When to cut off adult son (26)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What was his college degree in? The unemployment rate is so low that decent jobs are plentiful. Instead of just giving him money, you and your DH should invest in him getting some career counseling.

Actually, regardless of numbers that may or may not be honest the reality is that many places are bleeding jobs. The majority of graduates from upper tier schools I know are not landing jobs of the caliber they trained for and end up flopping until something hits and they are lucky. These aren't bums-they went to good schools and had great grades, multiple internships, etc. and majored in business, engineering, and biochemistry. The market is not taking them. The only people I know who have gotten good jobs immediately out of school admitted that their parents pulled in favors.

I agree with career counseling but the job market is far from shooting fish in barrels.

[Anonymous]

January and February can be slow tip months in the restaurant business.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What was his college degree in? The unemployment rate is so low that decent jobs are plentiful. Instead of just giving him money, you and your DH should invest in him getting some career counseling.

Actually, regardless of numbers that may or may not be honest the reality is that many places are bleeding jobs. The majority of graduates from upper tier schools I know are not landing jobs of the caliber they trained for and end up flopping until something hits and they are lucky. These aren't bums-they went to good schools and had great grades, multiple internships, etc. and majored in business, engineering, and biochemistry. The market is not taking them. The only people I know who have gotten good jobs immediately out of school admitted that their parents pulled in favors.

I agree with career counseling but the job market is far from shooting fish in barrels.

I would avoid the superlatives PP.

Most people with career-track jobs worked very hard to get them - networking, coffee with alums, cold call emails, read books, asked for advice, hit the pavement, did city treks, etc.

People that just blasted off online application resumes got little.

People that got in front a a decision maker and were well-prepped, even offered a 90 day probation person or to do a side consulting project before full time hire decision also got on their desired job track.

Equally important, take any good job and in the meantime keep working towards your desired job and interviewing.

Job searches are time and energy. Doing them in waves works for me -whether I was a student, unemployed or already working fulltime in an office and needed a change. Get your name out there.

[Anonymous]

I am 35 and back when I was 24-25 my parents paid for my masters and my living expenses ($1200 a month on top of tuition).
Before my masters was over, I was able to get a great job that paid a lot for me at the time. I would not have been able to afford the masters on my own

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am 35 and back when I was 24-25 my parents paid for my masters and my living expenses ($1200 a month on top of tuition).
Before my masters was over, I was able to get a great job that paid a lot for me at the time. I would not have been able to afford the masters on my own

And no one said OP should not help her son if he is trying for a masters. But he's not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:January and February can be slow tip months in the restaurant business.

even more reason for him to find a different job with a better future.

[Anonymous]

Does he live in NYC? It's not unheard of to have that kind of a lifestyle.
He can do bartending for another decade and still succeed, as long as he has some sort of a goal. But punishing him over $1,500 is ridiculous.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am 35 and back when I was 24-25 my parents paid for my masters and my living expenses ($1200 a month on top of tuition).
Before my masters was over, I was able to get a great job that paid a lot for me at the time. I would not have been able to afford the masters on my own

Great you had some academic and career goals and worked towards them. OP’s son does not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have only read the original post.
I come from a culture where parents support kids well into adulthood, and kids support parents in their old age.
It is not the most traditional “eastern” culture and things are changing now, but this is the general understanding.
Kicking kids out at 18 is unusual.
I understand that the US is different and is often guided by the Protestant work ethic.
However, more and more immigrants arrive from cultures like mine, and they support their kids who then get a leg up.
I think it will be increasingly important to support kids if we don’t want them to lose in life.
I think your son needs help finding a real job, and a recognition that his parents have his back.
I think yes you should support him, plus figure out if he has anxiety preventing him from achieving more, plus help him find a job.
This is just my opinion and my kid is still young, but that’s what I am planning to do if he fails to launch.

+1
Another 1st Gen immigrant. I will support my kids till they are financially, socially ahead. Then I will continue to help them to raise the kids etc so that their family life is not stressful. The only American thing I have adopted is to take care of retirement and have tons of insurance. I have enough for my needs and I can give a leg up to any child, sibling, nephews or nieces, ILs that need genuine help.

You guys didn't read carefully. I'm a first gen immigrant, and while I wholeheartedly support helping my adult kids, I would not be happy if they were 26 and still bartending with no goal to get a higher paying job and be self sufficient by 30.

I am the first PP. that’s why I mentioned other help too. It is not normal to be content with not being self sufficient.

I'm also 1st generation and was able to work my way thru school and didn't expect too much help from my struggling parents. We also hired a nanny to not burden them, so they can enjoy thier retirement years.
My kids will have paid colleges and so many more opportunities, I fully expect them to exceed our fnan sucess and not need our help.
But if they choose a low-paying career but are happy, I would be fine with it. They have to live with thier choices. Help him but with condition he needs an exit plan, to be able to stand on his own - which is our jobs as parents.

[Anonymous]

To the OP: Lay down the law to your husband and draw the line with your kid, or you'll just keep having the same problem forever. My 26yr old son moved a thousand miles away when he was 21, has worked hard with no help from anyone, and is now in a VERY good job. My 27 yr old and my 24 yr old have also done very well for themselves. All of my kids are well aware that they must be making all adult decisions for themselves by the age of 17. Because that is the way my Mother raised us. You aren't doing your kid any favors by enabling. I taught mine to hustle. If you have no money, you'd better find an extra job real fast to pick up some extra cash, because you won't get any from me. Good luck.

[Anonymous]

Op, the crux of your issue is that you are low middle class. This informs your feelings and decisions. No one who is upper middle class or wealthy thinks in such shortsighted manner. The upper classes make sure that their children are well established. They understand what it means when their children want to do a deadend job and they steer them towards jobs with growth and income potential. Furthermore, wealthy people value their children and are not willing to discard them so easily.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op, the crux of your issue is that you are low middle class. This informs your feelings and decisions. No one who is upper middle class or wealthy thinks in such shortsighted manner. The upper classes make sure that their children are well established. They understand what it means when their children want to do a deadend job and they steer them towards jobs with growth and income potential. Furthermore, wealthy people value their children and are not willing to discard them so easily.

Stereotyping? There is nothing wrong with bartending, for awhile, if you have ambitions to move up the ladder and manage or own your own restaurant or bar someday.

[Anonymous]

wow this was PRE COVID

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think your 26 year old needs your help. Badly. Not financial. But perhaps you could help him with a career counselor or something to help him get started. My guess is he's stuck and he needs some help getting unstuck. Plus, I remember from working restaurant jobs (over the summers in college) it's so easy to get sucked into the routine and unhealthy activities (shift beers every night after close, pot smoking).

I really don't think this is about the money. I bet your son wants more for himself but he's feel paralyzed. My biggest hope is that he doesn't have any addictions that you're unaware of.

This post is so insightful and spot-on. OP, I hope you listen to this advice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:wow this was PRE COVID

+1 I clicked for an update, thinking this thread was from a few months ago. Covid has really altered our sense of time. I'm sure the rate of young adults moving home or staying with their parents increased in 2020-2021.