Grades - I screwed up

[Anonymous]

As others have said, apologize for your behavior, first and foremost. If your DD is as driven as you say she is, no one is going to be more disappointed or freaked out about that grade than she is. There is no need for you to pile on, now or in the future.

Now may be a good time to have an honest conversation about her goals and reality, however. There is essentially nothing she can do, to ensure that she gets into a university with under 5% acceptance rate, nothing. Make sure she understands this, and that there are plenty of good universities out there that will be a good fit for her, and that her path in life isn't going to go nowhere, if that reach college doesn't become reality.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ok, I hear you all. OP here.

She wants a school that’s hard to get into. She’s wanted it for various reasons on her own. I’m really not a helicopter parent. I’m here to tell her you’re aiming for x, you aren’t going to get there without y.

I’m a loving mom who wants to guide their kids in the direction and path they chose. She wants to achieve something and I’m part of guiding her there. I’m not a monster.

Not an elitist either. It’s my kid driving this train.

Right, but you're giving her bad advice. She needs to know that even with y, x is a crap shoot. She should be aiming for a certain kind of life or career or interest, not a certain college.

[Anonymous]

Not the OP but there's probably more to the story than you're assuming. If kid worked hard and got an 84, ok. If kid blew off studying and got an 84, not ok.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You sound like my mom. I had anxiety, cutting, and an eating disorder because of all that pressure. I was a solidly B student. Sometimes As. I probably could have been an A student if my mentalhealth was better.

I went to a good college (Denison). Thankfully by the time my junior/senior year came around, my mother had calmed down and also realized that her harshness had a negative impact on me. At that point, she was thrilled I loved the college I was going to.

I have a great career. DS is only 7 but sometimes I see myself turning into my mom about stuff and it scares me. I don't want DS to ever feel the same pressure/sense of disappointment that I felt

This was my mom too. She sounds so much like the OP in her phrasing. My sister killed herself.

[Anonymous]

I’m an Asian tiger mom (kinda) and even I can’t believe this OP.

[Anonymous]

Ugh op. You just made my job ten times harder.

-teacher

[Anonymous]

OP here. Thanks for everyone’s input. I apologized that night and we had a long discussion about her goals. Yes, there is something to the fact I underachieved academically, so I’m pushing harder than my parents did.

I know you don’t know me, so assume the worst. I’m a very chill momma. Trust that I’m following her goals with guidance. I’m so not the type looking to relive myself in my kids. They all have their unique paths.

I should have stated clearly, the 84 was extremely upsetting to her. She understands the stakes.

For all y’all staring it’s crazy for a kid to manage her future, I assume you haven’t switched to them waking their own butts up using an alarm clock. At some point, you guide and let go.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks for everyone’s input. I apologized that night and we had a long discussion about her goals. Yes, there is something to the fact I underachieved academically, so I’m pushing harder than my parents did.

I know you don’t know me, so assume the worst. I’m a very chill momma. Trust that I’m following her goals with guidance. I’m so not the type looking to relive myself in my kids. They all have their unique paths.

I should have stated clearly, the 84 was extremely upsetting to her. She understands the stakes.

For all y’all staring it’s crazy for a kid to manage her future, I assume you haven’t switched to them waking their own butts up using an alarm clock. At some point, you guide and let go.

1. If the 84 was upsetting to her, then it’s even worse that you laid into her so fiercely. Your original post suggested otherwise.
2. Spreadsheets and freaking out over 84s are not “very chill” nor are you “guiding and letting go.”

[Anonymous]

OP back. All the hatred of managing their grades in Excel. Why? Shouldn’t they know where they stand? What it takes to climb out of one bad grade to the grade they want?

There’s no pressure here. It’s just a dose of reality. There are 2 exams. You got an 84 on the first exam. What do you need to do if you want an A? So often they focus on homework, which is an easy 100 and don’t understand the rubric. They should do their own math.

Understand passing the bar isn’t equivalent to a position paper. Geez. I’m getting killed here. There are certain tests in life which mean more. At 14, mature enough to compute basic math.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks for everyone’s input. I apologized that night and we had a long discussion about her goals. Yes, there is something to the fact I underachieved academically, so I’m pushing harder than my parents did.

I know you don’t know me, so assume the worst. I’m a very chill momma. Trust that I’m following her goals with guidance. I’m so not the type looking to relive myself in my kids. They all have their unique paths.

I should have stated clearly, the 84 was extremely upsetting to her. She understands the stakes.

For all y’all staring it’s crazy for a kid to manage her future, I assume you haven’t switched to them waking their own butts up using an alarm clock. At some point, you guide and let go.

1. If the 84 was upsetting to her, then it’s even worse that you laid into her so fiercely. Your original post suggested otherwise.
2. Spreadsheets and freaking out over 84s are not “very chill” nor are you “guiding and letting go.”

The letting go is the spreadsheet. She manages her grades. As for freaking out, she’s not understanding that this 84 makes it harder to get an A. Sometimes DCUM is disappointing. She’s wants an A, you have 2 tests, what does she need on the next one. Answer, a god damn high A.

[Anonymous]

OMG. My kid started using an alarm clock in middle school and I don't do the wakeup. That is such a dumb comment.

I hope you get the help you need b/c it's obvious that you and your daughter are on a scary, sad path.

[Anonymous]

OP here. We’re not on a scary path.

I recognized I was pushing too hard. She’s capable of achieving certain grades. She’s knows it, she wants it.

Maybe you guys are jealous of accepting an 84 as all that there is.

In sum, kids have different measures. My daughter screwed up. I overreacted, dialed back, and she still wants to be at the top of her class all on her own.

You think valedictorians just arrived there on nature without nurture. You are funny.

Perhaps what I failed to communicate, is she wants to be at the top of her class. She wants to oust your snowflakes. And that is the mindset it takes to be #1. But with her 84, she
had a setback. She wants it. You don’t get driven kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. We’re not on a scary path.

I recognized I was pushing too hard. She’s capable of achieving certain grades. She’s knows it, she wants it.

Maybe you guys are jealous of accepting an 84 as all that there is.

In sum, kids have different measures. My daughter screwed up. I overreacted, dialed back, and she still wants to be at the top of her class all on her own.

You think valedictorians just arrived there on nature without nurture. You are funny.

Perhaps what I failed to communicate, is she wants to be at the top of her class. She wants to oust your snowflakes. And that is the mindset it takes to be #1. But with her 84, she
had a setback. She wants it. You don’t get driven kids.

OP, I'm out. Good luck. You're gonna need it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. We’re not on a scary path.

I recognized I was pushing too hard. She’s capable of achieving certain grades. She’s knows it, she wants it.

Maybe you guys are jealous of accepting an 84 as all that there is.

In sum, kids have different measures. My daughter screwed up. I overreacted, dialed back, and she still wants to be at the top of her class all on her own.

You think valedictorians just arrived there on nature without nurture. You are funny.

Perhaps what I failed to communicate, is she wants to be at the top of her class. She wants to oust your snowflakes. And that is the mindset it takes to be #1. But with her 84, she
had a setback. She wants it. You don’t get driven kids.

I won all sorts of academic awards. My immigrant parents never pressured me. They were supportive, but they let me manage my academics at a top school and made sure I had perspective and a balanced life.

[Anonymous]

OP again. She’s highly competitive in all things. This is just her. I don’t think you all get this kid, she has to win.

She knows when she fails. She’s the kid studying for hours on her own because she wants the best grade.

There’s no pressure. She’s internally motivated. That damn 84 was jarring. She just screwed up. She’s used to 96 in everything. Does that make more sense? To her, it’s like an F.

Where I screwed up is not keeping cool. Saying it’s just one test. To be honest, it’s never just one test. She got it.