of their assets, and can do whatever he wants.

[Anonymous]

So all you people who say OP is a terrible person.. in 10 years time, if her DS comes back at 36 asking for $100 to help pay the rent, is that still fine? What about 46? 56? At what age should an adult with a college degree be able to stand on their own too feet?

[Anonymous]

He’s your son. Help him out. Don’t you want him to help you when you need him in the future.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So all you people who say OP is a terrible person.. in 10 years time, if her DS comes back at 36 asking for $100 to help pay the rent, is that still fine? What about 46? 56? At what age should an adult with a college degree be able to stand on their own too feet?

My grandparents used to regularly gift my parents money without them asking (especially to pay for things like college). My parents are really stingy and wouldn't give us a dime . If I knew my child need $100 every now and then, I'd give it without them asking.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So all you people who say OP is a terrible person.. in 10 years time, if her DS comes back at 36 asking for $100 to help pay the rent, is that still fine? What about 46? 56? At what age should an adult with a college degree be able to stand on their own too feet?

My grandparents used to regularly gift my parents money without them asking (especially to pay for things like college). My parents are really stingy and wouldn't give us a dime . If I knew my child need $100 every now and then, I'd give it without them asking.

Gifting someone money without them asking for it because they can't stand on their own two feet as adults is one thing.... asking your parents for help at 36 because you decide to stay in a dead end job like bartending for 15 years is another thing.

I have no problems with blue collar jobs. My parents were blue collar. The issue is not that he's a bartender. The issue is that he can't provide for himself AND he seems to have no future plans to be able to do so.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So all you people who say OP is a terrible person.. in 10 years time, if her DS comes back at 36 asking for $100 to help pay the rent, is that still fine? What about 46? 56? At what age should an adult with a college degree be able to stand on their own too feet?

$100. Yes.