husband wants to keep baby and I don't

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We have an 11 year old dd and I just found out I am pregnant. I don't want this child and my husband wants it.

Hmm. OP doesn’t say she doesn’t want this clump of cells. She doesn’t say she doesn’t want this fetus. I wonder why?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP I bet your child will love the baby. But having been in a similar situation, where my mom didn't want to have me, I suggest you go to therapy if you do decide to.keep the child.

If you only wanted one and no.more, why didn't you have your tubes tied when you had your first, instead of messing around with birth control? Something isn't adding up in this story.

Another option would be to have the baby, get tubes tied, get a divorce and give dad full custody of both children and you have visitation rights. That way you are done, and he gets to have the kids he wanted.

I know so many women where doctors flat out refused to tie their tubes because they may change their minds. That may not have been an option. Although I will say that someone who hates the idea of another baby sure didn’t pay attention to birth control as much as she claims.

That's ridiculous. If a doctor refuses there are more than many that will. Why go to a doctor like that??????

we went to multiple doctors and they all refused. This was in 2008.

I'm sorry pp.

One of my friends suffered decades of pain because doctors refused to give her the hysterectomy she badly needed. Finally, when she was almost 40, they relented and she had the surgery. She was never able to have children, due to her health issues anyhow.

This is why women need to control their own bodies and doctors need to believe them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I know a number of people that aren't on speaking terms with their siblings. Life is not a hallmark movie.

'

Especially if DC #2 feels unloved and less than DC #1, which is bound to happen in any situation where OP has this child.

As an adult who was in this situation, it takes a lot of therapy. My dad wanted to have me and my mom did not; I didn't find out til my 30s and then my whole childhood made sense.

I would talk to a therapist and a divorce lawyer OP. If you decide to have the child, see if you can give full custody to your dh.

[Anonymous]

New poster. It's Sunday. First thing in the morning, get to a Women's Center (they're all over) and say you need emergency counseling. Ask them to help you locate a therapist or counselor who specializes in family and pregnancy counseling and who can see you within a day or two. Do not go to a religiously affiliated pastoral counselor (and I say that as a religious but pro-choice person myself--unless you do want a religious perspective here, you need to steer clear of anyone with ANY agenda; you need a truly objective professional). Talk to a pro, not us here on an anonymous board. You might need to go alone first. Probably you and DH need immediate coupes therapy as he has already dropped the nuclear option of divorce on you -- that would profoundly affect your DD and you and DH need to cool all this down ASAP with professional help before you both blow up your living, breathing, currently-here DD's world with a divorce.

I also agree with the PP who noted that you might be letting your own past of poverty affect your thinking too much. You need to sort through that, and fast. You and DH need a third party to mediate and get you both to back off the intensity right now. Get help and tell him you won't remotely consider discussing this again until he agrees to see and actually listen to a therapist or counselor.

[Anonymous]

This is such a tough situation, and I don't think there's any way out where your family remains intact, OP. I feel horrible saying that, but your husband is "allowed" to change his mind, just as you would be. You're allowed to want to hold firm to what you both agree to, just as he would be. I think sometimes we think we know what we want, and then this happens, and it creates a new situation not foreseen and people react.

Neither one of you is right, and neither one of you is wrong. That's why I see no way out where you will be happy together after this. He'll see the family as incomplete if you terminate, you'll be resentful, resetting the clock on child rearing. There isn't much compromise to be had here, so I would unfortunately get your ducks in a row and prepare for separation.

This is sad for all of you. I'm really sorry.

[Anonymous]

I’ve spent $100k on medical treatments trying for a second child. And she is spontaneously pregnant and wants to abort. Why is the universe so cruel (to both of us)?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We have an 11 year old dd and I just found out I am pregnant. I don't want this child and my husband wants it. I have been so careful with my birth control regiment. Our dd is set for life and if we have another one it means that she will get half of what she has now and her inheritance will be divided by two. I just can't. We have discussed it for three days now and he won't budge. If I terminate he threatened divorce. I cannot bring a child into this world that I know I won't love. When we got married we both didn't want any children, then he changed his mind and I gave in. I only agreed because he promised we would be one and done.

You took on this risk when you and your DH decided to not have permanent birth control. Both of you need to own that decision. Non-permanent BC ALWAYS fails someone somewhere.

I would suggest you and your spouse go to a therapist who is experienced in this type of dilemma. This is a decision that you both need to figure out.

If you terminate without your DH being on board, your marriage will suffer and probably crumble. This will definitely adversely affect your child- now at an age when they are extremely vulnerable (preteen)- moreso than any halved inheritance they will get when they are 60.

If you miscarry, you and your spouse still need to go to a therapist to talk through things- so that your marriage has a chance to be saved.

Also know that many people have unplanned and unwanted pregnancies that result in children that are loved- once the parents got over the shock and dismay of what their life was going to be like.

If you are in a position to have your first child be set for life, then you have money to throw at a newborn/toddler to make your life as pleasant as possible.

Unexpected things happen in life. We cannot plan it. We just have to make do with what comes our way. This is definitely not the worst that life could have thrown your way.

Ultimately, it is your choice and you are in the driver's seat.

[Anonymous]

With a 12 year age difference, the kids would be more mom or babysitter and kid than siblings.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP I bet your child will love the baby. But having been in a similar situation, where my mom didn't want to have me, I suggest you go to therapy if you do decide to.keep the child.

If you only wanted one and no.more, why didn't you have your tubes tied when you had your first, instead of messing around with birth control? Something isn't adding up in this story.

Another option would be to have the baby, get tubes tied, get a divorce and give dad full custody of both children and you have visitation rights. That way you are done, and he gets to have the kids he wanted.

I know so many women where doctors flat out refused to tie their tubes because they may change their minds. That may not have been an option. Although I will say that someone who hates the idea of another baby sure didn’t pay attention to birth control as much as she claims.

That's ridiculous. If a doctor refuses there are more than many that will. Why go to a doctor like that??????

we went to multiple doctors and they all refused. This was in 2008.

OTOH, I have never heard of a doctor refusing to do a vasectomy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There’s no middle ground, I’m afraid. One or potentially all of you is going to be unhappy no matter how your proceed. Contact a divorce lawyer and a family therapist today. You’re going to need both. Good luck!

This. This is your body so ultimately you get to decide to have the baby or not.

The baby has a body also. There are two bodies here.

WRoNG not a baby!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We have an 11 year old dd and I just found out I am pregnant. I don't want this child and my husband wants it. I have been so careful with my birth control regiment. Our dd is set for life and if we have another one it means that she will get half of what she has now and her inheritance will be divided by two. I just can't. We have discussed it for three days now and he won't budge. If I terminate he threatened divorce. I cannot bring a child into this world that I know I won't love. When we got married we both didn't want any children, then he changed his mind and I gave in. I only agreed because he promised we would be one and done.

You took on this risk when you and your DH decided to not have permanent birth control. Both of you need to own that decision. Non-permanent BC ALWAYS fails someone somewhere.

I would suggest you and your spouse go to a therapist who is experienced in this type of dilemma. This is a decision that you both need to figure out.

If you terminate without your DH being on board, your marriage will suffer and probably crumble. This will definitely adversely affect your child- now at an age when they are extremely vulnerable (preteen)- moreso than any halved inheritance they will get when they are 60.

If you miscarry, you and your spouse still need to go to a therapist to talk through things- so that your marriage has a chance to be saved.

Also know that many people have unplanned and unwanted pregnancies that result in children that are loved- once the parents got over the shock and dismay of what their life was going to be like.

If you are in a position to have your first child be set for life, then you have money to throw at a newborn/toddler to make your life as pleasant as possible.

Unexpected things happen in life. We cannot plan it. We just have to make do with what comes our way. This is definitely not the worst that life could have thrown your way.

Ultimately, it is your choice and you are in the driver's seat.

\\\



Best post in the whole thread. Thoughtful and thought out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’ve spent $100k on medical treatments trying for a second child. And she is spontaneously pregnant and wants to abort. Why is the universe so cruel (to both of us)?

Oh give me a break.

-Someone who spent a similar amount on baby #1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, you need to sit down and consider your options. If your husband is serious about divorce if you terminate this baby, then your 11 y.o. will be raised by divorced family, and I am not sure what will do more harm -- a sibling or a divorce.

THIS.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There’s no middle ground, I’m afraid. One or potentially all of you is going to be unhappy no matter how your proceed. Contact a divorce lawyer and a family therapist today. You’re going to need both. Good luck!

This. This is your body so ultimately you get to decide to have the baby or not.

The baby has a body also. There are two bodies here.

Nope. 1) There is no baby. Just a clump of cells. 2) The woman has to consent to carrying those cells and in this case the woman does not. The woman’s choice will ALWAYS come first. ALWAYS.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The greatest gift I ever gave DC1 was a sibling. besides the lessons of learning that you are not the center of the universe, having a sibling (usually) provides support and family much longer than child years. aunts/uncles for your grandchildren, a shoulder to lean on for your DC1 when you and your DH pass.

do you want DC1 to really walk the path of life alone? Sure there are plenty of well adjusted only children in the world, but there are many who wish as adults they had a sibling.

Eleven years apart is hard on a good day. Many siblings do not get along.

There are no guarantees in life, including that OP's one and only would be happier as an only, or that OP won't love DC#2.

You know what is a guarantee: that if you don't have a sibling, you will be an only. Plenty of onlies are lonely and face hardship as they get older because they bear the sole burden of looking in on their parents, and I don't mean financial support, but emotional and mental support. Sure, you could end up having a crap relationship with your children; that could be said about OP and her DD in the future. Like I said, there are no guarantees in life.

My siblings and I live hundreds and some, thousands of miles apart. DH and his siblings are separated by an ocean, but we can all lean on each other to look in on our elderly parents and spend time with them.

As I get older (DH and I are in our 50s), I realize how wonderful it is to have more than one child as we are looking into our retirement years. My nieces and nephews are all much older than our children, so it's great that my kids have each other because they don't have much family around.