Grades - I screwed up

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ok, I hear you all. OP here.

She wants a school that’s hard to get into. She’s wanted it for various reasons on her own. I’m really not a helicopter parent. I’m here to tell her you’re aiming for x, you aren’t going to get there without y.

I’m a loving mom who wants to guide their kids in the direction and path they chose. She wants to achieve something and I’m part of guiding her there. I’m not a monster.

Not an elitist either. It’s my kid driving this train.

She’s 14. What does she actually know about colleges? Why does she want to get into a school with a 5% acceptance rate? Your job as a parent isn’t to berate her for not getting A’s. You should be explaining to her that schools with such low acceptance rates are a crapshoot to get into, and redirect her to a more reasonable goal. You are very, very lost, op. She’s driving this train into a ditch. It’s your job to show her a more reasonable path.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ok, I hear you all. OP here.

She wants a school that’s hard to get into. She’s wanted it for various reasons on her own. I’m really not a helicopter parent. I’m here to tell her you’re aiming for x, you aren’t going to get there without y.

I’m a loving mom who wants to guide their kids in the direction and path they chose. She wants to achieve something and I’m part of guiding her there. I’m not a monster.

Not an elitist either. It’s my kid driving this train.

Is your kid driving this train because you've drilled it into her? If she's driving why did you even react to the grade? You're delusional.8

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ok, I hear you all. OP here.

She wants a school that’s hard to get into. She’s wanted it for various reasons on her own. I’m really not a helicopter parent. I’m here to tell her you’re aiming for x, you aren’t going to get there without y.

I’m a loving mom who wants to guide their kids in the direction and path they chose. She wants to achieve something and I’m part of guiding her there. I’m not a monster.

Not an elitist either. It’s my kid driving this train.

Then leave her alone. Back off. And stop with this bullshit excel nonsense. She's either motivated to do it, or not. But you're coming off as a controlling insane shrew.

OP again. I hear you and I disagree. Teens want certain things and as parents your job is to mentor them. My daughter should absolutely understand her competition - what it takes. That’s all up to her of course. Why am I getting thrown out of bed for eating crackers over here... I’m just telling her this is what you’d need to do if you want x.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ok, I hear you all. OP here.

She wants a school that’s hard to get into. She’s wanted it for various reasons on her own. I’m really not a helicopter parent. I’m here to tell her you’re aiming for x, you aren’t going to get there without y.

I’m a loving mom who wants to guide their kids in the direction and path they chose. She wants to achieve something and I’m part of guiding her there. I’m not a monster.

Not an elitist either. It’s my kid driving this train.

Except it’s not. If it were, you would explain to your child what they need to get into the school, make yourself available if she needs help, but otherwise step back and let her make her own choices and mistakes. You are at least as invested as she is in her getting into that school, and it’s coming at the expense of your child’s mental health.

I had a mom like you growing up. One report card day when I had gotten a B+, I decided to walk home rather than take the bus. I spent an hour standing at the corner of a 45 mph road trying to build the courage to step in front of an oncoming car, because in that moment, dying felt easier than facing my mother.

[Anonymous]

Don't come around my house then or you would end up stroking out. I have a 9th grade DS who is bright but needs to get it together. He currently has 2 classes below an 84 (neither of which I can help him with).

[Anonymous]

OP here, oh the drama. My Dad always asked why my A- wasn’t an A in HS and I wasn’t suicidal. He was just a parent, half joking. My kid is fine, I just pushed a bit too hard.

I had a 2.9 in undergrad. I was not the greatest student in college. Embarrassing.

Again, looking for how to get her back on track. I screwed up, too much pressure too soon. Can I hear from those who’ve been there? I definitely yucked her yum.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ok, I hear you all. OP here.

She wants a school that’s hard to get into. She’s wanted it for various reasons on her own. I’m really not a helicopter parent. I’m here to tell her you’re aiming for x, you aren’t going to get there without y.

I’m a loving mom who wants to guide their kids in the direction and path they chose. She wants to achieve something and I’m part of guiding her there. I’m not a monster.

Not an elitist either. It’s my kid driving this train.

Then leave her alone. Back off. And stop with this bullshit excel nonsense. She's either motivated to do it, or not. But you're coming off as a controlling insane shrew.

OP again. I hear you and I disagree. Teens want certain things and as parents your job is to mentor them. My daughter should absolutely understand her competition - what it takes. That’s all up to her of course. Why am I getting thrown out of bed for eating crackers over here... I’m just telling her this is what you’d need to do if you want x.

I agree with you OP. If your daughter wants something, as a parent we need to provide guidance and direction to them. I think what I see here is from your posts (which are more informative as you post more) you are focusing on outcome not process. It’s process that gets to the outcome that will lead to success.

You might want to read Parenting with Love and Logic.

One last thing. And this is a cautionary tale. I have a kid who was very driven. He then got derailed due to work that seemed more than he could handle. He got so focused on the great that he could not turn in the good. It didn’t take long before he totally fell apart. And here’s the other thing. I hear from doctors my kid has seen that this isn’t an uncommon problem in 9th grade. An ER doctor told me that November of freshman year of high school is really busy with kids who have fallen apart over not meeting expectations in their first year of high school.

[Anonymous]

You're being too hard on yourself OP. She set a goal for herself re: elite college. You're helping her reach that goal. I'll liken this to my sports coaches growing up. If I continued to miss a shot, they'd yell in frustration and layer on consequences until I made it. I didn't crack, I sucked it up and finally made the shot. And yes, played Div 1 in my sport. What you gave your daughter was a dose of reality. If she cracked, well, time to reevaluate her growth mindset or the track she is on. And trust me, she's young, she'll bounce back. Treat her to a special dinner where you can hash these things out and move on with love. Good luck!!

[Anonymous]

And PS, all these posters yelling at you to "get a grip" and "get help' are probably all equal offenders or don't have teens yet. So take it all with a grain.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here, oh the drama. My Dad always asked why my A- wasn’t an A in HS and I wasn’t suicidal. He was just a parent, half joking. My kid is fine, I just pushed a bit too hard.

I had a 2.9 in undergrad. I was not the greatest student in college. Embarrassing.

Again, looking for how to get her back on track. I screwed up, too much pressure too soon. Can I hear from those who’ve been there? I definitely yucked her yum.

You aren’t your daughter. Your father’s criticism rolled off you. Your daughter is crumbling under yours.

You don’t get to parent the kid you want, you have to parent the kid you have. You openly acknowledge that your parenting is harming your child, and yet you have zero willingness to change your parenting in any meaningful way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. 9th grade. It was a major test. I require that she load all her grades into an excel spreadsheet She creates and understandS the rubric. It’s a life skill. She needs to understand and manage her own life. Measures extend beyond the home.

I’m very hands off. She’s definitely done well so far. It was one test, but an important test. She needs to understand what grade she needs next test to secure an A. It’s a pretty high A.

I’m not a “do your best” kind of mom, grades don’t matter. This wasn’t her best. Sloppy work. I laid into her too hard.

Point is, she likely would have course corrected without me. How do you get back to it’s your life, these are your dreams, this is what it takes to achieve those dreams without killing them over one ok grade, but ensuring they understand their competitors.

Where she wants to go to college, a B is not sufficient. I can be a bit, the college you want has a 5% acceptance rate speech to a point. Think about that. It’s realism with love and not crushing her soul. I hope that makes sense.

I’m a grown woman but I’ve always kinda wish my hands off mom had pushed me harder when I was in high school. But this makes me want to call her and thank her for letting me flounder (and fail a lot before I figured it out). Sure, I struggled some and it took me a few years to course correct. At least I know my mom loves me no matter what.

[Anonymous]

Apologize and told her you were wrong.

[Anonymous]

You don't get it OP. An 84 on a 9th grade test has zero to do with her getting into the college she currently thinks she wants into. She is 14, she should still be very open to what she may or may want to do in 4 years.

Your expectations are a big part of why she has such high expectations of herself. They are intertwined - you exert pressure on her and she internalizes that and exerts it further on herself. You wouldn't have gotten upset with her if it wasn't your own feelings that were hurt, she let you down, she disappointed you, she didn't meet your expectations. This wasn't about her and what she wants, it is about wan you want for her.

You could both use some therapy to try and have a healthier mindset towards success, identity, and goal setting.

[Anonymous]

^^tell her. She will come to admire that you admitted to a mistake. Don't connect it to getting better grades. Be sincere, because frankly you sound like you want to fix it so she goes back to getting As.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here, oh the drama. My Dad always asked why my A- wasn’t an A in HS and I wasn’t suicidal. He was just a parent, half joking. My kid is fine, I just pushed a bit too hard.

I had a 2.9 in undergrad. I was not the greatest student in college. Embarrassing.

Again, looking for how to get her back on track. I screwed up, too much pressure too soon. Can I hear from those who’ve been there? I definitely yucked her yum.

JHC OP! This should be about you being wrong, not about being wrong because it caused her to get even worse grades. It is not about yucking her yum?! WTF is that? You should be looking to fix your mistake, and you are still stuck on doing this because of grades. What is wrong with you?!