Grades - I screwed up

[Anonymous]

OP- I've done things similar to what you have described when my DD was in middle school/9th grade. We are UMC and education is VERY important to us too. My DD was very unhappy and I was unhappy. She was shutting down. My husband was also unhappy that I was always screaming.

It's taken years but largely I've dialed way back because I knew it was harmful. Perhaps the 84% your daughter earned that day was the best she could muster. Maybe she was unfocused and didn't study as hard as she could. Maybe her best friend from middle school treated her terribly the night before and what you saw as laziness was her trying to cope. HS is a big adjustment.

I recommend apologizing. Fortunately most kids are forgiving. I'd ask your daughter what went wrong on the test. One thing I'd ask is if she knows the mean. If the mean was a 50% her 84% might be a good grade for that particular test. Sometimes teachers love to fail kids on particular tests. If the 84% wasn't a great grade for the test, ask her what she thinks went wrong and what she thinks she could do better next time.

Some things my DD does now is study in study groups, talk with her teachers, and listen to pod casts to study AP material.

[Anonymous]

You should read books by Dr. Shefali Tsabary - she helps parents think about their own issues and what they're playing out with the kids

good luck!

[Anonymous]

One thing I've noticed - kids who are used to perfection but find themselves unexpectedly unprepared/confused often resort to cheating both to save face and save grades.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ok, I hear you all. OP here.

She wants a school that’s hard to get into. She’s wanted it for various reasons on her own. I’m really not a helicopter parent. I’m here to tell her you’re aiming for x, you aren’t going to get there without y.

I’m a loving mom who wants to guide their kids in the direction and path they chose. She wants to achieve something and I’m part of guiding her there. I’m not a monster.

Not an elitist either. It’s my kid driving this train.

Yes, you are. You can claim it is your kid driving all you want but she’s doing this because of you. You need to calm the hell down before you really mess her up. An 84 won’t kill her. Breathe.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My kid brought home an 84 and I lost it. Since then, worse grades. I dialed in the pressure cooker. How do I dial it back? Have you been there?

I know I did wrong. I took way too many marbles out of her jar. Too much pressure too soon. She’s cracking to please me, not herself. She was fine before I intervened. I feel awful and responsible for bringing too much negativity into her life.

For the record, we expect straight A’s. She’s capable of this. It’s like I ruined her psyche.

For the record, do you also expect a suicidal kid? Because that's what you are risking.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here, oh the drama. My Dad always asked why my A- wasn’t an A in HS and I wasn’t suicidal. He was just a parent, half joking. My kid is fine, I just pushed a bit too hard.

I had a 2.9 in undergrad. I was not the greatest student in college. Embarrassing.

Again, looking for how to get her back on track. I screwed up, too much pressure too soon. Can I hear from those who’ve been there? I definitely yucked her yum.

People have told you multiple times. You are a psycho and need therapy for you. Your daughter is fine. You sound unhinged.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, you’ve changed your story multiple times. From “expecting straight As” to “she’s driving this”. Nope—I don’t buy it. Each time you’ve posted you’ve tried to explain that you’re not as terrible as you sound. A spreadsheet of grades? That sounds delightful.

And you had a 2.9? So where do you get off putting that kind of pressure and expectations in your kid? She has your genes!

Why wouldn’t a 14 year old be taught to know how they are measured in life? Should she not understand in November how to get an A in her class?

Yes, I expect A’s because she can achieve these grades. It’s rote memorization and some emerging critical thinking. In sum, she’s very capable.

As for my 2.9, I clearly didn’t do well in undergrad. Too much partying. I played a lot of spades. I didn’t care about grades the first two years. Young and dumb.

To each their own, but I’m supporting my daughter with her life goals.

You might have gotten a mediocre 2.9 in college, but in terms of mothering you are earning a big Fat F.

[Anonymous]

Did you apologize?

Seriously, that goes a long way with kids. With everyone, really.

We're human and we make mistakes. Even parents. It's ok to admit that to your DD and to apologize honestly and directly -- and it's actually a good model for her, because she's also going to screw up plenty and will need to know how to apologize and repair relationships, too.

Something like: "I'm so sorry I flipped out about your XYZ grade last week. I realize I completely overreacted, and I feel awful about it. Please know that I don't expect you to be perfect -- none of us can be, myself included. Hell, you just saw me flip out over an 84, so clearly I make mistakes, too! Anyway, I'm sorry about that. I know what I said was hurtful and wrong, and I know I can do better than that."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is pretty common among parents who were not high achievers, like OP. She "doesn't want her dd to repeat her mistakes." I know other people, who did not finish college, acting like op. Screaming at their kids for a B. OP going on about her mistakes just reinforces that op has a narrow minded mind set. She can't see the big picture of what matters when you are raising a teen or any child, and hint... it is not the grades.

Agreed

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Did you apologize?

Seriously, that goes a long way with kids. With everyone, really.

We're human and we make mistakes. Even parents. It's ok to admit that to your DD and to apologize honestly and directly -- and it's actually a good model for her, because she's also going to screw up plenty and will need to know how to apologize and repair relationships, too.

Something like: "I'm so sorry I flipped out about your XYZ grade last week. I realize I completely overreacted, and I feel awful about it. Please know that I don't expect you to be perfect -- none of us can be, myself included. Hell, you just saw me flip out over an 84, so clearly I make mistakes, too! Anyway, I'm sorry about that. I know what I said was hurtful and wrong, and I know I can do better than that."

This! This! 100 times this! I can't believe you flipped out over a single 84% and then come in asking how to make her high achieving again. You need to read over what the PP said, really absorb it and say it back to your daughter. Everyone screws up sometimes and kids need to know that a mistake here and there isn't the end of the world. The best thing we can do for perfectionist children is show them that stumbles will happen along the way, but it's OK. That's not the direction you are going right now and I am sad for you and your daughter.

[Anonymous]

OP, I just wanted to chime in that I've struggled with some similar behaviors with my DS, and he's only in 7th grade. I realized that it was my anxiety driving some of my parenting, as I was also flipping out over grades similar to your daughter's. I just got myself back into therapy and am working on dialing back my emotion so that my son can navigate this on his own with appropriate scaffolding. As someone who has worked in higher education for 20 years, I want to get my control issues in check before my kid ends up floundering in college because I overparented him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My kid brought home an 84 and I lost it. Since then, worse grades. I dialed in the pressure cooker. How do I dial it back? Have you been there?

I know I did wrong. I took way too many marbles out of her jar. Too much pressure too soon. She’s cracking to please me, not herself. She was fine before I intervened. I feel awful and responsible for bringing too much negativity into her life.

For the record, we expect straight A’s. She’s capable of this. It’s like I ruined her psyche.

For the record, do you also expect a suicidal kid? Because that's what you are risking.

DP.
Oh, puhleeze, stop it with suicidal bullshit! Kids who are suicidal aren't suicidal because their parents 'expect an A'.

[Anonymous]

You’re absolutely crazy and should get help to manage your anxiety (a spreadsheet?!?) before you do real damage to your daughter’s mental health. At the end of the day if she’s not mentally healthy nothing matters.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My kid brought home an 84 and I lost it. Since then, worse grades. I dialed in the pressure cooker. How do I dial it back? Have you been there?

I know I did wrong. I took way too many marbles out of her jar. Too much pressure too soon. She’s cracking to please me, not herself. She was fine before I intervened. I feel awful and responsible for bringing too much negativity into her life.

For the record, we expect straight A’s. She’s capable of this. It’s like I ruined her psyche.

Please re read your post OP. How is your dd driving this train? You are insane.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My kid brought home an 84 and I lost it. Since then, worse grades. I dialed in the pressure cooker. How do I dial it back? Have you been there?

I know I did wrong. I took way too many marbles out of her jar. Too much pressure too soon. She’s cracking to please me, not herself. She was fine before I intervened. I feel awful and responsible for bringing too much negativity into her life.

For the record, we expect straight A’s. She’s capable of this. It’s like I ruined her psyche.

For the record, do you also expect a suicidal kid? Because that's what you are risking.

DP.
Oh, puhleeze, stop it with suicidal bullshit! Kids who are suicidal aren't suicidal because their parents 'expect an A'.

Some are. I used to work in adolescent mental health and definitely saw kids whose suicidal behavior was driven by feeling trapped by their parents expectations. Parental approval and parental support and parental pressure and expectation matters a lot more to teens than they let on.