Eldercare is tearing my family apart

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have the same exact situation as the poster above and this has been depressing to read while camping through the night outside my parents room. Meanwhile I have little kids at home with their dad. At least I know I’m not alone. I was hoping that by seeing how much they’ve uprooted my life and made me miserable, they’d concede to outside help. Tomorrow- “February 14”- was supposed to be my deadline and they still aren’t any closer to changing their minds.

Go home. You gave them a fair deadline, they knew it was coming and they have chosen to stay where they are. They are adults and if they want to stay in their home then they can do that.

Your kids and husband need you, too. Go home. It's possible that your folks really need a wake up call moment before they will consider moving.

[Anonymous]

^^ Great point. It's hard enough to face some of these realities in your 60s and 70s. It's almost impossible by the time they are 80+.

[Anonymous]

I was hoping that by seeing how much they’ve uprooted my life and made me miserable, they’d concede to outside help

You CAN NOT be afraid of Mommy and Daddy not liking you. You have power over your own life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:^^ Great point. It's hard enough to face some of these realities in your 60s and 70s. It's almost impossible by the time they are 80+.

I think our generation will be different because we bore the brunt. I’m also less wrapped up in a specific house as a huge part of my identity. I look forward to entering a community with all four levels of care. One less thing for everyone to care about.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP,

I find communicating with sibling over Mom's care via email only is best. No texts, no meetings, no phone calls.
I'd keep the grandchild out of it. His parent can keep him/her informed.

Look around at residency options, nursing homes, assisted living etc.

Some scripts,

"My physicican has advised me to step back from Mom's care due to husbands cancer care. I can no longer provide daily care for Mom. I've scheduled Mom at _________
so that I can get 3 weeks of respite care. I will be signing the contract for respite care on __________. Mom will be moving into ___________ nursing home for 3 weeks so that I can get my physician prescribed respite care."

another script

"My physician has advised me to step away from Moms day to day care for medical reasons. Mom and I have toured ________. I will be signing the contract for her to move in to ______________ on ________________. Mom will
be moving in to ______________on _________.

another script

My physician has advised me to step away from Moms day to day care due to my husbands cancer battle. I am no longer available to get Mom groceries, feed Mom, launder Mom's clothes and pay Moms bills, clean Mom's house and do Mom's dishes. I've toured __________, and _____________, and ___________
with Mom. I think the family should consider alternative residency options for Mom and I believe considering these options will be a safer long term option for Mom.

Thank you. I took a mental health day from everything, but reading now. This last script is really helpful. I deeply appreciate it.

OP, I'm the script writer. Good luck with everything and take care of yourself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When my parent's estate finally settled most of my siblings/I were pissed that they had about a million $$$. Both were lucky that they had great pensions/healthcare but and aged in place but this was accomplished by fighting them on paying for each increasing level of care they needed (which became 24/365 at end.) For way too long they relied on us to do doctor appts, personal care, errands. While that sounds simple it was on top of us all working, raising kids, having our own needs. We kept telling them that they'd worked for as long as they did to allow their dream of staying in their own home and it was their reward-not meant for us to inherit. Their legacy is that by the end there was so much acrimony among the 'kids' that few of us keep in touch and a million split 7 ways was not worth this OR seeing them suffer rather than pay for adequate care.

My parents have 100K left. 100K! The rest is in the house they are insisting on staying in, that's blowing through that 100K at an alarming rate.

They are better off enjoying it and going into a medicaid nursing home.

They scream ‘no nursing home’, ‘not moving’, etc. That’s the point you are deliberately missing. The reality is, if they looked at other options, they could have it all - a great place to live, money in the bank to afford whatever care they want, and family around to help them with all their needs. That’s what they say they want too! They just refuse to make the change to get there. I get the concept of fear, but it’s an emotion, not reality.

We just did it. I took care of my MIL for a year and then put her in. She screamed about moving to our home. She screamed about a nursing home but I couldn't do the 24/7 care anymore with young kids. I wouldn't want it either. But, I had to do what was best for her and I couldn't keep her safe.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Age in place is hugely taxing on the adult children even when the patient has enough money to hire full time aides. The administration of that alone is a lot, plus filling in when caregivers are absent, etc. Some caregivers won’t do meal prep, some won’t do bathing, etc etc etc. Endless Dr appointments and errands and constantly adjusting to the latest decline. It’s brutal even when the finances are good.

What do you think a nursing home is like? They get bathed twice a week, barely looked after and the main activity is staring at the wall or tv. Especially on medicaid. I would much rather have kept my MIL at home. We still have to visit a few times a week, bring in food, shop....doctors....dentists....

If you can do it, without seriously impairing your own lives (and lives of any underage kids), that’s okay asa personal choice. The problems come in when it isn’t the caregiver’s choice but the elder and other relatives won’t agree to another solution. Or when the burden of at home care is causing extreme stress on the non-elders in the household.

Exactly this. I was made to feel like a horrible person for not allowing my MIL to hospice in our house because our son had just recovered from a stint in the hospital with a deadly disease, and his docs recommended that we not do it. She hospiced in another sibling’s home 10 minutes away.

With my folks, I can and do want to help but can’t from 3000 miles away. They refuse to move closer and I can’t move to them.

I would have done a hospice home near my home but makes more sense for sibling to do it. Your child needed to come first in this situation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Age in place is hugely taxing on the adult children even when the patient has enough money to hire full time aides. The administration of that alone is a lot, plus filling in when caregivers are absent, etc. Some caregivers won’t do meal prep, some won’t do bathing, etc etc etc. Endless Dr appointments and errands and constantly adjusting to the latest decline. It’s brutal even when the finances are good.

What do you think a nursing home is like? They get bathed twice a week, barely looked after and the main activity is staring at the wall or tv. Especially on medicaid. I would much rather have kept my MIL at home. We still have to visit a few times a week, bring in food, shop....doctors....dentists....

If you can do it, without seriously impairing your own lives (and lives of any underage kids), that’s okay asa personal choice. The problems come in when it isn’t the caregiver’s choice but the elder and other relatives won’t agree to another solution. Or when the burden of at home care is causing extreme stress on the non-elders in the household.

Do you even think about what you are saying? Yes, it was a serious impairment to my life and my kids. I had to do 24/7 care but we had no money to pay for help. She had no money and it took a long time to find a bed. What was the alternative. You don't get it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The costs of private care are nearly impossible. How does anyone afford $8-10,000 a month for ten years??

Most don’t. They end up struggling to manage on their own until a fall or hospitalization lands them in a nursing home. They private pay for a few months until the money runs out, and end up on Medicaid wherever will take them. The reality of aging in this country is extremely depressing.

Truly curious: what is the reality of aging in any other country?

Families just take care of aging and infirm elders on a rotating cycle? How on earth does anyone actually live their life?

My mom passed many years ago, now, and her husband was with her.

My dad is not aging well - and he an I were estranged since I left home at 18. My sister still lives near him and he basically guilts her - wants to move in with her, etc. Personally, I think he made his bed - but my poor sister can't seem to escape.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When my parent's estate finally settled most of my siblings/I were pissed that they had about a million $$$. Both were lucky that they had great pensions/healthcare but and aged in place but this was accomplished by fighting them on paying for each increasing level of care they needed (which became 24/365 at end.) For way too long they relied on us to do doctor appts, personal care, errands. While that sounds simple it was on top of us all working, raising kids, having our own needs. We kept telling them that they'd worked for as long as they did to allow their dream of staying in their own home and it was their reward-not meant for us to inherit. Their legacy is that by the end there was so much acrimony among the 'kids' that few of us keep in touch and a million split 7 ways was not worth this OR seeing them suffer rather than pay for adequate care.

My parents have 100K left. 100K! The rest is in the house they are insisting on staying in, that's blowing through that 100K at an alarming rate.

They are better off enjoying it and going into a medicaid nursing home.

They scream ‘no nursing home’, ‘not moving’, etc. That’s the point you are deliberately missing. The reality is, if they looked at other options, they could have it all - a great place to live, money in the bank to afford whatever care they want, and family around to help them with all their needs. That’s what they say they want too! They just refuse to make the change to get there. I get the concept of fear, but it’s an emotion, not reality.

We just did it. I took care of my MIL for a year and then put her in. She screamed about moving to our home. She screamed about a nursing home but I couldn't do the 24/7 care anymore with young kids. I wouldn't want it either. But, I had to do what was best for her and I couldn't keep her safe.

I”m the PP. GOOD FOR YOU!! This was the right thing to do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Age in place is hugely taxing on the adult children even when the patient has enough money to hire full time aides. The administration of that alone is a lot, plus filling in when caregivers are absent, etc. Some caregivers won’t do meal prep, some won’t do bathing, etc etc etc. Endless Dr appointments and errands and constantly adjusting to the latest decline. It’s brutal even when the finances are good.

What do you think a nursing home is like? They get bathed twice a week, barely looked after and the main activity is staring at the wall or tv. Especially on medicaid. I would much rather have kept my MIL at home. We still have to visit a few times a week, bring in food, shop....doctors....dentists....

If you can do it, without seriously impairing your own lives (and lives of any underage kids), that’s okay asa personal choice. The problems come in when it isn’t the caregiver’s choice but the elder and other relatives won’t agree to another solution. Or when the burden of at home care is causing extreme stress on the non-elders in the household.

Exactly this. I was made to feel like a horrible person for not allowing my MIL to hospice in our house because our son had just recovered from a stint in the hospital with a deadly disease, and his docs recommended that we not do it. She hospiced in another sibling’s home 10 minutes away.

With my folks, I can and do want to help but can’t from 3000 miles away. They refuse to move closer and I can’t move to them.

I would have done a hospice home near my home but makes more sense for sibling to do it. Your child needed to come first in this situation.

She refused to hospice at a facility. My husband was pissed I would not allow it in our home. Kids were crying to me not to, littlest one had LITERALLY just come out of the hospital. His brother had a spare room and my husband and I made sure she also had 24/7 care in the home. I paved the way for my husband to be there every single day by taking on all our home responsibilities. They would not let me see my MIL until the very end. She told me she thought I didn’t want to see her (heartbreaking). I did not tell her the truth - I told her that our littlest is now doing great and I was seeing to him. She was thrilled to hear it, and even helped me navigate some school issues we were having (brilliant woman to the end) which made her feel so useful, she said. I’m glad I got to see her - the nurse pulled me aside and told me how sad she had been that I had not visited her. I had to scream at my husband before he would confront his brother to allow me into his home. And I’m glad I did.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

I was hoping that by seeing how much they’ve uprooted my life and made me miserable, they’d concede to outside help

You CAN NOT be afraid of Mommy and Daddy not liking you. You have power over your own life.

Seriously, this is absurd. Middle-aged adults are letting their parents run their lives.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

I was hoping that by seeing how much they’ve uprooted my life and made me miserable, they’d concede to outside help

You CAN NOT be afraid of Mommy and Daddy not liking you. You have power over your own life.

Seriously, this is absurd. Middle-aged adults are letting their parents run their lives.

It's not absurd. These are difficult conversations and some of us are wracked with guilt at the thought of our parents moving to facilities or institutions where we don't know how the care will be. Sometimes these responsibilities also sneak up on you a bit; you start out by handling a few things and the list keeps growing. OR, in many cases, a parent has a fall or illness and you care for them during that time and, guess what? They don't get better or they never get back to the level they were before the event. All of a sudden you realize that you are still doing everything and the parent has gotten comfortable with the care they're getting. It's not simple or easy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My mom is caring for my grandma right now. It’s tough. My grandma refuses to hire 24/7 care, so my mom is her slave. I don’t know how much more my mom can take. My grandma is so selfish.

We have 24-7 in home care for my parents. It costs 15k a month. She may not be able to afford it

My grandmother could afford it but absolutely refused it. Didn't want "strangers" taking care of her, only her kids.

So did my mom at first. She literally kicked them out multiple times. Now she accepts them most of the time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

I was hoping that by seeing how much they’ve uprooted my life and made me miserable, they’d concede to outside help

You CAN NOT be afraid of Mommy and Daddy not liking you. You have power over your own life.

Seriously, this is absurd. Middle-aged adults are letting their parents run their lives.

It's not absurd. These are difficult conversations and some of us are wracked with guilt at the thought of our parents moving to facilities or institutions where we don't know how the care will be. Sometimes these responsibilities also sneak up on you a bit; you start out by handling a few things and the list keeps growing. OR, in many cases, a parent has a fall or illness and you care for them during that time and, guess what? They don't get better or they never get back to the level they were before the event. All of a sudden you realize that you are still doing everything and the parent has gotten comfortable with the care they're getting. It's not simple or easy.

The PP is waiting outside her parents' room, hoping they'll recognize she's miserable. If they don't, she'll . . . what, continue to make her life subservient to theirs? It is absurd. People make decisions for themselves, not other grown adults. If parents want to age in place, that's their choice, but they do *not* get to dictate the level of help they get from their kids. Well, I guess they do, if they have raised kids who are too scared or otherwise cowed by them to stand up to them.

I sincerely hope my kids have more self-respect and backbone than this.