Grades - I screwed up

[Anonymous]

OP, if this post is really not written by a troll, then here is my take as a 20+ year middle and high school teacher:

Your child's reaction to one moment of anger is very extreme. My assessment is that you're treating your anger over the "low" grade as a one-off rant while your child sees it as just another instance where you've become outrageously angry and hurtful. When children react so strongly it is usually because they've been pushed over the line. This doesn't sound like one mistake by you in your reaction.

You need to check yourself, OP, and do some serious self-reflection. Is it possible that you have an anger-management issue? And are you hyper-critical about all aspects of your child's life, not just this grade?

Think about the previous 10 interactions with your child. Would your child give them a thumbs up for you being positive, or a thumbs down for negative? My guess is that your child would give you 10 thumbs down.

I think that if you want to improve what is happening in your child's life then you need to improve how you treat your child. Probably the best answer for you is your own therapy so that you can figure out how to interact with your child. In the meantime you also do some family therapy to learn how you can work together and to help your daughter regain her trust in you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Guys. Have you paid attention to what the OP has written? The way it’s written? This is most likely a kid having some fun with a thread they know will get reactions. It’s why they keep dipping in and making comments to keep it stirred up. Many of the comments they have said also would not be said by an adult.

I’m a teacher and unfortunately this talk is all too familiar from parents. It is upsetting and the worst part of my job.

I didn’t mean the parenting part. The indications that this is a child are the slang they keep using. That way of talking is not usually used by an adult.

[Anonymous]

^^^ It is possible however that this is a teen (based on the slang they are using) who is experiencing this themselves and wants to know if this is normal.

[Anonymous]

OP back. Sorry to report I am real.

Anyone excited about an 84, we live on different planets I suppose. That’s a downward dog grade.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP back. Sorry to report I am real.

Anyone excited about an 84, we live on different planets I suppose. That’s a downward dog grade.

Now you’re just trying to be provocative. You’re extremely unkind.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP back. Sorry to report I am real.

Anyone excited about an 84, we live on different planets I suppose. That’s a downward dog grade.

Now you’re just trying to be provocative. You’re extremely unkind.

+1 You have shown yourself to be an a-home, OP - so we shouldn’t care what you think and the thread should end.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP back. Sorry to report I am real.

Anyone excited about an 84, we live on different planets I suppose. That’s a downward dog grade.

I understand this is supposed to be an insult, but it’s really just a yoga term. Who are you, that you use such odd phrases all the time: “yuck her yum”, “need a solid”, etc.?

[Anonymous]

Oh god. I grew up with the definition of a tiger parent and have my own related issues, but at least my parents made it clear it was about competing with yourself and not others. All of the happy and successful people I know are at the top because other people (and their standards) aren’t even on their radar. OP’s competitiveness has rubbed off on her daughter... a real loser’s mindset. That kid is in for an ugly wake up call when she wakes up and realizes she has no real friends.

I’ve wondered how people raise their kids to be morally deficient at a young age... guess this is it

[Anonymous]

My kid was self-driven and was lucky to get into a top 20 college.

I would rather her not have panic attacks, insomnia, and general anxiety disorder, and have gotten B's.

Watch what you wise for, OP.

[Anonymous]

*wish

[Anonymous]

Amen. I would rather have a healthy and happy child with average or below average grades than a high achiever who is miserable.

If I were your daughter, OP, I would believe that your love was conditional. Is it? If not, please make sure your daughter knows.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ok, I hear you all. OP here.

She wants a school that’s hard to get into. She’s wanted it for various reasons on her own. I’m really not a helicopter parent. I’m here to tell her you’re aiming for x, you aren’t going to get there without y.

I’m a loving mom who wants to guide their kids in the direction and path they chose. She wants to achieve something and I’m part of guiding her there. I’m not a monster.

Not an elitist either. It’s my kid driving this train.

Then leave her alone. Back off. And stop with this bullshit excel nonsense. She's either motivated to do it, or not. But you're coming off as a controlling insane shrew.

OP again. I hear you and I disagree. Teens want certain things and as parents your job is to mentor them. My daughter should absolutely understand her competition - what it takes. That’s all up to her of course. Why am I getting thrown out of bed for eating crackers over here... I’m just telling her this is what you’d need to do if you want x.

So what happens when she does everything you perceive as enough to get into that school and then...doesn't get in. There are no guarantees. I was very driven and precocious and my mom thought the career I dreamed of wasn't good enough. She wasn't as pulled together as you are, so she didn't force me to do things. She just badgered me. I rebelled, and then I underperformed. Every kid wants to know their mom loves them for who they are. I had the drive, she made me lose sight of it.

Why would you have her do a spreadsheet, doesn't your school have an online portal with that information? Sounds redundant and unhelpful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP back. Sorry to report I am real.

Anyone excited about an 84, we live on different planets I suppose. That’s a downward dog grade.

I understand this is supposed to be an insult, but it’s really just a yoga term. Who are you, that you use such odd phrases all the time: “yuck her yum”, “need a solid”, etc.?

Not a native English-speaker and competitive as hell. Very typical of some first-generation immigrants.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP back. Sorry to report I am real.

Anyone excited about an 84, we live on different planets I suppose. That’s a downward dog grade.

I understand this is supposed to be an insult, but it’s really just a yoga term. Who are you, that you use such odd phrases all the time: “yuck her yum”, “need a solid”, etc.?

Not a native English-speaker and competitive as hell. Very typical of some first-generation immigrants.

I am an immigrant, have two kids in college, in state, dd had a C in math in HS! Still got into her flag ship school. She did have a math tutor, but took math "on grade" or as called, math for dummies on dcum! I couldn't care less. My own mom once beat me when I got a bad grade in chemistry in 7th grade! Yes, we had chemistry in my country in 7th grade. No way was I ever going to go crazy over grades. So, please don't put me in the same bag of crazy as OP!

[Anonymous]

I'm a kid who has a mom who expects straight A's from me and honestly it doesn't really affect me like my mom flips out over an 89 even but It's not like I have anxiety from it or anything and part of the straight-A thing I feel like is based on your parents' backgrounds like my mom didn't have a lot growing up but she would study and work hard to get good grades so she could be a doctor and I obviously am more fortunate than she was so she just expects more from me. In a way it helps me too because it makes me put in the work for getting a good grade and the grade is just a show of my effort that I put in. I honestly feel like the people who don't set expectations for their kids even if the expectation is they shouldn't get lower than a c are just setting their kids up for failure because life is filled with expectations, especially at your job, and if you don't meet the expectations at your job your boss is not just going to say oh it's ok you tried your hardest. Also if your kid comes home with an F are you just going to say you know you tried your hardest it's ok? Like I understand not wanting to pressurize your kid but you have to set an expectation sometime whether it be in 5th grade or 10th grade.