When to cut off adult son (26)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP Here: Thank you for all the advice. In total over the past 5 years or so we have probably given him between $1000-1500 in total. All in small increments. One of DH's biggest arguements is that he has always had good reasons for needing it - one time he got fired (along with half his coworkers) after a management changeover at his job and it took a month or two to find a new job. Or his car died and he was running around trying to fix it.

I dont think mental illness or drug abuse has anything to do with it. He does drink but we have no evidence that he does so to excess or is dependent on it.

He does, at least claim, to want to go back to grad school, but always cites financial reasons as to why he cant do so, so Im not sure how serious he is about that.

His degree is in geography/GIS, so definitely not a good degree.

As foe him moving home, I would be okay with that, but as he lives down in South Carolina, I suspect he would prefer to remain independent.

Are you serious? $1500 in total over FIVE years??? He IS supporting himself then. You are complaining about nothing. The bottom line is that you're not happy with (or maybe embarrassed by) what he's doing, and that's YOUR problem -- not his.

It's a great degree. I think half of NOAA has a GIS degree. I agree that 1500 in 5 years is nothing.

[Anonymous]

Wow...so OP gifted on average 300/year for the past 5 years and is worrying somehow that 300/yr is going to impact DS14's college tuition??

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP Here: Thank you for all the advice. In total over the past 5 years or so we have probably given him between $1000-1500 in total. All in small increments. One of DH's biggest arguements is that he has always had good reasons for needing it - one time he got fired (along with half his coworkers) after a management changeover at his job and it took a month or two to find a new job. Or his car died and he was running around trying to fix it.

I dont think mental illness or drug abuse has anything to do with it. He does drink but we have no evidence that he does so to excess or is dependent on it.

He does, at least claim, to want to go back to grad school, but always cites financial reasons as to why he cant do so, so Im not sure how serious he is about that.

His degree is in geography/GIS, so definitely not a good degree.

As foe him moving home, I would be okay with that, but as he lives down in South Carolina, I suspect he would prefer to remain independent.

Are you serious? $1500 in total over FIVE years??? He IS supporting himself then. You are complaining about nothing. The bottom line is that you're not happy with (or maybe embarrassed by) what he's doing, and that's YOUR problem -- not his.

I agree. My Mother in Law was like you OP, she hated that her oldest was in the restaurant industry. He is doing well now, making low six figures as a general manager and very happy with his job.

[Anonymous]

OP are you a total nightmare when you go out to eat? I can't imagine that you are very respectful to the people working a "joke of a job"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:$1500 over 5 years? Seriously, lady? Good lord. It's not like you're covering his rent. I'm with team DH on this. Just try and get a handle on what he's thinking or himself. Goals? Help him see a future.

+1

[Anonymous]

I like someone elses suggestion about grad school - sounds like OPs son is struggling with what to do next, maybe grad school will put him on the right path. It also sounds like he paid off his college debt between working and scholarships which is admirable and rare to graduate without debt. If he's smart get him back in school - could be where he finds his passion in life.

$1,500 in three years is nothing, OP. If he asked for $1,500 a shot for the last three years that would be far worse and a different situation entirely.

[Anonymous]

I'd take the money you would have contributed to his undergrad if he hadn't had a job and scholarships and offer it to him for a grad school program (only if he enrolls). Give him a hand.

[Anonymous]

OP, the real frustration is not the money, but that your son is wasting his life.

He actually has a decent degree if he has GIS training. Lots of firms, engineering, planning, government contracting, all need GIS tech people. If he'd been organized he shouldn't have had any trouble finding an entry level GIS job right out of college and by now be a project manager with a 401k and savings and a future. I work in a big engineering firm that has a large GIS division and the pay is very good. Those with masters and in their late 20s can easily make six figures as project managers.

Right now he has no future. Being a server is not a future. Unfortunately, he's five years out of college and wasted that working as a server so his degree isn't very useful any more. And his poor work history means he's not attractive as a candidate to the better grad programs.

He's just skimming along in life. That's what Bernie bros do and that's why they're angry and unhappy people. They refuse to accept the realities of the world and are throwing tamper tantrums at how unfair life is. He's 26 today, but tomorrow he'll be 30 and what will he have to show for it? He'll be far behind many of his peers. And who cares about the fun memories of your 20s when you were young and broke when everyone else was also young and broke. That won't be the case when he's 30.

I think you know what you need to do. You need to sit down with him and have a frank discussion about life and how he's not facing up to the realities of life. He's not a kid any more. What does he want, to spend the rest of his life with roommates in cheap apartments, never getting to own his own place? And without a solid job and prospects, dating prospects are going to get worse and worse. He should get his sorry ass into a grad program ASAP, it'll likely have to be one of those programs that take anyone, but there are GIS programs out there to get back on track. He needs to get serious.

[Anonymous]

DP here. First of all, thank you for a very useful thread and all the posters with varied viewpoints.

I am of the opinion that your kids are really only settled if they have finished all their education - college, grad school etc. And they are only truly financially able if they can live on 60% of their salary, save 20% for retirement and 20% for other big expenses (MBA, house, wedding, kids). If it was my kid, he would have continued to stay in my house, pay me rent based on what he was earning and would have had a solid plan to get a well-paying career going, which would have included more education. Else, these kids are never truly set up for success. Yes, it means a lot of delayed gratification but it does lead to children becoming adults who are responsible and standing on their own two feet.

OP, I feel your pain, but your parenting is not really over. Most people think that they are responsible for only up to college, but the truth is that today you need to support your kid a lot longer. Especially, if their undergrad is in History, they need to get more degrees before they can get a job in that field.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, the real frustration is not the money, but that your son is wasting his life.

He actually has a decent degree if he has GIS training. Lots of firms, engineering, planning, government contracting, all need GIS tech people. If he'd been organized he shouldn't have had any trouble finding an entry level GIS job right out of college and by now be a project manager with a 401k and savings and a future. I work in a big engineering firm that has a large GIS division and the pay is very good. Those with masters and in their late 20s can easily make six figures as project managers.

Right now he has no future. Being a server is not a future. Unfortunately, he's five years out of college and wasted that working as a server so his degree isn't very useful any more. And his poor work history means he's not attractive as a candidate to the better grad programs.

He's just skimming along in life. That's what Bernie bros do and that's why they're angry and unhappy people. They refuse to accept the realities of the world and are throwing tamper tantrums at how unfair life is. He's 26 today, but tomorrow he'll be 30 and what will he have to show for it? He'll be far behind many of his peers. And who cares about the fun memories of your 20s when you were young and broke when everyone else was also young and broke. That won't be the case when he's 30.

I think you know what you need to do. You need to sit down with him and have a frank discussion about life and how he's not facing up to the realities of life. He's not a kid any more. What does he want, to spend the rest of his life with roommates in cheap apartments, never getting to own his own place? And without a solid job and prospects, dating prospects are going to get worse and worse. He should get his sorry ass into a grad program ASAP, it'll likely have to be one of those programs that take anyone, but there are GIS programs out there to get back on track. He needs to get serious.

God you're asshole. And I have no doubt that I make more money and in a better job than you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, the real frustration is not the money, but that your son is wasting his life.

He actually has a decent degree if he has GIS training. Lots of firms, engineering, planning, government contracting, all need GIS tech people. If he'd been organized he shouldn't have had any trouble finding an entry level GIS job right out of college and by now be a project manager with a 401k and savings and a future. I work in a big engineering firm that has a large GIS division and the pay is very good. Those with masters and in their late 20s can easily make six figures as project managers.

Right now he has no future. Being a server is not a future. Unfortunately, he's five years out of college and wasted that working as a server so his degree isn't very useful any more. And his poor work history means he's not attractive as a candidate to the better grad programs.

He's just skimming along in life. That's what Bernie bros do and that's why they're angry and unhappy people. They refuse to accept the realities of the world and are throwing tamper tantrums at how unfair life is. He's 26 today, but tomorrow he'll be 30 and what will he have to show for it? He'll be far behind many of his peers. And who cares about the fun memories of your 20s when you were young and broke when everyone else was also young and broke. That won't be the case when he's 30.

I think you know what you need to do. You need to sit down with him and have a frank discussion about life and how he's not facing up to the realities of life. He's not a kid any more. What does he want, to spend the rest of his life with roommates in cheap apartments, never getting to own his own place? And without a solid job and prospects, dating prospects are going to get worse and worse. He should get his sorry ass into a grad program ASAP, it'll likely have to be one of those programs that take anyone, but there are GIS programs out there to get back on track. He needs to get serious.

I agree with this.

Guarantee OP's son is in Charleston or somewhere on the coast; the area is full of young men like this. It's OK when they are 22 or 23. Even 26 isn't terrible, but PP - right --30 is right around the corner for him and this won't be cute any more.

I agree with your advice PP. He needs to get his act together on next steps in life. OP, what if he tells you he wants to stay in the restaurant industry? That's fine, but he should go back to school for an MBA. He needs a plan and some goals.

[Anonymous]

OP agree a lump sum with your DH that you can give this 26 yr old son now and then nothing more. That or have a cut off age agreed between you. If you can at least agree on when or how to end the pay outs in this way it will stop the arguments.

[Anonymous]

I have only read the original post.
I come from a culture where parents support kids well into adulthood, and kids support parents in their old age.
It is not the most traditional “eastern” culture and things are changing now, but this is the general understanding.
Kicking kids out at 18 is unusual.
I understand that the US is different and is often guided by the Protestant work ethic.
However, more and more immigrants arrive from cultures like mine, and they support their kids who then get a leg up.
I think it will be increasingly important to support kids if we don’t want them to lose in life.
I think your son needs help finding a real job, and a recognition that his parents have his back.
I think yes you should support him, plus figure out if he has anxiety preventing him from achieving more, plus help him find a job.
This is just my opinion and my kid is still young, but that’s what I am planning to do if he fails to launch.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, the real frustration is not the money, but that your son is wasting his life.

He actually has a decent degree if he has GIS training. Lots of firms, engineering, planning, government contracting, all need GIS tech people. If he'd been organized he shouldn't have had any trouble finding an entry level GIS job right out of college and by now be a project manager with a 401k and savings and a future. I work in a big engineering firm that has a large GIS division and the pay is very good. Those with masters and in their late 20s can easily make six figures as project managers.

Right now he has no future. Being a server is not a future. Unfortunately, he's five years out of college and wasted that working as a server so his degree isn't very useful any more. And his poor work history means he's not attractive as a candidate to the better grad programs.

He's just skimming along in life. That's what Bernie bros do and that's why they're angry and unhappy people. They refuse to accept the realities of the world and are throwing tamper tantrums at how unfair life is. He's 26 today, but tomorrow he'll be 30 and what will he have to show for it? He'll be far behind many of his peers. And who cares about the fun memories of your 20s when you were young and broke when everyone else was also young and broke. That won't be the case when he's 30.

I think you know what you need to do. You need to sit down with him and have a frank discussion about life and how he's not facing up to the realities of life. He's not a kid any more. What does he want, to spend the rest of his life with roommates in cheap apartments, never getting to own his own place? And without a solid job and prospects, dating prospects are going to get worse and worse. He should get his sorry ass into a grad program ASAP, it'll likely have to be one of those programs that take anyone, but there are GIS programs out there to get back on track. He needs to get serious.

God you're asshole. And I have no doubt that I make more money and in a better job than you.

NP. Nope. That PP is exactly right.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, the real frustration is not the money, but that your son is wasting his life.

He actually has a decent degree if he has GIS training. Lots of firms, engineering, planning, government contracting, all need GIS tech people. If he'd been organized he shouldn't have had any trouble finding an entry level GIS job right out of college and by now be a project manager with a 401k and savings and a future. I work in a big engineering firm that has a large GIS division and the pay is very good. Those with masters and in their late 20s can easily make six figures as project managers.

Right now he has no future. Being a server is not a future. Unfortunately, he's five years out of college and wasted that working as a server so his degree isn't very useful any more. And his poor work history means he's not attractive as a candidate to the better grad programs.

He's just skimming along in life. That's what Bernie bros do and that's why they're angry and unhappy people. They refuse to accept the realities of the world and are throwing tamper tantrums at how unfair life is. He's 26 today, but tomorrow he'll be 30 and what will he have to show for it? He'll be far behind many of his peers. And who cares about the fun memories of your 20s when you were young and broke when everyone else was also young and broke. That won't be the case when he's 30.

I think you know what you need to do. You need to sit down with him and have a frank discussion about life and how he's not facing up to the realities of life. He's not a kid any more. What does he want, to spend the rest of his life with roommates in cheap apartments, never getting to own his own place? And without a solid job and prospects, dating prospects are going to get worse and worse. He should get his sorry ass into a grad program ASAP, it'll likely have to be one of those programs that take anyone, but there are GIS programs out there to get back on track. He needs to get serious.

God you're asshole. And I have no doubt that I make more money and in a better job than you.

Offended? What words triggered you? Bernie bros?

From the hindsight of someone who's a bit older and lives and works in a major urban area, there are a lot of overeducated and underemployed young white men around, and OP's son seems to fall into this category. The future isn't very bright for them. Life is not and has never been easy and I think one of the great disservices of growing up in the mindsets of the 1990s-2010 was the cultural promotion that anyone can be anything they want and find their own way in life and it'll all turn out great one way or another. But it resulted in a lot of young people, especially men, failing to launch seriously, choosing to go into the creative industries or food industries because they had misguided fears of the corporate or professional worlds or middle class suburbia. And for a while it's fun. Being in your 20s in a fun city, what does it matter what you do when you've got your friends and a girl and weed and booze and house parties and it seems like everyone is in the same boat. But it catches up. Oh, boy, it catches up at some point.

But OP's son isn't too old nor is it too late for him. He does need to wise up about the kind of future he wants and the trade offs that come with it. The longer he delays making these serious choices, the more he will pay for it in the long run.