husband wants to keep baby and I don't

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The weird part about this post is reducing the problem to how much inheritance her DD will receive.

Troll?

I suspect there's some element of shock and she's not thinking all that clearly. It's amazing what you worry about when you get some unexpected news. I could see myself thinking "but I just bought those expensive jeans and now they won't fit!" Completely insane, but you focus on small things when you're overwhelmed on big things.

OP - if you are just a few weeks pregnant don't do anything now. Sit on it for a week. I do wonder if you aren't a little bit conflicted because if you weren't, why did you even tell your husband? I know women who just took care of it because they knew unequivocally they didn't want another.

I told him because I thought he would agree with me that we can't have another child. Never in my wildest dreams did I think he would change.

At this point it doesn't matter whether you told him or not. He knows now, and what you decide from here is the issue.

There is a lot at stake here from your current child, who is old enough to understand the issues her parents are having. To know her family is being torn apart.


OP you are her mother and if you are not happy emotionally it will hurt her. The money who cares. The emotional toll this will take on her if you bring another child into this world and you are unhappy could be even harder long term. Obviously, this is very challenging for all of you. Although, you asked for advice this decision needs to come from within you and what you feel is correct. If that means termination and leaving your husband, then that's your call. No one should be telling you either way.

My guess is your marriage has not been perfect up to this point. Because you would have known your husbands true feelings on the matter.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The weird part about this post is reducing the problem to how much inheritance her DD will receive.

Troll?

not a troll. We have worked really hard to make sure that our child won't go through the hardship we both went through. We both grew up with struggling single mothers and sometimes school lunch was the only meal hence not wanting kids in the first place.

OP, my mother grew up in a similar situation and even though she is quite affluent in her senior years, her childhood poverty has an outsize bearing on her sense of security. The fear and want she experienced as a child will always be with her, no matter how much she's risen above those conditions. So, I totally get how a potential inheritance could drive your decision-making.

Let me suggest that you widen your sense of what provides provides financial security. Consider the benefits of a sibling. You've framed this an an inherent zero-sum competition for resources between two children. In fact, a sibling could be a source of financial and emotional support throughout one's life. Your DD could make a bad financial decision, get swindled by an unscrupulous spouse, or end up being the sole financial and emotional caretaker of you and your husband as you age. A sibling could soften any of those blows, financially and otherwise.

PP again, just to add that I think you and your husband would benefit from a few counseling sessions with someone who can help the two of you frame and think through this decision. It sounds like you're both considering the decision on the narrow terms that are your emotional home base, and by doing that, it will be tough to find common ground to work with. Whatever the outcome here, you and your husband will have to find a way to move forward together in some capacity for the sake of your daughter.

Best wishes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The greatest gift I ever gave DC1 was a sibling. besides the lessons of learning that you are not the center of the universe, having a sibling (usually) provides support and family much longer than child years. aunts/uncles for your grandchildren, a shoulder to lean on for your DC1 when you and your DH pass.

do you want DC1 to really walk the path of life alone? Sure there are plenty of well adjusted only children in the world, but there are many who wish as adults they had a sibling.

Eleven years apart is hard on a good day. Many siblings do not get along.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s your body.

And her husband's baby and her DD's sibling.

Not enough reason to make her do something with her body that she doesn’t want to do.

Yes, it is. Unless she is so selfish that she doesn't mind making her so-called love ones live with this for the rest of their lives, too.

No, it’s not. Nobody can use your body against your will. It’s not allowed in any other aspect of our society. There must be consent for sex, consent for medical procedures, consent to even be touched or the person faces battery charges. Women consent to being pregnant or they don’t. And they can change their mind at any time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Your husband is very selfish indeed for moving the goalposts.

You have every right to abort. (I agree 100%)

One option is to give up the baby for adoption, but I understand you might not want to carry a baby to term in those conditions.

Wow. Are you always this heartless?

[Anonymous]

If the roles were reversed, the Wife could keep the baby and obligate the father to support, but in this case the Father has no say? Does that seem fair?

I would divorce you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You want to terminate because your DD won’t get as much of an inheritance if you have the baby? No wonder your husband is threatening divorce. You guys need to talk to a therapist. It seems odd to me that an inheritance, many decades from now, is the first reason you cite.

I’d rather have siblings than a big inheritance. My own kids are over a decade apart and my older one was thrilled to get a sibling despite understanding the financial impact.

Everyone I know who was one and done got surgically sterilized after the one. Either the H got the snip or the wife got her tubes tied. In a couple cases, they both did it.

OP is going to do what she wants. It just comes with a cost.

+1. OP, I'm sure this comes as a huge shock. But please consider that you need to make this decision in conjunction with your DH; this is not something that you can unilaterally decide, as the consequences will have a huge impact on your DD as well.

Also, please do not assert now that you would not love this baby. You may feel that way in the heat of the surprise, but nature has a way of giving us time for that love to grow.

Please pro birth person. NO.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP I bet your child will love the baby. But having been in a similar situation, where my mom didn't want to have me, I suggest you go to therapy if you do decide to.keep the child.

If you only wanted one and no.more, why didn't you have your tubes tied when you had your first, instead of messing around with birth control? Something isn't adding up in this story.

Another option would be to have the baby, get tubes tied, get a divorce and give dad full custody of both children and you have visitation rights. That way you are done, and he gets to have the kids he wanted.

I know so many women where doctors flat out refused to tie their tubes because they may change their minds. That may not have been an option. Although I will say that someone who hates the idea of another baby sure didn’t pay attention to birth control as much as she claims.

That's ridiculous. If a doctor refuses there are more than many that will. Why go to a doctor like that??????

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The greatest gift I ever gave DC1 was a sibling. besides the lessons of learning that you are not the center of the universe, having a sibling (usually) provides support and family much longer than child years. aunts/uncles for your grandchildren, a shoulder to lean on for your DC1 when you and your DH pass.

do you want DC1 to really walk the path of life alone? Sure there are plenty of well adjusted only children in the world, but there are many who wish as adults they had a sibling.

Eleven years apart is hard on a good day. Many siblings do not get along.

Life is long. The gap doesn't seem as large as life goes on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s your body.

And her husband's baby and her DD's sibling.

No, it's a fetus. Not a baby.

+!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You also didn't want your current Dd. Have you ended up loving her at all?

If you have never warmed to her and still resent her presence in your life that is a pretty good indication of how you will feel about the 2nd.

We both decided on no kids when we got married. But he changed his mind and we had her and she was very much wanted once I found out I was pregnant. We love her to pieces.

OP, you already went through this: not wanting a child -> loving her to pieces. What makes you think a second pregnancy will be different? You will love your second child as much, if not more, as you love your first one.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP I bet your child will love the baby. But having been in a similar situation, where my mom didn't want to have me, I suggest you go to therapy if you do decide to.keep the child.

If you only wanted one and no.more, why didn't you have your tubes tied when you had your first, instead of messing around with birth control? Something isn't adding up in this story.

Another option would be to have the baby, get tubes tied, get a divorce and give dad full custody of both children and you have visitation rights. That way you are done, and he gets to have the kids he wanted.

I know so many women where doctors flat out refused to tie their tubes because they may change their minds. That may not have been an option. Although I will say that someone who hates the idea of another baby sure didn’t pay attention to birth control as much as she claims.

That's ridiculous. If a doctor refuses there are more than many that will. Why go to a doctor like that??????

we went to multiple doctors and they all refused. This was in 2008.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There’s no middle ground, I’m afraid. One or potentially all of you is going to be unhappy no matter how your proceed. Contact a divorce lawyer and a family therapist today. You’re going to need both. Good luck!

This. This is your body so ultimately you get to decide to have the baby or not.

The baby has a body also. There are two bodies here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP I bet your child will love the baby. But having been in a similar situation, where my mom didn't want to have me, I suggest you go to therapy if you do decide to.keep the child.

If you only wanted one and no.more, why didn't you have your tubes tied when you had your first, instead of messing around with birth control? Something isn't adding up in this story.

Another option would be to have the baby, get tubes tied, get a divorce and give dad full custody of both children and you have visitation rights. That way you are done, and he gets to have the kids he wanted.

I know so many women where doctors flat out refused to tie their tubes because they may change their minds. That may not have been an option. Although I will say that someone who hates the idea of another baby sure didn’t pay attention to birth control as much as she claims.

That's ridiculous. If a doctor refuses there are more than many that will. Why go to a doctor like that??????

we went to multiple doctors and they all refused. This was in 2008.

I'm a member of a number of childfree groups, and yes, this is a thing! A lot of doctors won't do it.

[Anonymous]

OP, you need to sit down and consider your options. If your husband is serious about divorce if you terminate this baby, then your 11 y.o. will be raised by divorced family, and I am not sure what will do more harm -- a sibling or a divorce.