When to cut off adult son (26)

[Anonymous]

Sounds like someone who is going to become a realtor.

[Anonymous]

OP, I feel for you.

Honestly, to me, it depends how much help you are giving him.

My parents helped me here and there as a young adult. Never much, a bit here, a bit there. I was always very ashamed of it, but my parents saw me struggling and knew I needed the help and ultimately I appreciated it more then I could ever express.

Is he looking for better jobs? Does he have plans (graduate school, what careers he is looking for, etc)? And is he actively working towards those? I think all of that has a big influence on what you do to help.

I think setting a cut-off age, especially when you arent strapped, is silly as I've known lots of friends who struggled through their 20s and now in their late-30s and beyond are doing very well for themselves. In reality, we think of them as fully adult, but they are just beginning their working lives and getting themselves settled in their lives.

Have you talked about him moving home? I could see that as being able to help take some of the financial burdon off his shoulders and allow you to help him in the job search more one on one. Obviously, you will still be supporting him, but you are doing so in a much more sustainable manner.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I feel for you.

Honestly, to me, it depends how much help you are giving him.

My parents helped me here and there as a young adult. Never much, a bit here, a bit there. I was always very ashamed of it, but my parents saw me struggling and knew I needed the help and ultimately I appreciated it more then I could ever express.

Is he looking for better jobs? Does he have plans (graduate school, what careers he is looking for, etc)? And is he actively working towards those? I think all of that has a big influence on what you do to help.

I think setting a cut-off age, especially when you arent strapped, is silly as I've known lots of friends who struggled through their 20s and now in their late-30s and beyond are doing very well for themselves. In reality, we think of them as fully adult, but they are just beginning their working lives and getting themselves settled in their lives.

Have you talked about him moving home? I could see that as being able to help take some of the financial burdon off his shoulders and allow you to help him in the job search more one on one. Obviously, you will still be supporting him, but you are doing so in a much more sustainable manner.

Your advice is awful in almost every respect. Having him move home is a terrible idea.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I feel for you.

Honestly, to me, it depends how much help you are giving him.

My parents helped me here and there as a young adult. Never much, a bit here, a bit there. I was always very ashamed of it, but my parents saw me struggling and knew I needed the help and ultimately I appreciated it more then I could ever express.

Is he looking for better jobs? Does he have plans (graduate school, what careers he is looking for, etc)? And is he actively working towards those? I think all of that has a big influence on what you do to help.

I think setting a cut-off age, especially when you arent strapped, is silly as I've known lots of friends who struggled through their 20s and now in their late-30s and beyond are doing very well for themselves. In reality, we think of them as fully adult, but they are just beginning their working lives and getting themselves settled in their lives.

Have you talked about him moving home? I could see that as being able to help take some of the financial burdon off his shoulders and allow you to help him in the job search more one on one. Obviously, you will still be supporting him, but you are doing so in a much more sustainable manner.

Your advice is awful in almost every respect. Having him move home is a terrible idea.

PP Here

Why is it such a bad idea? Obviously I don't know the specifics, but if he is actually serious about finding a more professional job I think it could help him mitigate the financial stresses while being able to work towards the next steps he clearly needs to take you. Job hunting while broke is horrible and outside of continuing to financially support him, this seems like the best way to mitigate that.

Of course, if he does have drug/alcohol issues, then that is a whole different story, but other then him working in restaurants we dont have any knowledge of that.

[Anonymous]

I could not imagine asking my parents for money at 26, and I didn't even go to college until I was 27, but I guess that's just me. They would have gladly helped, but I would have had to be really bad off to ask them for a hand out. I worked two jobs at 26 and started college. Some of us just take longer to figure it out, but, that doesn't mean mom and dad should be supporting forever...at least with $$$.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think your 26 year old needs your help. Badly. Not financial. But perhaps you could help him with a career counselor or something to help him get started. My guess is he's stuck and he needs some help getting unstuck. Plus, I remember from working restaurant jobs (over the summers in college) it's so easy to get sucked into the routine and unhealthy activities (shift beers every night after close, pot smoking).

I really don't think this is about the money. I bet your son wants more for himself but he's feel paralyzed. My biggest hope is that he doesn't have any addictions that you're unaware of.

I agree.

The red flag is leaving home and not being able to hack it. ADHD is extremely common, and that might be contributing to his issues. If you didn't notice if before, it could be the inattentive kind, not the hyperactive kind. He might need to be evaluated.

I also grew up thinking parenting your kids is for life, not until an arbitrary cut-off date. Like PP said, it's less about giving him a fish than teaching him how to fish. And that will take even MORE effort on your part, OP, so get ready.

+1 All this.

The restaurant industry is loaded with drugs and alcohol. I've known very few people who have work in that industry long-term who aren't heavy drinkers and recreational drug users.

OMG... stop with the constant ADHD excuses. OP said her DS was always a good student. No where did she ever express that he had any kind of ADHD issues. Did ADHS suddenly materialize at 26? FFS.

OP - you are on the right track, but maybe need to calm down and have an adult conversation with him rather than a mother/son conversation.

And I agree, you and your DH are coming from two separate places, and that is the issue.

My nephew is in a similar boat as your DS, but he's living at home. He finally went out and got a certification in something else to get a FT job.

IMO, I'm betting he likes the bartending job because it's more fun for a 26 yr old than a desk job. DH was a bartender in his early 20s, and he said it was the most fun job he had. I know another guy who was managing a club into his late 20s, and finally had enough of that life. He finally got a regular job at 30. He had loads of fun working that job, drank a lot, met lots of people, but at least he was able to support himself. There was no way he was going to hit his parents up for help because the parents weren't doing so well financially either.

If you ended up in financial straits, and couldn't help him, what would your DS do? Ask him that question.

[Anonymous]

I'm a lawyer, but i can't help but bristle at your assumption that his job is a crap job just because it's in the restaurant industry. Maybe he's not cut out for -- or just doesn't want to work in -- a corporate job. I know many people who have built solid careers starting as servers/bartenders/promoters and gone on to become owners or build spin-off businesses or leave the industry completely and move into other fields.

I'd sit him down and ask him what his long term plan is. Help him think big whether that means leaving the restaurant business altogether or moving into a role that is more lucrative within the industry. I'd also talk to him about his finances and budgeting and give him a sense of how much you and DH are willing to help him out. Personally I'd be more comfortable with a specified contribution than giving him money on an ad-hoc basis because I think the latter is a slippery slope.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm a lawyer, but i can't help but bristle at your assumption that his job is a crap job just because it's in the restaurant industry. Maybe he's not cut out for -- or just doesn't want to work in -- a corporate job. I know many people who have built solid careers starting as servers/bartenders/promoters and gone on to become owners or build spin-off businesses or leave the industry completely and move into other fields.

I'd sit him down and ask him what his long term plan is. Help him think big whether that means leaving the restaurant business altogether or moving into a role that is more lucrative within the industry. I'd also talk to him about his finances and budgeting and give him a sense of how much you and DH are willing to help him out. Personally I'd be more comfortable with a specified contribution than giving him money on an ad-hoc basis because I think the latter is a slippery slope.

It's a crap job because he obviously can't support himself with it.

-not op, and my DH was a bartender at one point, but in his early 20s, just to pay the bills. He never entertained that this would be his FT job long term.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am the mother of three kids. Oldest is my 26 YO son.

He was always a good student, hard working, independent. Went to college, then his life fell apart. Because of his independance streak he insisted on paying for all of his expenses in college, leading to him starting to work in the restaurant industry in college. Meaning he never had time for internships.

Anyway he graduated, and never got a real job. Now six years later he is still a full time bartender/server. Its such a waste because he is so smart and so much better then this.

Now, over the past few years there have been times where he has called us and asked for money to cover rent/bills. In the beginning I wasnt too annoyed, but as of recently Ive been really pissed off. He is 26, and working a joke of a job. He is old enough to support himself and make good financial decisions.

DH disagrees, say since it is only ever $100 here, $150 there its not a big deal. We have the money, but are getting older and are still saving up for ds14's college. Plus DS14 wont get the scholarships his siblings got as he is a worse student, so I am of the belief more money should be going into ds14, not my lazabout ds26.

DH is absolutely gobsmacked and angry over this and acting like its completely out of line I expect my 26 year old son to support himself. We have been getting into arguements over this. I think its a socioeconomic thing. DH grew up in a very priviledged DC area family who had no financial issues, while I grew up in rural West Virginia just scraping by. We now are quite well off, but the idea of supporting an adult child is just alien to me - in my family support was done at 18 and younwere expected to find a job, pay your own bills, etc.

Am I in the wrong? And if I am, is there any point at which it becomes innapropriate?

Then why are you saving for DS 14's college fund?

Since you didn't give DS 26 any money for college i don't think there is any harm in helping him out here and there. You aren't supporting him - he is working full time and living on his own but occasionally a little short. And he graduated college at 20? That seems early. If you have the money and you didn't give him any money for college, I would help him out now.

It seems you have two standards for your two kids. That is my biggest issue. One you want to provide financial support to and one you don't.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm a lawyer, but i can't help but bristle at your assumption that his job is a crap job just because it's in the restaurant industry. Maybe he's not cut out for -- or just doesn't want to work in -- a corporate job. I know many people who have built solid careers starting as servers/bartenders/promoters and gone on to become owners or build spin-off businesses or leave the industry completely and move into other fields.

I'd sit him down and ask him what his long term plan is. Help him think big whether that means leaving the restaurant business altogether or moving into a role that is more lucrative within the industry. I'd also talk to him about his finances and budgeting and give him a sense of how much you and DH are willing to help him out. Personally I'd be more comfortable with a specified contribution than giving him money on an ad-hoc basis because I think the latter is a slippery slope.

I agree. He has a full-time job. You don't think it's a real job, but it's a real job. He apparently works at least 40 hours a week, which doesn't sound like a slacker to me. Also, you said that he worked during college because he wanted to pay his own expenses. Again, that doesn't sound like a mooch or a lazy guy. He needs money from time to time, but you're not regularly paying his bills. I'd figure out how much and for how long you are willing to help him out. Be clear about expectations. Discuss financial planning. He should be making regular contributions to an emergency fund. If he's not able to do that, he needs to look at his spending and make a budget and figure out how to make that happen. But that's something a lot of people struggle with and may need some guidance on.

And encourage him to think about the long term. There are absolutely careers to be made in the restaurant business. Would he consider some community college business or management classes? Is he thinking about how he might advance or grow in the field? Does he think of this as a placeholder job? If so, what else is he thinking about? But this should all be from a place of helping him figure this stuff out for himself, not punishing him because he doesn't have a job you personally think is prestigious or whatever.

[Anonymous]

OP Here: Thank you for all the advice. In total over the past 5 years or so we have probably given him between $1000-1500 in total. All in small increments. One of DH's biggest arguements is that he has always had good reasons for needing it - one time he got fired (along with half his coworkers) after a management changeover at his job and it took a month or two to find a new job. Or his car died and he was running around trying to fix it.

I dont think mental illness or drug abuse has anything to do with it. He does drink but we have no evidence that he does so to excess or is dependent on it.

He does, at least claim, to want to go back to grad school, but always cites financial reasons as to why he cant do so, so Im not sure how serious he is about that.

His degree is in geography/GIS, so definitely not a good degree.

As foe him moving home, I would be okay with that, but as he lives down in South Carolina, I suspect he would prefer to remain independent.

[Anonymous]

Sounds kinda crappy you paid for some kids college and not others. I wouldn't have an issue with $100 here or there but I would encourage him to go back to school and help pay for it.

[Anonymous]

help your kid.

[Anonymous]

$1500 over 5 years? Seriously, lady? Good lord. It's not like you're covering his rent. I'm with team DH on this. Just try and get a handle on what he's thinking or himself. Goals? Help him see a future.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP Here: Thank you for all the advice. In total over the past 5 years or so we have probably given him between $1000-1500 in total. All in small increments. One of DH's biggest arguements is that he has always had good reasons for needing it - one time he got fired (along with half his coworkers) after a management changeover at his job and it took a month or two to find a new job. Or his car died and he was running around trying to fix it.

I dont think mental illness or drug abuse has anything to do with it. He does drink but we have no evidence that he does so to excess or is dependent on it.

He does, at least claim, to want to go back to grad school, but always cites financial reasons as to why he cant do so, so Im not sure how serious he is about that.

His degree is in geography/GIS, so definitely not a good degree.

As foe him moving home, I would be okay with that, but as he lives down in South Carolina, I suspect he would prefer to remain independent.

Are you serious? $1500 in total over FIVE years??? He IS supporting himself then. You are complaining about nothing. The bottom line is that you're not happy with (or maybe embarrassed by) what he's doing, and that's YOUR problem -- not his.