Eldercare is tearing my family apart

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Age in place is hugely taxing on the adult children even when the patient has enough money to hire full time aides. The administration of that alone is a lot, plus filling in when caregivers are absent, etc. Some caregivers won’t do meal prep, some won’t do bathing, etc etc etc. Endless Dr appointments and errands and constantly adjusting to the latest decline. It’s brutal even when the finances are good.

What do you think a nursing home is like? They get bathed twice a week, barely looked after and the main activity is staring at the wall or tv. Especially on medicaid. I would much rather have kept my MIL at home. We still have to visit a few times a week, bring in food, shop....doctors....dentists....

Not at all. They vary. Aging in place was a living hell for us. The one who did continued care had a wonderful time in assisted living and memory care-regular social activities, peppy staff, tranquil gardens, social meals. The main activity of aging in place was watching TV. Once at a facility the favorite activity was sing-a-longs and meals with others. Much, much better for the wellbeing of both the elderly parent and the adult children. There is a reason why everyone in my extended family when went to a facility lived far longer than the stubborn and rigid age-on placers. Interesting to note....the adult children of age in placers had far more serious health issues by the time to age in placers passed away than the adult children of those who went to a facility.

[Anonymous]

My parents are in their late 60's and aren't in this position yet. But, I'm an only child so I keep this ideas on the back burner. My mom is single so I'll have responsibility for her.

My DH has a great mom. He and his brother will be completely useless when it comes to caring for her. He might help to make some decisions or look over some financing but in no way will he do the heavy lifting. He has sisters for that. It infuriates me that he won't do basically anything but I won't be able to take that on myself as I'm an only child and have my own parents to help. Also, that would tear our marriage apart if I'm the one doing the heavy lifting for his mom while he sits on his ass, which is exactly what would happen.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Age in place is hugely taxing on the adult children even when the patient has enough money to hire full time aides. The administration of that alone is a lot, plus filling in when caregivers are absent, etc. Some caregivers won’t do meal prep, some won’t do bathing, etc etc etc. Endless Dr appointments and errands and constantly adjusting to the latest decline. It’s brutal even when the finances are good.

What do you think a nursing home is like? They get bathed twice a week, barely looked after and the main activity is staring at the wall or tv. Especially on medicaid. I would much rather have kept my MIL at home. We still have to visit a few times a week, bring in food, shop....doctors....dentists....

If you can do it, without seriously impairing your own lives (and lives of any underage kids), that’s okay asa personal choice. The problems come in when it isn’t the caregiver’s choice but the elder and other relatives won’t agree to another solution. Or when the burden of at home care is causing extreme stress on the non-elders in the household.

Exactly this. I was made to feel like a horrible person for not allowing my MIL to hospice in our house because our son had just recovered from a stint in the hospital with a deadly disease, and his docs recommended that we not do it. She hospiced in another sibling’s home 10 minutes away.

With my folks, I can and do want to help but can’t from 3000 miles away. They refuse to move closer and I can’t move to them.

I would have done a hospice home near my home but makes more sense for sibling to do it. Your child needed to come first in this situation.

She refused to hospice at a facility. My husband was pissed I would not allow it in our home. Kids were crying to me not to, littlest one had LITERALLY just come out of the hospital. His brother had a spare room and my husband and I made sure she also had 24/7 care in the home. I paved the way for my husband to be there every single day by taking on all our home responsibilities. They would not let me see my MIL until the very end. She told me she thought I didn’t want to see her (heartbreaking). I did not tell her the truth - I told her that our littlest is now doing great and I was seeing to him. She was thrilled to hear it, and even helped me navigate some school issues we were having (brilliant woman to the end) which made her feel so useful, she said. I’m glad I got to see her - the nurse pulled me aside and told me how sad she had been that I had not visited her. I had to scream at my husband before he would confront his brother to allow me into his home. And I’m glad I did.

After seeing a bad hospice in the home situation I'm not a big believer of hospice in the home. It is better to have paid profesionals give the morphine in a hospice facility than family members.
After 5:00 pm if there were problems you got an 800 number and called a call center staffed by an RN who said he was overworked.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

I was hoping that by seeing how much they’ve uprooted my life and made me miserable, they’d concede to outside help

You CAN NOT be afraid of Mommy and Daddy not liking you. You have power over your own life.

Seriously, this is absurd. Middle-aged adults are letting their parents run their lives.

It's not absurd. These are difficult conversations and some of us are wracked with guilt at the thought of our parents moving to facilities or institutions where we don't know how the care will be. Sometimes these responsibilities also sneak up on you a bit; you start out by handling a few things and the list keeps growing. OR, in many cases, a parent has a fall or illness and you care for them during that time and, guess what? They don't get better or they never get back to the level they were before the event. All of a sudden you realize that you are still doing everything and the parent has gotten comfortable with the care they're getting. It's not simple or easy.

The PP is waiting outside her parents' room, hoping they'll recognize she's miserable. If they don't, she'll . . . what, continue to make her life subservient to theirs? It is absurd. People make decisions for themselves, not other grown adults. If parents want to age in place, that's their choice, but they do *not* get to dictate the level of help they get from their kids. Well, I guess they do, if they have raised kids who are too scared or otherwise cowed by them to stand up to them.

I sincerely hope my kids have more self-respect and backbone than this.

You are cherry picking the comment. The PP said her parents had agreed to make a different plan by February 14 but are showing no signs of sticking to the agreed on date. Now she is in a position where she has to be the bad guy and pull the plug. They don't know it but older people often become very self-absorbed and lose their ability to see how their situation is affecting others around them.

I sincerely hope that you retain all of your faculties until you die, but please don't lose your compassion for CAREGIVERS who have to make difficult choices about their loved ones.

[Anonymous]

I wish my FIL and my mom would heed your advice op! FIL is 76 and eats whatever he wants, meaning he is overweight, but he still works and is in a good shape compared to many people his age. Still, his house is falling apart, both bathrooms are in a need to a major renovation, for which he has the money, and they have been like this for the last 15 years! He refuses to get them done. The shower that works has a wooden plank on top of it, and under it is broken tiles and mold and just disgust. We even offered to pay to get it done, but he refuses any attempt to fix it.
He keeps saying that he will not go like those people that get dementia or can't walk. He will go with pride and the way he wants!
My mom is obese and diabetic and now a widow and she is counting on me and my sister to take care of her. How does she think we can lift a 220lbs woman?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I wish my FIL and my mom would heed your advice op! FIL is 76 and eats whatever he wants, meaning he is overweight, but he still works and is in a good shape compared to many people his age. Still, his house is falling apart, both bathrooms are in a need to a major renovation, for which he has the money, and they have been like this for the last 15 years! He refuses to get them done. The shower that works has a wooden plank on top of it, and under it is broken tiles and mold and just disgust. We even offered to pay to get it done, but he refuses any attempt to fix it.
He keeps saying that he will not go like those people that get dementia or can't walk. He will go with pride and the way he wants!
My mom is obese and diabetic and now a widow and she is counting on me and my sister to take care of her. How does she think we can lift a 220lbs woman?

It takes 3 EMTs to lift my dad when he falls, but each time, he makes us negotiate for hours before we can call 911.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wish my FIL and my mom would heed your advice op! FIL is 76 and eats whatever he wants, meaning he is overweight, but he still works and is in a good shape compared to many people his age. Still, his house is falling apart, both bathrooms are in a need to a major renovation, for which he has the money, and they have been like this for the last 15 years! He refuses to get them done. The shower that works has a wooden plank on top of it, and under it is broken tiles and mold and just disgust. We even offered to pay to get it done, but he refuses any attempt to fix it.
He keeps saying that he will not go like those people that get dementia or can't walk. He will go with pride and the way he wants!
My mom is obese and diabetic and now a widow and she is counting on me and my sister to take care of her. How does she think we can lift a 220lbs woman?

It takes 3 EMTs to lift my dad when he falls, but each time, he makes us negotiate for hours before we can call 911.

Hugs!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Age in place is hugely taxing on the adult children even when the patient has enough money to hire full time aides. The administration of that alone is a lot, plus filling in when caregivers are absent, etc. Some caregivers won’t do meal prep, some won’t do bathing, etc etc etc. Endless Dr appointments and errands and constantly adjusting to the latest decline. It’s brutal even when the finances are good.

What do you think a nursing home is like? They get bathed twice a week, barely looked after and the main activity is staring at the wall or tv. Especially on medicaid. I would much rather have kept my MIL at home. We still have to visit a few times a week, bring in food, shop....doctors....dentists....

If you can do it, without seriously impairing your own lives (and lives of any underage kids), that’s okay asa personal choice. The problems come in when it isn’t the caregiver’s choice but the elder and other relatives won’t agree to another solution. Or when the burden of at home care is causing extreme stress on the non-elders in the household.

Exactly this. I was made to feel like a horrible person for not allowing my MIL to hospice in our house because our son had just recovered from a stint in the hospital with a deadly disease, and his docs recommended that we not do it. She hospiced in another sibling’s home 10 minutes away.

With my folks, I can and do want to help but can’t from 3000 miles away. They refuse to move closer and I can’t move to them.

I would have done a hospice home near my home but makes more sense for sibling to do it. Your child needed to come first in this situation.

She refused to hospice at a facility. My husband was pissed I would not allow it in our home. Kids were crying to me not to, littlest one had LITERALLY just come out of the hospital. His brother had a spare room and my husband and I made sure she also had 24/7 care in the home. I paved the way for my husband to be there every single day by taking on all our home responsibilities. They would not let me see my MIL until the very end. She told me she thought I didn’t want to see her (heartbreaking). I did not tell her the truth - I told her that our littlest is now doing great and I was seeing to him. She was thrilled to hear it, and even helped me navigate some school issues we were having (brilliant woman to the end) which made her feel so useful, she said. I’m glad I got to see her - the nurse pulled me aside and told me how sad she had been that I had not visited her. I had to scream at my husband before he would confront his brother to allow me into his home. And I’m glad I did.

After seeing a bad hospice in the home situation I'm not a big believer of hospice in the home. It is better to have paid profesionals give the morphine in a hospice facility than family members.
After 5:00 pm if there were problems you got an 800 number and called a call center staffed by an RN who said he was overworked.

We did hospice in a facility and if anything they were good about watching over what the nursing hoe was doing as we didn't trust them. It really depend son the team. I would only do hospice at a hospice center. Montgomery Hospice has their own home. We had a terrible experience with the death in a nursing home as they only check on patients every few hours. My husband had to live there the last few weeks, basically and I went daily to bring food and clothing. I cannot blame this posters MIL but in her situation she was right.

That is horrible not to let you see her. Seeing my MIL the last few weeks was gut wrenching. She was already in bad shape but nothing prepared me for the end as I'd never seen it before.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My parents are in their late 60's and aren't in this position yet. But, I'm an only child so I keep this ideas on the back burner. My mom is single so I'll have responsibility for her.

My DH has a great mom. He and his brother will be completely useless when it comes to caring for her. He might help to make some decisions or look over some financing but in no way will he do the heavy lifting. He has sisters for that. It infuriates me that he won't do basically anything but I won't be able to take that on myself as I'm an only child and have my own parents to help. Also, that would tear our marriage apart if I'm the one doing the heavy lifting for his mom while he sits on his ass, which is exactly what would happen.

I took it on. You may not be able to do it alone but you can absolutely help. Its not an all o nothing. I have no regrets taking care of my MIL. It was the right thing to do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Age in place is hugely taxing on the adult children even when the patient has enough money to hire full time aides. The administration of that alone is a lot, plus filling in when caregivers are absent, etc. Some caregivers won’t do meal prep, some won’t do bathing, etc etc etc. Endless Dr appointments and errands and constantly adjusting to the latest decline. It’s brutal even when the finances are good.

What do you think a nursing home is like? They get bathed twice a week, barely looked after and the main activity is staring at the wall or tv. Especially on medicaid. I would much rather have kept my MIL at home. We still have to visit a few times a week, bring in food, shop....doctors....dentists....

Not at all. They vary. Aging in place was a living hell for us. The one who did continued care had a wonderful time in assisted living and memory care-regular social activities, peppy staff, tranquil gardens, social meals. The main activity of aging in place was watching TV. Once at a facility the favorite activity was sing-a-longs and meals with others. Much, much better for the wellbeing of both the elderly parent and the adult children. There is a reason why everyone in my extended family when went to a facility lived far longer than the stubborn and rigid age-on placers. Interesting to note....the adult children of age in placers had far more serious health issues by the time to age in placers passed away than the adult children of those who went to a facility.

You really have no clue. Your family may have been private pay but my MIL had a long slow miserable stay at a nursing home and it was horrific for all o fus. You keep ranting about stuff you have no concept about. Enough already. The social activities were tv or staring at the wall. They never went outside, staff screamed at patients and each other and the food was terrible and they didn't respect patient wishes on food either.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wish my FIL and my mom would heed your advice op! FIL is 76 and eats whatever he wants, meaning he is overweight, but he still works and is in a good shape compared to many people his age. Still, his house is falling apart, both bathrooms are in a need to a major renovation, for which he has the money, and they have been like this for the last 15 years! He refuses to get them done. The shower that works has a wooden plank on top of it, and under it is broken tiles and mold and just disgust. We even offered to pay to get it done, but he refuses any attempt to fix it.
He keeps saying that he will not go like those people that get dementia or can't walk. He will go with pride and the way he wants!
My mom is obese and diabetic and now a widow and she is counting on me and my sister to take care of her. How does she think we can lift a 220lbs woman?

It takes 3 EMTs to lift my dad when he falls, but each time, he makes us negotiate for hours before we can call 911.

Really? He takes your phones away? No, of course not, because he's on the floor, unable to get up!

Leave the damn room and call 911. Immediately.

FFS. I get that it's hard, but some people make it way, way harder than it needs to be.

[Anonymous]

I just sat down to have a cup of tea and a muffin after spending yesterday packing and today moving my father into a CCRC. Whew. I'm really tired, as is he, but I am so grateful that he is doing it while he is still healthy and of sound mind. When my mother passed suddenly last year, and she was the one who wanted to age in place, three days after she died my father asked me to tour a few CCRC's with him. We picked one, and months later, got the move in date. It's a beautiful apartment and the move, while stressful, is coming to an end. It's sad to leave the family home (54 years!) but he agrees it's time. What a blessing to have a father like him. Too bad my brothers did not step up to help even a little, but seeing my father be so grateful to me makes it all worth it. He's done so much for me over the years.

Now, once he gets his TV and internet hooked up, we will really be in business

I will be glad to step down from the weekly dinners I hosted so he would have company. I hope he makes friends and, as one of the few single men at the CCRC, I even think he might meet a special lady. He deserves happiness. I plan to be like him when I get older.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

I was hoping that by seeing how much they’ve uprooted my life and made me miserable, they’d concede to outside help

You CAN NOT be afraid of Mommy and Daddy not liking you. You have power over your own life.

Seriously, this is absurd. Middle-aged adults are letting their parents run their lives.

It's not absurd. These are difficult conversations and some of us are wracked with guilt at the thought of our parents moving to facilities or institutions where we don't know how the care will be. Sometimes these responsibilities also sneak up on you a bit; you start out by handling a few things and the list keeps growing. OR, in many cases, a parent has a fall or illness and you care for them during that time and, guess what? They don't get better or they never get back to the level they were before the event. All of a sudden you realize that you are still doing everything and the parent has gotten comfortable with the care they're getting. It's not simple or easy.

The PP is waiting outside her parents' room, hoping they'll recognize she's miserable. If they don't, she'll . . . what, continue to make her life subservient to theirs? It is absurd. People make decisions for themselves, not other grown adults. If parents want to age in place, that's their choice, but they do *not* get to dictate the level of help they get from their kids. Well, I guess they do, if they have raised kids who are too scared or otherwise cowed by them to stand up to them.

I sincerely hope my kids have more self-respect and backbone than this.

I have a feeling putting you in a home won't make your kids guilty at all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

I was hoping that by seeing how much they’ve uprooted my life and made me miserable, they’d concede to outside help

You CAN NOT be afraid of Mommy and Daddy not liking you. You have power over your own life.

Seriously, this is absurd. Middle-aged adults are letting their parents run their lives.

It's not absurd. These are difficult conversations and some of us are wracked with guilt at the thought of our parents moving to facilities or institutions where we don't know how the care will be. Sometimes these responsibilities also sneak up on you a bit; you start out by handling a few things and the list keeps growing. OR, in many cases, a parent has a fall or illness and you care for them during that time and, guess what? They don't get better or they never get back to the level they were before the event. All of a sudden you realize that you are still doing everything and the parent has gotten comfortable with the care they're getting. It's not simple or easy.

The PP is waiting outside her parents' room, hoping they'll recognize she's miserable. If they don't, she'll . . . what, continue to make her life subservient to theirs? It is absurd. People make decisions for themselves, not other grown adults. If parents want to age in place, that's their choice, but they do *not* get to dictate the level of help they get from their kids. Well, I guess they do, if they have raised kids who are too scared or otherwise cowed by them to stand up to them.

I sincerely hope my kids have more self-respect and backbone than this.

I have a feeling putting you in a home won't make your kids guilty at all.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I just sat down to have a cup of tea and a muffin after spending yesterday packing and today moving my father into a CCRC. Whew. I'm really tired, as is he, but I am so grateful that he is doing it while he is still healthy and of sound mind. When my mother passed suddenly last year, and she was the one who wanted to age in place, three days after she died my father asked me to tour a few CCRC's with him. We picked one, and months later, got the move in date. It's a beautiful apartment and the move, while stressful, is coming to an end. It's sad to leave the family home (54 years!) but he agrees it's time. What a blessing to have a father like him. Too bad my brothers did not step up to help even a little, but seeing my father be so grateful to me makes it all worth it. He's done so much for me over the years.

Now, once he gets his TV and internet hooked up, we will really be in business

I will be glad to step down from the weekly dinners I hosted so he would have company. I hope he makes friends and, as one of the few single men at the CCRC, I even think he might meet a special lady. He deserves happiness. I plan to be like him when I get older.

So glad it's working out; what a gift he gave all of you to find a better situation. After the TV is hooked up, you can tell him what our friend tells his widowed mother -- if you re-marry only do it for money, not for love!