Grades - I screwed up

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I love my kids unconditionally. Love, is different from launching them into adulthood. I support all my kids’ dreams. When their dreams don’t align with reality, that’s my job to state the hard facts an adult.

As for killing me over the Excel spreadsheet, it’s important For them to know where they are, where they hope to go, etc... Too often, everyone is giving them bullshit feedback at school.

You’re not getting into the school you want with a 3.75 is simply a fact. What’s so evil about telling them facts.

She’s an amazing person who will definitely do amazing things. My job as a parent is part guidance.

Understanding and trying to launch the kid in a direction they choose, with guidance. Do you think parents shouldn’t tell their kids at some point - you just aren’t there? Sugar coat their lives.

And how's that approach working out for you so far OP? Clearly not well as you're here asking for guidance because your daughter's grades are plummeting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
My kid went to an IVY Graduated with degree in Engineering minor in CS. Had a 3.9 in college. Definitely got a few 80's or below in his HS career. He's a CTO now again my parenting or yours. I will go with mine. Proven results six kids....

It's just another boomer who thinks the world is the same as 40 years ago.

Maybe in 80s you could get into ivy with 80's, but not these days.

[Anonymous]

Op back. Glutton for punishment. She’s a talented kid. I’m pushing a bit strong. I’ve dialed back the pressure cooker.

This kid is internally motivated. Suggesting some kids take 20 minutes to be the best is complete BS. It’s hours of practice in your chosen field, even with a natural inclination.

I’m going with realism. You are pretty darn good, but others are better is something they should know. And peers are better because everyone pretends like being #1 is all natural talent, and behind the scenes they are swimming like crazy, just like you. Understand, they aren’t putting 20 minutes into. Ring the best.

[Anonymous]

Ugh... being the best.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
My kid went to an IVY Graduated with degree in Engineering minor in CS. Had a 3.9 in college. Definitely got a few 80's or below in his HS career. He's a CTO now again my parenting or yours. I will go with mine. Proven results six kids....

It's just another boomer who thinks the world is the same as 40 years ago.

Maybe in 80s you could get into ivy with 80's, but not these days.

Wrong. 2012 graduate W school. You don’t know anything, the original poster will have her kid in therapy. Sorry to her child, I on the other hand raised young adults not to sweat the small stuff, know how to work hard and be more than decent human beings.

[Anonymous]

Yes, you have perfect children whom excel everywhere in everything. OP will have to deal with therapy. Great advice.

Suck it DCUM.

—OP

[Anonymous]

I want to thank OP for beginning this thread. My very bright dc is a sophomore in HS and had straight A's in 9th grade. During the last few weeks, his grades in a few classes have dropped down below 90 (I think the World Series had something to do with this). I thought about this thread, and I decided to tell my DC the following (paraphrased):

You are 16 years old. You've always made great grades, and you're capable of continuing that. We will always support you in any way you ask -- tutors, or whatever help we can give. However, they are YOUR grades. When you were younger, we worried that you didn't understand how important grades are, but I feel sure that you do now. We'll certainly talk if things go completely off the rails, but I'm not going to bug you about grades and assignments on a day to day basis anymore.

(FWIW, we've always told DC that we'll support his decisions about where he wants to go to college, etc, but that we encourage him to make the very best grades because that will increase the number of options he'll have.)

The evening after we had this conversation, my DC came to me and we had the longest and best conversation we'd ever had about his classes and how he was doing in school. The additional pressure really was counterproductive.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op back. Glutton for punishment. She’s a talented kid. I’m pushing a bit strong. I’ve dialed back the pressure cooker.

This kid is internally motivated. Suggesting some kids take 20 minutes to be the best is complete BS. It’s hours of practice in your chosen field, even with a natural inclination.

I’m going with realism. You are pretty darn good, but others are better is something they should know. And peers are better because everyone pretends like being #1 is all natural talent, and behind the scenes they are swimming like crazy, just like you. Understand, they aren’t putting 20 minutes into. Ring the best.

OP, if you recommend Excel as a tool for a kid who is a self-striver, that's one thing. But when you demanded a particular level of performance and blew up when it wasn't attained, you negated her role as someone who is striving for her own goals. And, I don't know but the stress could carry over into the subsequent low grades ( I think you said). Maybe more of a mentoring approach that empowers her would work better.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My kid brought home an 84 and I lost it. Since then, worse grades. I dialed in the pressure cooker. How do I dial it back? Have you been there?

I know I did wrong. I took way too many marbles out of her jar. Too much pressure too soon. She’s cracking to please me, not herself. She was fine before I intervened. I feel awful and responsible for bringing too much negativity into her life.

For the record, we expect straight A’s. She’s capable of this. It’s like I ruined her psyche.

If you lost it over an 84, I suggest therapy. Honestly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sit her down and apologize. Profusely. Let her know you made a mistake. Not only does she deserve an apology, but you'll be acknowledging that people aren't perfect, which is a lesson you really, really, really need to learn.

Thank you for actually responding to the question.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. 9th grade. It was a major test. I require that she load all her grades into an excel spreadsheet She creates and understandS the rubric. It’s a life skill. She needs to understand and manage her own life. Measures extend beyond the home.

I’m very hands off. She’s definitely done well so far. It was one test, but an important test. She needs to understand what grade she needs next test to secure an A. It’s a pretty high A.

I’m not a “do your best” kind of mom, grades don’t matter. This wasn’t her best. Sloppy work. I laid into her too hard.

Point is, she likely would have course corrected without me. How do you get back to it’s your life, these are your dreams, this is what it takes to achieve those dreams without killing them over one ok grade, but ensuring they understand their competitors.

Where she wants to go to college, a B is not sufficient. I can be a bit, the college you want has a 5% acceptance rate speech to a point. Think about that. It’s realism with love and not crushing her soul. I hope that makes sense.

"I require that she load all her grades into an excel spreadsheet" and "I’m very hands off" don't go together. You need to develop some self-awareness ASAP.

[Anonymous]

Not all of us want to ruin our relationships with our children in some imaginary fight to the top, OP. I don’t care if my child is #1.

[Anonymous]

School is overrated.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I can’t believe you posted something that makes you look so terrible.

I think it takes a lot of strength to post something you know makes you look terrible.

My daughter got straight As last quarter and this week she felt sick at school and failed a test (like a real E, not an 84, which is actually a good grade). She flipped out. Kids are under pressure already from themselves. Some kids need a push, but if your child is already doing well, you risk burning her out and also ruining your relationship. Work ethic is far more important than any other trait. Knowing she’s capable of As isn’t a thing. Sometimes there are roadblocks. Sometimes she just will be off for a day. Maybe she only understood 84% of he information on that test. Perhaps she just couldn’t get an A that day. Do you want her to learn that life is this pass or fail? Do you want her to understand failure (or even just being well above average occasionally on a test) as part of life? I can not remember a time that I got straight As on a report card. It’s not all about grades. Your child needs an education in how to navigate a lot more things than getting above a 4.0 in High a School and she won’t learn those things if you’re breathing down her neck for perfection. Nobody is perfect and it’s unreasonable to think it will come every time. Plus, you’ll drive yourself crazy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I love my kids unconditionally. Love, is different from launching them into adulthood. I support all my kids’ dreams. When their dreams don’t align with reality, that’s my job to state the hard facts an adult.

As for killing me over the Excel spreadsheet, it’s important For them to know where they are, where they hope to go, etc... Too often, everyone is giving them bullshit feedback at school.

You’re not getting into the school you want with a 3.75 is simply a fact. What’s so evil about telling them facts.

She’s an amazing person who will definitely do amazing things. My job as a parent is part guidance.

Understanding and trying to launch the kid in a direction they choose, with guidance. Do you think parents shouldn’t tell their kids at some point - you just aren’t there? Sugar coat their lives.

And how's that approach working out for you so far OP? Clearly not well as you're here asking for guidance because your daughter's grades are plummeting.

OP - You are not guiding, you are demanding. You are enforcing like a guard. Guiding allows for imperfection. What will she do when she gets into that school and doesn’t have you to “guide” her? We can not control the lives of our kids, as much as we want to do that. If you really thought you we’re doing it right every time, you’d have not opened the most obnoxious site in the area and aired your story for comment. You know what you did. Now think about that the next time it happens so you can continue to hold the trust you need to continue a productive warm relationship with your child.