Eldercare is tearing my family apart

[Anonymous]

Age in place is hugely taxing on the adult children even when the patient has enough money to hire full time aides. The administration of that alone is a lot, plus filling in when caregivers are absent, etc. Some caregivers won’t do meal prep, some won’t do bathing, etc etc etc. Endless Dr appointments and errands and constantly adjusting to the latest decline. It’s brutal even when the finances are good.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP,

I find communicating with sibling over Mom's care via email only is best. No texts, no meetings, no phone calls.
I'd keep the grandchild out of it. His parent can keep him/her informed.

Look around at residency options, nursing homes, assisted living etc.

Some scripts,

"My physicican has advised me to step back from Mom's care due to husbands cancer care. I can no longer provide daily care for Mom. I've scheduled Mom at _________
so that I can get 3 weeks of respite care. I will be signing the contract for respite care on __________. Mom will be moving into ___________ nursing home for 3 weeks so that I can get my physician prescribed respite care."

another script

"My physician has advised me to step away from Moms day to day care for medical reasons. Mom and I have toured ________. I will be signing the contract for her to move in to ______________ on ________________. Mom will
be moving in to ______________on _________.

another script

My physician has advised me to step away from Moms day to day care due to my husbands cancer battle. I am no longer available to get Mom groceries, feed Mom, launder Mom's clothes and pay Moms bills, clean Mom's house and do Mom's dishes. I've toured __________, and _____________, and ___________
with Mom. I think the family should consider alternative residency options for Mom and I believe considering these options will be a safer long term option for Mom.

Thank you. I took a mental health day from everything, but reading now. This last script is really helpful. I deeply appreciate it.

[Anonymous]

Man here taking care of his 84-year-old mother with mid-stage dementia. Her expressed/documented wishes are that she does not want to continue living once she cannot clean/dress/feed herself, and our family has a successful track record with assisted suicide. The key to making this work is being retired and all kids grown. She is five years into a prognosis of having 8 years to live. I consider it a gift to me and her that I can be with her and care for her in the final few years of her life. Lean in, people. (Convincing my wife of the rightness of this plan is a remaining challenge.)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Age in place is hugely taxing on the adult children even when the patient has enough money to hire full time aides. The administration of that alone is a lot, plus filling in when caregivers are absent, etc. Some caregivers won’t do meal prep, some won’t do bathing, etc etc etc. Endless Dr appointments and errands and constantly adjusting to the latest decline. It’s brutal even when the finances are good.

What do you think a nursing home is like? They get bathed twice a week, barely looked after and the main activity is staring at the wall or tv. Especially on medicaid. I would much rather have kept my MIL at home. We still have to visit a few times a week, bring in food, shop....doctors....dentists....

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When my parent's estate finally settled most of my siblings/I were pissed that they had about a million $$$. Both were lucky that they had great pensions/healthcare but and aged in place but this was accomplished by fighting them on paying for each increasing level of care they needed (which became 24/365 at end.) For way too long they relied on us to do doctor appts, personal care, errands. While that sounds simple it was on top of us all working, raising kids, having our own needs. We kept telling them that they'd worked for as long as they did to allow their dream of staying in their own home and it was their reward-not meant for us to inherit. Their legacy is that by the end there was so much acrimony among the 'kids' that few of us keep in touch and a million split 7 ways was not worth this OR seeing them suffer rather than pay for adequate care.

My parents have 100K left. 100K! The rest is in the house they are insisting on staying in, that's blowing through that 100K at an alarming rate.

They are better off enjoying it and going into a medicaid nursing home.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Age in place is hugely taxing on the adult children even when the patient has enough money to hire full time aides. The administration of that alone is a lot, plus filling in when caregivers are absent, etc. Some caregivers won’t do meal prep, some won’t do bathing, etc etc etc. Endless Dr appointments and errands and constantly adjusting to the latest decline. It’s brutal even when the finances are good.

What do you think a nursing home is like? They get bathed twice a week, barely looked after and the main activity is staring at the wall or tv. Especially on medicaid. I would much rather have kept my MIL at home. We still have to visit a few times a week, bring in food, shop....doctors....dentists....

If you can do it, without seriously impairing your own lives (and lives of any underage kids), that’s okay asa personal choice. The problems come in when it isn’t the caregiver’s choice but the elder and other relatives won’t agree to another solution. Or when the burden of at home care is causing extreme stress on the non-elders in the household.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Age in place is hugely taxing on the adult children even when the patient has enough money to hire full time aides. The administration of that alone is a lot, plus filling in when caregivers are absent, etc. Some caregivers won’t do meal prep, some won’t do bathing, etc etc etc. Endless Dr appointments and errands and constantly adjusting to the latest decline. It’s brutal even when the finances are good.

What do you think a nursing home is like? They get bathed twice a week, barely looked after and the main activity is staring at the wall or tv. Especially on medicaid. I would much rather have kept my MIL at home. We still have to visit a few times a week, bring in food, shop....doctors....dentists....

If you can do it, without seriously impairing your own lives (and lives of any underage kids), that’s okay asa personal choice. The problems come in when it isn’t the caregiver’s choice but the elder and other relatives won’t agree to another solution. Or when the burden of at home care is causing extreme stress on the non-elders in the household.

Exactly this. I was made to feel like a horrible person for not allowing my MIL to hospice in our house because our son had just recovered from a stint in the hospital with a deadly disease, and his docs recommended that we not do it. She hospiced in another sibling’s home 10 minutes away.

With my folks, I can and do want to help but can’t from 3000 miles away. They refuse to move closer and I can’t move to them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When my parent's estate finally settled most of my siblings/I were pissed that they had about a million $$$. Both were lucky that they had great pensions/healthcare but and aged in place but this was accomplished by fighting them on paying for each increasing level of care they needed (which became 24/365 at end.) For way too long they relied on us to do doctor appts, personal care, errands. While that sounds simple it was on top of us all working, raising kids, having our own needs. We kept telling them that they'd worked for as long as they did to allow their dream of staying in their own home and it was their reward-not meant for us to inherit. Their legacy is that by the end there was so much acrimony among the 'kids' that few of us keep in touch and a million split 7 ways was not worth this OR seeing them suffer rather than pay for adequate care.

My parents have 100K left. 100K! The rest is in the house they are insisting on staying in, that's blowing through that 100K at an alarming rate.

They are better off enjoying it and going into a medicaid nursing home.

They scream ‘no nursing home’, ‘not moving’, etc. That’s the point you are deliberately missing. The reality is, if they looked at other options, they could have it all - a great place to live, money in the bank to afford whatever care they want, and family around to help them with all their needs. That’s what they say they want too! They just refuse to make the change to get there. I get the concept of fear, but it’s an emotion, not reality.

[Anonymous]

I have the same exact situation as the poster above and this has been depressing to read while camping through the night outside my parents room. Meanwhile I have little kids at home with their dad. At least I know I’m not alone. I was hoping that by seeing how much they’ve uprooted my life and made me miserable, they’d concede to outside help. Tomorrow- “February 14”- was supposed to be my deadline and they still aren’t any closer to changing their minds.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have the same exact situation as the poster above and this has been depressing to read while camping through the night outside my parents room. Meanwhile I have little kids at home with their dad. At least I know I’m not alone. I was hoping that by seeing how much they’ve uprooted my life and made me miserable, they’d concede to outside help. Tomorrow- “February 14”- was supposed to be my deadline and they still aren’t any closer to changing their minds.

You have to just go home.

The other thing about aging in place is the loneliness, for everyone. A nice assisted living place can provide a valuable sense of community for both patients and their families.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Age in place is hugely taxing on the adult children even when the patient has enough money to hire full time aides. The administration of that alone is a lot, plus filling in when caregivers are absent, etc. Some caregivers won’t do meal prep, some won’t do bathing, etc etc etc. Endless Dr appointments and errands and constantly adjusting to the latest decline. It’s brutal even when the finances are good.

Agree with this. Also I find the admin/bill pay aspect takes a lot of time.

The real positive to the aging in place is that I've worked very diligently on cleaning out Mom's house. House attic is empty. Garage attic is empty. All valuables are out of the house and either dispersed to family or sold. I'm purging as much as possible from the house to lessen the load at the end.

Now I'm working on fixing up the house for future sale while Mom is still living in it. Last year I had the outside of the house re sided. This year the interior will probably get painted.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Only child here doing elder care for 1 parent. I wish we could be as kind to sick/ aging humans as we are to dogs. Some need to be put down but dont qualify for the very narrow right to die criteria (6 months to live and of sound mind). Alzheimer’s, dementia, and other physically slower deteriorating diseases are very common and it’s purely the greed of aging care industries that these people be kept alive and spoon fed at all costs so they can continue paying $9-15k a month for care. Sorry for the rant I’m just so over it and it’s more cruel when you know your family member in their “right mind” was the person who always said “I don’t want to end up like that/ please just kill me if I’m ever like that, etc”.

You might find listening to this episode of Kojo Nnandi interesting. Diane Rehm discusses this very issue:

https://wamu.org/story/20/02/05/diane-rehms-new-book-when-my-time-comes-takes-on-death/

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Man here taking care of his 84-year-old mother with mid-stage dementia. Her expressed/documented wishes are that she does not want to continue living once she cannot clean/dress/feed herself, and our family has a successful track record with assisted suicide. The key to making this work is being retired and all kids grown. She is five years into a prognosis of having 8 years to live. I consider it a gift to me and her that I can be with her and care for her in the final few years of her life. Lean in, people. (Convincing my wife of the rightness of this plan is a remaining challenge.)

Yeah, and you realize the bolded doesn't apply to many of us, right? My parents could easily need this level of help when my kids are teens, and I won't compromise parenting them during that challenging stage, nor would I ever want them to prioritize me at the end of my life over their own children. You are lucky that your children are grown and you're retired. Please have some compassion for those without that level of freedom.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Isn’t it sad that it’s nearly always the daughters who do the most? In my experience, sons do very little for their parents. How can we fix this for future generations? After all, daughters are now expected to work outside the home as well as take care of family. Isn’t it time we expect the same of our sons? Just a rant.

I am a son. I am taking care of my elderly mom. My sisters do nothing, because they live in California and Britain. But thanks for your generous assumptions about male behavior.

It’s wonderful that you’re taking care of your Mom and you should be praised for it, but that doesn’t change the fact that you’re rare. For every man that does it, there are many women.

He isn't rare. My husband did a lot for his mom.

No one is disputing there are unicorn men out there. But you must agree, disproportionately, women are the primary elder-caregivers, as they are for children.

As a side, I keep thinking I'll make my husband be part of the solution for his parents when the time comes, but I wonder if I really will. Will I be too overwhelmed with my kids, and my parents that I will easily overlook his parents' needs? I hope this comment is still in my mind then.

Can we please stop this argument? Men provide less care statistically. good for you if you are one of the minority, but don't get offended when plain old facts are brought up.

https://www.agingcare.com/articles/daughters-care-more-for-parents-than-sons-171474.htm

https://time.com/3153490/women-aging-parents-better-than-men/

https://www.caregiver.org/caregiver-statistics-demographics

https://www.pewsocialtrends.org/2013/01/30/caregiving-for-older-family-members/

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When my parent's estate finally settled most of my siblings/I were pissed that they had about a million $$$. Both were lucky that they had great pensions/healthcare but and aged in place but this was accomplished by fighting them on paying for each increasing level of care they needed (which became 24/365 at end.) For way too long they relied on us to do doctor appts, personal care, errands. While that sounds simple it was on top of us all working, raising kids, having our own needs. We kept telling them that they'd worked for as long as they did to allow their dream of staying in their own home and it was their reward-not meant for us to inherit. Their legacy is that by the end there was so much acrimony among the 'kids' that few of us keep in touch and a million split 7 ways was not worth this OR seeing them suffer rather than pay for adequate care.

My parents have 100K left. 100K! The rest is in the house they are insisting on staying in, that's blowing through that 100K at an alarming rate.

They are better off enjoying it and going into a medicaid nursing home.

They scream ‘no nursing home’, ‘not moving’, etc. That’s the point you are deliberately missing. The reality is, if they looked at other options, they could have it all - a great place to live, money in the bank to afford whatever care they want, and family around to help them with all their needs. That’s what they say they want too! They just refuse to make the change to get there. I get the concept of fear, but it’s an emotion, not reality.

I think the indecisiveness is common as people age, unfortunately. My grandfather, bless him, moved he and my grandmother into a great facility when they were in their late 60's/early 70's - they were still quite healthy at that point. My grandmother did not want to go, but it was the best decision for them. I saw the indecisiveness creep in in his '80's. He was constantly worried about the estate tax (this is when the Estate Tax was applicable to estates of $1million) and we endlessly discussed a trust so his estate wouldn't be subject to the estate tax. I thought it had all been set up, only to learn that he could never quite decide. The gov't took half of their estate - which was right at the $1million mark. They weren't wealthy people. He had simply consistently invested relatively small amounts in the stock market for probably 30-40 years and reaped the benefit of the late '90's stock market boom.

I see the same lack of decisiveness with my parents, who are healthy but almost 80. They keep talking about moving to a retirement community in my hometown. I thought it was a concrete plan, but it turns out they haven't even met with the retirement community.

My best friend is in an even worse situation - her mother is in very bad health. Basically homebound and on oxygen. She can't even get her parents to have a conversation with her. I feel like that's going to just crash down on her. At least she and her sister are in the same town and are close with each other. She owns her own business so her time is somewhat her own.